So this is xmas........
What have you done????

Well, this year was so rough for me.....
Failures, changes, debts and more.....

Currently heavily in debt.
Well, I had cancelled the xmas party but decided to revive it again
cuz I came across an article talking about 3 things:

1, to receive what you could get
2, to do what you can do
3, keep memories

At least, with these few xmas gatherings, some memories could retain, could be refreshed.

Will not lose the 80% I have to chase the ideal 20%.
Nothing is perfect anyway.
I should just be contented with what I have,
and remember task specificity.

Sub-cultures are formed due to difference in personality and interests.
Dont have to have a group that could do every single thing you do.
Ofcoz, some had a permanent group they could turn to, I dont, face it.
So mostly would be task specificity.
Some are meant for alcohols,
some board games,
some sports,
some eat,
some shopping......

Well, some of the great things of this year is ofcoz,
yet another "close" friend for a year.
Someone who carried my bike for so long,
baked for me, bought me food automatically,
sometimes aloof but at gatherings he will try to cooperate,
he knows when my mood change then he will try liven the atmosphere.....
Dare not think about more than 1 year.
Then some new places Ive been, new stuffs Ive learnt, new people I met.

The circle of life is haunting,
as if flashing its L fingers in front of me,
taunting me that I cant do anything to break the cycle.

It's the process of establishing a connection with anyone and then it juz disconnects somehow.
As we grow up, we tend to put in more emotions inside, 
such that when we lose that connection, we lose a part of ourselves, 
we do not feel complete anymore.
But this is not the truth.
People come and go.
So YOLO...... Live life to the fullest... treasure every moment.........

This few days really party all the way.
from the cycling trip where we saw casualty,
then the next night is Timbre Arts House,
where C sabo-ed me to sing I'm Yours on stage.
The band was our formal bds teacher Mr Ghaz. Goodfellas.
So then I sang, and even added some comical actions and interactive calls.
The audience enjoyed it!
Then the Flaming Tower! The tables around was clapping upon gulping it down.
Then we walked to tanjong pagar, to bugis, to farrer park, for first train.
Slept 3h.

Then it was friend bday.
I was 1 of the only 2 with retro themed outfit.
Thought it was awkward, but the after party was great!
VIP KBOX room with pool and street fighter!!
It's really great that he had such a great boss to treat him that.
Felt so happy for him to be recognized at work.
Ended ktv at 4am.
Slept 4h.

Right.........
gonna start tmr with volunteering caroling all the way at Sembawang!
Woohoo! excited!
After all, im most happy with music and volunteerism.
This is both at the same time!

What a day.

Today went for a last min cycling trip.

During the trip stopped by the payalebar Lao Jie bak kut teh. They had the culture to don on sesame n chilli sauce instead of the normal thick sweet sauce. 

Then we went MBS again. Anyway 2 days back we saw Jackie at MBS!! For his gala premier which I didn't win. He is the only humble celebrity that would shake as much hands, he even went back to the other side if the red carpet as he first shook the hands of the ppl on the left. 

Anyway yea then halfway down the road we saw a man lying on the middle if the road, we called the ambulance. Shall not comment on this, but as suggestion, they should send few of the paramedics to the  casualty first then they communicate where to park their van, at least they could assess the situation. I mean, some of us may have no clue about traffic n ambulance. Also, have sense of emergency. Do not just expect casualty to answer even if he is conscious. He is in great pain I suspect extreme gastric till liver failure, that he curled up twisted n stiff. 

So yea. Well Ktv yesterday was bad too, was pissed at first till wc saved us. Then we were stranded at Changi and luckily C agreed to help even though he was on bed!!!! Omg great friend!! 

Other than that I guess sometimes its good to just let it be, why the need of all the reunion... Though was closer to some, but then like could have just meet for dinner. 

Schedule keep piling up. Cash tight. Still seeking for happiness, but a quote I advised to friend hit me, to not lose the 80% u have to pursue perfection of remaining 20%, perfection in imperfection, taiji.... 

Badminton today with ZG and BW and J was great, it's been long since a formidable foe for badminton. Great match, good fun!

Juz now a good friend of mine told me a truth of my kids.

It seems like the kids are finding my "chinese teaching" lame and boring.

Initially my thought is that well that's what most ppl nowadays would react, who cares?

