Thursday, after celebration, I went to help pop camp, didn’t know why I decided to do so! Its like suicide for me since I had little sleep time this week already! Anyway despite hearing complains and news about how out of hand KY’s group is, when I observed, they are normal naughty kids, rather I believe strongly it was the lack in team leaders cooperation.

When handling kids, we have to work on our facial expression, look calm when in trouble, to act as if everything is fine and under control. Both of them looks like the world collapse everytime there are small problems. Furthermore, the experienced one often mia, leaving the inexperienced to handle the rest, and being taught to be strict and firm yet his natural charm made him popular, it was really tough to take on several roles.

Then, perhaps this was all destined to happen, as I left at 5pm for 2h to do my school work, he snapped, and it seemed like a big issue. Perhaps someone up there really wanted him to try on.

As the performances was on going, we then found Child A, which was bonded close with KY, crying at the back, he felt betrayed on the absence of KY’s sight when he woke up, and assumed he went home without telling him. So as we found him, he was devastated, angry, exhausted of the crying. Ofcoz, KY thought he would be with his original group, thus was minding his own chaotic group. I saw his face filled with guilt and resentment that everything happened “under his hand”, he felt lousy. So I suggested he carry him onto the steps at the back, on his lap, hug him close. Not knowing what was best, he knelt down and hugged him. At instance I was really really touched. I rarely see such a dedicated leader for his team. Since I observed, he tended to the group’s need wholeheartedly and non hesitantly.

Then it was night hunt, it was really fun, I must say they did a superb job in planning and with the creativity to come out with the scenario. Then there are movies, and then my sleepless night. This was when I was shocked at myself. Since child A was beside me, whenever he seemed to be having nightmare or that sort, twitching or moaning, I would tap his chest or shoulder with decreasing frequency, sort of calm him down, and assured comfort and protection. Yet, as I heard a child coughing badly at the other side of room, I wanted to give him water, but I actually lie back down on the bed on the thought that my bottle was on the other side of the room! See how selfish I was! And how lazy I was! But after that epiphany, someone came over and helped him already, and so I was really ashamed of myself. Anyway, for child’s A, I saw the urgency and that kanchiongness in KY towards him. I smiled. Its really a great sight to see, a rather touching one, for their bonds.

So my observation led me thinking he’s a great young leader, potential servant leadership, a strong teen that carried on persevering everytime after he snapped, thus he didn’t just back down and leave the “rotten stall”. But I think he’s a little too perfectionist, he takes on issues too personally, carrying everyone’s burden on himself. Thus Pastor Jacq should be right, he was pressurized to perform, under seeing the other good leaders that could manage their group well. Being inexperienced, he’s unable to see whole picture, he tend to focus on the “lost sheep” without settling the herd, thus his reactions everytime someone deviated away made the herd feel lost, and that as the children see his hopeless expression, they might not be able to find assurance of a capable leader of them.

So KY tend to be stressed, and a huge factor of them is self implied. Other factors are that being new, he’s always pointed at by the other leaders, though not really being scolded, but being told what he should do and what he did wrongly, he must felt really lousy. Actually, handling kids will never have a model absolute answer, thus it’s really up to the cooperation, which is lacking. He was too strict in discipline, giving himself more stress only, under the misconception that strict is good, and he isn’t strict enough (though in my eyes I will never be strict to that extend) and thus he felt everything is due to his incapability, which isn’t true.

Performance wise, he is really good, perhaps even better than myself, but he was exhausted too fast, and that night he was on verge of getting fever, he’s people-oriented, so energy run out fast, which made his expression dull, that dispirited the team too, but everything was actually alright and in control. Whatever problems he was facing was common to the other groups as well, yet he doesn’t see that. As such, I do feel unfair for him to be 'scolded' by the other leaders of what to do, but then again, perhaps there's a reason for him to go through all these? Hopefully he will remain strong. One thing for sure though, he should be well eyed on by people, at least among the syrens and the "Pastor's circle" we all have seen and admired his great dedication and determination. Sad I couldnt see throughout the other days, but actually if fate wants him to go through hell, these might not happen if i was there, so in a way, lucky im not there. Haha. So... yea, proud, really proud, really great, to be able to know and see this boy.

So this camp killed me, but had given me a breath of life as well. I left at 6am for home, to regenerate for today’s movie and the rest of the day with Jorgen.

Lots of happenings this week.

On 23rd, we were planning to buy a present for Jordan since his birthday is on the next day. So we waited for Jordan to go for his cds at 2pm, school ended at 11am. Unexpectedly, he was stubborn, he wanted to skip despite lots of frowns and encouragements and taunts for him to go. So then we decided to go tm together, which initially I planned for each of us to take separate path, like Faris will act as if he’s going home, I will say I need to go church, and Siva will crap up an excuse to leave Jordan with the 3 girls so he will feel awkward n leave, yet don’t know why as Faris went up on 8, the girls followed, and everyone followed….

