*2022 TAROT FORECAST*

*General Reading*

Card : 8 of Swords 

Explain : A lot of voices, expectations and pressure that may trap your capabilit

Expand : 8 Swords, 7 Swords, Devil 

Explain : Do not give power to the Evil Thoughts of Overthinking but ground yourself with tangibles and manage expectations. Remember to Rest more and ignore the toxidity of baseless attacks. 

*Obstacles* 

Card : The Moon 

Explain : It would be a difficult year of uncomfortable conversations with others and yourself. There would be multiple occasions of Ideal vs Reality, and forces you to face your fears while fending off against Deceitful People, that it's harder for you to seek the truth. 

Expand : Queen of Swords, Emperor, Page of Swords 

Explain : You have the ability to communicate but often blocked by unnecesary voices, by internal and external. Seek help from people that matters to you, open yourself to get the support you need

Expand on Emperor : 

Confirmed this card refers to you not others. Authority is on you. Your inability to communicate will lead to your lifepath blocked so you have the power to set boundaries and expectations. 

*Improvements Needed* 

Cards : Empress 

Explain : Know your self worth and recognise your abundance

Card : 5 of Pentacles

Explain : Work on proper closures when there are abandon situations 

Card : 8 of Cups 

Explain : There would be situations of walking away 

----------------------------------

*January*

Card : 5 of Wands

Explain : Conflict at work, no proper guidance, clash of ideas, mindset differences, everyone at work become individualistic, selfish interests will surface. You must achieve harmony in order to flow through or else terrible outcome follows the year.

Expand : 8 of Wands, Temperance, 6 of Pentacles 

Explain : Situations will test your patience, will establish your boundaries, will question yourself, but do not allow ill-feeings to impede actual works, work on clarity on your part and do not impose your ideas to others in January

Oracle : Truth - Be true to yourself

*February* 

Card : 3 of Wands

Explain : Waiting for something that you deserve but unknown to you yet, must surrender to the flow, the ship will appear, observe signs of progress

Expand : 2 of Cups, 10 of Swords, Death 

Explain : 3 possible scenarios 

1) Change of Dynamics with Boss 

2) Love Life or Attitute towards Love will Change

3) Declutterign of Physical Spaces 

Oracle : Flow - Recognise the Flow, Dont Resist, Do not Self-Critical

*March*

Card : Ace of Pentacles 

Explain : Additional Abundance 

Expand : Knights of Sword, 7 & 4 Pentacles

Explain : Financial Control, Growth Mindset, Don't be stingy on yourself, do not spend on others for the month or you will lose the energy. 

Oracle : Opportunity - Goodness of life will shower you a little only if you recognise it

*April* 

Card : Chariot 

Explain : Busy at work, but distractions esp emotional, observe change of emotion but do not lose sight of your duties. 

Expand : Magician, Lover, 7 of Cups 

Explain : Attraction is strong to reach your goals but distractions come twice as strong too to block your happiness

Oracle : Transformation - Do not resist change in your routine

*May*

Card : 9 of Pentacles 

Explain : Abundance from a Earth Sign woman (taurus, virgo, capricorn) to latch on. This person has a motherly figure, has connections with your past life an will impart wisdom for your career progression and financial management

Oracle : Relax - All is well, do not push too hard

*June* 

Card : Magician 

Explain : Best month to manifest your wants, to pursue additional interest, discover hidden gifts, people will listen to you this month. 

Expand : 10 of Pentacles, 7 of Swords, 5 of Pentacles 

Explain : There will be challenge at work regarding money and upkeep, but you can solve the problem only if you are not invoved in it. 

Oracle : Diligence - Take risk and you will receive its harvest in a years time 

*July*

Card : Hangman 

Explain : Stuck, in Limbo, worries of Past, delay in all goals. Try to mitigate by being more grounded, more barefoot to earth.

Expand : Knight of Swords, Star, Hangman

Explain : Mental health will suffer, there are delays, self love at minimal, work matter intensifies

Oracle : Potential - Volcano at rest, erupt anytime 

*August* 

Card : 2 of Wands 

Explain : Caught in life decisions on changes in career and income of future. If change is taken, positive impact follows. But choices are plenty, wrong paths are plenty. 

Expand : King of Wand, Empress, 2 of Sword

Explain : You realise you have contributed more than what you deserved, have the courage to ask for more, and do not settle for lower grounds if offered, but this decision if made right will have tremendous positive effect for years to come. 

Oracle : Leadership - Consider Teacher, Guardian, Healer roles 

*September*

Card : Knight of Cups 

Explain : Use this month to focus on your true happiness. Expect people swarming to you, and you are ready to give your love, concern, care. Dont be burdened by other people's problems, ground yourself after every problem. A lot of things are competing for your attention and some will use toxidity as a means to get you, beware of such people and walk away from it. 

Expand : 6 Wards - Recognition, 6 Sword - Peace, 8 Cups - End. 

Explain : Walking away to bring peace and new beginning to get the recognition you deserve.   

Oracle : Illuminate - your guardian angels is assiting you on a upward journey of illumination.

*October*

Card : Emperor 

Explain : Demand from authority, gain back control, manage situation before it goes downhill, you have to put things in place, but do not be too overbearing 

Expand : 5 Cups - Walkiaway, Page of Wands - Progress, 8 Pentacles - Business

Explain : Walk away in order to venture your own desires in terms of business, but be careful not to be bossy 

Oracle : Purity - open your heart, whatever happened in the past can be start afresh, remember to forgive.

*November* 

Card : Page of Sword

Explain : Breakthrough will happen, something new is coming, new project or ideas or career, a lot of evergy both positive and negative, a month you cannot sit still, go out of the house often if not you will be hot tempered. 

Expand : 4 swords - take a break, 10 wands - other people burdens on you, King of Swords - Implementation of Ideas 

Oracle : Flexibility - 

*December* 

Card : Wheel of Fortune

Explain : Change of event drastically, on my favour, project comes to fruitation and completion. You are protected, safe, and blessed with divine timing  

Expand : Moon - exploration of self, 4 Wands - finding Freedom, Queen Pentacles - about Money)

Explain : You will feel freedom of burden for the month

Oracle : Pleasure - take life slowly and be present

 Lord, I'm doing all I can........ To be a better man

Devastating news today. Well, on a lighter note of things, today was the second day since reopening from heightened alert, means dining in. Tours are resuming so im really glad. I dined out for the past 2 days, in multiple places, multiple meals. 