But now, I thought it over, these "culture" is supposed to motivate them and make them a better person, so is their mindset is that those are lame, then wouldnt it mean that they dont give a damn? then its pointless? although what I thought initially is that it will be a subconscious thing jsut like Tang Poems and BPMF pinyin during my kindergarten.

Anyway, part of the reason is I guess I am getting bored? Not exactly bored in terms of no passion, is more of those disappointed type of bored, when u see no result despite persistence and as usual, I would wonder "why bother? why cling on? why force something thats not gonna happen"

Next year, after FYP, guess I have to change a lifestyle, to venture where I would belong for the next year.

Timbre night at substation was great, we actually found out that the band Goodfellas consist of our former sec sch teacher. So cool! The coincidental part is where we were talking about our teachers, and talking about him, and then he went up the stage with that nostalgic distinct voice. Great time looking at them enjoying the night~ I always believed, if the world makes more great music, the world is a happier place.

Before that was a tiring day out at Ubin, this outing was rather good, the pace is good. Not too much of dragging time, there was conversation here and there, weather was hot and cold, in an interesting rhythm, and thus to me the pace was really great. One thing we've learnt is to eat to sustain stomach only at Ubin and eat at Changi Village.

Other than these...........
Still as lost in life, felt so empty yet no space, really unsure what I am feeling.

There comes a time
When nothing rhymes
Where you no longer know where on to hold
But to drown on music and alcohol.....

Tuishou is over.

I must say, it is an interesting and exciting competition.

For once after the competition I felt I have benefited alot. it is really unlike those routine competition where we are seeing the same thing again and again, just competing who got the least mistakes. This is more fun, you will never know how is the opponent until on stage. Though I might have preferred sanda, but I guess this requires more technique than sanda.

The bad thing is that during this competition, I was rather distracted about my project that is about to due. Looks like right now all is well. Great =) must really thank my team members for all the hardwork, efforts, and help.

=) ciao.

The week passed, Hossan Leong was brilliant at the theater works, French Kiss in Singapore.

The plot is basically narrating the lives of 4 well known french musicians, with their notable songs.

However, in midst, all the movements, such as when they were drunk, or playing a fool, or broken hearted, was soooo brilliantly choreographed. The pulling of ties especially, how they tangle up each other and break them free again, and the use of simple props for a very delicate style of dance.

Hossan never fails to keep audiences entertained when he dressed up in different characters, and making funny faces, impersonating voices, silly actions. He is really talented beyond words. His fluency and french is remarkable!

I think I shall work towards being a stage actor, at least one production in my whole life! It would be an accomplishment!

I will perhaps start with directing a short video, with plot, comedy, expressions, and music.

Then, will  work towards musical.......

Well, today I had an accomplishment, to lose 5kg in 2 weeks plus! I was 82kg during the weigh in!

Hahas, yea anyway found out that my competition is on Sun, omgosh everything clashing, project, reflection, competition, shows........ sigh.........

Well, today after settling the project stuffs, had badminton. I think I made up my mind not to invite a certain person anymore, like everytime at a corner using phone, so socially awkward, and will make mood down....... but they are fine alone, so shall leave them alone in the future....... then I donno, maybe my efforts are brought across displeasing?

Like at times Im really tired and needed help, but all you do was moan and doubt and reluctant, I wonder if its really fair to me? My good intentions constantly doubted, oh well..... Like I think alot of times I initiated to provide your needs without being asked to, sometimes I ask you for favour and you cant/unwilling to deliver...... (not specific to one person, is collective)

Other than that, still struggling whether or not to go cell, like I think all our hearts not into it anymore, the bond just breaks...... and I dont know.... like I dont really see the effort to show care and concern to our problems........ maybe too much things to worry, but yea lorh, is like....... not sure how to put it across, nvm...

This year is a rather bad year, I made up my mind I shall just explore the city again, less with outings anymore. Maybe one of two ppl is alright, but not too many, and shall work towards appreciation of arts, culture and music. Some part of me shall try to be an entertainer or some form, I see a classmate chasing that dream, I shall embark on mine too!

Today morning didnt start off great, I knew it my parents gonna make a huge fuss over the red packet. Sigh, have no idea what to do. To them, the sincerity is not there, not to mention the efforts and gifts, then they started to link to all the other stuffs i do, they kept moaning they dont see the ROI, all they think is that I am wasting money away.

