Hmm, sometimes, I feel that the few most powerful things in life are always double-edged. For example, knowledge. The reason of knowledge, of having knowledge, is to so that we know more about the world and the diversities around us, but there will always be people who use these knowledge to ruin the world. Another example is water. As a chinese saying, 水能载舟亦能覆舟, as much as water have the capability to float the boat, it can be the one who sink it as well.

Similarly, this is what happens, some person has been joining us and having fun for the past few church activities, and this person, I personally felt, has just began to open up to us and mingle with us. However, since this person would now have 4 cells, my own cell leader suggests that the person should just stick to one and sink the roots.

As such, I dont know, I really feel bad, I feel... cynical, doubtful.

Seriously, the very thing that had pulled people together, for a good cause, as ants sticking together to brace through floods and storms on the banyan leave, is the reason why some people will feel awkward together, the reason of a hindrance to social interaction, as we can see from another church where since i was "new", there are 2 cells in a tug of war of me. Either way told them I was just a visitor.

Sigh. So yea, I really feel the song: power of your name, as it shouts,

I will live
To carry Your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet
I will give
With the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name

I saw some powerful changes in the lives of people by joining the xtianity movement, I saw powerful bonds forged like a piece of armor that could withstand the spears of a thousand armies. I saw hope of humanity, for it's able to harness up and save those clinging on the tip of the cliff with an index finger.

So why? why? why just because a member is from other church, or from other cell, or from somewhere else, to be restricted to join church activities, we are after all, one human race, serving the kingdom of heaven, not the church, we grow, through own relationship and connection with God, that cells are merely to help those without community to mingle around and have support as they grow, but the ones capable of having multiple cells shouldnt be restricted to have just one, for no one has decreed that an army of God, just like standard army, cannot join other platoons, we have a common goal, why choose to reach it own your own?

Pure dumb, pure ridicule. Who in the world knows best what the voice ask that armyboy to do? to go? Who decides the future? And if we were not meant to know, why make it awkward, treat every brothers and sisters well, for on this journey, you wont even know if there are Judases lurking around, for on this journey, we shall reach it hand in hand, why the need to "label" ourselves? through possessing identity, it builds walls around us, to be no longer reach out to lost lambs and helping them. As such, these poor people, will belong to nowhere, and unable to fully maximize the potential. Please larh, 20 or 30 years, in midst, I believe all cells, would have movement of cell members and faith.

We should really...... after all..... look beyond religion

Its past midnight again, 2am... Cant sleep as usual, ever since my body clock was screwed up. Oh well, tomorrow, as in tue, supposed to have a big plan to go eat burger since I have coupons. It would have been at toa payoh, 6 of us, KY would have joined us, then off to my house to eat log cakes. However, sadly, unfortunately, Ky was down with cough again. Sigh, so vulnerable, just like lin. Sigh.

So this would be the most complete xmas so far. I spent this festive season with lots of groups of friends, solid rock cell, pop cell, scc alumnis, cheuck, wx first class and potentially joel sim and zkzj and toasted group.

Well Jo mentioned once to me on, that we sort of ceased to talk anymore, but rather crap around. Thinking back how I used to find him to talk 50% of things out, now lesser and lesser. But thinking back, I also mentioned to Tai before, that the reason is that Jo had a personality change during o lvls, and a little "mr. know everything" attitude as he talk. Which now should no longer have, but previously this turns away people. Perhaps due to academy stress, also perhaps he rather not exposed to the world enough, also perhaps too many people in his life finding him for listener. So I also realized ofcoz our relationship was stagnant, so I told him frankly not to get jealous of my involvement with other people. I mean 4 of us had gone through much, had peak of our bonds, have gone through disputes and conflicts too, yet still remain close, thats how we lasted through the tests of time. So occasionally, I might expand my involvement, just as how Kaya spreads =) so dont mind me.

That was also the 2nd time I did not send KY home, as I was afraid to miss xmas with them. Sometimes, really, I wished I could be split into different parts to make my relationship with people around me complete, but that would defeat the purpose of relationship, since you can be everywhere everytime, there isnt any quality time anymore, and isnt any worthy sacrifice or wise decisions.

Then appeared he is sick again. Sometimes he really reminds me of myself, how vulnerable was my body then too, towards virus and bacteria, and how much perseverance we had last time, where I was a yes man as long as my both legs are still in contact with ground. They say there are many mirrors in our lives, physical mirrors could let us see our appearances, history as mirrors, could teach us the future through our past, friends as our mirrors, could reflect on our character. 以銅為鏡， 可以正衣冠。 以古為鏡， 可以知興替。 以友為鏡， 可以明得失。 Perhaps, these are the few most important mirrors in my lives, though he is one under construction I suppose. I told my parents about the few log cakes I sponsored and etc, as usual they kindda frown upon the idea but well, this is a generation kind of thing I guess, as SX and KG used to subsidize and sponsor us last time, it's time where we assume their roles and pay it forward to the next generation, this is where social support came in, under emotional and financial support. As most seniors do, we really hope that the person we are cultivating will grow up strong one day, and bear fruits for the next and next generations. Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. The culture prevails, hopefully. Sometimes, I wished I could have a bro that I could take care of, or a bigger one that could nag me. Sigh.

A song reached me that day at City Harvest, here's a verse I like:
If you have some questions
In the corners of your mind,
Traces of discouragement,
The peace you cannot find,
Reflections of your past,
Seem to face you everyday,
But this one thing I do know,
That Jesus is the way.

Sometimes, I believe the success of Christianity is to give believers confidence and trust in the Almighty one, that we have the courage and morale to go on. I came across this quote: There are times when you don't feel good yet you simply can't pin down what you don't feel good about. Yes it's so true, Ive been feeling weird lately but just couldnt really tell what was it. A sort of emptiness, yet unsure what is it, cant be friends, cant be material wealth, perhaps fear of future? perhaps lack of spiritual faith? Im just lost in the midst of lost.

Anyway, Im suspecting something in someone's life, gonna slowly figure out the puzzle again.

On 23rd Dec, I finally decided to have a day off, off from scc, for the 2 days in a row having to sleep few hours to meet them at 7am were really..... out of my ordinary mind (means not exactly out of my mind haha). So anyway, followed up a little on school work, and the project, then went to print 10 sets of the survey for auntie imm to snowball around. Halfway, had a brief chat and follow up at the block 123 bubble tea shop, and clear my debts. Then, I went to repair my bike, with an expensive fee of 15 bucks, before heading to scc to fetch them.

At the scc had a emotional farewell I guess, Im really regretful not being able to understand alvin's sorrow since he did not open up, hopefully not because of me cuz I wouldnt wanna get involved, just like previous incident lucky lele was okay in the end with me =D.

So yes Jorgen, Jewel, KY, Qin Da and I went to Bras Basah to fetch Amanda, and then we went to Lau Par Sat at Raffles for supper. Along the way we trolled Qin Da, it was sooooo fun~!

Basically we gave Qin Da a random friend's number to act as Girl A, so Qin Da was like trying to find out if Girl A likes him by acting as Qin Da's friend. So we puppet that guy to play along with him haha, in the end we twisted it to say that the Girl A was actually Girl B, having secret crush on Qin Da, and then embarrassed because she "did not know" Qin Da was smsing her. So then Girl B diverted to Girl A, which is actually Jewel, acted fumed with Qin Da, then I added on contacting that Girl B to forward me a sms to say: Eh kaya!! Eu go give that guy my number arh?! Walao i hate eu!! Go die make me paiseh only!!.... So I acted pointing finger at Qin Da saying he exposed Girl B's greatest Secret, made Girl A angry, and made Girl B angry with me, so 5 parties involved from the initial 2 (Qin Da and Girl A). That made him super stressed, until we revealed during the supper hahahha. Best is when Qi Da said it was private, but we knew since that Girl A was Jewel, then KY went over tricked him saying he screened his message. Like OMG~!! HHAHAHAHA really funneh~!!!

trololol day~ trololol day~ trolololololol ALL THE DAY~~ Oh WAD FUN ISIT TO TROL ON someones big bday! :p HEY~!! =D

After that we had a trolling part 2 to KY, acting it was a train crash down. Sort of pity him because he really thought it was real and prayed for us. He's really religious and a great friend, always concerned about everybody else but himself, he pushed me away to accompany the rest back and rather go home alone - the reason for the trololol ing haha.....

So after that we stayed at Jorgen's house. The next day I accompanied Johann to City Harvest. Really awkward to see so many familiar faces yet after all I went there for Johann, and actually ditched my whole cell because of that... sigh, oh well after that we went to set up for sx's surprise. I invited KY over too, grateful that he came too, but left early at 10 or so, he looked bored at times with me, which I really really really feel super bad about it.... Like I dont know, my fire starter bank is really limited, as well as my gas.....

So we stayed over to sent SX off to China this morning, slept for 2h then went for the xmas service at BBTC, to find out that only me and KY turned up. Felt bad too because felt like I ditched them so they ditched me.... Sigh, KY felt disappointed too I guess, which made him sian again. So accompanied him home, then collect log cake, then rest for an hour at home uploading photos then off to Kok Guan's house.

Had fun at Kok Guan's house as well, loads of food and fun, and finally reached home now to again upload photos, charge batteries and blog. Oh well, thats all for just a weekend. Really amazing. Really surprised. Really had fun.

也许我一个人
不能成就一番大事业
但我尽力贡献一份微薄的力量
Though Im not the one with all the riches
But my contribution is enough to satisfy some

也许我自己
不能发出万丈光和亮
但我能为斗室带来足够的光芒
Though Im not the sun
At least im a candlelight that could provide warmth

我从来都不在乎
自己不是一个大人物
因为平凡也是一种幸福
看到名人总是忙忙碌碌
我的时间由我控制
平凡日子一样会充实

Conclusion: It's normally the ordinary that brings out the best in humanity.