Was on the topic of communication. As shown in TV dramas, and case studies from people around me, communication is really important. The olden day philosophy is that keeping quiet, managing own emotions, outweighs direct confrontation, silence is golden, time will heal. But I highly disagree. I think most problems arise because intentions are mistaken, and hurt are not spoken. 

I had never realized, that I am a horrible person. See throughout my whole life, I'm always trying to please everybody, always going my extra mile to be there for everybody, for me to be shot down to say "what's the point to please everybody?". 

So apparently, truth was revealed that the reason why I couldnt connect to certain people, is that I had a slip of tongue to label and demean the person, to belittle their worth And a few times I had overlooked on the welfare of the person. Heartbreaking. I mean seriously, through my actions and all, never try to bother people if I can do it myself, and the nice gestures and all, was it too much? did I come out too fake? what did I really go wrong? 

So the strain came in. I remembered I did mention, that he do not need to be as hardworking as me, not obliged to have the no-day-no-night life like me. He claimed that it was his decision, he wanna do well, he wanna perform. We never had a pressure on working in terms of hours, but we didnt realize that the enquiries and diverting of calls are taking too much of a toll, it became a 24/7 jobscope. To me, there is a certain way to handle customers, in terms of addressing enquiry in the most short and efficient way. But he didnt adopt it. Okay nevermind. Then we can always come up with a system for off days, since we never really cared on such things, we thought that he knew the non stop call culture, and that paper is just paper, but we were wrong, they regard it highly.   

And why was these not communicated. 

Sigh. 

And so I thought I am getting closer to the perfect culture. But dayum it was all wrong right in the beginning. The fear or confrontation. The fear of working out a system. The lack of confidence that the problem can be solved, and even gave me a smurk. Am I not capable enough? Dilemma. As a friend or as a manager? Role confusion. 

Sigh. 

I guess Im not good enough to hold a team. Not good enough to lead a culture. Not good enough to create the utopia I have always envision. And for what? Why the persistence? Why clinging on? Why shortchanging myself? 

Sigh. 

Pandemic....... Prolly the only good coming out of it in personal development, is retrospection of events and evaluation of definition, that all leads to question. What is me? What is life? What purpose?

Vanity of Vanities. All is Vanity. 

Fuck humans, fuck life, why complicate simple things. 

Can a fatal accident be staged so one wont have to carry the physical burden or emotional guilt of suicide? Then would that still be considered suicide when the plan involves a willing party? Would that then be a murder instead? How to not get other involved? 

Just random thoughts, I am alright. Late night randomness. 

Or maybe just tired...........

 And so I spent the entire day planning for my 5 years academic pursuits. Dayum it's gonna be tough, and expensive, but guess that's the price for knowledge. Despite the changing modes of education and all, at the end of the day, recognition is still an integral part of institutions. These decisions came when I realize my ACLP and D3LP cannot get me into Mini Masters to MAPE, so I have to still pursue the conventional way of getting a BA. All these also on consideration that I have juggle work and academics, I need a balanced time for both, so having part time courses means I'm only busy at night 6pm - 11pm, which leaves the office hours for work to carry on as per normal, so I can fund my studies.

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Grand Plan : Gradual Progression to my goal with part time classes basis

Aug 2021 - Aug 2022 : D3LP to being Curriculum Developer

IAL | Institute of Adult Learning

D3LP | Diploma in Design and Development of Learning and Performance 
- Every Mon, Thu, 7pm - 10pm class
- Every Sat, 9am - 1pm class

Jul 2021 - Dec 2021 : Concurrent with D3LP 

Modular CET Continuing Education and Training Courses

So these can lead up to my BA once application gets through
- Singapore Society (1 weekday night)
- Southeast Asian Culture (1 weekday night)

Jan 2022 - Jul 2025 : Focus on getting BA

SUSS | Singapore University of Social Sciences

Bachelor in Arts (General Studies)
Minor in Psychology, Sociology and Organizational Management 
- Planned for 3/4/5 Modules each Sem depending on workload
- Means 3/4/5 Weekday Night classes especially after D3LP ended

Sep 2025 - Sep 2027 : Getting my goal to get a Masters in Education field

NTU NIE | Nanyang Technological University x National Institute of Education 

MAPE | Master of Arts in Professional Education (Training and Development)
- Modular Mini Masters to Full Masters Degree
- 2 Weekday + 1 Weekend Classes (full day classes)

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Explanation :

Why MAPE Training and Development? 

I felt that through I can use my current platform LGT to open up a school not just for Tourism but a Training Institute for a range of courses from WSQ, Corporate Training, Leadership Centre, etc etc. With the connections from each schools I think it's relevant that in the future more corporate requires transferable skills which I could provide, with the flexibility of having Tourism Element so it's a Training cum Events cum Leisure cum Tourism company. I  can reach into all the uncharted waters from POV of Tourism into the full Adult Learning and Education segmentation. This can be scaled up to provide a global hub for ASEAN and even US/UK corporate to have a meaningful retreat, like a 1-stop-center. And if all else fails, the knowledge and skillsets is transferable everywhere. I dont have to depend purely on tourism sector. Training is gonna be more future-proof.

Why BA General Studies? 

Lesser non essential core modules like academic writing public speaking these kind of basic modules, and freedom of content of courses I like to learn instead of studying for the sake of the qualification. And modular based so flexible in scheduling since maximum term of studies is 5 years. Classes are part time so weekdays evening, wont affect work. 

 

Why Sociology? 

More relevant to Tourist Guiding because knowledge on macro picture of how the society works especially in Singapore, and how factors surrounding affects overall national strategy or direction.

Why Psychology? 

The modules I have chosen is linked to Education or Leadership or Organization, and since have previous background in psychology, I think not too hard for me to pursue.

Why Organizational Management?