So on bus its round two, me and Faris acted to leave them at Fari’s bus stop, Siva will then leave them at TM, saying he need to meet friend at Tamp Library. And he was so fake when I faked giving him a phone call!! Haha, in the end he didn’t leave, so we sneakily bought the ball, with Delia’s help, “go toilet”, or “take food” (cuz they were in Manpuku), then in the end, after searching the 3 malls, we fixed our eyes on one at T1. So Delia suggested he send lizzie off to the bus stop, and jane, being oblivious thoughout, thought it was all real, even suggested “why not go home together”…. Hahahaha

In the end everything falls back as planned. =D at least the 5h drama was not wasted, he enjoyed the surprise, and thought it was all real. Haha we can be Oscar winners already =)

We saw Wednesday and Thursday together at T1, they were so sweet~ Wednesday was clinging onto him, leaning her head on his shoulder. Lovely couple…. Made me little jealous haha.

At night I went to church to help out with the Bursary thing, and chatted with KY, since it was his first time leading, and heard he’s got a tough group.

So on Thursday, Psychology lecture was about Developmental Psychology part 2. I guess Something that I got back from these few psychology lectures, if I were to have kids, I would have 2, and would spend more time with them especially first few years, and gotta have loads of family activities to avoid the only child feeling lonely and the chance of going astay. Through Psychology, Ive learnt much more, and understand kids more. I actually sort of shocked ____ after the truth and dare session, saying that by changing steads so many times in a year means that his heart is not searching for a soul mate, but searching for the type of soul mate he really wanted. Felt rather bad shocking him.

So then it was pop camp, which will be going into detail on the next blog post ^^.

Today, I went for "Apple of the eye" with Johann, Wei Nan and Jorgen, again Ive learnt much too. Some awesome quotes I liked are:

青春是一場大雨。即使感冒了，還盼望回頭再淋它一次 it means that "Adolescence is like a heavy rain. Even though you catch a cold from it, you still look forward to experiencing it once again." - http://www.lonelyreload.com

人生本來就很多事是徒勞無功的啊 this hit me hard. In the movie, this was said when the top student was asked what for studying for stuffs that we might not even use in the future? She replied that in life, there are many great efforts that will be in vain, that have no results. This motivated me, that not every effort I put in must make a difference, maybe, should enjoy the process, do for the sake of doing, because it fills me with life.

Nothing much happenings today, perhaps Monday blues, I felt a little down…..
So I started to observe details in life, and I observed a few interesting trivial stuffs in life that we often would ignore.

Few days back I was rushing for time, at the same moment as my next door neighbor, so I was like kanchiong spider packing up my bag and rushing for lift, which I saw my neighbor about to reach the lift first, so I thought she would wait for me as I suddenly remembered to bring some stuffs, so I went back in. Then, when I came out, she was still locking her door, and my mum was the one holding the lift haha~! Just nice both of us ran back into our respective homes to grab stuffs haha.

Anyway, so yea I observed my class at a 3rd person view, again I have this feeling as if I was black and white, and the world is coloured, as if I was an observer, going through some simulation or some 4D device. Somehow, I don’t feel the bond. Also, checking out the class wall, guess ive been missing out a lot, that Im so known to MIA, nobody bothered much about asking me for certain events. Similarly, I was rather surprised to see no empty seats around my normal clique. Sigh.

So yea in Psychology, it was as if parenting course part 2, we were learning about different attachment styles and parenting, with lots of input from tutor’s personal experiences. Looking back to my good old days, guess my pri was a lot fun, perhaps really, I had more love – To love and be loved. Ofcoz that was upper pri. In the children’s world, everything is small, everything is limited, the world is precisely what I know and what I see. This brings me back to the 天越高心越小 concept (the bigger the world is, the smaller my capacity to love is). Ofcoz, this is only my interpretation. Looking back again, ever since the new sem starts, I had not much of genuine wildness, or any outburst of joy. Sometimes, as I laugh with few of my cliques, I felt my smiles and laughter so mona lisa. Then, I as I often do, I wondered do my presence brings more benefits or burden? For example, how my friend’s sister came in and had an awkward and abrupt conversation with my friend. Or how my sec 2 na class failed maths. Well, it’s time for me to migrate again, the first half of the year was filled with amazing times in scc, which now seems rather alien to me already. I gotta find another place, full of love and laughter.

Then, I had always wondering, where is life leading me to? And the very purpose of me again. Somehow, I wanna be youthful, to not think so much, to enjoy teen years thoroughly. Speaking of this, I gotta catch “apple of my eye” soon~! Like fri~!!

Argh, back to Psychology, today we touched on the topic of love languages again. One strong point I caught is that, often Asian parents lack in their communication medium to express their love using touch or intimacy. This is a very crucial area, as many case studies shown that the touch and intimacy could prevent lots of future problems. However, there is always this Asian culture to not hug and kiss. My parents do not do that, not that I remember. Thus, it’s only after o levels do I hold my parents hands, like finally….. what an un-filial son I was. So hugs and kisses isn’t really our practices, just look at my dad, cant even pose a nice couple shot with mum, gotta CUT and adjust lots of times. Oh yea, so now that I’ve seen lots of broken families, I do envy those ideal family where generations are still close and have fun together. They pull their dad’s ears, fall on their chests, pinch their noses, tease around, have dinner on the same table….