Really, I really admired KY, Jorgen, Amanda and Qin da to go volunteering at SCC daily 7am-7pm, with much passion and enthusiasm. Besides me and Elizabeth I dont think there's other regular volunteers already. Somehow I think KY is like a magnet to attract awesome people. His presence always makes the place vibrant and welcoming. Really, on behalf of scc and the kids, i really would like to thank them much. I shall be frank that even myself cant make it going that far. Furthermore the bond I see he had with Adriel, haha can be his brother already!

Anyway today the seniors went to soul garden, I felt sad for KY and Yu Qian to be asked to stay in scc to help with the younger ones. Had a great time with them, but tomorrow shall be the last day I shall see them. Sigh. Time flies, one year has gone, shall write a long long letter for the grads tmr.

I really hope KY and Yu Quan could have their opportunities for outings and fun outside of scc, as appreciation for their passion and effort, of much sacrifice.

Anyway back to the song lyrics, I thought of this song, because i was speaking to someone, understanding the person's problems, and I found out alot that I never knew. As much as the person appears to be alright and complete, or idea, the person had lots of unspoken problems-to-be. SO anyway I thought of this song, that I'm really glad I could still use my limited financial power to help, to contribute to their growth. And I, just like tons other in the world, would always say: "just pay back the treat when you grow up and could work." But really, I'm prepared to down payment a heavy investment of my effort, time and money on this person. No matter the outcome, I just think that it's worth it. I shall discreetly (actually not very discreet either) hope that this person could grow up strong and successful.

Ofcoz until now Im really curious how others think of me, sometimes I really wish I could eavesdrop people's thoughts, like professor X, this way I would know best whats the best thing to do at the right time. Since I wouldnt know, lets jsut be ignorant and assume Im not a busybody nuisance that loves to KPO around and show off my ability, but someone just randomly like to help and contribute. =D

So yea enough with the person, back to scc, I saw how devoted is KY to volunteering, to some extend Im afraid that it might affect his other areas next year, mainly studies wise. If you're so good at a certain thing that I affects you to not do well in other areas, it would mean that you're doing too much. Though yes we will not know how far we can go until we reached too far, but as we reach too far in this situation, it might not be that easy to hold back. Im also at dilemma of what is best, I could only say, que sera sera, shall see how for the first month of next year.

Lots of things to blog about now. Wed 14th I went to MindCafe to study psychology alone, I studied Motivation, including Learning - the Reinforcement Schedules. It's a really interesting topic! It talks about how should be handle reinforcements for encouraging a certain desired behavior. Then, as I'm feeling a little emo, I called out Jorgen for night cycling, which halfway his bike tyre burst, leaving us going to gas station. There, I bought a bike from a China Dude for Weide. This is so that I would have two bikes to choose from in Bedok, and also two bikes would mean I could always call up people to night cycling with me after work in the future. So yea we went to Kungfu Cafe, then he called up another guy, where we went to 85 market and the last stop is Macdonald, after we roam arounf NTUC hugging the 25 bucks big bear around hunting for mashmallows hahahhaa~!!! And yea we played Chubby Bunny. That morning then, I was sooo touched that Tai waited for me till 3am, yet I came back only close to 5am. Sigh, then we HTHT till the next morning, which I went to SCC and even stayed on for water activities, thus having the need to call my mum to bring my work uniform. After work, I was dead tired, and got a 5h slp till the next day. Fri was exams, 2 exams, then I went to meet SX to discuss about wushu procedures and we were "promoted" to become assistant trainers. So yea additional responsibility.

Next, cell retreat~!! I went all the way to Changi Village to meet them, which Kok Guan was very impressed, though I thought it was a small feat. Retreat was great, playing games, having fun, everyone was rather high, including Chang Hong. Im glad he started to open up to us, and jingled and mingled with us. But unfortunately YongJie fell ill, which thus after 2h of sleep, I went out to his car with him to sleep. Everything happens for a reason, his cough made him come out since he did not want to disturb anybody else, which thus he could lent out his sleeping bag to the shivering Edmund curling on the chair, not sofa, its a one person chair! Sigh, that stubborn kid. Luckily something just urged me to buy Qing Re Pian before I went Changi Village. So I irrigated him with that, thus he's pretty alright on the next day =)

Time passes slowly. On the second day, since I am in charge of breakfast, I bought some Otahs to share and also decided to buy Liang Teh for YJ and Edmund, which Kok Guan acknowledged this trivial feat as well. Made me feel really great and motivated. Perhaps this is one different factor of church, I receive more compliments, which is a vital part of my Signs of Receiving Love. Water games are fun too~! The clues and the hiding places are really creative and interesting. Oh yea during the whole retreat i taught Chang Hong and Wei Chong lots of piano too. =) I felt I accomplished much.

Then, just nice as we finish our bible study about 'The storm will come', we had a power trip during steamboat. After much fret, we managed to get full stomach too before catching the midnight show in Downtown East Cathay: Mission Impossible. Finally we slept. I again slept for 2h, before waking up to cover blanket for the stubborn Edmund. Then I went to wushu with him. I thought I couldnt make it, but in the end managed to endure through training, Shi Jie's PE lecture, lunch, and even hunting for Adriel's birthday gifts and making the card. Really amazing. So yea these 5 days, I slept a total of 11h, over 108h. Im really amazed by the strength I had.

So yea, about Edmund, I dragged him into wushu too, and hope he would be the next generation of our Wu Xuan too. I would start to train him like how we were trained in sec 2 too. I just got a feeling he will be a great leader someday, doing great things. Either way, I really hope we could revive Wu Xuan. Anyway, somewhere long before I wrote I suspect he was hiding alot of problems from me, I found out them today. Sigh, so I wrote in fb: Sometimes as I envy, I would remind myself again, that I'm really really blessed, to be out of adversities and calamities, yet because of this, I'm too blessed that I would have to burden lots of responsibilities, so at least i wont waste my life. Sometimes Im really afraid of what my future holds, afraid that I will fail myself, and everyone around me. So I really hope i could invest in people in my life that can reap returns in my later age, so I would not need to brace through them myself - dan qiang pi ma.

Anyway, it's because of him I had more activities and vibrancy in my life I guess, and also for many people's life. Whenever he go, there are followers, wushu, scc, everywhere, and its good, because he can be a great leader, I shall watch this boy grow strong.

Yesterday in SCC we played captain's ball before i left, and I headr when i leave my team lost badly. But Im really curious if they are happy. When I was around, I do try my best for every member to participate and touch the ball. I made Gab the catcher because people say he's a bad catcher. I pass to the girls, which people normally stereotype as weak. Im glad I can do all these, because Im sure they dont mind losing as long they actually played. Same case today, I had a match with Gab, KaiSheng against a stranger, Alvin and Jorgen. I think KS and Gab enjoyed it, KaiSheng scored well, rather impressed, and Gab learnt fast too. John too I taught him to throw the ball the correct way. I really glad I could be the one that gave them the chance to pursuit knowledge or skills.

Today, I went to SCC the whole day, for the christmas party and hanging around with the alumni, before sending Edmund home. A really fun day, the kids are sooo blessed, the toys, the food, the programs, the facilities, the staffs. Sigh, sometimes, how I wished I could be a kid, being enrolled there, having access to all these fortunate things. Oh well, at the end of the day, Im blessed enough to have myself today. Then as I reached home I had a few talks with parents since we seldom talked, then helped my mum with a letter to her teacher, and then now blogging. After this shall finish up project perhaps taking an hour or so, then die die must sleep for tmr, Im gonna meet them at 6.45 at Tanah Merah........... Crazy people.......

On Fri went to "surprise" wei chong, but yea it was rather obvious, anyway yea had a mini celebration. =D Spend the morning hunting for gifts with ky, bought a friendship note and a photo frame for him, it was raining thus we spend time in the library to craft it, and met qianhui there. It has been so long time talking to her, like I sort of remembered sec 1 when I met her, she was like damn cute like movie, except im not in front but behind, kept annoying her with funny songs haha. "I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky, and got shot down by the FBI, but I havent die, I go macdonalds buy some fries, dont know how I got the grand prize, oh I believe I wont die, I dont want to die...." haha.......

So yea, time flies, I miss all those good times annoying people with my singing haha. Then I saved her contacts as "qian zhou" haha, so yea, good younger days. Then... well we split, and sec 3 sec 4, never talked much too.

Sat went for caroling with pop excel. Dragged ch along, felt so uneasy like daoing him, he must have felt damn left out, solo piano-ing and guitar-ing in the room. But yea ever since he gave me the tickets to the concert he started talking to me already. I decided to subsidize him for the retreat. He can be a very high and enthu guy as I seen as we go home, and his shuffling haha. Cool. Ive seen him enjoying himself and having fun with his friends once on my way to church.

Sun wushu as normal. After that went to watch beautiful sunday concert at esplanade, I thought I saw boon yang but he was with some juniors? so didnt approach him. Which reminds me of some good younger days too, when everything was so simple and fine. Funny how life can flip 180 in the matter of days. Anyway, yea went home early wanted to study, yet realized my notes were left at the caroling, so spent 3h singing haha.

Today, went to sch thinking it was BNF thus checked out the web for last min digestion tables to cramp, but turned out to be ASR, which I thought of spending my break to study, so yea, unlucky. I had all the answers, forgot them. For BNF, it was rather good since I had lots of time studying, yet it was just 10%. Sigh. Tmr LAW, should be rather confident. Oh well. Bird shit on me at the canteen, what a bad omen, a bad day, so I went home after test, to get the day over and done with, by sleeping and singing. Oh right it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life~!! And Im feeling good~~

Planned to visit scc before exam, then after exam find ky to talk about something. Sigh, I handled some sensitive info badly, lead to misleadings and misunderstandings, I think I ruined his reputation abit, really sorry about that. I'll try to make up for that, hope he wont take it too hard, damn myself for kpo-ing, I felt I might ruin his friendship with certain people and his impression.

Anyway recalled back an old song, which again reminded me of some childhood incident, enjoyable moments of life, and also since I only know this song in sec 1 at the bbt shop, it reminded me about those fun times again.