My end goal is MAPE so this minor is more relevant to the end result. LGT can then not only provide Educational Tours on a Pri/Sec school level, but a Holistic Higher Learning Packages for Domestic B2B or B2G jobs. Our PDC can expand beyond tourism knowledge but also Industry 4.0, Communications, Management and Leadership disciplines. 

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Planned Modules :

BACHELORS OF ARTS GENERAL STUDIES

CORE GENERAL STUDIES - 10cu - 3 Modules

SCO101 | Why Do Good? | 2.5cu 

SCO103 | New Empires | 2.5cu 

SCO201 | Space, Place, People and the City

MINOR SOCIOLOGY - 40cu - 7 Modules

SOC207 | Social Stratification | 5cu |

SOC265 | Urban Sociology | 5cu 

SOC355 | Sociology of Law and Order 

SOC365 | Popular Culture | 5cu 

SOC205 | Singapore Society | 5cu 

SOC263 | Sociology of Education | 5cu 

SOC367 | Southeast Asian Societies | 5cu 

MINOR PSYCHOLOGY - 40cu - 8 Modules

PSY371 | Performance Psychology | 5cu 

PSY201 | Organizational Psychology | 5cu 

PSY107 | Introduction to Psychology 1 | 5cu

PSY108 | Introduction to Psychology 2 | 5cu 

PSY256 | Educational Psychology | 5cu 

PSY352 | Cultural Psychology | 5cu 

PSY354 | Counselling Psychology in Singapore | 5cu 

PSY207 | Developmental Psychology | 5cu

MINOR ORGANISATION MANAGEMENT - 40cu - 8 Modules

COM368 | Strategic Communication | 5cu 

POL103 | Government and Politics of Singapore | 5cu

BUS366 | Lean Six Sigma | 5cu 

BUS354 | Customer Relationship Management | 5cu 

HRM333 | Performance Management | 5cu 

HRM263 | Team Dynamics | 5cu 

BUS104 | Organizational Behavior in the Technology Era | 5cu

BUS102 | Management in the Digital Age | 5cu 

OTHERS - 1 Module

FLM101 | Introduction to Film Studies | 5cu 

2021 was really a Life-Changing year. 

Amongst my friends, the 1st breakup was on first week of Jan. Back then I felt bad, I felt at fault, as Im the kind who would want everyone around me to be good with one another, and to make their life smooth, so I always think I could have done something to prevent that. Then 2 more breakups same month, then 3 more next month. I felt I wasn't doing enough as a friend. When all things came to an halt, then is the dynamics between the plus ones of the clique, they had tensions one another. I guess between myself then different parties, I was not being honest too. I tried to appease both sides to offer perspectives, just so that both parties could reconcile. I loved to plan outings as a clique, but the amount of post-bickering are too much, I constantly felt that whatever events I planned was always a failure. 

As I have started to be involved in another clique, I am challenged by the definition of friendship. Not to sound too transaction, but in reality, what do I have to gain? Must I always make the effort to keep everyone at the good books of one another? And how many of them would actually check on me on a regular interval to see if my sanity is in check? As much as it breaks me that friends do distant, I think there took a toll on me too. Though the duration of friendship is long, sometimes, I guess I should be thinking that I deserve better. A selfish endeavor for friendships that count. I probably would not change my guiding principle, that the most important person is the one who come find me for help, but with time being precious, it's really the quality of mutual help, mutual understand, and mutual effort that is one the plate. A true friend would not think you are humble bragging, but to genuinely empathize the state of mind and crossroads dilemmas. 

Today in the papers was an article on expert dissecting definition of friendship:

The best friend: The person to count on when important events occur in life 

The proximal friend: The person you feel comfortable with but who may not be in your innermost circle. You are probably not going to get any closer unless something changes 

The distal friend: The person you have known for a long time but may have been away from. You are unlikely to get any closer unless circumstances change. 

Some people, while searching for the one to depend on, will cling on me, and I'll be there too, since he has fear of abandonment too, knowing that one day I might be replaced too. But seeing them moving on makes me happy too. It's like raising a kid and one day seeing him thrive in his own social circle and all, makes you feel so so so damn good. Ive lived a large part of my life at the "kaya is the happy time guy, find him for interesting things to do", so generally people assume Im well on my own, I can always find something somewhat someplace. Then to some, ive also been the "kaya is a listening ear, will always be there even 3am kind", tiring to live u to this expectation, but I really dont mind, even though they probably thought my emotional threshold higher than them so awkward to be the one listening to me. Except a few I am honest to, to say I'm not as strong as most people think. 

Then is SAS week, little hiccups here and there, but I was so damn depressed, I felt I caused the freelancers to be unhappy and left, I felt I could have managed that better if have more time. Being in a company as a new comer, I hate it when I could not bind them together. But fats forward 4 months, I am really really glad I have assembled a team of dedicated and passionate colleagues. Had a zoom meeting last Monday with 12 participants, I wrote :

18 May 2021 : Recalibration. "To Rest is not to Idle, but Working Differently". Very very happy to have been in this half year journey with this group of people. Compared to last year, we are all much more prepared in this WFH month. Very heartwarming to hear the active contribution, constructive feedback, and the continuous support of each and every one of you. We would never have gone so far without any of you, thank you for your trust in us. As much as we are frantically enhancing ourselves with Knowledge or Skills and constantly seeking improvements from Systems and Delivery, we ought to look back to let it sink in how far we have come too, and pat yourselves at the back. I hope the session allowed a better macro view of situations and we shall walk hand in hand into the horizons of better tomorrow!

So this saga are redefining "responsibility" and "leadership". How to solve matter and get people to take up the ownership of problems. The true empowerment with inspiring intrinsic motivation and to smoothen the jagged edges of one another, without jobscope boundaries and to bloom the unique skillsets of every person. 

Then, it was the movie "Hey Mom", as explained in older post, redefining "family". What is exactly my expectations as a son, how to express filial piety through actual needs rather than societal norm, what exactly is happiness through living vicariously or rather, to see the other party enjoy the path we have chosen. The amount of sacrifices and duty involved in kinship. 