Which then this huge dilemma struck me, do I want to be a father? After the much ambiguous future me and my future family have, the struggles and etc, the responsibility to raise an ideal kid, the fear that my child would deviate some day, or over control or under control, the image of them leaving me and establish their own family, or grow up not receiving the ideal care. Sigh.

Actually, Im still looking for someone, someone that I don’t mind spending the whole day doing nothing but talk, sharing the same frequency to talk about anything and everything under the sun, and able to keep up with my energy, to party and sing whole day, or simply just be happy when im around, and not giving me the “you again” expression, someone that will lighten up his/her face at my presence. To find someone like that, will be a dream come true? Often I see people with best friends, best buddies, best clique, but till this day, frankly I haven’t seen one who I feel can die without them. All are but come and go, have fun, leave happy memories, and go, like the train. But then again, perhaps that’s life.

Urghhh so emo……. Tomorrow will be a brighter day~ ciao~

Receiving compliments are really akin to receiving emotional flowers that cloud your mind with their fragrance. - Quoted from Chia De Zhong

Today my teacher complimented me on my consoling =D

It all happened yesterday night, at 11.30pm, when a friend, X, contacted me for someone to talk to. X's down with lots of problems. X's dad was only known to have quit his job (though i suspect he got fired), grandma just passed away, and not long ago X parents had conflicts. At such a young age of not even 14 years old, X had been through a lot. X has sort of family violence as much as I heard.

So X was afraid to view the corpse, as most young people do, but this was the 4th. Digging further I found out X had a 3 months trauma after the first viewing. So I actually consoled her throughout the night.

So I said to X that everyone goes through that, look at it this way , the moment we are born into the world, we’re preparing for this day, thus we live our lifes to the fullest, to leave no regrets, old age is more peaceful than reservoir, and its not sinful, wad matters now is the legacy she left behind and the beautiful memories left engraved in ur minds, be optimistic, the place afterlife should be less harsh than Earth

Then, unsure what to say I gave X my opinions and views of death viewing. I said that as we see the corpse, we should feel calm, like a feeling that he/she was at peace, and that would give us some sort of power to continue living, and take up what was left behind for us, the continuity.

Then, remembering the movie, "Departures", I told X that we shouldn’t mourn, for its not a bad thing. Some people even smiled at ease, that the person has went back where we belong, joining loved ones there, away from cruel world. Some laughed, as they see no reason to cry over spilled milk, and lots of other ways to cope with it.

And I continued by tellign X that X's trauma was probably due to lack of mediums to express feelings, it is perfectly fine and encouraged that X talk about it after the event, and share with ur family n closed ones to exchange thoughts about it. One sure thing is that during the viewing, no matter what, we should keep in mind that by viewing it it made the whole event real, and bear in mind, its all part of life cycle. Being real means like the person dont just vanish out of the sudden to nowhere. Viewing the corpse should let us feel that that portion of life is complete, and fulfilled, that the peace look would remind us of the happy memories left behind.

Then X told me about having the image stuck in X's head, so i explained that it means they had succeeded having great positive impact on ur life, and its rather good, cuz it helps u to keep the memories alive rather than suppressing it, since memories do fade. So I suggested when closing ur eyes, associate, link the happy memories of them with their peaceful faces, don’t u find a sense of bliss that u had been through such happy times? Those memories are uniquely urs n theirs, no others!

So this was about it, then my teacher actually told me to distract X from viewing instead, by focus on random stuffs. So that got me worried and I smsed X again to 'change strategy'. However she had looked at it. But today I received a good news that X is not afraid anymore during the funeral. Which I hope X is speaking the truth, and not telling a white lie just so that I would be at ease. X went on matured-ly, trying to solve the rest of X family problem.

This was again one small part where envy steps in, though its painful, I do envy young people who went through so much in their early stages of life, yet able to cope and have lots of supports. These people would turn out stronger, just as the chinese saying 吃得苦中苦，方為人上人.

Well, this is a rather big success, since frankly I lied (white lie) about my personal encounter with corpse viewing. I didnt actually had much emotions attached, thus obviously didnt have those dramatic feelings and 'understandings' of viewing. I based all these on the passing of my relative's grandma, which I had observed their reaction, and their laughter after the event. They had completely accepted it and are optimistic about going on with life. However, I still do not understand myself, just like a scene in departures as well, why would people laugh as they see the corpse? As in laugh of serenity, not sinister smirk, grudg-ous grins, sly smiles.... and that sort of things, but sincere bliss, which filled with warmth and serenity. Perhaps should check out with professionals.

Alright, another 2 days of full schedule, 3h of sleep. zzz... nites..... oh btw today had a great dinner thanks to Auntie Jacq~! =D

Today in LAW lecture, we touched on Ethical issues. Coincidentally, I was getting opinions from Siva on that Mine Cart, 5 lives vs 1 life philosophy question. So the lecturer asked:

If an elderly and a child were to be in need of help, assuming both are complete strangers, would die if not saved, and the chosen one would definitely be saved, which ONE would you choose to save?

Many would consider choose the child, on a common argument that the child has longer lifespan to do greater good to the society. This, itself, has already shows some stereotypes and prejudice people have towards the SILVER industry.