天空突然下起了一场大雨
我该不该现在送你回去
不想打断你给的甜蜜
干脆就让我陪你淋雨

So yea was talking to people these few days, about some awesome moments of our lifes, when we caught up the bus at the moment it was about to close its door, which thus made lots of other people able to catch up too. Also childhood days when we can have lots of conflicts one day, the next day resume as per normal, or that can be two parties fighting, yet as teacher questions we would say "Nah we're just playing" when we have bruises and scratches. Awesome childhood days. Ofcoz there are those irritating people who loves to gang up against someone better than them, out of jealousy or envy. They would throw erasers, kick chairs, verbal abuse, etc, haha childhood conflicts in their small small society. Those were the days, when our world is so small, yet mimics the exact situations in our complicated world as well. This is why the bible loves kids, and ted talks had used kids to solve world problems. Parts and parcel of life - how many of them do you still remember??

Anyway, some psychology questions, I know I tend to nag alot when im concern about friend or people, esp when sick or something, so I dont know myself either, would I actually want to find a life partner who would nag me back too? It would be Freud's theory where we tend to look in the qualities of our spouse, the qualities our mothers have. This is why some cases there are taboos and such. This rather amuse me. Looks like Im the only one who likes to nag at even friends, and that as much as I hate naggings from parents, I would yearn to be nagged once in a while, like once a few days? To have the kind of feeling that someone cares about me. Sometimes nagging is a form of love too, its expression of concern, that parents often do, thus will everyone nags too when they're parents, how about being nagged? anyone want that? as in not only parents, to have a spouse that nags? Reminds me of the "seatbelt design' sexist joke on fb, also the forum on tv where teens do want their parents to nag at them once in a while to feel their parenthood.

Always wanted to blog, but too much to blog, so gotta postpone till im free. The next few posts gonna be reviews on (Stranger Than Fiction), and a few law concepts and stuffs Ive learnt in tmr's psychology. That should cover a few thousands words I suppose.... haha, nah gonna summarize into average language. Work today was awesome as usual. Boss came again, woah stalker, the last time he came was when I worked too, it had been a month or so, then he came again today, the moment I started my schedule.... Scary.... Anyway, something strange happened last night. The folders on my shelves fell and scattered on the floor, along with those on my chair, but the strange thing was that it was put tightly thus unless a strong force pushed it, it will never drop, not even shaking would drop them, must be a violent force or some sort. As we suspect it was just that I slept-kicked it, its impossible because I hadnt have such incidents since long time ago, and even if so, the ornaments on top of the shelves, which would drop upon little force such as the wind, would drop too, yet they didnt, and the rest of the shelves are completely fine. Dad said one of the files had my name "Kyanta" written in big and obvious font and colour. Scary? Then as I took noticed of my remaining value of my ezlink, it was, $6.66. Sigh, superstitious or not? Hope everything's gonna be fine tonight. The thing is that I sort of woke up right after the folders drop last night, but went back to sleep thinking it was wind or something, and only logically thought through this morning, and it freaked me out a bit. Anyways, ciao.......

Yesterday competition was a total fluke haha. I had confidence since I was expecting the results for me to emerge last, so I was having fun, and my confidence got a gold medal! haha. Many thanks ofcoz to shixiong for such dedication for me to try this style, and KY for the thought to come to support me (though no one else cared). So yea thankful of such a great friend. I went to visit him for he was sick, even bought the qing re pian for him. Waited an hour for him to reply, but no reply, so I thought he might be in bad shape so I visited him, only to find him playing comp and seemingly well.

I was wrong, today he didnt turn up for training. He was sick, shivering when wake up, feverish. I think actually basing on logic, fever got 2 ways, one is to surpress, another is to let it out, normally for me is let it out, in that case actually shouldnt use 2 blankets, wear lightweight clothes drink warm water to let it sweat it off, but then u woke up shivering so thats weird, so lets say if fever is coz of body thermometer disfunction, and body generate more heat by shivering to achieve the malfunctioned thermometer standard, then drink lots of warm water should help?? So I so think it's coz of his lack of hot fluid intake.

But he sleeping in storeroom, sigh always think of this quite heartache, no comfy bed for him to rest well. Very alien what to do in his current situation, the least i could do is the pray and hope for the best. Maybe if have time I shall visit him again on tue after sch.

Wushu today was whole day of fun. Basketballing and catching. Basketball was okay, fun as usual, I think they all enjoyed it, but I think by abruptly stop the game very weird, like dont have the sense of finishing a last score or something. Psychology point of view, like some may have the competitive spirit to score next goal but just ended like that, momentum disrupt. Then catching, I dont know, unexpectedly 2 kids was turned off when the runner came up with stunts for them to imitate, and they would have to jump 2 frog jumps if unable to imitate. Then they just black face and sulk, like seriously WTF? Generations now so weak? its not like asking them to run whole basketball court or something, then we kept giving in, its like...... sigh.... play game nia complain so much, then sit one side diam larh, dont affect the rest of the atmosphere lehh, people having fun got crime arh? Thats why at times kids really irritating. Cant handle much nevermind, so "king" attitude, with the "far" prefix, rude somemore....... Well shall not care much, i wouldnt wanna be involved much, and certainly not the best baby sitter. =D oh well at least some kids do like me haha =D

Anyway, I think the rest enjoyed it, so oh well. Hmm, I think wushu is reviving! Plus the upcoming drama is about wushu too, might attract more people here. =D Hope soon we can have another camp =D would be super fun! Looking forward =D Was looking at archive on these fun times, really nostalgic haha.

So anyway went to BGSS band concert thing, was expecting like the anglican band concert but turns out like bds open house nia, oh well at least it's free. Rather surprising CH invited me, but just now I see everyone has someone to visit them and talk to, but he has none, not even his family and bro, I feel so sad, and so glad I turned up despite the rest of the church not free or cant make it, and despite ppl asking me not to go since no one else going, but I replied, imagine I was the performer and wants to invite 10 ppl, yet none turned up? Yepp so glad Ive put myself in his shoes, after all he's considered my student =D which teacher wouldnt be proud of his own student? haha. Shy boy as usual, but yea, awesome.

Ok ciao, lots of things to do tomorrow, especially PST, sigh headache sia. I shall do it during tmr break.

Another week has passed. Basically the focus of the week is at these few days, as usual. Wed I had training at Tai's carpark. For the first time ever in my wushu years, I was complimented. I felt really great, really really great. As their culture is one that likes to criticize, to the point it was overwhelming at one point in time, this compliment really uplifted me. Im very thankful for that, since im sort of immune to critique from them already, after learning sociology and such. Ofcoz, except a few of them larh which will never suan people. Anyway, so Oishii was picking on my laid-back attitude, which actually I would disagree. I mean ofcoz I know Im always the que sera sera style, but actually, in certain aspects I do believe Im a determined person. As Samy said, I might look laid back, but in the long run, actually im doing fine too. Ofcoz Im lazy, but at least I think I have progression, just that others progress faster so it always seems Im stagnant, status quo. I do have many commitments and many things to deal with, basically my juggling skills is lousy, so gotta prioritize them some way or another, resulting in many compromises.

So anyway, thur was a blast, it felt like a century worth of fun haha. Psychology lecture was about emotions and motivations, which Sharon actually disagrees about Maslow. So curious about her arguments, gotta ask next week. I still do think that it is accurate, because without first level, you wont think of anything else. But knowing her awesomeness, I'll be looking forward for it.

Today I attended a Love forum which I find is quite crap, I didnt learn anything significant much, except a nice take away that one have to embrace who are we inside, in order to really love from the inside, if not it would be nothing but a pursuit of recognition from others. Other than that questions are lame, no matured questions like "What do you think about clingy relationships?" or "What if the other party have no confidence in future?" or "Long distance relationships" etc....

Anyway, Thur was still best, organised a MindCafe outing, which KY invited his clique down too, those people who stayed over at their class chalet. Other than them, Nickolas (Tai's friend), Jo and his 2 twin friends, WeeSeng and Jorgen.

Those long hours were tiring, but overall, the atmosphere kept building on, constant laughter, constant smiles, and I hope they enjoyed themselves thoroughly. Managed to capture few genuine happiness on camera, which made me sooo happy, not gay, but its just that as I see people producing genuine smiles with my company really lifts me up.

After that, Jorgen, WS, Nick and me went for supper at Simpang Bedok, slacked and talk cock, really great, we had satays and chendols and taught them how to play Bridge haha, surprisingly Jorgen didnt knew how to play Tai-Ti, just like Siva in the beginning on the year. They picked up fast, as what these types of people usually do. I think these are the people who have not much friends in their secondary schools and rather homeboy, such that they seldom mingle with nonsense we do when we are bored, so they only play sports and things that normally people take pains to organize due to their rare participation. Then I walked them home, and that's the day, slept at 4am, woke up at 10 today to do project, then went for lunch and then rushed to that forum.

So anyway, was talking to someone today, and this concept of friendship came up. The person said that trying to keep update with friendships and KPO-ing about them might be in vain, like it was not the effort since life is like cohort, where there's always a cohort to move along as we live our lives.

So I agreed, sometimes, life is like a train, friends and cliques come and go as we go on with life, sometimes its not really worth the effort, such as me sending friends all the day to doorsteps, treating bubble tea, and many things Im proud that I did for my friends, even silly things like running with ice kacang melting on hand all the way to friend's house, stayed up whole night to counsel, agreed to KPO into friend's stuffs when I have tons of other things to do, research and help with sch works I dont even know about, etc etc, but Im really glad and touched by some friends who had went great miles for me as well, or at least the thought they had for me.

Namely WeiDe, that long ago incident where of all friends, he picked mine and another's to be "blessed" in his religion. Other than that, I think I would credit to KY, as he's like a optimism magnet, Cheuck's optimism vibrant up my life directly, but his is different, obviously he not as kiddish and high energy as Cheuck, he's rather serious, but his efforts bring interesting people into my life and made my life more vibrant, more full of activities and happiness. He's down with fever now, I really hope and pray he will be well tomorrow evening for the cell because I think he enjoyed it much, and wouldnt want to skip, so as his character he would embrace his fever to go. SO I wont ask him to come to support me tomorrow, as he wanted to do so rather badly, that got me touched, and tried convince the whole cell too! This is not extra miles, extra lightyears already! His thoughts enough for me to be glad I have such friend, do hope I will stay contact with him for the rest of my life, and may our friendship stay strong. After all, it all boils down to "How far are you willing to go?"