So Singapore moved into a mini lockdown again with reduced pax to 2 and the ban of dining in. This time, with my new responsibilities, I have much more tasks to fill my time, albeit the inertia for I do have a lingering feeling of "what's the point" amidst the uncertainty. I think Singapore had done really well in comparison with many other countries, but the global situation is nowhere to the end of tunnel.

How did this affect my personal life then. Honestly, my lower expenditure is a plus point. However, many things is back to square one again. All the boardgaming sessions with the new clique will be on halt. My existing clique had their plus ones to keep them accompany so pretty much I have all the freedom to do whatever I want now. I can impromptu night cycle, or sleep, or watch shows. The streak with Z ended, a week without much talking seems so weird. But then again, it would be weird also to initiate to meet and all, and I wouldnt want to initiate, dont want to be the clingy one, but do hope that this dont make the impression of "drifting" too. Couples on picnic everywhere didnt help to remind the fact that im 27 years single. I wont deny as much as I am rather asexual, but I do yearn for a hug, an embrace, or something at all, that grasp me back to sanity too. I am still a little afraid to be spiraling down into last year's thoughts. 

Some interesting thoughts :

Would you rather be a Reacher or Settler. Settler would probably mean the other person love you more, Reacher would mean you love the person more. As selfish as I can, I rather a Settler, but reality is, it's probably someone else settle for me. For I neither have wealth nor looks nor skills.

Is there Absolute Morality? I guess good and bad is determined by the societal most accepted answers. To me, I guess doing something that helps another to live through the lives on this earth a little easier means good, in accordance to whatever legal bodies acting on it.  

No Man's an Island. Really? I was asked that in perspective of an introvert, amidst all the new friends, fun memories, and happenings that we brought to a friend, what makes us think that the friend is better off this way than to be seclusive and escape into a world that makes sense to the person? Maybe by doing so they are more at ease with their personality and skills that they make a breakthrough or found an avenue to express their true self that may be of greater good, than to be stuck with me and go down the norm of social interactions, activities, and networking. Hmmmm, this seems true. Well, having said that, I will occasionally drop a text to check in, but perhaps its not really that necessary for me to try to impose my set of social ideals onto them, but I will always be available for a listening ear. 

On Suicide. Many things pushes people to suicide, and many things prevent them from doing so. On one hand, it could require a huge courage to jump off, for the victim probably thinks being alive burdens everyone else, and thus decide to take that leap of desperation to the unknown. On another hand, I felt at that stage, it take a rather great deal of courage to not take that leap, for we owe our lives to the expectation and kindness of others, that by taking that leap, I am being selfish to the people around me to place emotional turmoil onto them, also to place financial or legal burden onto them. I think it takes a greater deal of courage to brace your teeth to be alive, for it seems easier to me to take that leap when one day, none of the people around me matters anymore, no family, no friends no love. 

What is "Me"? As life unfolds, I guess I have a high standard of Ideal Self, which is incongruence to my actually Self Image. I have nothing interesting to be a "happening" person, nothing useful to society, nothing appealing to the general public, and thus, probably a low Self Esteem. My high need of Novelty, Relevance and Belonging may have led me stray from Personal Identity to suit a certain type of Social Identity, though I do miss the days of recognition and social events. In my Social Construct, perhaps my family and friends shaped my pessimist view on Love; my adventures shaped my Perfectionist and High Expectation in professional life; my academic achievements shaped my thirst for knowledge and desire for quality conversations; my ascribed status shaped my preference and interests. I guess I do have a little Hedonist nature to disregard comparison and a skewed worldview of vanity that disregards material pursuits but would then shaped my misanthropy. 

 May 15

On friends. Today marks the 124th consecutive day of meeting with a friend, Z. And it's probably the longest streak ever, but I guess this is the date where the streak ends. Again, have to mention how very very grateful I am in this friendship, the amount of effort it took for this to even happen. We are 2 very different people. Our views, our interest, our definitions, our upbringing, and even our personality, I would say, are opposites. Ive learnt alot through this streak, reframing a lot of things, and also doing things differently. Definitely a great listening ear and opened up my world a little more to things Ive never took interest in but now I know them, such as world of sports, street wear, and minds of teenager, or just fundamental difference between the generational gaps.

Though I must say, he introduced me to another friends of his, K, that seems to connect to me better. This person is a low maintenance friendship. We talked about feelings and viewpoints without much assertive of stands, we enjoy food and cafe and pretty much the small moments of being "present". We can be scheduled or be spontaneous, from compartmentalizing specific days to work on something in life to just go with the spur of moment on the day. He is probably on the other spectrum to Z, in terms of how he thought through every step, every decision, and every response to things, 2 or 3 steps ahead. Which I thought the reason was rather peculiar but definitely valid. Sometimes, being truthful helps if you value the friendship, and rather honest than to bottle up, even if it's just a minor irks that you can live by it but just to point it out to a friend is better than to just accommodate; but doesnt mean its hierarchical, means that if he knew the reaction or viewpoint, that some things are not necessary to say since it will not help the situation, so its task-oriented. Very tiring way of life in my point but oh well, its a perspective Ive never came across. 

But I sense a little tension between them. Z finds that K became distant, and evaluating everything so much to the point it feels like he is judging what could suit his ideal life he is aspiring for, and K finds Z being less honest on his feelings, to the point he find that its hard to move on from a topic they clearly stand on different side of fence. I did try to get both of them see the intentions on both sides but then he mentioned about don't need to always please everyone and get to side of everyone. Hmm..... but the way I see it, both are harmless, or rather, have valid viewpoints, they could resolve the difference easily? But oh well, beyond me to do that, either way they know each other longer, and both values each other a lot a lot. So yea, not gonna mediate this. 

On work. News about the new tightening measure on safe distancing came yesterday, like the sound of roaring thunder piercing through the grey skies, wriggling through the thick droplets of rain. The news on reduction from 8 to 5 have me rather unsettled as many plans have to be put on hold, and  now the further reduction to 2 is practically another form of lockdown. Tour bookings have froze ever since, and now, cancellations and postponement plagued the mailbox. 