Furthermore, there is a hint of operant conditioning, not sure if I’d applied the correct concept, but anyway I think that media influences and social choices influenced a person’s rationale mind. Many media depicted the elders sacrificing for the young ones, saying “You got a better future” and such things, thus it would lead to people thinking that might be the model answer, and would normally stop questioning further.

Why wouldnt anyone try saving the elderly?

So I would argue that who determines which of the two parties would bring more benefits to society? Who can be so sure the child WILL have a better future?

At that instance, the worth of the elderly would be more, as the elderly would have more wisdom and experience to be able to benefit the society straightaway for sure. The elderly could right away be an inspiration to other elderly, or the younger generations, as a living testimony, as a living treasure, a teacher of life.

On the other hand, the child would have a long life to live in order to have a chance to bring greater benefit to society, which in the process would leech on Earth’s resources for inputs instead, and therefore there will be a possibility as well that the child might waste his/her life by turning astray or be raised into murderers and other possible predators that would harm the society instead.

Thus, the elderly would be more worthy, more rich in potential to bring greater good for society.

Some other questions that I would want to touch on in the future would be:

- If a thief were to steal from you for survival of his family, knowing stealing is bad, and that saving people is encouraged, would you allow him to steal from you?

My stand would be that I will let him steal, just like Zhu Ge Liang in the three kingdoms era, 七擒七纵, he captured the enemy 7 times, and let him go 7 times as well, as a result he surrendered willingly. So Likewise, if the item he is stealing do not affect you much, let him do that, and let him know that you let him steal, and lecture him bit by bit, this way, at least you know his target is you and wouldnt harm others which might affect the victims greatly, moreover can help him indirectly. Other than that, I think it's all up to the thief's destiny or fate.

- If the 2nd highest scorer goes around boasting and made everyone else sad, disapointed, discouraged, depressed... etc, knowing you shouldnt boast around and be humble, yet if that person goes on there would be more problems, would you still boast?

Nope, I think its no point, just cheer the others up, cuz if you boast around, again as 3 idiots states: When you friend do badly, you feel sad, when your friend do better, you feel worst, so rather be low profile.

- White lie: In order to not hurt or to prevent fatal consequences, would you do it?

Personally I do not think white lie is a crime at all, I think to a certain extent we got to adapt to different environment thus constantly change masks. Some things are better to be known, some could be tweaked to suit better. If it's for a greater good of another party, why not?

- Envy for improvement of friendly rivals, to be encouraged?

Yea why not if it's friendly rivals, I dont categorize that as envy, since there isnt any ill feeling at all unlike envy, which means to feel inferior that other are better in certain aspects and thus would harbour ill feelings towards the party. This is rare too.

- To "scare" the aggressor when being provoked, knowing violence isnt encouraged, nether to be used against another violence, so is it sinful?

Nope I dont think so either. But definitely I agree that it takes more strength to walk away then to counter back in any ways. =D So it would just determine how strong of a person you are. =D

Monday is over =D
Lots of sleepless nights last week, gonna rest well this week.

Fri I had amazing race, it was fun with the right people in the group. =D Enjoyed myself, though tiring and exhausting, but the party was lame, so decided to head home, and cuz of that I missed 11:11pm by 3-4mins~!!!!!! Sigh...... Well, at least the one in the morning was caught, though the wish was not refined well. So yea, 10 years down the road, and we shall see if it works =D

Somehow I got sort of an image forming in my head that im drifting apart from society, like getting alienated, but nothing has changed in my life, so... hmm... strange.

Sat was church as usual, was soooo glad weichong played the whole canon in c~!!!!! woohoo~!! But sad didnt have time to look at chang hong, I think he had a wasted trip =( sigh....... me and my lousiness.... While in cell, there are many interesting questions that poped up, that each can easily be turned into a philosophical debate =D shall slowly venture into those someday when free. Oh yea, I found out Elliot and KY took pure lit~!!! I was like~~ woooohooooo~~~ sososososososooooooo rare would people even consider lit~!! It woudl be tough, but im so interested that I would want to learn together, cuz if im not wrong pure lit will study plays as well. The book is cliche though, romeo juliet.....

Sun wushu was tiring, but at least for the first time I had someone's 'ren tong' (acknowledgement, of achievement, of standard met, of acceptable performance), like finally..... As I said, dont really have anything to be proud of except that fluke scholarship. Then went for steamboat with tanny and weide, and so on and so on.....

Today the test was screwed, left around 10 marks out of 30 blank, and 4 marks gone already due to lack of studying, no choice, procrastinate too much? Oh yea I had even forgotten to bring calculator! though the teacher lent it to me, it really shows something on me you see...

So yea in psychology, also learnt great lessons on behavioral management, like how to help people in various scenarios, and the term reward and punishment often surface. That's one, second is that we got to ask ourselves, how far are we willing to go?

For example, if you had a group member who fell into procrastination? Or perpetual lateness problem? Negative sanctions are not recommended, as it would not result in change of behaviour, just that the victim would no longer concern you, but his/her new clique. For example, how would you impose fine? Or how are you gonna reward them? What right do you have to confiscate their personal belongings? Or their freedom? There isn’t a distinct authority and hierarchy, we’re dealing at the peers level.

