Internship has ended....

Ystd had a simple dinner with bds ppl, but I guess dinner with wushu was more lively, we dig up every rumors on Jo and had a great laugh. Then I felt rather unfair to them cuz months back I was thinking like we do not have much activities together anymore and they don't enjoy volunteering or food touring so at that moment I thought I should prioritize another group instead. Then that dinner made me reflect I was damn dumb. I mean like the group that frequently make me laugh until lose weight (cuz abs too pain, burn alot calories) is this group.

It was like those childhood friends once in awhile meet but had so much fun n laughter. But everyone has their own paths, like 3 idiots. 

Sigh today going to fix cam n try out coffee place at Everton. Obviously anything that requires spending of money is highly frown upon by parents. But to think of it, there is nth that I do that really make them support. I don't get it. When other people trying to find comfort at home after pressured in society, their parents were supportive. But mine? They always think I'm wrong, always think I'm incapable, always think I'm just screwed up. Hurts. In society, nth goes well for me, I screwed every single shit there is in life. Sigh.

Seriously these series of misfortune makes me realize what the fuck am I of use in life. Is there anything in society that really suits me, that I'm actually good at? I never thought I would have suicidal thoughts, but these days at I lean on the escalator up to plaza sing or look out my window I seriously feel like taking a short cut in life, I mean, it's really just a simple act, though a selfish one, but still life will go on as usual eventually. The river won't stop for a rock rooted in the middle, it will flow on. 

Sigh..... Future is so bleak, what can I really do in life? What must I do in life? Entertainment is like the only things that gets me not think about life and let me carry on.... Not just the arts field, but every  single thing on life, coffee, wine, martial arts, music, etc...... Without these, the impulses are high..... 

What else will I screw up?

My greatest fear now is that I might screw up the wedding which my friend hired me as the videographer. It's a lifetime event, pls have mercy on me.

Tiring today, but managed to cut down loads on food.

Entire day, my intake would be mee pok, tofu, siew mai, soya bean, 100 plus, then plain water all the way~

Then, after training went to meet friends, initially they wanted to come bedok find me for that few moments before training.

Good day today, work is rather peaceful, I want a instaphoto contest, and good start in project, and good friends around.

Anyway, came through a post and I felt it's brilliant, thus gonna reblog from lonelyreload.com

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Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone wants to live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room.

Everybody wants that, it's easy to want that.

If I ask you, "What do you want out of life?" and you say something like, "I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like," it's so ubiquitous that it doesn't even mean anything.

Everyone wants that. So what's the point?

What's more interesting to me is what pain do you want? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives end up.

Everyone wants riches and good relationship, life like drama, but how many willing to sit through the long hours of corporate work or to discuss awkward silences and tough decisions. 

Because happiness requires struggle. You can only avoid pain for so long before it comes roaring back to life.

At the core of all human behavior, the good feelings we all want are more or less the same. Therefore what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we're willing to sustain.

What determines your success is "What pain do you want to sustain?"

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all.

So I ask you, "How are you willing to suffer?"

Because you have to choose something. You can't have a pain-free life. It can't all be roses and unicorns.

Choose how you are willing to suffer.

Because that's the hard question that matters. Pleasure is an easy question. And pretty much all of us have the same answer.

The more interesting question is the pain. What is the pain that you want to sustain?

Because that answer will actually get you somewhere. It's the question that can change your life. It's what makes me me and you you. It's what defines us and separates us and ultimately brings us together.

So what's it going to be?

Read more: http://www.lonelyreload.com/#ixzz2lOQLJU63

Pitbull New song is great, Timber.

Well these days, quite alot of stuffs pressuring.

First is intern, I gotta start on the reflections stuff,
Then is project, cuz need to think about proposal.
Then is my life direction.