Thursday, after celebration, I went to help pop camp, didn’t know why I decided to do so! Its like suicide for me since I had little sleep time this week already! Anyway despite hearing complains and news about how out of hand KY’s group is, when I observed, they are normal naughty kids, rather I believe strongly it was the lack in team leaders cooperation.

When handling kids, we have to work on our facial expression, look calm when in trouble, to act as if everything is fine and under control. Both of them looks like the world collapse everytime there are small problems. Furthermore, the experienced one often mia, leaving the inexperienced to handle the rest, and being taught to be strict and firm yet his natural charm made him popular, it was really tough to take on several roles.

Then, perhaps this was all destined to happen, as I left at 5pm for 2h to do my school work, he snapped, and it seemed like a big issue. Perhaps someone up there really wanted him to try on.

As the performances was on going, we then found Child A, which was bonded close with KY, crying at the back, he felt betrayed on the absence of KY’s sight when he woke up, and assumed he went home without telling him. So as we found him, he was devastated, angry, exhausted of the crying. Ofcoz, KY thought he would be with his original group, thus was minding his own chaotic group. I saw his face filled with guilt and resentment that everything happened “under his hand”, he felt lousy. So I suggested he carry him onto the steps at the back, on his lap, hug him close. Not knowing what was best, he knelt down and hugged him. At instance I was really really touched. I rarely see such a dedicated leader for his team. Since I observed, he tended to the group’s need wholeheartedly and non hesitantly.

Then it was night hunt, it was really fun, I must say they did a superb job in planning and with the creativity to come out with the scenario. Then there are movies, and then my sleepless night. This was when I was shocked at myself. Since child A was beside me, whenever he seemed to be having nightmare or that sort, twitching or moaning, I would tap his chest or shoulder with decreasing frequency, sort of calm him down, and assured comfort and protection. Yet, as I heard a child coughing badly at the other side of room, I wanted to give him water, but I actually lie back down on the bed on the thought that my bottle was on the other side of the room! See how selfish I was! And how lazy I was! But after that epiphany, someone came over and helped him already, and so I was really ashamed of myself. Anyway, for child’s A, I saw the urgency and that kanchiongness in KY towards him. I smiled. Its really a great sight to see, a rather touching one, for their bonds.

So my observation led me thinking he’s a great young leader, potential servant leadership, a strong teen that carried on persevering everytime after he snapped, thus he didn’t just back down and leave the “rotten stall”. But I think he’s a little too perfectionist, he takes on issues too personally, carrying everyone’s burden on himself. Thus Pastor Jacq should be right, he was pressurized to perform, under seeing the other good leaders that could manage their group well. Being inexperienced, he’s unable to see whole picture, he tend to focus on the “lost sheep” without settling the herd, thus his reactions everytime someone deviated away made the herd feel lost, and that as the children see his hopeless expression, they might not be able to find assurance of a capable leader of them.

So KY tend to be stressed, and a huge factor of them is self implied. Other factors are that being new, he’s always pointed at by the other leaders, though not really being scolded, but being told what he should do and what he did wrongly, he must felt really lousy. Actually, handling kids will never have a model absolute answer, thus it’s really up to the cooperation, which is lacking. He was too strict in discipline, giving himself more stress only, under the misconception that strict is good, and he isn’t strict enough (though in my eyes I will never be strict to that extend) and thus he felt everything is due to his incapability, which isn’t true.

Performance wise, he is really good, perhaps even better than myself, but he was exhausted too fast, and that night he was on verge of getting fever, he’s people-oriented, so energy run out fast, which made his expression dull, that dispirited the team too, but everything was actually alright and in control. Whatever problems he was facing was common to the other groups as well, yet he doesn’t see that. As such, I do feel unfair for him to be 'scolded' by the other leaders of what to do, but then again, perhaps there's a reason for him to go through all these? Hopefully he will remain strong. One thing for sure though, he should be well eyed on by people, at least among the syrens and the "Pastor's circle" we all have seen and admired his great dedication and determination. Sad I couldnt see throughout the other days, but actually if fate wants him to go through hell, these might not happen if i was there, so in a way, lucky im not there. Haha. So... yea, proud, really proud, really great, to be able to know and see this boy.

So this camp killed me, but had given me a breath of life as well. I left at 6am for home, to regenerate for today’s movie and the rest of the day with Jorgen.

Lots of happenings this week.

On 23rd, we were planning to buy a present for Jordan since his birthday is on the next day. So we waited for Jordan to go for his cds at 2pm, school ended at 11am. Unexpectedly, he was stubborn, he wanted to skip despite lots of frowns and encouragements and taunts for him to go. So then we decided to go tm together, which initially I planned for each of us to take separate path, like Faris will act as if he’s going home, I will say I need to go church, and Siva will crap up an excuse to leave Jordan with the 3 girls so he will feel awkward n leave, yet don’t know why as Faris went up on 8, the girls followed, and everyone followed….

So on bus its round two, me and Faris acted to leave them at Fari’s bus stop, Siva will then leave them at TM, saying he need to meet friend at Tamp Library. And he was so fake when I faked giving him a phone call!! Haha, in the end he didn’t leave, so we sneakily bought the ball, with Delia’s help, “go toilet”, or “take food” (cuz they were in Manpuku), then in the end, after searching the 3 malls, we fixed our eyes on one at T1. So Delia suggested he send lizzie off to the bus stop, and jane, being oblivious thoughout, thought it was all real, even suggested “why not go home together”…. Hahahaha

In the end everything falls back as planned. =D at least the 5h drama was not wasted, he enjoyed the surprise, and thought it was all real. Haha we can be Oscar winners already =)

We saw Wednesday and Thursday together at T1, they were so sweet~ Wednesday was clinging onto him, leaning her head on his shoulder. Lovely couple…. Made me little jealous haha.

At night I went to church to help out with the Bursary thing, and chatted with KY, since it was his first time leading, and heard he’s got a tough group.

So on Thursday, Psychology lecture was about Developmental Psychology part 2. I guess Something that I got back from these few psychology lectures, if I were to have kids, I would have 2, and would spend more time with them especially first few years, and gotta have loads of family activities to avoid the only child feeling lonely and the chance of going astay. Through Psychology, Ive learnt much more, and understand kids more. I actually sort of shocked ____ after the truth and dare session, saying that by changing steads so many times in a year means that his heart is not searching for a soul mate, but searching for the type of soul mate he really wanted. Felt rather bad shocking him.

So then it was pop camp, which will be going into detail on the next blog post ^^.

Today, I went for "Apple of the eye" with Johann, Wei Nan and Jorgen, again Ive learnt much too. Some awesome quotes I liked are:

青春是一場大雨。即使感冒了，還盼望回頭再淋它一次 it means that "Adolescence is like a heavy rain. Even though you catch a cold from it, you still look forward to experiencing it once again." - http://www.lonelyreload.com

人生本來就很多事是徒勞無功的啊 this hit me hard. In the movie, this was said when the top student was asked what for studying for stuffs that we might not even use in the future? She replied that in life, there are many great efforts that will be in vain, that have no results. This motivated me, that not every effort I put in must make a difference, maybe, should enjoy the process, do for the sake of doing, because it fills me with life.

Nothing much happenings today, perhaps Monday blues, I felt a little down…..
So I started to observe details in life, and I observed a few interesting trivial stuffs in life that we often would ignore.

Few days back I was rushing for time, at the same moment as my next door neighbor, so I was like kanchiong spider packing up my bag and rushing for lift, which I saw my neighbor about to reach the lift first, so I thought she would wait for me as I suddenly remembered to bring some stuffs, so I went back in. Then, when I came out, she was still locking her door, and my mum was the one holding the lift haha~! Just nice both of us ran back into our respective homes to grab stuffs haha.

Anyway, so yea I observed my class at a 3rd person view, again I have this feeling as if I was black and white, and the world is coloured, as if I was an observer, going through some simulation or some 4D device. Somehow, I don’t feel the bond. Also, checking out the class wall, guess ive been missing out a lot, that Im so known to MIA, nobody bothered much about asking me for certain events. Similarly, I was rather surprised to see no empty seats around my normal clique. Sigh.

So yea in Psychology, it was as if parenting course part 2, we were learning about different attachment styles and parenting, with lots of input from tutor’s personal experiences. Looking back to my good old days, guess my pri was a lot fun, perhaps really, I had more love – To love and be loved. Ofcoz that was upper pri. In the children’s world, everything is small, everything is limited, the world is precisely what I know and what I see. This brings me back to the 天越高心越小 concept (the bigger the world is, the smaller my capacity to love is). Ofcoz, this is only my interpretation. Looking back again, ever since the new sem starts, I had not much of genuine wildness, or any outburst of joy. Sometimes, as I laugh with few of my cliques, I felt my smiles and laughter so mona lisa. Then, I as I often do, I wondered do my presence brings more benefits or burden? For example, how my friend’s sister came in and had an awkward and abrupt conversation with my friend. Or how my sec 2 na class failed maths. Well, it’s time for me to migrate again, the first half of the year was filled with amazing times in scc, which now seems rather alien to me already. I gotta find another place, full of love and laughter.

Then, I had always wondering, where is life leading me to? And the very purpose of me again. Somehow, I wanna be youthful, to not think so much, to enjoy teen years thoroughly. Speaking of this, I gotta catch “apple of my eye” soon~! Like fri~!!

Argh, back to Psychology, today we touched on the topic of love languages again. One strong point I caught is that, often Asian parents lack in their communication medium to express their love using touch or intimacy. This is a very crucial area, as many case studies shown that the touch and intimacy could prevent lots of future problems. However, there is always this Asian culture to not hug and kiss. My parents do not do that, not that I remember. Thus, it’s only after o levels do I hold my parents hands, like finally….. what an un-filial son I was. So hugs and kisses isn’t really our practices, just look at my dad, cant even pose a nice couple shot with mum, gotta CUT and adjust lots of times. Oh yea, so now that I’ve seen lots of broken families, I do envy those ideal family where generations are still close and have fun together. They pull their dad’s ears, fall on their chests, pinch their noses, tease around, have dinner on the same table….