I also learnt that giving the guilt treatment is not recommended as well. Often people would try to sound in a way the person would feel guilty, for example to complaint that they missed the first part of the movie due to the lateness. However these guilt treatments would snowball into gossip behind the back, and eventually labelling them, and then end of friendship.

This is because these would result in accumulative feelings. These accumulative feelings could destroy relationships. One more case is in terms of work done, effort, marks attained, and academic excellence. As 3 Idiots pointed out: When your friend do badly, you feel bad, when your friend do better, you feel worst. Why would this be the case? Does that show a certain selfishness in human nature? Then about selfishness, don’t you think Reward for Work, Work for Reward has become our culture, and does that reflect something on our moral grounds? Again I think the bottomline goes back to few basics, money, self.


Anyway, back to topic, thus the slow method is always a better approach, according to western culture. Slow methods include to the extent you sacrifice yourself. For example, you meet the person one on one beforehand, call up before meeting time, constant reminders, or in terms of rehearsing for speech, to slowly increase audience from 1 to give the person confidence, these can be really hard. This is a constant challenge for me, how far can I go? As much as I want to help, how far am I willing to do so without compromising much on my other aspects?

Uncertainty in all - This is what I see, and what troubles me. I look on all sides, and everywhere I see nothing but obscurity. Nature offers me nothing that is not a matter of doubt and disquiet.

Uncertainty in Man's purpose - For after all what is man in nature? A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either.

Uncertainty in reason - There is nothing so conformable to reason as this disavowal of reason.

Uncertainty in science - There no doubt exist natural laws, but once this fine reason of ours was corrupted, it corrupted everything.

Uncertainty in religion - If I saw no signs of a divinity, I would fix myself in denial. If I saw everywhere the marks of a Creator, I would repose peacefully in faith. But seeing too much to deny Him, and too little to assure me, I am in a pitiful state, and I would wish a hundred times that if a god sustains nature it would reveal Him without ambiguity.We understand nothing of the works of God unless we take it as a principle that He wishes to blind some and to enlighten others.

Uncertainty in skepticism - It is not certain that everything is uncertain.

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Above is a few categorization of Doubt.

The reason of this post, is probably a few issues that came up to me, with one of them as lame as the drama , it was doubt that could destroy one's life, be it yours or others'. Then I thought of more in depth issues of doubt.

Perhaps the teacher ask you a question, and you were so sure about the answer, you raised your hands up straight and shouted it out, only to be replied by a raised eyebrow and a squinted eye, "are you sure", and you started doubting yourself, doubting your intellect, doubting your answer, doubting your ability.

This can be really devastating. I admit I often doubt myself. I doubt myself of my capability to achieve, capability to make a difference, ability to teach, ability to nurture, or sometimes even doubting myself whether or not I could accomplish simply tasks.

I was asked, "Do you get jealous/envious easily". On first response I considered "NO", yet as I thought through, I realized I do, and it's common and frequent, almost al the time. It is just the matter of how do I handled those. Thus I subsequently realized that I often adopted the Distortion and Dissociation.

Distortion is to distort the reality, despite knowing the fact, to suit personal needs. It's like bluffing my ownself. This is often in form of mind humour, "Without people like me, you wont recognize those 'talents'." This is simply a denial act, and an obvious biased decision, to boost a little self esteem. Yet, deep inside, I'm sure I do feel extremely bad, worthless.

Dissociation is to temporarily modify self-concept, to avoid emotional distress. This would normally postpone the unhappiness or other related feelings that is associated with the predator (the cause of defense mechanisms to act). I do at times just force myself to believe "Let It Be", just because I couldnt achieve the meet the standard of my ideal self. I had limited strengths with loads of building passion, like a peacock that couldnt spread its feathers as it was pinioned.

I often doubt myself. I doubted myself whether or not I really made a difference, by stepping back and observed or simulates what would it be like if I were to be removed from the picture. I doubted myself whether I am a man of my words. I doubted myself even if Im very sure of an answer. I doubted myself at my ability to accept the changes of the world.

So I often get envious, of good teachers, of charming personality, of good tact, of good performance, of good popularity, and many more. And now I thought of it, its rather a torturous inner conflict of what am I feeling inside of me, what am I thinking inside of me, and how about others?

And so as such, the scholarship thing really makes a huge difference in my self esteem. As I hate rarely achieved anything great out of life especially academically. Mountains are always higher than me in anything and everything, it was really hard for me to get somewhere to the Creme De la Creme.

Yea~!! 600th post of my blog~!!!!!!!
(Pop champagne, blow trumpets, pull poppers)

For all these years this is the first time I saw the MV of "Because of you - Kelly" and I finally bothered to read through the lyrics and understand it.....

It's about a broken family, with the first verse stating the stand of the victim - the child. She (the child) is committed that she wont make the same mistake as her parents, the failed relationship, that affected her alot, as well as probably her mum, who fell hard.

The chorus mentioned that the child was probably afraid of relationships to avoid taking the same steps as the parents, as such she wouldnt stray much, she preferred playing safe, and had constructed barrier of herself and the world, the reality, blocked the possibilities.