Kindda lost these days.
Sometimes I dont even know what I am feeling.
It's a kind of melo.
It's like sometimes I really like to drown myself in music,
drink myself to slp, really felt so meaningless.
Then, hoping for some ppl to catch up,
but convo stop halfway,
and dont wanna start talking about others life,
cuz will be received as KPO and annoying.

It's like sometimes I feel that my expression is wrong.
Talking to ppl about myself do not mean ice will break.
What makes a friend?
Wishing for a penpal now........

Jolie in her awards said,
Nothing is anything if you lead a life not as use to others.
Well said!

The xmas planning made me think hard of life again.
I browsed through the old albums,
So happening. But.......
I cant even fill a list of 20 on the list.
Maybe 10 is a struggle.

Then I look at other ppl,
All the gatherings, and dinner, and happenings,
They seem to be able to maintain a big group for years.
I know there is this element of "bobian-ness",
but cant help wondering if i could change it.

Kept having so many events,
everything good for too long cease to retain its effect...
sometimes too much of it became a "chore" to ppl,
they started to feel like a "forced"
they start to get bored.

Hmm, aiya, shall not plan anything and let ppl find me liao.
Gonna juz focus on my competition coming.
Today learnt alot from TS.

Must lose weight !!!!!! lose 4kg~~~
JYJY!!!!!!!!
Cuz my current weight is heayweight category,
too many foes, must cut to the category before.

Goodbye to you my trusted friend 
We've known each other since we were nine or ten 
Together we've climbed hills and trees 
Learned of love and ABC's 
Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees 
These few days sux to the core! After all the disappointments on Fri and Sat....
Today I was called KPO and Irritating..... OMG cant take it, so embarrassing in the train...... heng got tissue
Like wtf sia i give up on everything, so ridiculous that concern is taken as annoyance.......
Goodbye my friend it's hard to die 
When all the birds are singing in the sky 
Now that spring is in the air 
Pretty girls are everywhere 
Think of me and I'll be there 
Guess this week is really not my week, or rather since last wed, been either rushing or late,
and problems kept arising, and Im starting to lose direction in life, 
seriously clueless what am i gonna do in my life. 
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time 
Friends come and go, was juz discussing about it with a friend the other day (ironically), gonna accept it, kindda funny that I used to wonder why girls kept getting into rs and keep breaking yet they are still trying.... looks like friendship works the same way. either betrayed or drift....
Goodbye Papa please pray for me 
I was the black sheep of the family 
You tried to teach me right from wrong 
Too much wine and too much song 
Wonder how I got along 
Sigh..... not gonna care anymore,
let this year be the last year, 
think shall cancel all the upcoming gatherings
Goodbye papa it's hard to die 
When all the birds are singing in the sky 
Now that the spring is in the air 
Little children everywhere 
When you see them I'll be there
just make no sense, perhaps im just not that good anymore,
to organize such stuffs.... 
im tired of friendship already...... Misanthrope shall I be
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone 
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone 
Call me petty or what, but im fed up
maybe im not the kind of 'fun" friends in a sense
I tease little... thats me, or perhaps i have other flaws, thats me
Goodbye Michelle my little one 
You gave me love and helped me find the sun 
And every time that I was down 
You would always come around 
And get my feet back on the ground 
For once I gonna be selfish,
it's me, my life and I from this day on.....
I was about to change my blog address...... guess it stays after all......
Goodbye Michelle it's hard to die 
When all the birds are singing in the sky 
Now that the spring is in the air
With the flowers everywhere 
I wish that we could both be there 
Came across a quote that day, 
that says we are not happy if we try to seek it,
I guess thats true, but how do I get it without with seeking it?
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time 
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone 

What a tiring day!

At midnight yesterday, just as I was about to sleep, J called me to say he is stuck at Airport cashless and thus have to cab to my house for me to pay. So then I started doing project and completed it by 3am.

This morning, invited the cell for a pizza party, supposedly for CH due to the bus stop, but then I think he eat little only. Supposedly also to celebrate holiday for n and O lvl ppl. Anyway the atmosphere was so awkward.