Which then this huge dilemma struck me, do I want to be a father? After the much ambiguous future me and my future family have, the struggles and etc, the responsibility to raise an ideal kid, the fear that my child would deviate some day, or over control or under control, the image of them leaving me and establish their own family, or grow up not receiving the ideal care. Sigh.

Actually, Im still looking for someone, someone that I don’t mind spending the whole day doing nothing but talk, sharing the same frequency to talk about anything and everything under the sun, and able to keep up with my energy, to party and sing whole day, or simply just be happy when im around, and not giving me the “you again” expression, someone that will lighten up his/her face at my presence. To find someone like that, will be a dream come true? Often I see people with best friends, best buddies, best clique, but till this day, frankly I haven’t seen one who I feel can die without them. All are but come and go, have fun, leave happy memories, and go, like the train. But then again, perhaps that’s life.

Urghhh so emo……. Tomorrow will be a brighter day~ ciao~

Receiving compliments are really akin to receiving emotional flowers that cloud your mind with their fragrance. - Quoted from Chia De Zhong

Today my teacher complimented me on my consoling =D

It all happened yesterday night, at 11.30pm, when a friend, X, contacted me for someone to talk to. X's down with lots of problems. X's dad was only known to have quit his job (though i suspect he got fired), grandma just passed away, and not long ago X parents had conflicts. At such a young age of not even 14 years old, X had been through a lot. X has sort of family violence as much as I heard.

So X was afraid to view the corpse, as most young people do, but this was the 4th. Digging further I found out X had a 3 months trauma after the first viewing. So I actually consoled her throughout the night.

So I said to X that everyone goes through that, look at it this way , the moment we are born into the world, we’re preparing for this day, thus we live our lifes to the fullest, to leave no regrets, old age is more peaceful than reservoir, and its not sinful, wad matters now is the legacy she left behind and the beautiful memories left engraved in ur minds, be optimistic, the place afterlife should be less harsh than Earth

Then, unsure what to say I gave X my opinions and views of death viewing. I said that as we see the corpse, we should feel calm, like a feeling that he/she was at peace, and that would give us some sort of power to continue living, and take up what was left behind for us, the continuity.

Then, remembering the movie, "Departures", I told X that we shouldn’t mourn, for its not a bad thing. Some people even smiled at ease, that the person has went back where we belong, joining loved ones there, away from cruel world. Some laughed, as they see no reason to cry over spilled milk, and lots of other ways to cope with it.

And I continued by tellign X that X's trauma was probably due to lack of mediums to express feelings, it is perfectly fine and encouraged that X talk about it after the event, and share with ur family n closed ones to exchange thoughts about it. One sure thing is that during the viewing, no matter what, we should keep in mind that by viewing it it made the whole event real, and bear in mind, its all part of life cycle. Being real means like the person dont just vanish out of the sudden to nowhere. Viewing the corpse should let us feel that that portion of life is complete, and fulfilled, that the peace look would remind us of the happy memories left behind.

Then X told me about having the image stuck in X's head, so i explained that it means they had succeeded having great positive impact on ur life, and its rather good, cuz it helps u to keep the memories alive rather than suppressing it, since memories do fade. So I suggested when closing ur eyes, associate, link the happy memories of them with their peaceful faces, don’t u find a sense of bliss that u had been through such happy times? Those memories are uniquely urs n theirs, no others!

So this was about it, then my teacher actually told me to distract X from viewing instead, by focus on random stuffs. So that got me worried and I smsed X again to 'change strategy'. However she had looked at it. But today I received a good news that X is not afraid anymore during the funeral. Which I hope X is speaking the truth, and not telling a white lie just so that I would be at ease. X went on matured-ly, trying to solve the rest of X family problem.

This was again one small part where envy steps in, though its painful, I do envy young people who went through so much in their early stages of life, yet able to cope and have lots of supports. These people would turn out stronger, just as the chinese saying 吃得苦中苦，方為人上人.

Well, this is a rather big success, since frankly I lied (white lie) about my personal encounter with corpse viewing. I didnt actually had much emotions attached, thus obviously didnt have those dramatic feelings and 'understandings' of viewing. I based all these on the passing of my relative's grandma, which I had observed their reaction, and their laughter after the event. They had completely accepted it and are optimistic about going on with life. However, I still do not understand myself, just like a scene in departures as well, why would people laugh as they see the corpse? As in laugh of serenity, not sinister smirk, grudg-ous grins, sly smiles.... and that sort of things, but sincere bliss, which filled with warmth and serenity. Perhaps should check out with professionals.

Alright, another 2 days of full schedule, 3h of sleep. zzz... nites..... oh btw today had a great dinner thanks to Auntie Jacq~! =D

Today in LAW lecture, we touched on Ethical issues. Coincidentally, I was getting opinions from Siva on that Mine Cart, 5 lives vs 1 life philosophy question. So the lecturer asked:

If an elderly and a child were to be in need of help, assuming both are complete strangers, would die if not saved, and the chosen one would definitely be saved, which ONE would you choose to save?

Many would consider choose the child, on a common argument that the child has longer lifespan to do greater good to the society. This, itself, has already shows some stereotypes and prejudice people have towards the SILVER industry.

Furthermore, there is a hint of operant conditioning, not sure if I’d applied the correct concept, but anyway I think that media influences and social choices influenced a person’s rationale mind. Many media depicted the elders sacrificing for the young ones, saying “You got a better future” and such things, thus it would lead to people thinking that might be the model answer, and would normally stop questioning further.

Why wouldnt anyone try saving the elderly?

So I would argue that who determines which of the two parties would bring more benefits to society? Who can be so sure the child WILL have a better future?

At that instance, the worth of the elderly would be more, as the elderly would have more wisdom and experience to be able to benefit the society straightaway for sure. The elderly could right away be an inspiration to other elderly, or the younger generations, as a living testimony, as a living treasure, a teacher of life.

On the other hand, the child would have a long life to live in order to have a chance to bring greater benefit to society, which in the process would leech on Earth’s resources for inputs instead, and therefore there will be a possibility as well that the child might waste his/her life by turning astray or be raised into murderers and other possible predators that would harm the society instead.

Thus, the elderly would be more worthy, more rich in potential to bring greater good for society.

Some other questions that I would want to touch on in the future would be:

- If a thief were to steal from you for survival of his family, knowing stealing is bad, and that saving people is encouraged, would you allow him to steal from you?

My stand would be that I will let him steal, just like Zhu Ge Liang in the three kingdoms era, 七擒七纵, he captured the enemy 7 times, and let him go 7 times as well, as a result he surrendered willingly. So Likewise, if the item he is stealing do not affect you much, let him do that, and let him know that you let him steal, and lecture him bit by bit, this way, at least you know his target is you and wouldnt harm others which might affect the victims greatly, moreover can help him indirectly. Other than that, I think it's all up to the thief's destiny or fate.

- If the 2nd highest scorer goes around boasting and made everyone else sad, disapointed, discouraged, depressed... etc, knowing you shouldnt boast around and be humble, yet if that person goes on there would be more problems, would you still boast?

Nope, I think its no point, just cheer the others up, cuz if you boast around, again as 3 idiots states: When you friend do badly, you feel sad, when your friend do better, you feel worst, so rather be low profile.

- White lie: In order to not hurt or to prevent fatal consequences, would you do it?

Personally I do not think white lie is a crime at all, I think to a certain extent we got to adapt to different environment thus constantly change masks. Some things are better to be known, some could be tweaked to suit better. If it's for a greater good of another party, why not?

- Envy for improvement of friendly rivals, to be encouraged?

Yea why not if it's friendly rivals, I dont categorize that as envy, since there isnt any ill feeling at all unlike envy, which means to feel inferior that other are better in certain aspects and thus would harbour ill feelings towards the party. This is rare too.

- To "scare" the aggressor when being provoked, knowing violence isnt encouraged, nether to be used against another violence, so is it sinful?

Nope I dont think so either. But definitely I agree that it takes more strength to walk away then to counter back in any ways. =D So it would just determine how strong of a person you are. =D

Monday is over =D
Lots of sleepless nights last week, gonna rest well this week.

Fri I had amazing race, it was fun with the right people in the group. =D Enjoyed myself, though tiring and exhausting, but the party was lame, so decided to head home, and cuz of that I missed 11:11pm by 3-4mins~!!!!!! Sigh...... Well, at least the one in the morning was caught, though the wish was not refined well. So yea, 10 years down the road, and we shall see if it works =D

Somehow I got sort of an image forming in my head that im drifting apart from society, like getting alienated, but nothing has changed in my life, so... hmm... strange.

Sat was church as usual, was soooo glad weichong played the whole canon in c~!!!!! woohoo~!! But sad didnt have time to look at chang hong, I think he had a wasted trip =( sigh....... me and my lousiness.... While in cell, there are many interesting questions that poped up, that each can easily be turned into a philosophical debate =D shall slowly venture into those someday when free. Oh yea, I found out Elliot and KY took pure lit~!!! I was like~~ woooohooooo~~~ sososososososooooooo rare would people even consider lit~!! It woudl be tough, but im so interested that I would want to learn together, cuz if im not wrong pure lit will study plays as well. The book is cliche though, romeo juliet.....

Sun wushu was tiring, but at least for the first time I had someone's 'ren tong' (acknowledgement, of achievement, of standard met, of acceptable performance), like finally..... As I said, dont really have anything to be proud of except that fluke scholarship. Then went for steamboat with tanny and weide, and so on and so on.....

Today the test was screwed, left around 10 marks out of 30 blank, and 4 marks gone already due to lack of studying, no choice, procrastinate too much? Oh yea I had even forgotten to bring calculator! though the teacher lent it to me, it really shows something on me you see...