The next verse states her thoughts to probably her dad, that she tried to maintain her image of a cheerful child, trying not to tear as it would sadden him. However, the lack of family harmony has made her felt like having an incomplete home, lack of love, peace and warmth.

The family violence is eminent at the next verse, where the picture of death, pain and suffering came into the picture. Her mum was probably emotionally torn apart, trying to put up with the incompatible husband, yet wouldnt wish to divorce as she wouldnt want to affect her child, though she couldnt see that the disharmony affected more instead, and there is a hint that the child was probably the motivation of her to live on, to endure on, just as many mothers do.

The symbolism of the child is greater now. She symbolizes her motherhood, her vile of life, which is also awareness, of the family problem, as well as the conflict, of love for this child, which thus leads to a clinging but torn family, to love the child enough to not get divorced, yet that very decision affected the child more.

Now, the child is suffering too, for the same reason she is being emotionally 'tortured', by the dilemma she had. She would want a happy family but she is the one who caused the conflict indirectly, and she wouldnt want an incomplete family too, besides she might not know who to choose to follow. She's insecure, and afraid of the future. She might had resentment of being born into this world too.

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

That's the conclusion, the loudest sentence, the strongest words.

ENVY

o Feelings of inferiority

o Longing

o Resentment of circumstances

o Ill will towards envied person often accompanied by guilt about these feelings

o Motivation to improve

o Desire to possess the attractive rival's qualities

o Disapproval of feelings

JEALOUSY

o Fear of loss

o Suspicion or anger about betrayal

o Low self-esteem and sadness over loss

o Uncertainty and loneliness

o Fear of losing an important person to an attractive other

o Distrust

K: hmm for some reason i have the urge to know the reasons of the suicide-d ppl at reservoir...... why chose this method out of 1001 other methods? could it be 'recognition of the personal problems' because after death, the issue will be spread by the media? and thus ppl will then try to dig into the issue to KPO? thus the victim will felt that his/her 'existence' is more prominent, sort of 'fame' issue??

L: someone mentioned to me.. copy cat cases...like copycat crimes....as in it's recent for the next person who decided to end his life ... that's just one reason... we would really never know...

K: yea i know copycat, but of all methods, why copy drowning? the cost-benefit not worth it?? like there are many more creative ways to kill urself right? no need go through much torture, and copy cat wont do any good, cuz only the red shirt one and first one is remembered anyway.... why not adopt a more creative method at least gets more media coverage??

cuz drowning is tough, if we struggle and panic when a friend grab our legs in the pool, imagine the guts and determination they had to go through that mental torture to end their life?

there must be something mroe than juz personal problems to the reason they chose suicide in the reservoir =D

L: it's not about being remembered for some i guess. there's a period of time where pple were jumping off train tracks. i'm just saying when one is really down and desperate and they want to end their live... they are not too rational... so they just do whatever that comes to their mind 1st.. which is the recent suicide cases.. of cos there are many more reasons why each person choose to die in a certain way.

K: hmm, good point people arent rational when they chose to suicide..... maybe thats why they copycat ba =D its just totally ridiculous......

hmmm..... next im thinking...... does all the ppl even to the last second still insist to die?? or that they changed their mind but its too late?? like girls normally out of rashness chose to suicide, but internal battle delay them until normally is saved by their loved ones........ is there deathbed conversion? hmmm......

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Today wanted to skip wushu but sx insisted, so couldnt go church 25th anniversary. But glad so too, because i get to finish the baguazhang taolu today =D after that then I went to bbtc for the carnival. Bad starting, I accidentally hit the guy's head because I was about to fall so my hand swing up.... sigh... nothing big deal, but kindda irrinoying when someone kept sound like I did that on purpose...... but then again, kids.... sigh.

Then went to KY house, for the first time, his house exceeded the impression I had, but yea he had a great family, great support, great characters. I would say they have a lively family =D but I would agree he's a little too serious at times whereas his bro super cute, so child-like. child-like not childish, child-like is he's matured just that his personality is those host or comedian type, his behavior and thinking is quite comical, very de cartoon de....

For himself, he was now into options and stocks..... haha long long loooong time ago I had a few weeks of interest there too. He seemed confident, wish him success then =D But up till today, so not used to think he's sec 2, his knowledge, maturity, exposure, wisdom and understanding so like sec 4 or poly lorh.....

Also, there's another guy with the same frequency as him too, almost like twin brother like that. I noticed both of their smiles had a certain pattern and charmness too. Really glad he had such a pal =D hope they will remain best of friends even 50 years down the road regardless circumstances! Speaking of this, kindda asking myself at times, what in the world am I doing hanging around with a sec 2.... but he's so not sec 2, except academically, he's tall, so biologically he could be upper sec. Hmm....

So in LAW, this is an example of family influence, by socio, this is conflict theory, unequal excess of resources.

Today went to scc for a visit, another inside news... sigh... not really wise to post here but yea its a sad thing. Actually, I wouldnt say its bad either, lets just say life will find a way =D let it be... let it be.....

