It gets really tiring.

Nothing in my life is actually going very smooth.

Is something really wrong with me?

So I failed my BTT, like such basic test, failed by that 1 mark.

Then I guess I failed the Guide Course too, Im just not up to that kind of in depth knowledge and expertise in anything at all.

And I guess I failed my company.

Whatever falls in my hands I screwed it up.

Handling emails, conversion 10-20% whereas my boss achieved 70-90%. Might as well don’t hire me right?

Handling guides and schedules, missed out a couple here and there, and guides gets misunderstanding, simple matter also screwed up.

So someone flared out to say that I have been pressuring, to ask for feedbacks, and also saying that i send guides over to check on him. Firstly, I've said it to all the guides already that occasionally I might send people over, to attract more guides to join us, and for everyone to learn from one another. He is one of the few I had NEVER even send people to spy, it's just new guides to join his tour completely to understand the tour model. I did nothing to spy, which I actually did for other guides, but not him! And he mentioned about filling up slots etc, what the heck nothing is confirmed, and I ensured fair chances for all. Cannot la no matter how much he says he bury the hatchet, but still this kind of suspicious character, I cannot tahan, Im fucking transparent! cant people do the same?! Then he made it sounds like the feedback is I pressure, but seriously the company give u a platform to earn, and company gains nothing but these valuable feedbacks to find out where we should focus our marketing, very hard meh!

I was so close to making walking tours big, making concurrent tours, now everything just screwed up, I have shown ZERO success in any shit! ALL my collaborations etc all in the end ended in failure.  

Joined the company in hope to come out with interesting off the beaten track tours and food tours. Working okay in the beginning then now scrapping everything already. Even the After Dark gonna become something super out of the world, not the current “Development of SG” theme. Then why do I even go through all the knowledge of the guide course.

I wanna promote sg, I wanna guide, but this seems to be more like event organised now, event host.

I guess im not that capable as I thought I am.

Then at home, every month end need to explain data usage, need to explain expenses. Yes I know im over spending. But then again, it’s a kind of lifestyle I want to live. I need my travels every month I need my theatre and shows and events. Then extra expenses here and there for drinks if not it would be weird to not drink on my tours which involves drinking. And smokes of course. And occasionally here and there to cover for my generosity.

I didnt.really have this problem back then though. Had much more time, had more spending power. And I seem to excel better at F&B. At least in F&B physcially tired, not mentally, and I think Ive achieved that kind of level to handle anything more emotionally detached.

Why did I chose this?

Am I on the right track?

Am I being a quitter, am I not persevering enough? 

But why struggle to get what might not be my destiny?

Sigh.......... Why am I not born in a silver spoon?

Why is my luck not picking up?

Why am I so tired………. Moodless………