On financial. About a month ago, a friend asked for a huge sum, $4k, to help on something that doesnt even concern him. basically, he is in a lion dance troupe that causes his life so complicated now. Due to the nature of industry, they have not much chance to get bookings, so the leaders are all in financial difficulties, and their sponsors are pulling out, causing the debt due to warehouse rental and operating debts, and the leader that controls cash flow had his account frozen for investigation. The rest are young and the leaders do not want other members to know as dont want to blow up the matter. To make matters worst, one of the member was caught by traffic police on unauthorized driving without license as she allowed her friend to drive her rented car, which cause a $5k penalty according to a clause which he couldnt get his hands on, but they agreed to resolve privately for $1.8k initially, then raised to $2.1k within the week. The problem of urgency made me suspect the clause. The troupe leaders agreed to help and decided to resolve privately as the "victim" is under huge stress in relationship and in work, with tendency of depression and sleeping pills. 

All these led me to be under a $8k loan from boss and another friend. It never occurred to me though, that no IOU was signed between me and him, neither him and his troupe, and no receipts no clause was shown to me. I hate to have to come down to the last resort of doubting my friend, but what if I am being cheated? As much as I warned him of being cheated, I had never doubted him. But I chose to believe him for now until the issue resolved, on the hard limit that I am not helping him financially anymore until full repayment. Having a $4k loan from another friend, our decade long friendship is being affected as every conversation now starts with asking about the status of this sum. Bothers me a lot but valid, and I fully understand. I then went to the lendee to explain that no matter what situation it is between the troupe, but the loan was extended to him as a friend, he should be thinking about ways of repaying regardless of if the troupe could repay him. Similar case for me, to settle the loan on my end, I took on part time waitering. Probably the easiest F&B Ive done in my life, where system flow is well thought of, and responsibilities are streamlined and straightforward without much training involved. Boss knew about it and was unhappy, and step me up to more responsibilities to fill my time, ofcoz with a fair wage increase. But honestly, I can do HR management, but managing people is not me, it dont come naturally unlike others, whether or not i can excel is one thing, but whether I am fully comfortable doing so is another. But oh well, a job is a job, and being in a rather close-knitted team, I dont see why not. 

Oh well, last day of dining in and going out, I have 6 more hours before my part time work, to just chill, and people watch, and then the following one month to recalibrate the team, and to recalibrate my life too. Compared to the first lockdown, I must say I am very much more prepared, with clear direction, and task to do. No courses, no beer. No unhealthy thoughts. Okie, till next time, ciao. 

 <SPOILER : Hi, Mom>

So I watched "Hi, Mom" starring Jia Ling as the main protagonist as well as the director. It probably wasnt easy to assume multiple production roles in this. Wasn't a movie I thought I would watch but it was a group outing with the entire clique. In the end, I guess I walked out of the theatre will swollen eyes. Trying not to make too much sound, the last moments of the movie was rather an agony to "squall" silently. 

In the movie, Jia Ling played as someone who is rather despised by society, and therefore always an embarrassment in the world of social status amongst her mum's friends. Guilty about her failings as a daughter, and hoping to give her mother a better life, Jia vows to do all she can to make her mother happy. After an accident, and witnessing her mum on the hospital bed, her wish to make her mother proud came through as she was transported to the good old days - to the younger days of her mum. Throughout the "history", she tried many times to make sure she got the best for her mum, tying to get her to win volleyball tournament, trying to get her to be the person that brings the first television set to the village, and trying to get her mum to go for a more promising man so that "she wouldnt be born". 

The twist came upon the realization that her "dying mum" was transported back with her, and all the while, she was very proud in Jia Ling's achievements and efforts, leading the village and taking charge. In the end, after months of effort from Jia Ling to get her mum to be closed to the promising man, she chose her original husband, which means she meant that she was never disappointed to have Jia Ling as her daughter and wouldnt want to change history with that. She also subtly tells Jia Ling that their world view differs, that all she wants is for her daughter to be happy, not "rich" as self imposed by Jia Ling herself. 

The cinematography was quite well done, albeit the old school editing. The camera pans that transits scene to scene, the pace of story progression, the techniques of anticipated expectation vs contrasting reality, the comedic moments that though slapstick, it does not "cheapen" the characters, and the historical references. Jia Ling herself, was very genuine in her joy, it radiates through the scenes and transcends to her fellow casts and perhaps audience too (at least myself). Her selflessness was shown in the way that she rather her mother to be happy instead of her being born, or her persistence to make sure the volleyball match happens. Then her eventual realization of the different state of mind between her and her mother. Lastly, her sorrows for not giving her best for her mother, her despair of slowly losing her mother, her anguish of not knowing her "present" mother was with her all these while, her gratitude towards her mother, all felt so so so real. 

<Reflection>

Thus the waterfall at my end. 

You see my mum, is a typical asian mom. From young, never fails to compare, never fails to be a nosey person trying to be involved in every part of my life. She is a typical "auntie" trying to live vicariously through me. Being not a very exposed woman, there is just so much ideals in her world view. Not a very macro picture, nor not someone who knows market situation, she is an extremely bias mother who is blinded by her yearns of her son's worth. She is constantly at odds with the entire world just because she thinks her son deserves all the riches and wealth of the world. At least, that is how she express her "love". Being born in the Industry 2.0 era, to her, good grades good career means happiness. I guess, deep inside, she is probably happy that I am happy, but she dont know that. To her, not sleeping early, being a workaholic, and all the social activities, are not her definition of happiness. 

But myself, I am genuinely happy in every decision and every situation in my life. I am happy at where I am, despite the many "lacks" I have. But the greatest self-imposed pressure is that I felt that I am incapable to providing them a better life, I am not able to shoot to riches to provide them with the best livelihood. Despite the little fame I have, I do feel inferior not being able to fetch that pot of gold home for her. She is frugal, she does not demand. But occasionally, her slip of tongue suggests that she does enjoy the luxury of life too, which I fails to give. I always think I am not good enough as a son for her. Or rather, I think I am always never enough for anyone around me. Kinship, Friendship, Leadership, I am inadequate. And I am forever in debt to every single one of you in my life that sacrifices to be with me, to make the conscious choice of trusting me, to grow with me, to 

<Post Notes>

This year especially, I guess on the surface, I am glad things are going rather smoothly, and I am getting happier, but this happiness always carry a sense of guilt of selfishness, that though I am happy, does people around me feel happy? Does people around me feels burdened? Are people around me having enough? 