Then went to treat 2 of them due to their birthday. Taught piano to 2 students, called along Tai too, to have a little chat since wont be seeing him this week. He gave some feedbacks on that lesson, which is great =D and Ive learnt some simple NP thing about LED, basically one is lack electrons, on is excess electrons, then the transferring and loop of the electrons gives off light. Later that night was talking to KY, then Ive learnt of such interesting element as the graphene, its an allotrope of carbon, that can replace silicon, and is the thinnest material in the world, as well as one of the strongest and hardest. It could weigh less than a whisker yet support a baby. So well spiderman could be a possibility =D haha

Then it was cell, I redeemed 8 chickens from popeyes for the cell, and today is first exposure for the youths, as usual not many are left for next week, but no matter, its more of the right time.

So yea Kok Guan was the guess speaker. He's really an awesome guy too~ a great theologist I would say, a friendly one too~ he's like Samy or SX or JL, great pillars of supports in my life. Ofcoz his 'disciples' are awesome too like YJ n Lin. He was talking about BGR, but this time round it isnt as dry and boring as the last time one. He mentioned about waiting for the right time. So yea that sort of reassured me that there will be someone eventually =D That the problem dont lies within me, nor it is about having my criteria too high and impossible.

And yea I totally agree having a gurl only adds on to my already-overflowing problems =D but then again I started to develop lots of curiosity about personal and private stuffs now, due to sociology/psychology influence and the topic. Perhaps I have been a 'holy' guy for so long I had not know such things.

Perhaps the only reasons I got tempted to get a girl is not peer pressure, but time, as it was too draggy, and sort of loneliness perhaps? that I felt that I had no opportunities or platform to show the romantic side of me. I felt that I had little targets to show my love, not necessarily BGR love, just love. Thus I would only feel 'empty' when Im alone, but disappeared when Im volunteering, when Im with close friends. Well, just as Samy said, its hard for me to trust anyone, thus as I find one, I would hold it very dearly, but will struggle within myself if it was worth it.

So yea, I concluded, I should not hold back to much, just enjoy the besties in front of me now, no matter how different our life paths would be, these would be memories, buried in the soil of spring - of happiness and of 'had once possessed'.

So I thought back, and there was a few songs that already had labels on it, that the songs will make me think of that moment, that phrase in life, that memorable happiness we had.

Calcutta Taxi - P5 Neptune
Witch Doctor (Oo Eee Oo Ah Ah) - Indonesia with Sun Yi, Christian and Yohanes)
We will rock you - P3 birthday party, blast 10 years 100 his in my house at 554 Bedok North) with Weisong, Tat Rui
Rice and Curry (Hurry Hurry) - P2 with Daniel and Darren
That's what friends are for - Sec 1D Miss Naz party at my house
Greatest Love of All - PE teacher, P5
Wind Beneath My Wings - Ms Patsy Lee, P5
Take me home, Country roads - Mr Siah, P5
Boom boom boom - P3 with Tat rui Tat heng
Hero - P5 China trip
Butterfly - Giresh
Top of the World - Sec 1 Zikang, Cheuck, James
Mama mia - Sec 3, Tai fong (cuz he changed the lyrics)
That thing you do - Wushu, Sec 2 I think
September - Night at Museum also with Wushu
I Will Survive - Duet with Johann while qiao shou-ing
Xiong Kou Yong Yuan De Tong - Duet with Johann while qiao shou-ing
Zai Na Yao Yuan De Di Fang - CNY with family once
Ji De (JJ Lin) - Jam at Johann house with Sheng, Tai, Weide, Cheuck
Re Qing De Sha Mo - KTV with RV
Xin Bu Liao Qing - KTV with Pop
Baby - Johann Bday BBQ
Tell Laura I love her - KTV with Wushu
Lian Ai ING - Nicole n Me Bday with Wushu + RV + Qi Teng
Para Para Sakura - Beyblade madness P3
Liang Shan Bu Yu Li Ye - Duet with KY
Mary's Boy Child - Memory of me sleeping in Mercedes, <5 YEARS OLD
Wan Wan De Yue Liang - Memory of me at backyard looking at night sky, <5 YEARS OLD
Hao Han Ge (Water Margins) - When Grandmother was proud of me, <5 YEARS OLD
Feliz Navidad - 2010 Xmas with Pop Cell
Wake Me Up - POM skit with T1B01 mates!
Greased Lightning - POM skit with T1B01 mates!
You can't stop the beat - POM skit with T1B01 mates!
Bu De Bu Ai - Audition craze....
Zui Jin - Sec 4 Jie Ying's comment (why you always repeat that line?)
Low - Sec 2 Camp / Mass PE hip hop
Nan Er Dang Zhi Qiang - Flag Dance, P5

Thanks for all the beautiful memories. =D

The Oath is getting boring, not as cheeky as I thought, start to have lots of love trianagles, jealousy and those type of cliches again.... sian, but anyway, love is really just like that, lots of dilemma and awkwardness, lots of confused decisions and etc, so glad didnt fall into one haha =D love is something totally on fate, on guts, not rationale at all, but the process should be rather great and sweet, memorable, still, I always think that it is manipulable, to simple things like frequency of communications and intimacy, giving in, etc etc, doubt there are such thing as true love, at least to my current naive understanding, that relationship settles because they are comfortable together, dont mind each other, and satisfied, thus wouldnt think of other guys/girls. Once that breaks... its still same, so similarly, doubt there's such things as red strings, destiny, etc etc too......