So yea in psychology, also learnt great lessons on behavioral management, like how to help people in various scenarios, and the term reward and punishment often surface. That's one, second is that we got to ask ourselves, how far are we willing to go?

For example, if you had a group member who fell into procrastination? Or perpetual lateness problem? Negative sanctions are not recommended, as it would not result in change of behaviour, just that the victim would no longer concern you, but his/her new clique. For example, how would you impose fine? Or how are you gonna reward them? What right do you have to confiscate their personal belongings? Or their freedom? There isn’t a distinct authority and hierarchy, we’re dealing at the peers level.

I also learnt that giving the guilt treatment is not recommended as well. Often people would try to sound in a way the person would feel guilty, for example to complaint that they missed the first part of the movie due to the lateness. However these guilt treatments would snowball into gossip behind the back, and eventually labelling them, and then end of friendship.

This is because these would result in accumulative feelings. These accumulative feelings could destroy relationships. One more case is in terms of work done, effort, marks attained, and academic excellence. As 3 Idiots pointed out: When your friend do badly, you feel bad, when your friend do better, you feel worst. Why would this be the case? Does that show a certain selfishness in human nature? Then about selfishness, don’t you think Reward for Work, Work for Reward has become our culture, and does that reflect something on our moral grounds? Again I think the bottomline goes back to few basics, money, self.


Anyway, back to topic, thus the slow method is always a better approach, according to western culture. Slow methods include to the extent you sacrifice yourself. For example, you meet the person one on one beforehand, call up before meeting time, constant reminders, or in terms of rehearsing for speech, to slowly increase audience from 1 to give the person confidence, these can be really hard. This is a constant challenge for me, how far can I go? As much as I want to help, how far am I willing to do so without compromising much on my other aspects?

Uncertainty in all - This is what I see, and what troubles me. I look on all sides, and everywhere I see nothing but obscurity. Nature offers me nothing that is not a matter of doubt and disquiet.

Uncertainty in Man's purpose - For after all what is man in nature? A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either.

Uncertainty in reason - There is nothing so conformable to reason as this disavowal of reason.

Uncertainty in science - There no doubt exist natural laws, but once this fine reason of ours was corrupted, it corrupted everything.

Uncertainty in religion - If I saw no signs of a divinity, I would fix myself in denial. If I saw everywhere the marks of a Creator, I would repose peacefully in faith. But seeing too much to deny Him, and too little to assure me, I am in a pitiful state, and I would wish a hundred times that if a god sustains nature it would reveal Him without ambiguity.We understand nothing of the works of God unless we take it as a principle that He wishes to blind some and to enlighten others.

Uncertainty in skepticism - It is not certain that everything is uncertain.

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Above is a few categorization of Doubt.

The reason of this post, is probably a few issues that came up to me, with one of them as lame as the drama , it was doubt that could destroy one's life, be it yours or others'. Then I thought of more in depth issues of doubt.

Perhaps the teacher ask you a question, and you were so sure about the answer, you raised your hands up straight and shouted it out, only to be replied by a raised eyebrow and a squinted eye, "are you sure", and you started doubting yourself, doubting your intellect, doubting your answer, doubting your ability.

This can be really devastating. I admit I often doubt myself. I doubt myself of my capability to achieve, capability to make a difference, ability to teach, ability to nurture, or sometimes even doubting myself whether or not I could accomplish simply tasks.

I was asked, "Do you get jealous/envious easily". On first response I considered "NO", yet as I thought through, I realized I do, and it's common and frequent, almost al the time. It is just the matter of how do I handled those. Thus I subsequently realized that I often adopted the Distortion and Dissociation.

Distortion is to distort the reality, despite knowing the fact, to suit personal needs. It's like bluffing my ownself. This is often in form of mind humour, "Without people like me, you wont recognize those 'talents'." This is simply a denial act, and an obvious biased decision, to boost a little self esteem. Yet, deep inside, I'm sure I do feel extremely bad, worthless.

Dissociation is to temporarily modify self-concept, to avoid emotional distress. This would normally postpone the unhappiness or other related feelings that is associated with the predator (the cause of defense mechanisms to act). I do at times just force myself to believe "Let It Be", just because I couldnt achieve the meet the standard of my ideal self. I had limited strengths with loads of building passion, like a peacock that couldnt spread its feathers as it was pinioned.

I often doubt myself. I doubted myself whether or not I really made a difference, by stepping back and observed or simulates what would it be like if I were to be removed from the picture. I doubted myself whether I am a man of my words. I doubted myself even if Im very sure of an answer. I doubted myself at my ability to accept the changes of the world.

So I often get envious, of good teachers, of charming personality, of good tact, of good performance, of good popularity, and many more. And now I thought of it, its rather a torturous inner conflict of what am I feeling inside of me, what am I thinking inside of me, and how about others?

And so as such, the scholarship thing really makes a huge difference in my self esteem. As I hate rarely achieved anything great out of life especially academically. Mountains are always higher than me in anything and everything, it was really hard for me to get somewhere to the Creme De la Creme.

Yea~!! 600th post of my blog~!!!!!!!
(Pop champagne, blow trumpets, pull poppers)

For all these years this is the first time I saw the MV of "Because of you - Kelly" and I finally bothered to read through the lyrics and understand it.....

It's about a broken family, with the first verse stating the stand of the victim - the child. She (the child) is committed that she wont make the same mistake as her parents, the failed relationship, that affected her alot, as well as probably her mum, who fell hard.

The chorus mentioned that the child was probably afraid of relationships to avoid taking the same steps as the parents, as such she wouldnt stray much, she preferred playing safe, and had constructed barrier of herself and the world, the reality, blocked the possibilities.

The next verse states her thoughts to probably her dad, that she tried to maintain her image of a cheerful child, trying not to tear as it would sadden him. However, the lack of family harmony has made her felt like having an incomplete home, lack of love, peace and warmth.

The family violence is eminent at the next verse, where the picture of death, pain and suffering came into the picture. Her mum was probably emotionally torn apart, trying to put up with the incompatible husband, yet wouldnt wish to divorce as she wouldnt want to affect her child, though she couldnt see that the disharmony affected more instead, and there is a hint that the child was probably the motivation of her to live on, to endure on, just as many mothers do.

The symbolism of the child is greater now. She symbolizes her motherhood, her vile of life, which is also awareness, of the family problem, as well as the conflict, of love for this child, which thus leads to a clinging but torn family, to love the child enough to not get divorced, yet that very decision affected the child more.

Now, the child is suffering too, for the same reason she is being emotionally 'tortured', by the dilemma she had. She would want a happy family but she is the one who caused the conflict indirectly, and she wouldnt want an incomplete family too, besides she might not know who to choose to follow. She's insecure, and afraid of the future. She might had resentment of being born into this world too.

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

That's the conclusion, the loudest sentence, the strongest words.

ENVY

o Feelings of inferiority

o Longing

o Resentment of circumstances

o Ill will towards envied person often accompanied by guilt about these feelings

o Motivation to improve

o Desire to possess the attractive rival's qualities

o Disapproval of feelings

JEALOUSY

o Fear of loss

o Suspicion or anger about betrayal

o Low self-esteem and sadness over loss

o Uncertainty and loneliness

o Fear of losing an important person to an attractive other

o Distrust

K: hmm for some reason i have the urge to know the reasons of the suicide-d ppl at reservoir...... why chose this method out of 1001 other methods? could it be 'recognition of the personal problems' because after death, the issue will be spread by the media? and thus ppl will then try to dig into the issue to KPO? thus the victim will felt that his/her 'existence' is more prominent, sort of 'fame' issue??

L: someone mentioned to me.. copy cat cases...like copycat crimes....as in it's recent for the next person who decided to end his life ... that's just one reason... we would really never know...

K: yea i know copycat, but of all methods, why copy drowning? the cost-benefit not worth it?? like there are many more creative ways to kill urself right? no need go through much torture, and copy cat wont do any good, cuz only the red shirt one and first one is remembered anyway.... why not adopt a more creative method at least gets more media coverage??

cuz drowning is tough, if we struggle and panic when a friend grab our legs in the pool, imagine the guts and determination they had to go through that mental torture to end their life?

there must be something mroe than juz personal problems to the reason they chose suicide in the reservoir =D

L: it's not about being remembered for some i guess. there's a period of time where pple were jumping off train tracks. i'm just saying when one is really down and desperate and they want to end their live... they are not too rational... so they just do whatever that comes to their mind 1st.. which is the recent suicide cases.. of cos there are many more reasons why each person choose to die in a certain way.

K: hmm, good point people arent rational when they chose to suicide..... maybe thats why they copycat ba =D its just totally ridiculous......

hmmm..... next im thinking...... does all the ppl even to the last second still insist to die?? or that they changed their mind but its too late?? like girls normally out of rashness chose to suicide, but internal battle delay them until normally is saved by their loved ones........ is there deathbed conversion? hmmm......

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Today wanted to skip wushu but sx insisted, so couldnt go church 25th anniversary. But glad so too, because i get to finish the baguazhang taolu today =D after that then I went to bbtc for the carnival. Bad starting, I accidentally hit the guy's head because I was about to fall so my hand swing up.... sigh... nothing big deal, but kindda irrinoying when someone kept sound like I did that on purpose...... but then again, kids.... sigh.

Then went to KY house, for the first time, his house exceeded the impression I had, but yea he had a great family, great support, great characters. I would say they have a lively family =D but I would agree he's a little too serious at times whereas his bro super cute, so child-like. child-like not childish, child-like is he's matured just that his personality is those host or comedian type, his behavior and thinking is quite comical, very de cartoon de....

For himself, he was now into options and stocks..... haha long long loooong time ago I had a few weeks of interest there too. He seemed confident, wish him success then =D But up till today, so not used to think he's sec 2, his knowledge, maturity, exposure, wisdom and understanding so like sec 4 or poly lorh.....

Also, there's another guy with the same frequency as him too, almost like twin brother like that. I noticed both of their smiles had a certain pattern and charmness too. Really glad he had such a pal =D hope they will remain best of friends even 50 years down the road regardless circumstances! Speaking of this, kindda asking myself at times, what in the world am I doing hanging around with a sec 2.... but he's so not sec 2, except academically, he's tall, so biologically he could be upper sec. Hmm....