As someone posted, "Thank you for those around me, I am comforted by the patience extended to me, and not being rushed, if I fail to be the person you want me to be, yet." okay lah not exact words cuz I dont remember, perhaps added with my own variations too, but bottomline, I am probably not the easiest person to deal with, but I am thankful for all your presence, every single one of you.  

Mixed feeling about everything recently. 

On one hand, very happy to be able to organize big clique outings, playing board games, eating childhood martabak, playing kampong games, and then night cycling under heavy rain that drench us at an almost 90 degrees angle. 

It's usually outings like this that makes me so heartwarming and happy that the clique is expanding and gelling together. But in the end kindda realize it's the same few of them putting effort to be the mediator of every tensed situation. 

From a pop kids cliques full of high EQ, he knows very well about social interaction and human behavior. I on the other hand, in a very crude manner, is a "collector". Many in my clique have very strong character and tensions with one another. Jealousy over Friends, Inclusion and Exclusion of status as "Clique" or "Plus Ones", and Tactfulness, are in constant balancing act. 

Then again, as pointed out, most of my social groups are not organic, most of them do not have similar interest or belonging that spark connections or bonds, which really makes me think back hard. I guess I have always think that my purpose is to connect people together and form social support groups for one another. At the end, all the efforts are in vain if the creatures do not thirst. Very glad though that he stepped into my life, my clique, and are very good advisor to manage situations and all. But dayum I am tired. 

曾经以为人生就这样了     |     Used to think cest la via, so such is life,
平静的心拒绝再有浪潮     |     That my peaceful heart can't take more strife.
人与人交情如豪猪寻温     |     Social Interactions is full of give and take, "hi" and "bye",
也相似刮风雨里放风筝     |     Like hedgehogs in the winter caves; kites in the stormy sky.
聚散终有时黎明黄昏轮     |     Dawn gives life everyday, but all feasts will end, soon it's nightfall,
日久未必深情水未流长     |     No longer just about interest, nor just frequency; it's humans overall.
短暂人生匆匆走了几回     |     In this short life I've walked, through winter spring summer fall,
算是用尽一生的情与力     |     I've lived of no regrets, I hope I have gave everything my all.
真的累了快要不在乎了     |     It's draining, it's exhausting, albeit heartwarming at the end of it all,
身不由己但愿人长久吧     |     I am not on my own, look forward to the future with yall.

Truth is, Im tired. I guess this blog has seen many posts of similar nature. I am constantly organizing events, connecting people, but all feast comes to an end, granted that these recent years I have been doing this lesser and lesser, but usually not very reciprocal. I don't know why I should bother in the first place?

I've always dreamt of one day, a group that can expand together, grow old together, with all the plus ones close to one another, a very healthy social support network, where one day when we walk into a restaurant or anywhere there would be a table of us boys, and then a table of the wives, and then a table of the kids. I guess I'm naïve. 

To be very honest, this few days been hanging out with his clique, and it was so different. The EQ level and Social Deduction are at adept levels. Makes outings easier, more fun, and purposeful. People know how to behave, how to be human, how to respond, how to reciprocate, how to read situations. Envious. On the other spectrum, there was so much factors of inferiority in mine that basically each of them are so different and stubborn and are lone rangers that really may not value the friendship I've tried so hard to forge. All of them comes with harmless intentions, but why is it just so hard to get them to understand one another, see things in one another perspective, and accommodate to each and every personality and limitations? Then I've concluded the fact that I am actually a boring person. I've placed all these extra problems on my own life. 

Then I look back. What is Life? Have I lived? Have I enjoyed my youth? Am I missing out in Life? Have I made a mark? Have I made a difference? Am I pressurizing? Am I being an extra? I no longer knows myself. 

Sigh........................... #Misanthrope

March 12. 

Today marks the 60th day with a great friend, somehow, we had a consecutive 60 days of meeting. Partly because we considered those pass midnight days, partly because he is a work colleague too. It's crazy kind of think of it. Interestingly, yesterday he mentioned about fear of being abandoned, which is why he clung on friendship so much, which is why he would forgive anything to keep friendship going. Hearing that, I am super super honored to be one of that friend he chose to have. But then again, on a hindsight, I am just wondering how different would things be if not for the entire saga. 

Last few posts mentioned about how I clung on a friendship before that was one sided, that my good intention became "creepy". That kind of set my mind that all feast comes to an end, and that my sole purpose is an avenue of help to whoever needs it at the moment and thats it. Perhaps that is why I developed the kind of "view of friendship" like a "mentor" figure, instead of a friend. I tend to always want to nurture and bring out the best out of everyone, pushing them to the limits. Then, when the time comes for them to soar their wings and fly, my duty is done and off to another chapter. But this year has been a wave of emotions. 

Thinking back to Primary school, friends who we used to cycle back and forth each other's houses until sundown and will only part on the halfway mark. Then to sec school long walks to send friends home. Or the days we spend at the neighborhood bubble tea shop. Moving to friends who I even stayed over but eventually distanced due to external complications from her boyfriend or parents. Then ofcoz the one that I kept doing all I can but to be deemed too "creepy". Along the way, those that Ive hurt by saying wrong stuffs or teasing too much. Or even the hiking buddies I used to have.

Maybe as life became hectic or maybe just that as we grow older, memories weigh more emotionally, I started to think, how bizarre these all are. I guess, in any kind of relation, similar to Intimacy Passion and Commitment, in friendship, it is Click, Companionship and Commitment. It takes effort of both sides to maintain one. 

Few months ago, another friend mentioned about how after graduation, friends he used to hang out every single day just disappears and refusing to even meet. It's weird, these are the things I used to tell juniors, to cherish friendship while you can as it is harder to find a friend without agenda as you grow up, and that goodbyes are inevitable so treasure every moment now. I guess I became a little desensitized when growing up. But it is catching back on me. 