Was pissed in the beginning cuz they were complaining about helping me to get the pizza, like wow, now I see how big of a burden is that to u....... totally so different that the one who carry my bike from katong to my house, or to take ever bus record when I overslept. I mean..... I was totally disappointed.

To think that some complete stranger bothered to heed my advise and was more appreciative than closed ppl in my life. I guess ppl take friendship for granted too much already. Was just talking about friendship with another friend the day before, when I visit SCC again after so long, and played colour catching like the old days hahas. And even had ppl crying as we leave.

Then at MindCafe, atmosphere was so different. Like I used to be able to have fun mindcafe trips with different groups of people, but I guess the best times are still with Wushu friends.

Kindda make me think of Task-Specific social support, where people go to different friends for the "benefit" of different needs. Like you approach a gaming friend for game, a sports friend for outdoor, etc. But lately I guess I was trying to adopt the hierarchical-compensation model but seems to still be traps in the convoy model.

What makes a friend a friend sia, if just for the "benefit", then its so fake lorh, sigh.. vanities of vanities, all is vanities!!!

Sigh. Anyway, anyway today just gets me thinking, why the in the world did I bother to do all these again, like I have not been organizing anything much, life goes on, why the trouble, and not getting the kind of appreciation I think I should have.

Totally no mood to play in the middle of it, but then seeing how some of them bothered to try to save the atmosphere to buy snacks and introduce games, and at least laugh. Hate party pooper so much, the world dont give a damn how u feel until you deprive others og their rightful share of happiness they would otherwise have.

As I said lorh, donno nevermind, at least give the damn to try, to act, to force yourself to like it, cuz positive psychology concludes that forcing yourself to like something will one day make you actually like it for real. At least make an effort to try.

I mean, I dont know why always have this kind of ppl in a group as always, why cant I have a perfect group of like minded fun and adventurous group of ppl.

Sigh.

Then me on the other hand trying to be hero make what shit differences, whole loads of bullshit, my parents are right, why spend so much money on ppl when I cant even feed myself.

Guess the only good times I had was to teach a friend to play pool and to catch up with an old old friend.

Sigh...... so many things these days!! whats wrong with me???!?!?!?! why so troubled, so stuck, so lost....... What the hell i wanna do in life man....... what should I do, what should I pursue, what exactly do I want?! It's like all chasing after the wind, so futile! 

So tired....... shall slp early.. nitez!

Red on my knuckles, dry on my throat. 

No worries, I simple vent them on the wall.

Sigh, was really tired, tried to have a good sleep in the sofa, wants to go for a good beer but decided to come home for the home cooked dinner.

Who knows, as I wake up, quarreled with parents till now.

Today is just not my day. 

Morning late for bus stop, luckily a friend was soooo great that he wrote down EVERY SINGLE DAMN BUS until I wake up........ gosh soososoososososooooo grateful!!

Then, cab to work, in the end jam till $22.

Sigh........

Anyway, yea, low on cash these days, then mum came demanding explanations for my expenditures. Well, on my part, I seriously couldnt feel it every time as I eat it cost up to 20-30, that amount seemed so small until it snowballed into hundreds of dollars.

But then, she kept lamenting about me treating people around me. I know I owe them for a living, but then again, I have kept to my means. I spent within my budget, I no longer need to ask for their money other than the 200 they gave for simple meals, phone and transportation.

In my point of view, what is a dollar saved today when it would depreciate in the near future, rather to spend it on people around me, who mostly had not enjoyed gourmet food or been to places in singapore. Why to cling on a fading dollar when you can make a little difference to a person's life, that could widen their horizon for greater understanding of the world around them.

It really makes a great difference. Before my financial freedom from part time work, I have been a frog in a well in Singapore. There are so many places I have never been to, so many food I have never tried. Being in a well can really be depressing, you start looking at the world so small so lifeless, and you start being pessimist, starting to find a bleak world out there, starting to feel that the dark cloud above the well is the only bleak outlook of life, failed to see that somewhere, there can still be light.