Sigh...... sometimes I seriously rather be a spoilt kid, drown in riches, that I can spent all I want on anyone I want and they dont give a shit. I mean others are encouraging volunteerism, mine is like "dont mind other ppl business"...........

The biggest news is they think I am underpaid and wishes that I quit teaching.......
Sigh.......

Then, lots of work to be done on proj, and all the social stuffs that suddenly juz flood in...... off to night cycle in a short while, tmr try to do reflection and log book, then cycle again, then dinner, then wed proj whole day, evening meet, NE talk, then proj again, thur proj, then Hossan Leong, fri bball, wushu.......

Today I was the videographer for Kaiyu and Winnie's wedding.

Got a frame for them as well as a DIY photo of them in it, along with a wedding 'storybook". Expenditure: $38 + $14 + $2 + $1.

Anyway, yea glad I didnt screw up, in the end though I ordered excess macdonald's, the sister managed to finish them.

Well, the first wedding I actually followed all the way through and helped video the moments. It was really really tiring. Never knew so much to do on a wedding. Anyway, had a rough idea of my future wedding "if have".

Some funny ideas are to gatecrash from the windows with hooks and ropes, so shall think how to do it in a safe way. The gatecrash must have a cool theme hahas, maybe some military actions with simulation smokebombs, flashbangs and grenades. It would be so cool~!

Then the whole wedding itself, dinner and march in is so cliche, must change the theme abit, must have drama or musical numbers hahas. These so that guests wont feel that they are there just for a wedding but for some entertainment as well.

Then, the pre-wed, wedding photography in interesting poses in unusual backdrop like water, cliff or zombie apocalypse, with action themed instead of just still portraits. The cakes, DIY ourselves, the ring also customized some cool unusual ring, no need too expensive.  The music, some sexy salsa and upbeat music. Def wedding dance! Perhaps self written and composed song too, will be cool!

Then, no need too much guests, no need too high class place, some casual lively place, enjoying the party to the fullest.

Hmmmmm......

Yea so, 2 huge part of my life gonna change, first is cell group, since the leader is wedded, now wushu, the leader also wedded, how would these areas change?

It was just one year, when we have reached our peak and then fall back to square one, almost in both areas of my life. At cell, from 4 to 10 to 4 again, at wushu from 1 to 3 to 2 now. And the results, disappointing. Sigh. What a year this year. I mean like just last year and the previous year when there were so much warmth and joy in christmas, this year, the invite list is so limited, might as well lump all to one day.

But then again, saw online about an article about how life goes on, we get busier, we started to dont mind "missing out", thus more time spent on ourselves. Makes sense.

I felt Im getting more and more negative every day, have no idea when did I started to be like this. Have to change, have to get back up, have to cheer up........

Oh well, next task, the major project =)

Internship has ended....

Ystd had a simple dinner with bds ppl, but I guess dinner with wushu was more lively, we dig up every rumors on Jo and had a great laugh. Then I felt rather unfair to them cuz months back I was thinking like we do not have much activities together anymore and they don't enjoy volunteering or food touring so at that moment I thought I should prioritize another group instead. Then that dinner made me reflect I was damn dumb. I mean like the group that frequently make me laugh until lose weight (cuz abs too pain, burn alot calories) is this group.

It was like those childhood friends once in awhile meet but had so much fun n laughter. But everyone has their own paths, like 3 idiots. 

Sigh today going to fix cam n try out coffee place at Everton. Obviously anything that requires spending of money is highly frown upon by parents. But to think of it, there is nth that I do that really make them support. I don't get it. When other people trying to find comfort at home after pressured in society, their parents were supportive. But mine? They always think I'm wrong, always think I'm incapable, always think I'm just screwed up. Hurts. In society, nth goes well for me, I screwed every single shit there is in life. Sigh.

Seriously these series of misfortune makes me realize what the fuck am I of use in life. Is there anything in society that really suits me, that I'm actually good at? I never thought I would have suicidal thoughts, but these days at I lean on the escalator up to plaza sing or look out my window I seriously feel like taking a short cut in life, I mean, it's really just a simple act, though a selfish one, but still life will go on as usual eventually. The river won't stop for a rock rooted in the middle, it will flow on. 