Then again, also happy that I brought another friend for Tarot. His readings is rather messy but along the line of "Hidden potentials to unleash but hindered by a figure. Be careful of betrayal, but do not fear to seek listening ear instead of bottling it all up. And dont be burdened financially but choose rationally for the future." or at least thats all I remembered. But yea he wrote a long letter to unleash his thoughts to be burnt. To be honest, I never imagined that extent of longing. And he dont usually expand on that. So yea, I guess no one can really 100% feel how you feel. 

All of us at any one time is a product of a social construct, where every decision by you and everyone around you, environment, and circumstances, and generation, shaped who we are. Our lives never belong to ourselves. I did held on this thought tightly enough, especially every time I feel useless and of no help, or screwing things up and turns suicidal. I guess this motto made me move on. Ofcoz, it's probably a 2am thoughts as usual, and would disappear by dawn, but yea, can't help to be in a cancer sign right? 

Looking at the current situation though, somehow I am super super happy that despite my workaholic personality, I am able to be there for whoever who reach out to me, and super glad that I can be considered a good friend, if not best, to the clique I have now. Now, I am learning to stop being a "mentor" and to start being a "friend" more. To listen without always providing solution, and to provide only when asked, and to encourage more. 

Watched Disney Raya, a movie on Trust the altruistic nature of everyone, and then rewatched Onwards, a movie on Brotherhood and dont give up being there for people even if you screw up, and lastly Brother Bear about understanding points of view and destiny. Disney, I must say, never fails to extract that drops of tears and to wrench my nose. At this point, I am getting curious myself what could my past lives be?

March. 

Well time passes really fast. The company just wrap up a huge mega event with 98 tours for 5 days consecutively, with only about 9 guides per day. Many of us have to do double tours. The HODs worked super hard, especially without a coordinator, there are many aspects of a tour to be looked at, such as preparation, service recovery, crisis management, situational awareness, crowd control and incident reports. 

I guess we gave the least problems for our client, such that they had nothing but praises for us. Most of the problems comes from the group dynamics of the individual teachers and students. Externally, it's an outing, and kids being kids, at ages 14-17 years old, their attention, attitude and excitement are all to be expected, so Social Distancing would be a big challenge. 

All in all, we manage to pull it off well by the end of the week. Cant ask for better team than this awesome one Im having. Its a platform to utilize our strengths, to discover our passion, to alleviate our flaws, and to forge great synergies. Ofcoz, post event there are many blindspots we need to look at. 

I remember the first day of event so many hiccups, and internally, moody guides too, that gives attitude more than alleviating the situation, that's mainly because preparation wasn't done well. As we work in HOD nucleus, I had absolutely no clue on other departments, so I leave it to the in-charge to deemed "all is well". Now that the event is over I guess we have to police the departments better to show evidence of work done. Checklists, briefings, and all must be done. And ofcoz another factor is where everything clumps into the few weeks, including being emcee for my friend's wedding, and tours, and everything else. 

That was the longest week. I fell ill. Maybe due to adrenaline all out, or dehydration, or simply smoking too much. (1 pack or more a day). But probably think twice for future big events like this, probably wouldnt want to be the coordinator, because though I can do it, it's not my forte, and definitely not my passion. 

But everything will be okay in the end, this too will pass. 

Oh speaking of that, brought my friends to tarot. For myself, nothing new for the tarot, all work related, in a nutshell "having stress and struggles now that may feel like giving up but hang on for the pot of gold at the end of the road, where people around me benefit from me and I dont have to spend too much effort in them". But for my friends, was eye opening, some surfacing feelings and thoughts lingering or bothering, some revealing deep things they dont share, some forseeing a future we predicted though the reader never met them. Quite cool, glad that kindda work out for them. 

After all the rage rooms and 5ams, all the walks, all the talks, Im glad it works. Guess through a heartbreak, u can never really fill the hole, but to distract, to find replacements, but there's always that hole. Friendship, Relationship, Kinship, these made us who we are, the presence, as well as the absence. That's just how life is. Tiring. But I guess everyone got their own paths. 

CNY Day 1

So the OX year has started. Well, it's really great to survive through 2020. The pandemic really really change things around. After much of emotional roller coaster here and there, I guess I'm pretty glad things work out this way. 

The entire Jan 2021 has been just about retrospective. Most of the time just catching up with friends from all walks of life. Midnight walks, midnight coffeeshops, midnight cycles. 

So concluded about how everything is ephemeral, and things I thought never affected me I guess did affect me subconsciously. Friends that stayed.... friends that drifted.... friends that lost....... friends that I stubbornly cling on but i became an annoyance, and those platonic that became awkward cuz of external factors, missed relationships that I didnt took that first step due to the fear of heartbreak, all the little things that made me who am I........ kindda think of perhaps I understand myself a little more now.

Work wise though, 2020 was a reshuffle. Big players means big liabilities and harder to find pivot points, smaller players may not breakthrough the volume barrier, mid-size are on survival mode or on innovation mode. The scene is ot injected with much much more creativity, going for unfamiliar modes, going for uncertain segmentations, and going for unheard of decision.

But Jan 27 we had our first meeting. The first full team meeting that sets company vision and 2021 direction, the first meeting that officially. It felt so surreal for this to happen. Last year this time, things were so different. Ive been always wanting a team, that sticks like muah chee, that plays like rojak, work like putu piring, support like satay. I tried for many years, through different avenues, went through thick and thin, but all feasts comes to an end. I guess i've let an yeast to crumble the loaf. I thought that was the end, I thought I wasnt doing enough, I thought I was incapable...... maybe im just too naive, too stubborn, too hopeful for an ideal team thats impossible to attain. So I signed up for coachings and facilitation courses, leadership and people management courses, to search for what is missing in me....... 

So Im truly truly truly honoured to get the same team, and even expanded. I thank all of you for the trust in me, for the faith in the company, and confidence for the industry! Everything wasnt planned, but the HOD came in one by one, each bringing an expertise to the table. The ecosystem we are building is extremely strong, we discussed about 22 items in a 3 hours meeting. Our branding is getting stronger and stronger from many directions, many tour offerings, many faces. With no micromanaging, ample resources, no need for statistics or forecasting, we hold passionately on the "believe". With cross-policing, we cover each other's blindspots, and ensure progress, while reassuring that each and everyone is putting all their heart and soul. We do not walk alone. 