Today I learnt the technical part of psychology of Pavlov’s Animal conditioning, which is the way a dog was trained in such a way that it will salivate as he hears the bell, or jump on its own without being shocked. Some of these terms (on my own understanding yet) are:

Neutral Stimulus – the bell/the food before conditioning, meaning the object at its own initially is not associated with anything and would not stimulate (cause) any response (reaction). The object as a pure form, its very existence.

Unconditioned stimulus – 5 senses, the sun is bright and cheerful, meat on the plate, the hot kettle, these are natural stimulus that will excite our 5 senses to have response.

Unconditioned response – natural biological response, for example to retract our hands on boiling kettle, to squint the eyes on bright vision, or to be disgusted.

Conditional stimulus – salivation + food + bell all paired, so each unconditioned stimulus is associated with other 2, thus being conditioned, its like being grouped together and given identity, once there is A, must have B and C, or A = B =C they go together.

Conditioned response – for each conditioned stimulus, others will follow through, sort of naturally, “learnt”, the result in a change of lifestyle, in the case, the dog will salivate the moment it hears the bell or smell the food.

Extinction – without frequency of the conditioned stimulus to be fulfilled, will stop, eg after the food ceased to come after the bell, the dog would not salivate anymore.

Discrimination – differentiation, choose within 2 stimulus, whistle and bell, one food comes, one don’t, or blowing of whistle of own field instead of other adjacent fields.

So some of the thoughts I had:

For babies reacting to different objects/sounds, like clapping, or the tsk sounds to lure the baby to approach the caller, if one caller had one specific object, so the baby would discriminate which of the callers would give him the best attention/gift/pat? Then would always approach the person with that object after being repeatedly conditioned to do so? Or maybe we can condition the baby to always follow a certain movement of hand, that all callers would use the same pattern to call on him?

So to discipline a child, for example, the child says please, then you give him a sweet, and he walk away happily.

Please, sweet, happily walk away
One day, if you reject, like : Please, no, will he still happily walk away?
So please and happily walk away are paired, even if one of them (please and sweet) is not fulfilled, the others will follow by, in this case, happily walk away? Is this the explanation, which thus gives others an impression of well disciplined child? But of course, then it will have extinction once the sweet is not there anymore for a period of time.

Then let’s take for example:

Bath, smoke, mug
So if one day smoke is taken away, will the person still study?

Or the morning bell before primary school, will that make students nearby school still have the school mindset during holidays, like in the morning as the child wakes up, he hears the bell, so he immediately would sort of line up to class, so at home he would start to automatically take out his textbooks?

How about saddist conditioning, we condition pain in such a way that it is necessary? Is this how they trained the Spartans? Those killer machines in myths and legends or movies? So we can condition someone to totally deviate with the norms from young? Similarly we can condition humans to adopt some kind of routine, McDonalization. Hmm…….

There comes a point in life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will.....

Awesome quote =D and there will be a moment in life where you know you've went a long way, that you can look back and reach out your hands to help your peers behind...

As usual, busy schedule, Mon 9am-9pm lesson, Tue 9am-6pm lesson, then went to surprise ZiKang and ZiJian. It's really great to see them again, and to be able to chat and seemingly no worries, just like old times haha. Do hope they can endure JC, that everything would be smoother for them. A small surprise, but felt really great haha, because I always had this impression told me ZK was looking out of the window on one birthday, pondering if he can spot me and weide. I think it was sec 1. Anyway yea sec 2 I went back to Indo, sec 3 I only bought a small cake for ZJ, sec 4 I mixed up his birthday due to post-olvl frenzy, so yepp finally he had his surprise haha. =D

Today after lesson I ent to visit MindCafe. Felt really great, to be back, to be recognized, to be missed. Marco was telling me that actually he needed me that few weeks, and even now, since there had been problems he need to handle in his kitchen, and in other things as well, he hoped that I could be there to help the new part timers. Sigh, no time lehh, no choice. Maybe I'll be back on Dec?

Then, I visited Samy, had a great chat too, and had lots of inputs and facts on lots of lots of things. As i always think, he is the most dedicated teacher Ive ever seen. Though no longer his student, he always go the extra mile to help me, to push us, to motivate, inspire and enrich us. One example how to spot a good teacher, I was saying about moe teachers that calledup parents of half the class who did not do homework, and he replied, I would call up the half the class who DID the homework to praise them, and perhaps give a few bonus marks for them, because they deserve it as they complete their assignments, and those who did not simply lose out, without disrupting their life, in case for crazy kiasu parents.

Then, I went touring bras basah, before settling down at the national library cafe to read up stuffs on the internet, and then went in to grab a book and sleep =D Hey at least I skimmed through half the book =D but I was really tired.

As for tomorrow, gotta collect scholarship invitations, and perhaps sent out to the invited guests, and then fri gotta go for some talk. Sat Sun same old.