Sigh..... Future is so bleak, what can I really do in life? What must I do in life? Entertainment is like the only things that gets me not think about life and let me carry on.... Not just the arts field, but every  single thing on life, coffee, wine, martial arts, music, etc...... Without these, the impulses are high..... 

What else will I screw up?

My greatest fear now is that I might screw up the wedding which my friend hired me as the videographer. It's a lifetime event, pls have mercy on me.

Tiring today, but managed to cut down loads on food.

Entire day, my intake would be mee pok, tofu, siew mai, soya bean, 100 plus, then plain water all the way~

Then, after training went to meet friends, initially they wanted to come bedok find me for that few moments before training.

Good day today, work is rather peaceful, I want a instaphoto contest, and good start in project, and good friends around.

Anyway, came through a post and I felt it's brilliant, thus gonna reblog from lonelyreload.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone wants to live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room.

Everybody wants that, it's easy to want that.

If I ask you, "What do you want out of life?" and you say something like, "I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like," it's so ubiquitous that it doesn't even mean anything.

Everyone wants that. So what's the point?

What's more interesting to me is what pain do you want? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives end up.

Everyone wants riches and good relationship, life like drama, but how many willing to sit through the long hours of corporate work or to discuss awkward silences and tough decisions. 

Because happiness requires struggle. You can only avoid pain for so long before it comes roaring back to life.

At the core of all human behavior, the good feelings we all want are more or less the same. Therefore what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we're willing to sustain.

What determines your success is "What pain do you want to sustain?"

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all.

So I ask you, "How are you willing to suffer?"

Because you have to choose something. You can't have a pain-free life. It can't all be roses and unicorns.

Choose how you are willing to suffer.

Because that's the hard question that matters. Pleasure is an easy question. And pretty much all of us have the same answer.

The more interesting question is the pain. What is the pain that you want to sustain?

Because that answer will actually get you somewhere. It's the question that can change your life. It's what makes me me and you you. It's what defines us and separates us and ultimately brings us together.

So what's it going to be?

Read more: http://www.lonelyreload.com/#ixzz2lOQLJU63

Pitbull New song is great, Timber.

Well these days, quite alot of stuffs pressuring.

First is intern, I gotta start on the reflections stuff,
Then is project, cuz need to think about proposal.
Then is my life direction.

Kindda lost these days.
Sometimes I dont even know what I am feeling.
It's a kind of melo.
It's like sometimes I really like to drown myself in music,
drink myself to slp, really felt so meaningless.
Then, hoping for some ppl to catch up,
but convo stop halfway,
and dont wanna start talking about others life,
cuz will be received as KPO and annoying.

It's like sometimes I feel that my expression is wrong.
Talking to ppl about myself do not mean ice will break.
What makes a friend?
Wishing for a penpal now........

Jolie in her awards said,
Nothing is anything if you lead a life not as use to others.
Well said!

The xmas planning made me think hard of life again.
I browsed through the old albums,
So happening. But.......
I cant even fill a list of 20 on the list.
Maybe 10 is a struggle.

Then I look at other ppl,
All the gatherings, and dinner, and happenings,
They seem to be able to maintain a big group for years.
I know there is this element of "bobian-ness",
but cant help wondering if i could change it.

Kept having so many events,
everything good for too long cease to retain its effect...
sometimes too much of it became a "chore" to ppl,
they started to feel like a "forced"
they start to get bored.

Hmm, aiya, shall not plan anything and let ppl find me liao.
Gonna juz focus on my competition coming.
Today learnt alot from TS.

Must lose weight !!!!!! lose 4kg~~~
JYJY!!!!!!!!
Cuz my current weight is heayweight category,
too many foes, must cut to the category before.