So team! Lets BULLDOZE all challenges ahead and emerge victorious!!!! A team is only a team when we achieve greater heights through a supportive, efficient and empowering ecosystem, not just a mere summation of the individual strengths.

Very very very optimistic to the endless possibilities we can reach in 2021. SOOOOO MANY, it's beyond words can express.......

 Well, 1 month of 2021 just passed. 

TBH, wasnt a great start at all. So last year we had a big gathering, when I was so happy that the clique multiplied, with their plus ones. But within the first month, 3 gone already. Sigh. 

I know rationally it doesnt make sense, but it kindda hurts to see this happening, as if I thought I could have done something more to prevent this. maybe more bonding sessions, develop the social support better, more bonds more activities more conversations, or anything else within my means. But its gone.

So Ive been struggling with 2 - 4h daily sleep for the month. And me having a small emotional capacity, I feel hurt too. Hurt that I feel helpless for im either in no place to say anything, and helpless in getting any progress from recovery. 

Then though some night walks and night cycling, I went down my own memory lane going through the streets that were once familiar. Opera Estate, Chai Chee, Bedok North, Reservoir, Old Airport, East Coast, Bayshore. 

So I'm also reminded of friends that were once so close to, especially school days, but it seems like that bond will be lost upon graduation. I was reminded of losing some of them, and regret that when I met them on the streets I didnt acknowledge, which became the last memories of the few of them. And those that got busy with work, with NS, with family, and so drifted, not forgetting the overseas ones. I am reminded of close friendships that end as platonic friendship is not well practiced. I am reminded how alternate lifestyle was not accepted .

So I catch up as much as I can, putting the effort to reconnect to as much as I can. Friendship, is fragile too, it takes efforts and commitment too. But then today I was also reminded that my too much effort may seem "creepy" or "gay". That was probably one of the most hurtful friendship. The kind of effort I put in to "read" and relate to, and not taking sides but just talking and all the long rides......... all for such an impression. 

Appreciate the frankness, I acknowledge myself touchy and emotional and also the fact that I dont really have girlfriends nor "girl"friends, but seriously, it still hurts, jokingly or frankly. Recently one of them mentioned, it could be that due to my small emotional capacity, thus a part of me fear to commit into one, because I know myself I may not be able to be as resilient as these people around me. And when asked if really thats the case, what would the response be, and the hurtful response were "Distance". Sigh, is "Friendship 

To me at least is "当下", (At the Moment". The most important time is "now", with the most important person "the one with me now", and the most important thing "to be there for the one with me now"

You see, to live in the "moment", contrary to popular usage to mean YOLO, do whatever you want, there's no time for regrets, irresponsibly. In my translation, it is not supposed to be a hedonist kindda motto. Referencing to various philo and religion, living in the "present" means to slow down and appreciate the trivial things around you at the moment, understanding that all actions have a cause and effect, and all things that piece together, be it good or bad, has a choice, has a sacrifice, but all in all these trivial things makes "life" worth enjoying, a little like "live or let live" feeling.

Maybe Im just doing too much beyond what I should, but it's just me to take care of those around me, to path their way if I could, that. 

It has been a crazy December, so this is an overdue post. 

 Anyways, really grateful for STB team to plan the SingapoRediscover Voucher (SRV) to be non-stackable. This way, families would be inclined to look for activities that could utilize most of the value and thus look for tours. Due to the unplanned surge for the vouchers, we had a great December rush. Managing my tours alone, we have served close to 200 guests on December alone. Really really happy. This is probably the compensation for the year of naught. 

The team is great, as we have the 4 pronged approach with Boat Tour, Cooking Class, Bike Tour and Educational Tour, the team is unknowingly practicing agile approach to churn out a series of minimal viable products in a month. How we worked is that we have a rough idea in mind, market the series out, receive bookings, then plan the content accordingly to the order of bookings. With every tour we ask for constructive feedback and improve on tour experience, by the 4th or 5th tour, the product is more of less complete and then subsequently it's just improvements on the way and scaling up. 

Grateful also that Dec tours are not too affected by rain, as it does either before or after the tour, or at least occurs at the non-crucial parts. Many times, the weather are doable for us. Really really really grateful, as it's important to run the tours since family groups have less elasticity to rescheduling. 

In midst of the tour rush, I'm also grateful for friends who constantly arrange for catch ups. 

So now is 2021, spent the New Year on a staycation. Now to plan for the next wave of Tour Products, and continuity plan, for the support we have is ending soon in March. We have to keep the company afloat for the year assuming 8 days of confirmed stream of revenue in a month. We need to plan to fill the weekdays slots for this to work. We gotta increase efforts in outreach to incorporate event planning and corporate team building. We gotta make international schools and fill the holiday slots as much as possible. And we need to start cushioning for overheads without support.

I'm happy though, that I decided to continue pressing on to stay in the industry, and rather that repackaging, we came out with new products that caters to the Domestic Tourism. We had reimagined it such that we have deviated away from the typical tour guiding style and adopted facilitation framework doing tours too. All in all it's rather apt too that I had taken Advanced Certification in Learning and Performance as well as Agile Facilitation so that I could incorporate the newly gained knowledge into action. 

I guess 2020 wasnt doing well to most people. I'm glad some of you had also accepted the fact that the pandemic will lurk on and new norms are being formed. Some of you broke out of the comfort zone and trailblazed uncharted paths, venturing into unprecedented markets or methods of working. I still feel sad for most people struggling especially in the nightlife scene, supporting as much as I could afford. 

And for my trainees, I felt the anxiety starting to kick in for them. Some started asking questions on relevance of knowledge, how to anticipate what is useful in the future, how to gain transferable skills, and so on..... I guess those would be anxiety of redundancy and insecurity of inferiority. I can't do much too, for I am not the best person to advise on this since I'm stubbornly clinging on to the same trade despite a diminishing hope of international arrivals. 

Well, wet start of 2021 with 2 full days of rain. Que Sera Sera, jiayous! Still looking forward for the exciting journey this year could bring. Towards a stronger 2021!