26th Mar:

Spend my whole day at the Ageing Conference at Pan Pacific, one of the last moments of my poly life with my class, I concluded our class still had more laughs hahas! Bunch of fun loving people! So Then at night went for Timbre, and had a casual talk with a friend. Simple day passed.

I guess it's official that my friendship with a friend I once considers close restarted.

Perhaps will not be as close anymore but at least I'm happier at this conclusion, at least I know what pisses him off, and realize our friendship rather superficial. I mean one moment will ask me for lunch n dinner, and talk about games and all, then one trivial matter can totally shut me off, so its all still at a companion level, no personal level yet.

It's ok, hope can continue eating and talking about games, I don't mind.

Sigh now that i know, at least no more resentment, now feel like holding something to give me some security feeling, but none....

Sometimes it's really hard to get a shoulder to rely on, or even to get a hug, esp with all the homosensitivity around. I really feel sad for ppl like me who got no one to receive hug from, and can't find a guy to do that cus it's just weird.... Cuz our culture, ppl stereotype fast... Esp for males... so ya, only bolster lor...

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Time can never mend
the careless whispers of a good friend
to the heart and mind
ignorance is kind
there's no comfort in the truth
pain is all you'll find

-----------------

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

-----------------

I know it's not enough to say I'm wrong
You know that I will miss you now you're gone
I know it's not your life to see this through
Just know that in my heart, it beats for you
So leave a little note for me behind
I swear I have to know the reasons why
This won't survive

27 Mar:

Gathering with sec sch friends,
really surprised most of them remembered whatever I said long time before,
and yea other than those,
we really Talk Cock Sing Song,
lots of cold pun jokes by Cheuck as usual,
and then yea it was mostly laughter.
BKT and Cheesecake Cafe were closed,
we ate Tian Tian and O Coffee Club.
So excited for the next big event,
driving to Malaysia.

Yea, I rmb a few of my friends never flew on a plan before,
I seriously felt like devote one month of my time working,
so could have a short trip on a plane for them......
Then again my work is only 4h a day,
cant fetch me enough money.

Sigh~~~
Someday I will!

Yea it's really heartwarming to gather and have a good laugh,
I think in the end, the 94s people in my life
are the more lasting people.......
even though we not as gung-ho,
totally "xi shui chang liu" (thin water runs longer)
=) cheers to Talk Cock Sing Song!!

What an idiotic episode.

Sigh.
Today a close friend of mine suddenly left group,
the group was about to decide where to go tmr.
So then I was suddenly saddened, terrified.
This is cuz I just lost another close friend last weel.

Then I thought that, it should be bgr that he did that.
So then after awhile I found out I was right.
Then, it became worst.

I was disappointed, pissed.
I told him countless times,
not to vent anger on innocents,
not to deprive ppl of their rightful share
of happiness and time with him,
and this happened.

Dont tell me cuz no mood or what,
The whole world go through the same damn thing,
We are emotional I know,
I tear alot too, it's no shame,
But in the end I did not carry my problems around.

Then, Im disappointed in myself,
that he is not even talking to me his problems,
talking about bonding,
we came from a 10-ppl cell to 5,
then how is it bonding
when simple life problems such as this
not being shared........

Also disappointed in me being a lousy friend,
that people could walk out of my life on trivial matters,
my gosh, what bullshit about social,
total bullshit,
social ties are so superficial and shallow,
maybe cuz I couldnt taste the grapes to say its sour,
but whateever......
dont matter anymore......

Totally devastated,
to think about all the efforts and time,
to even rush there in 10 mins,
with a bike without  brake,
almost banged into traffic twice,
forgot about the steep slope and almost out of control also,
sweat like pig and all in vain cuz he's aslp already.......

sigh.............
never been so angry in my life.......
though I think I probably soft heart again,
but for now, Im a cold hearted machine.......

Mundane these few days.

Fri talked to JL for 3h before training.
We talked so broad that I cant remember everything he said,
Then sat morning training, then is fellowship night with the cell roaming marina,
before that was service, which is kindda in line with whatever JL say.
Then today, bought an electric guitar,
Hossan Leong show later.

So..... some summary:

- Heaven chose extraordinary people to achieve feats, that doesnt mean only they can do it, doesnt mean you must have something in order to do it, you are able to achieve it too even with ordinary stuffs in your hands.

- "And so you helped, and so you succeed, then you look back, ohh, there are so many people", we cant help everyone in the world. 

- The human need of Carnality, often builds mental blocks, self drawn lines and self built perimeter that restricts wisdom and understanding.