Goodbye to you my trusted friend 
We've known each other since we were nine or ten 
Together we've climbed hills and trees 
Learned of love and ABC's 
Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees 
These few days sux to the core! After all the disappointments on Fri and Sat....
Today I was called KPO and Irritating..... OMG cant take it, so embarrassing in the train...... heng got tissue
Like wtf sia i give up on everything, so ridiculous that concern is taken as annoyance.......
Goodbye my friend it's hard to die 
When all the birds are singing in the sky 
Now that spring is in the air 
Pretty girls are everywhere 
Think of me and I'll be there 
Guess this week is really not my week, or rather since last wed, been either rushing or late,
and problems kept arising, and Im starting to lose direction in life, 
seriously clueless what am i gonna do in my life. 
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time 
Friends come and go, was juz discussing about it with a friend the other day (ironically), gonna accept it, kindda funny that I used to wonder why girls kept getting into rs and keep breaking yet they are still trying.... looks like friendship works the same way. either betrayed or drift....
Goodbye Papa please pray for me 
I was the black sheep of the family 
You tried to teach me right from wrong 
Too much wine and too much song 
Wonder how I got along 
Sigh..... not gonna care anymore,
let this year be the last year, 
think shall cancel all the upcoming gatherings
Goodbye papa it's hard to die 
When all the birds are singing in the sky 
Now that the spring is in the air 
Little children everywhere 
When you see them I'll be there
just make no sense, perhaps im just not that good anymore,
to organize such stuffs.... 
im tired of friendship already...... Misanthrope shall I be
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone 
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone 
Call me petty or what, but im fed up
maybe im not the kind of 'fun" friends in a sense
I tease little... thats me, or perhaps i have other flaws, thats me
Goodbye Michelle my little one 
You gave me love and helped me find the sun 
And every time that I was down 
You would always come around 
And get my feet back on the ground 
For once I gonna be selfish,
it's me, my life and I from this day on.....
I was about to change my blog address...... guess it stays after all......
Goodbye Michelle it's hard to die 
When all the birds are singing in the sky 
Now that the spring is in the air
With the flowers everywhere 
I wish that we could both be there 
Came across a quote that day, 
that says we are not happy if we try to seek it,
I guess thats true, but how do I get it without with seeking it?
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time 
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone 

What a tiring day!

At midnight yesterday, just as I was about to sleep, J called me to say he is stuck at Airport cashless and thus have to cab to my house for me to pay. So then I started doing project and completed it by 3am.

This morning, invited the cell for a pizza party, supposedly for CH due to the bus stop, but then I think he eat little only. Supposedly also to celebrate holiday for n and O lvl ppl. Anyway the atmosphere was so awkward.

Was pissed in the beginning cuz they were complaining about helping me to get the pizza, like wow, now I see how big of a burden is that to u....... totally so different that the one who carry my bike from katong to my house, or to take ever bus record when I overslept. I mean..... I was totally disappointed.

To think that some complete stranger bothered to heed my advise and was more appreciative than closed ppl in my life. I guess ppl take friendship for granted too much already. Was just talking about friendship with another friend the day before, when I visit SCC again after so long, and played colour catching like the old days hahas. And even had ppl crying as we leave.

Then at MindCafe, atmosphere was so different. Like I used to be able to have fun mindcafe trips with different groups of people, but I guess the best times are still with Wushu friends.

Kindda make me think of Task-Specific social support, where people go to different friends for the "benefit" of different needs. Like you approach a gaming friend for game, a sports friend for outdoor, etc. But lately I guess I was trying to adopt the hierarchical-compensation model but seems to still be traps in the convoy model.

What makes a friend a friend sia, if just for the "benefit", then its so fake lorh, sigh.. vanities of vanities, all is vanities!!!

Sigh. Anyway, anyway today just gets me thinking, why the in the world did I bother to do all these again, like I have not been organizing anything much, life goes on, why the trouble, and not getting the kind of appreciation I think I should have.

Totally no mood to play in the middle of it, but then seeing how some of them bothered to try to save the atmosphere to buy snacks and introduce games, and at least laugh. Hate party pooper so much, the world dont give a damn how u feel until you deprive others og their rightful share of happiness they would otherwise have.

As I said lorh, donno nevermind, at least give the damn to try, to act, to force yourself to like it, cuz positive psychology concludes that forcing yourself to like something will one day make you actually like it for real. At least make an effort to try.

I mean, I dont know why always have this kind of ppl in a group as always, why cant I have a perfect group of like minded fun and adventurous group of ppl.

Sigh.

Then me on the other hand trying to be hero make what shit differences, whole loads of bullshit, my parents are right, why spend so much money on ppl when I cant even feed myself.

Guess the only good times I had was to teach a friend to play pool and to catch up with an old old friend.

Sigh...... so many things these days!! whats wrong with me???!?!?!?! why so troubled, so stuck, so lost....... What the hell i wanna do in life man....... what should I do, what should I pursue, what exactly do I want?! It's like all chasing after the wind, so futile! 

So tired....... shall slp early.. nitez!