So in LAW, this is an example of family influence, by socio, this is conflict theory, unequal excess of resources.

Today went to scc for a visit, another inside news... sigh... not really wise to post here but yea its a sad thing. Actually, I wouldnt say its bad either, lets just say life will find a way =D let it be... let it be.....

Then went to treat 2 of them due to their birthday. Taught piano to 2 students, called along Tai too, to have a little chat since wont be seeing him this week. He gave some feedbacks on that lesson, which is great =D and Ive learnt some simple NP thing about LED, basically one is lack electrons, on is excess electrons, then the transferring and loop of the electrons gives off light. Later that night was talking to KY, then Ive learnt of such interesting element as the graphene, its an allotrope of carbon, that can replace silicon, and is the thinnest material in the world, as well as one of the strongest and hardest. It could weigh less than a whisker yet support a baby. So well spiderman could be a possibility =D haha

Then it was cell, I redeemed 8 chickens from popeyes for the cell, and today is first exposure for the youths, as usual not many are left for next week, but no matter, its more of the right time.

So yea Kok Guan was the guess speaker. He's really an awesome guy too~ a great theologist I would say, a friendly one too~ he's like Samy or SX or JL, great pillars of supports in my life. Ofcoz his 'disciples' are awesome too like YJ n Lin. He was talking about BGR, but this time round it isnt as dry and boring as the last time one. He mentioned about waiting for the right time. So yea that sort of reassured me that there will be someone eventually =D That the problem dont lies within me, nor it is about having my criteria too high and impossible.

And yea I totally agree having a gurl only adds on to my already-overflowing problems =D but then again I started to develop lots of curiosity about personal and private stuffs now, due to sociology/psychology influence and the topic. Perhaps I have been a 'holy' guy for so long I had not know such things.

Perhaps the only reasons I got tempted to get a girl is not peer pressure, but time, as it was too draggy, and sort of loneliness perhaps? that I felt that I had no opportunities or platform to show the romantic side of me. I felt that I had little targets to show my love, not necessarily BGR love, just love. Thus I would only feel 'empty' when Im alone, but disappeared when Im volunteering, when Im with close friends. Well, just as Samy said, its hard for me to trust anyone, thus as I find one, I would hold it very dearly, but will struggle within myself if it was worth it.

So yea, I concluded, I should not hold back to much, just enjoy the besties in front of me now, no matter how different our life paths would be, these would be memories, buried in the soil of spring - of happiness and of 'had once possessed'.

So I thought back, and there was a few songs that already had labels on it, that the songs will make me think of that moment, that phrase in life, that memorable happiness we had.

Calcutta Taxi - P5 Neptune
Witch Doctor (Oo Eee Oo Ah Ah) - Indonesia with Sun Yi, Christian and Yohanes)
We will rock you - P3 birthday party, blast 10 years 100 his in my house at 554 Bedok North) with Weisong, Tat Rui
Rice and Curry (Hurry Hurry) - P2 with Daniel and Darren
That's what friends are for - Sec 1D Miss Naz party at my house
Greatest Love of All - PE teacher, P5
Wind Beneath My Wings - Ms Patsy Lee, P5
Take me home, Country roads - Mr Siah, P5
Boom boom boom - P3 with Tat rui Tat heng
Hero - P5 China trip
Butterfly - Giresh
Top of the World - Sec 1 Zikang, Cheuck, James
Mama mia - Sec 3, Tai fong (cuz he changed the lyrics)
That thing you do - Wushu, Sec 2 I think
September - Night at Museum also with Wushu
I Will Survive - Duet with Johann while qiao shou-ing
Xiong Kou Yong Yuan De Tong - Duet with Johann while qiao shou-ing
Zai Na Yao Yuan De Di Fang - CNY with family once
Ji De (JJ Lin) - Jam at Johann house with Sheng, Tai, Weide, Cheuck
Re Qing De Sha Mo - KTV with RV
Xin Bu Liao Qing - KTV with Pop
Baby - Johann Bday BBQ
Tell Laura I love her - KTV with Wushu
Lian Ai ING - Nicole n Me Bday with Wushu + RV + Qi Teng
Para Para Sakura - Beyblade madness P3
Liang Shan Bu Yu Li Ye - Duet with KY
Mary's Boy Child - Memory of me sleeping in Mercedes, <5 YEARS OLD
Wan Wan De Yue Liang - Memory of me at backyard looking at night sky, <5 YEARS OLD
Hao Han Ge (Water Margins) - When Grandmother was proud of me, <5 YEARS OLD
Feliz Navidad - 2010 Xmas with Pop Cell
Wake Me Up - POM skit with T1B01 mates!
Greased Lightning - POM skit with T1B01 mates!
You can't stop the beat - POM skit with T1B01 mates!
Bu De Bu Ai - Audition craze....
Zui Jin - Sec 4 Jie Ying's comment (why you always repeat that line?)
Low - Sec 2 Camp / Mass PE hip hop
Nan Er Dang Zhi Qiang - Flag Dance, P5

Thanks for all the beautiful memories. =D

The Oath is getting boring, not as cheeky as I thought, start to have lots of love trianagles, jealousy and those type of cliches again.... sian, but anyway, love is really just like that, lots of dilemma and awkwardness, lots of confused decisions and etc, so glad didnt fall into one haha =D love is something totally on fate, on guts, not rationale at all, but the process should be rather great and sweet, memorable, still, I always think that it is manipulable, to simple things like frequency of communications and intimacy, giving in, etc etc, doubt there are such thing as true love, at least to my current naive understanding, that relationship settles because they are comfortable together, dont mind each other, and satisfied, thus wouldnt think of other guys/girls. Once that breaks... its still same, so similarly, doubt there's such things as red strings, destiny, etc etc too......

Today I learnt the technical part of psychology of Pavlov’s Animal conditioning, which is the way a dog was trained in such a way that it will salivate as he hears the bell, or jump on its own without being shocked. Some of these terms (on my own understanding yet) are:

Neutral Stimulus – the bell/the food before conditioning, meaning the object at its own initially is not associated with anything and would not stimulate (cause) any response (reaction). The object as a pure form, its very existence.

Unconditioned stimulus – 5 senses, the sun is bright and cheerful, meat on the plate, the hot kettle, these are natural stimulus that will excite our 5 senses to have response.

Unconditioned response – natural biological response, for example to retract our hands on boiling kettle, to squint the eyes on bright vision, or to be disgusted.

Conditional stimulus – salivation + food + bell all paired, so each unconditioned stimulus is associated with other 2, thus being conditioned, its like being grouped together and given identity, once there is A, must have B and C, or A = B =C they go together.

Conditioned response – for each conditioned stimulus, others will follow through, sort of naturally, “learnt”, the result in a change of lifestyle, in the case, the dog will salivate the moment it hears the bell or smell the food.

Extinction – without frequency of the conditioned stimulus to be fulfilled, will stop, eg after the food ceased to come after the bell, the dog would not salivate anymore.

Discrimination – differentiation, choose within 2 stimulus, whistle and bell, one food comes, one don’t, or blowing of whistle of own field instead of other adjacent fields.

So some of the thoughts I had:

For babies reacting to different objects/sounds, like clapping, or the tsk sounds to lure the baby to approach the caller, if one caller had one specific object, so the baby would discriminate which of the callers would give him the best attention/gift/pat? Then would always approach the person with that object after being repeatedly conditioned to do so? Or maybe we can condition the baby to always follow a certain movement of hand, that all callers would use the same pattern to call on him?

So to discipline a child, for example, the child says please, then you give him a sweet, and he walk away happily.

Please, sweet, happily walk away
One day, if you reject, like : Please, no, will he still happily walk away?
So please and happily walk away are paired, even if one of them (please and sweet) is not fulfilled, the others will follow by, in this case, happily walk away? Is this the explanation, which thus gives others an impression of well disciplined child? But of course, then it will have extinction once the sweet is not there anymore for a period of time.

Then let’s take for example:

Bath, smoke, mug
So if one day smoke is taken away, will the person still study?

Or the morning bell before primary school, will that make students nearby school still have the school mindset during holidays, like in the morning as the child wakes up, he hears the bell, so he immediately would sort of line up to class, so at home he would start to automatically take out his textbooks?

How about saddist conditioning, we condition pain in such a way that it is necessary? Is this how they trained the Spartans? Those killer machines in myths and legends or movies? So we can condition someone to totally deviate with the norms from young? Similarly we can condition humans to adopt some kind of routine, McDonalization. Hmm…….

There comes a point in life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will.....

Awesome quote =D and there will be a moment in life where you know you've went a long way, that you can look back and reach out your hands to help your peers behind...

As usual, busy schedule, Mon 9am-9pm lesson, Tue 9am-6pm lesson, then went to surprise ZiKang and ZiJian. It's really great to see them again, and to be able to chat and seemingly no worries, just like old times haha. Do hope they can endure JC, that everything would be smoother for them. A small surprise, but felt really great haha, because I always had this impression told me ZK was looking out of the window on one birthday, pondering if he can spot me and weide. I think it was sec 1. Anyway yea sec 2 I went back to Indo, sec 3 I only bought a small cake for ZJ, sec 4 I mixed up his birthday due to post-olvl frenzy, so yepp finally he had his surprise haha. =D

Today after lesson I ent to visit MindCafe. Felt really great, to be back, to be recognized, to be missed. Marco was telling me that actually he needed me that few weeks, and even now, since there had been problems he need to handle in his kitchen, and in other things as well, he hoped that I could be there to help the new part timers. Sigh, no time lehh, no choice. Maybe I'll be back on Dec?

Then, I visited Samy, had a great chat too, and had lots of inputs and facts on lots of lots of things. As i always think, he is the most dedicated teacher Ive ever seen. Though no longer his student, he always go the extra mile to help me, to push us, to motivate, inspire and enrich us. One example how to spot a good teacher, I was saying about moe teachers that calledup parents of half the class who did not do homework, and he replied, I would call up the half the class who DID the homework to praise them, and perhaps give a few bonus marks for them, because they deserve it as they complete their assignments, and those who did not simply lose out, without disrupting their life, in case for crazy kiasu parents.