My principle of life is to share the world I live in. I understand the struggles to live, especially with money. Why keep thinking that money can solve everything? Why kept thinking that money is the essential essence of life? Why kept thinking about "what if fall sick need go hospital"? Why kept thinking money spent is money wasted? It's so depressing to see how money had been a center of your life. 

I mean, as young as I am, as spoilt as I am, I spent within my means, still living fine, I guess that is good enough. I understand the burden of 8 mouths to feed in my future, but that is future, why let the future deprive me of a great teenhood. I have no great talents nor rich friends that might be of use in the future, but there is a reason it is so. As long as I find happiness in them I guess I am alright. Everyone has hobbies, let's just say mine is to make a difference. And I got nothing much to make a difference other than just to eat drink and be merry. And so be it.

Sigh....... what difference could i actually make to the future with these petty sums of money. not like I can invest into something and let it grow, provided Im not dumb enough to screw it up, or what great business could I come up with. I mean look at you, in the end, you are no better..... one of you is still under some boss, unwilling to change a trade, to change a marketing strategy, to expand product line, and another is still a housewife, what happened to all the great food u can make, the great yogurt you make? Not like I have not given you ideas to make it big, you refuses, then, given my limited time, what can I do at this moment? 

Anyway whatever the case, money still wins, will be rather frugal for the next half a month, for I had not much left.

Work has been okay for me nowadays.

Rather, it was all the events and catch ups that are making me physically tired.

Well anyway, went to watch Grandma Mary at the Esplanade on Nov 7.

She was really awesome. She was able to solo Carlos Santana on a Electric Guitar!

Then she got up to sing, and even dance! Wow look at her spinning and twirling and twisting and swirling....

My hero!

Admired her so much, able to learn what she like, and really succeed in it.

Most importantly, the band that was playing with her, I loved that Guy's vocal soooo much! So rich! and good control! wow!

Sigh, though I know we should all be contented in our lives, appreciate what we were given, but I dont.Frankly i hate my looks my voice my everything. I mean dont have to be like number 1, no need be prince charming, no need be superstar, at least a decent look, that contains a nice natural smile, a friendly face, a nice voice, and an in-tuned voice.

Sigh....... everytime listen to ppl sing, so envious........ but i cant just dont listen, cuz I really cant likve without music...... sigh...... what a curse...

Made up my mind! Maybe I should hold my passion on musical instruments first and work on my vocal. For some class that able to change my voice. Hmm..... shall start saving money for that.........

在你辉煌的时刻 让我为你唱首歌
我的好兄弟 心里有苦你对我说
前方大路一起走 哪怕是河也一起过
苦点累点 又能算什么

When you are doing well, let me rejoice with you,
My friend, lay your troubles on me,
We shall walk through the future together
What is toil when we got each other?

 在你需要我的时候 我来陪你一起度过
我的好兄弟 心里有苦你对我说
人生难得起起落落 还是要坚强的生活
哭过笑过 至少你还有我

When you need me, I will be there,
My firned, lay your troubles on me,
Life is ups and downs, yet we still gotta brace through life
Through tears of happiness tears of sorrows, I am still here

朋友的情谊呀比天还高 比地还辽阔
那些岁月我们一定会记得
朋友的情谊呀我们今生 最大的难得
像一杯酒 像一首老歌

A friendship is forged, higher than the sky, wider than the earth
May the memories we shared last forever
A friendship is forged, precious than anything else
Worth more than an old wine, more than an old song

Read via LonelyReload,
Some articles that says that perhaps breaking up with a good friend is more hurtful than breaking up with a relationship. I guess I have to agree. I personally lost a few friends, through losing contact, drifting, death, and migration. The thing is, I guess, drifting is the worst. I mean, there is no reason for drifting, nothing to blame, and that friendship just fades away slowly. Sigh.......