- Human define and explain things in our limited knowledge, we must also accept the fact that there are knowledge we do not yet understand, until then, we can only learn

- People in the end are all the same, things and problems are the same, just that it happens still, because we have yet to experience that path, these kindda paths probably are meant for us to go through only then we can be better than others.

- Moderation. We should achieve moderation in all we do to do our roles well. However, this do not mean compromising. If we compromise in order to achieve moderation, it is not true moderation. Our priorities, attitudes and times should be in moderation.

- We should not bring home our troubles from roles to roles unless deliberately discussed. No matter how passionate a teacher is, no matter how much the society emphasize on going the extra mile, who defined that extra mile, who gave the concept that a good teacher must go the extra mile. As a teacher, during your role, you can reach out, show concern, etc, but other than that, do not bring the worries home to your kids, your spouses, etc, if not, it becomes a problem, a burden, a distraction, for you to perform your other roles.


------------------------

Sigh, a friend is still not responding to me after the friend got angry. Sigh, I choose not to aggravate the matter to visit and etc, shall just await the return. If by wed no news, I guess I have to accept the fact that people come and go, I probably lost another close friend. Sigh. Lost so many people in life that I guess Im not really a people person after all. As much sadness as I feel, I should learn to put it down.

-----------------------

On the other hand, some random new friend dreamt of me! hahas dont think anyone had that before?? random but yea, thats cool~

Oh one more random thing, the whole cell actually knew about that Thai song, Kamikaze, Splash Out........ like....... seriously???? is THAT popular????

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想妳三暝三日　從頭到尾把妳想一遍
　明知影無彩工　風吹草動嘛心震動

Thinking of you 3 days 3 night,
Thinking about all these memories we've been,
So obvious thinking wont change a thing,
But it's like the grass wants to rest but the wind kept blowing

想妳三暝三日　一點一滴按怎放抹記
　乎妳帶走的我的靈魂　只有是隨風亂紛飛

Thinking of you 3 days 3 night,
Every detail so reluctant to be erased,
As you took away my soul as you depart,
Leaving an empty shell wandering

夜雾那么浓 开阔也汹涌
有一种预感 路的重点是迷宫

Just had a gathering in celebration of the champion team, 
great day I guess, but not really perfect,
kindda screwed up cuz one of them left. 

Sigh, didnt expected that,
then drown myself in more songs...

Sometimes, I really wished the eyes are cameras, 
that could capture every hearty laughter and gleaming eyes, 
of that moment of joy shared by everyone, 
perhaps thats a common goal for event photographers, 
but to me, it's more than a moment, more than a memory,
it's like a diminishing essence of life.....

I mean, life is not perfect, 
we have unglams moment, 
but not like we are gonna display unglams to shame on people, 
somethings these unglams make better memories than glam posed shots....

Sigh, no idea how our friendship would go, 
Ive seen people walk offs,
and as they left, 
it seems like a part of myself, my memories, my emotions, my life, 
have left along as well.....  

I really wonder what would NS life be. 
Normally people would have strong bonds with the platoon, 
but how about former friends?
Are we friends just because we have a common "group",
Could we be more that companions, 
those kind of people that may not meet but could gel perfectly fine?

Oh right, anyway I found someone to sing Ji Pa Ban with me!!!!!!!!
So damn high that day la!!! we quite gam, like some partner in crime!!
All the cold jokes, lol-ness, guffaws and all...... hahas!
So damn "brother" feel lo!! hahas !!!!!!

Hmm, decided to consider Blue Yeti,
cuz it seems reasonably good for a starter mic,
then hunting for electric guitar, digital drum / cajon, harmonica.......

Other than that, starting work soon to pay for all the musical instrument spree......
Then it's till NS I guess..... 
Hmm, yea the end of the path is yet another labyrinth......... 

It's been like decades since I last updated again.

Well I'm kinda aimless in life right now. 

Kindda feel like I wanna enjoy my holiday but not much happenings.

PTL though that before the haze saga n monsoon season I went to most parks already. Hort park to Mt Faber, botanic gardens, by the bay, etc.....

Some highlights would be:

The Quest 2014, we had 3 teams, DQ. ZH, KY and CH came in champion!!!! Walked away with iPads and cameras and lots of gift vouchers, including celebrity fitness membership!! Cool !!

Bought ukulele for the cell, complete colours. Long term investment, hopefully can bond us better. I mean after all these years I still think we are not truthful enough, not open enough, not dependable enough, etc etc. 

Choke full of bean is cool! Went with dq n family, made me wonder what kind of a brother would i be if i had siblings. Many ideals bro i wanna be but im sure it is freaking impossible. Slept over at dq house for first time hahas. 