Then, I went touring bras basah, before settling down at the national library cafe to read up stuffs on the internet, and then went in to grab a book and sleep =D Hey at least I skimmed through half the book =D but I was really tired.

As for tomorrow, gotta collect scholarship invitations, and perhaps sent out to the invited guests, and then fri gotta go for some talk. Sat Sun same old.

Today I treat the whole youths bubble tea.... a hole in my wallet.... my debt-ridden identity has officially been reinstated haha. But no worries, in a few weeks time it's all gonna be minor matters haha. Hmm, for this month, perhaps I'll be going back into the normal hdb enviornment to work, my old bubble tea shop =D

Anyway, talk about today, went to lent bike from tai, give shirt to friend, collect coupon, lent money, teach piano, cell, bbq, and supposedly wanted to go for tp haloween but couldnt make it. But im satisfied staying, we had fun, and its really encouraging to see the youths all having a good time together, i felt the bond, the warmth, the family. Its funny though, rather irony, for a game that supposedly encourages selfishness and ill feelings and even violence, to be the catalyst for them to enjoy themselves, and a magnet for the youths and the young adults to mingle together.

So I was just hovering around, jumping here and there, chatting here and there, and yea, I felt great, is totally like one function or something. We never had such big get together before as far as I know.

Then again, was eavesdropping some of their happenings in school, and yea, they really had lots of fun times and crazy times in school, facing a wide spectrum of problems, and I could see both the maturity and playful side of them. Yepp, all these, if one dont try during pri and sec, he might not have other opportunities haha.

Then yea the reservoir suicide case was brought up again. So yea this only proves that these people got little, if not none, to turn to for help, for rant, for seeking advice, and its rather sad for them. And yea I agree for one of them to have the mentality to wear full red, they are really pitiful. Their enmity for the predator is so great that they held that vengeful will to be willing to have the guts to suicide by drowning. Any ordinary person would struggle and paddle as someone pulls the leg in a pool, but they got to endure that psychological and mental torture just for that. Really pitiful.

Anyway, yea nowadays the teens have so much freedom, Im rather speechless haha, during my time, I was one of the only ones who had that degree of freedom, but teens nowadays generally have that same degree. And yea, definitely due to access to technology, information flow faster, and they experience lots of problems early, even to BGR, was watching this youtube vid, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFpLpM0KGwM&sns=fb, I was laughing at first, but felt pity for him after that. To be rejected at that age? It's like Games at Twilight, Ravi, was so hopeful about emerging victorious, but was completely crushed, to the extend, "He felt his heart go heavy and ache inside him unbearably. He lay down full length on the damp grass, crushing his face into it, no longer crying, silenced by a terrible sense of his insignificance."

Guess as we learn Socio and Psy, everything seemed to somehow linked together. As said, there are more to a child's world. They too, have their own problems and stories, often more interesting than the older ones. Probably cuz of Pavlov too, that as we age, we see the similarity of problems, and we gain experiences, from ourselves or from others, thus we already have a rogh idea what to do as similar problems surfaced, and this goes on until our life is rather predictable and meaningless.

Oh yea I survived first week of school.

Sem 2 focus more on Mon and Tue, especially mon, after that, time went pass rather quick, such that Ive been trying to remember what did I do yesterday 1-5pm after lecture on Thur? Cuz I seemed to have spend 10 bucks somewhere but that part of my memory has sinked into the long term memory perhaps? Or just vanish..... vaporize into thin air. Im ageing too quick!

Anyway yea I think Im just gonna like psy lecture, thus thats the only one im gonna attend for the rest of the sem, and BNF too because I dont understand a shit there...... Right Ive realised Ive been a little more blunt nowadays, gonna refine myself slowly again.

A best friend of mine has grown worst, he knew it himself, well thats a natural defence against stress. I find him starting to Intellectuallize, under defence mechanisms. He's getting more insulting too, and very defensive, an obvious sign of frustration in him to be released, to be projected elsewhere, another possible mechanism. Anyway yea gonna be busy the next few days too, sat bbq + haloween, sun wushu + collect cake + bowei buffet invitation, mon tue sch, tue bday surprise, wed visit to samy..... sigh....

Oh yea, one of my module is sociological research, so then someone asked me, why do people have a weak mentality nowadays, that should lead to an exploratory research, from which can branch out to more applied research, perhaps can be evaluation or social impact, or simply can use explanatory approach right away? And is best using cohort (note cohort and time/period is difference in a sense one is whole population, another is samples from it), or even can be panel, to see the shift in personality/mentality of the subjects over time, but result can be guessed its most probably because strawberry generation, people live better life and peer influence that made even the strong adopt the weak mentality. Cohort is best now cuz not much difference will the ages of teens be defined, unlike other terms that might differ their criteria over time.

On Sun, I should be having a hands on experience to handle personality problem. I never handled this because, it seems harder than handling family problems, as in counselling the victim, not solving it, just making the victim feel less affected. But the slow method is really slow.... I shall adjust abit the degree of bluntness I guess.

As classmates said:

This personality is hard to please, easy to be pissed, and rather mood swing, so it's a clear sign of lacking of self-esteem, such that you'll be looking for someone to make you feel better about yourself, but the fact is that you are the only person who can really do that. You shouldn't base your happiness on someone else. Sure, it's okay for someone to make you happy, but if they're your only source of happiness, you might become angry or sad whenever they're not around, and that can be very demanding for the other person! It makes them feel guilty, obligated and eventually, resentful towards you.

It can be that this person received harsh and strict treatments that the person feel the lost of identity, not knowing how should the person behave to be accepted, and will resent if rejected, and so requires the attention. This person might feel lonely or at state of anomie because the person might feel he/she does not fit in with the world. However, at this stage, I think the person should realized the lag to keep up with the world.

Rather than complaining that the world (people around you) is against you, why not step back and look at it, that they function normally without your interference either, though without you they might not be connected to each other, but their lives don’t change, so the world will not stop because of one or two conflicts, you will just lag behind, like a rock in a flowing river. So perhaps, you should humble yourself, change yourself? Since in my opinion, you love attention, and that they are a few important sources of attention, so maybe you would all give in here and there?

Initially I thought its just a typical immaturity problem, yet seeing the wonderful minds of the gen z people, I dont think it should be lightly handled. Also initially I do not sympathize much and wanted to give one shot vomit everything out, but guess after thinking that the root of problem might be insecurity and searching for identity, I quite pity the person. But frankly, the person gotta learn to smile more, and be less sour plum haha. Have to level up sense of humour first..... be more accepting to the differences of human personality, then try to act such that both parties reach a common ground to co-exist harmoniously.

Then the LORD said to him, "What is that in your hand?" "A staff," he replied.

Through the trip Ive learnt to understand the lyrics more:

As you go through life you'll see
There is so much that we
Don't understand

And the only thing we know
Is things don't always go
The way we planned

But you'll see every day
That we'll never turn away
When it seems all your dreams come undone

We will stand by your side
Filled with hope and filled with pride
We are more than we are
We are one

I totally feel the lyrics now. Due to relative's recommendations and various detours, my trip was not at all according to my plan. We actually went up to the Peak in the morning, where its night view is the popular one, and thus went to Avenue of Stars at night, which therefore unable to produce good shots of the statues such as the famous Bruce Less Sculpture. Initially I was really pissed about it, it's like eating beef noodles without beef.

Then, our trip is compromised because we dragged too long at Macau, again because we wasted 4h where we could have seen the shows in the casinos there. So it snowballed over to our stay at ShenZhen as well as HonhKong again.

Thus, our shopping time is limited, and my parents are rather slow (this one I dont blame them), thus we got all our pace all screwed up, rushing when its wiser to relax, and relax when we should be rushing. Also, due to my mum's poor health, we got to give the last day to her shopping (dont mind either), so yea more or less many of my want-to-do are affected. I didnt get much time to shop for souvenirs for friends, especially the Wushu Group, and SCC P6, also my cell.

I wanted to get something motivating and meaningful for the P6 just like the cups sx bought for us, I'd like to get mini sculptures that suit us 4, I wanted to get dryfits for our cell to like an identity shirt, i wanted to print group photos of us and relatives to express our sincerity and gratitude, i wanted to get a set of new clothes for mum n dad as well....

but well, even with so many unaccomplished, its still great, because as I look back, I see our constant hopes for everything to be smooth, for good bargains, for good weather, for good people, and we all stand as one family, facing all these obstacles as it be, to care when mum is sick, or as she have she leg pain, or as Im tired, and much more, it's really a great feeling, one ONE, WE ARE ONE~!

Anyway, Love Thy Neighbour ending is a still a great twist, Tian Hu and Ye Meng didnt get together, but they both showed hope for each other's future endevours, and lived meaningfully and optimistically. All ends well, though the rest I dont really care, so cliche, typical sg show.

The new series The Oath looks liek a great show too, it's about medical, the coexistence of chinese and western practitioners, filled with lots of twists as well. And Christopher is a great actor too =D along with other actors, they have their standard haha, I think it's a great message for sgreans too, about trusting TCM, because TCM can also cure, with lesser side effects, cheaper, and more comprehensive unless need surgeries etc. This fri gonna go TCM again =D would hear and increase a little knowledge too =D

Next sem timetable rather shitty, Monday 9am-9pm, 6 modules at one go, tutorials somemore, so heavy~! But tue cuz tut only at 4, so might use that morning to recuperate. Thur Fri will depends on the first few weeks, if the lectures are beneficial or I couldnt catch up with tutorials alone, then I cant work anymore =(, wed, I shall devote to self study or projects and whatsoever. =D since it's only 9am-11am tut. However all the modules are not to my liking, even the psychology might not suit me, since there might be lots of theories that will confuse me. Oh well, gotta brace through it~!! Gambatte~!! To me and all 1B01~!!! Hopefully our class would be more united and driven to excel, and to improve our teamwork, to achieve heights as ONE. =D