Went for Rolling Stones concert, ofcoz their music themes not exactly nice, it's after all power, sex and drugs, but they are really awesome to maintain the energy the hype the quality at such pioneer age. Sad though about the death of his girlfriend. I think self harm and suicide are signs of coward, lame, immature, failure, escapist, good for nothing, waste earth resources, losers. 

I guess everyone feel worthless in some time in life, I think I feel that constantly, no doubt thinking of vanishing on Earth is easy solution, but seriously, no problems on earth are totally new n unprecedented, why all the fuss?

I think I struggle alot through own things, about lying to the point my life is a lie, about loneliness and desperations, some addictions or fetish, some rebellion, some self pity, misfit, but that don't make me suicide at all.... 

Sigh. 

To all ppl in the world....

Stay strong!!!!! 

We walk, but felt like trapped on the spot,
We live, but felt like mere existing,
We love, but felt like drifting away,
we smile, but felt like fountain of tears..........

多少人走着却困在原地
多少人活着却如同死去
多少人爱着却好似分离
多少人笑着却满含泪滴

Such beautiful lyrics!!

Unofficial graduation on Feb 17 was great,
we went ktv after that!
Miss those times!

Well that marked the end of poly life.
Been exploring Singapore,
and have lots of new experiences.

At River Safari, didnt expected that I would enjoy so much,
I find the animals so cute!
How the Mantinees eat, and use their flippers like hands of babies,
the red pandas chasing around each other, and looking at passer by with curiosity,
the panda, sleeping with such attitude,
the alligator,  and the monkeys!

How are they feeling inside?
Dont they have a need of novelty?
What high levels of obedience to the law of nature!

Also as I travel I notice the number of mentally challenged,
some were doing weird actions yet the wrinkles
at the corner of their eyes says that
they are happy.
What is their purpose?
How are they feeling?
What made them so happy?
Why can't we?

Then I went to Labrador,
I was in luck to witness Kingfisher preying the 2nd time in my life!
So graceful! so beautiful!
And monitor lizards!!! 4 of them!!!!!!
And the butterflies, the mudskippers, all so amazing.

I have been to country club as well!
Singing my day there.
And talked to many interesting people,
so much stories, so much resilience in life!

Went to the first Neon Lights night with Goodfellas!
Great time dancing and jumping!
Like a mini clubbing kindda thing with awesome music
instead of techno electrical sounds.

And the usual wednesdays with enigma,
some big shot recognized and shoutout by them as I walk in!
Hahas!

Then, pretty much, have not been socializing to my usual social circle.
No idea why too, just like I was waiting for some ppl to ask me out,
but since there were none, I set off myself,
to places I want to go, do things I want to go.
More freedom like this,
nothing is really definite.

Was rather furious at some,
but then after that,
I again realize I had my expectations too high,
trivial things though,
not showing me results,
not bothering to ask me out
declining overseas trip but previously said "anything", "up to you".
we should leave people to shape their own image, 
instead of shaping them with our expectation and imagination. 

At times felt so hurt,
when I say i wanna take up a musical instrument,
some of them gave me that "are you kidding me" look,
also, when I obviously know something,
but the person lied in front of me?
I respect the privacy, but the hurt is still there,
like the professor in "Lie To Me" knowing the lies,
yet chose to remain silent.

But there are times I felt happy,
to wish me on festive seasons,
rmbring stuffs,
wearing my gifts,
bringing me food......

No matter now, after all, we all walk our own lives,
helps are bonus.
Some cling on tight on social,
but maybe it's not my cup of tea,
not my privilege to have those kind of
gung-ho bunch of ppl,
sharing same interests,
support each other,
almost 24/7 together,
achieving something together,
being happy just because of the companion,
not the activities.......

Yea,
No condemnation
No comparison
No competition
Only encouragement

holds so true! so hard! so ideal..........

谁知道我们该去向何处 
谁明白生命已变为何物 
是否找个借口继续苟活 
或是展翅高飞保持愤怒 
我该如何存在

This song suits the mood so well!
Every morning I wake up I asked, 
"Who knows, where should we head to?"
Who understands what is the meaning of life?
On what reasons we struggle to be alive?
Or to grasp to our persistent and soar up high?

Then, I also became a movie/TV/anime junky.
I've watched Lie To Me, Perception, White Collar, Criminal Minds,
Kuroko, Eden of East, Frankenstein.....

And kindda think again,
What is there in life?
Motives, Emotions, Lies, Perception,
drives the world, other than that, life is pretty plain.
Some of us turn to religion, some to dreams, ambitions,
to make sense of the world we live in.

I have 50 plus years to go on,
how should I live my life?
I have no directions,
not because I dont have,
There is no drive, nor reasons,
for my fighting spirit.