Red on my knuckles, dry on my throat. 

No worries, I simple vent them on the wall.

Sigh, was really tired, tried to have a good sleep in the sofa, wants to go for a good beer but decided to come home for the home cooked dinner.

Who knows, as I wake up, quarreled with parents till now.

Today is just not my day. 

Morning late for bus stop, luckily a friend was soooo great that he wrote down EVERY SINGLE DAMN BUS until I wake up........ gosh soososoososososooooo grateful!!

Then, cab to work, in the end jam till $22.

Sigh........

Anyway, yea, low on cash these days, then mum came demanding explanations for my expenditures. Well, on my part, I seriously couldnt feel it every time as I eat it cost up to 20-30, that amount seemed so small until it snowballed into hundreds of dollars.

But then, she kept lamenting about me treating people around me. I know I owe them for a living, but then again, I have kept to my means. I spent within my budget, I no longer need to ask for their money other than the 200 they gave for simple meals, phone and transportation.

In my point of view, what is a dollar saved today when it would depreciate in the near future, rather to spend it on people around me, who mostly had not enjoyed gourmet food or been to places in singapore. Why to cling on a fading dollar when you can make a little difference to a person's life, that could widen their horizon for greater understanding of the world around them.

It really makes a great difference. Before my financial freedom from part time work, I have been a frog in a well in Singapore. There are so many places I have never been to, so many food I have never tried. Being in a well can really be depressing, you start looking at the world so small so lifeless, and you start being pessimist, starting to find a bleak world out there, starting to feel that the dark cloud above the well is the only bleak outlook of life, failed to see that somewhere, there can still be light.

My principle of life is to share the world I live in. I understand the struggles to live, especially with money. Why keep thinking that money can solve everything? Why kept thinking that money is the essential essence of life? Why kept thinking about "what if fall sick need go hospital"? Why kept thinking money spent is money wasted? It's so depressing to see how money had been a center of your life. 

I mean, as young as I am, as spoilt as I am, I spent within my means, still living fine, I guess that is good enough. I understand the burden of 8 mouths to feed in my future, but that is future, why let the future deprive me of a great teenhood. I have no great talents nor rich friends that might be of use in the future, but there is a reason it is so. As long as I find happiness in them I guess I am alright. Everyone has hobbies, let's just say mine is to make a difference. And I got nothing much to make a difference other than just to eat drink and be merry. And so be it.

Sigh....... what difference could i actually make to the future with these petty sums of money. not like I can invest into something and let it grow, provided Im not dumb enough to screw it up, or what great business could I come up with. I mean look at you, in the end, you are no better..... one of you is still under some boss, unwilling to change a trade, to change a marketing strategy, to expand product line, and another is still a housewife, what happened to all the great food u can make, the great yogurt you make? Not like I have not given you ideas to make it big, you refuses, then, given my limited time, what can I do at this moment? 

Anyway whatever the case, money still wins, will be rather frugal for the next half a month, for I had not much left.

Work has been okay for me nowadays.

Rather, it was all the events and catch ups that are making me physically tired.

Well anyway, went to watch Grandma Mary at the Esplanade on Nov 7.

She was really awesome. She was able to solo Carlos Santana on a Electric Guitar!

Then she got up to sing, and even dance! Wow look at her spinning and twirling and twisting and swirling....

My hero!

Admired her so much, able to learn what she like, and really succeed in it.

Most importantly, the band that was playing with her, I loved that Guy's vocal soooo much! So rich! and good control! wow!

Sigh, though I know we should all be contented in our lives, appreciate what we were given, but I dont.Frankly i hate my looks my voice my everything. I mean dont have to be like number 1, no need be prince charming, no need be superstar, at least a decent look, that contains a nice natural smile, a friendly face, a nice voice, and an in-tuned voice.

Sigh....... everytime listen to ppl sing, so envious........ but i cant just dont listen, cuz I really cant likve without music...... sigh...... what a curse...

Made up my mind! Maybe I should hold my passion on musical instruments first and work on my vocal. For some class that able to change my voice. Hmm..... shall start saving money for that.........

在你辉煌的时刻 让我为你唱首歌
我的好兄弟 心里有苦你对我说
前方大路一起走 哪怕是河也一起过
苦点累点 又能算什么

When you are doing well, let me rejoice with you,
My friend, lay your troubles on me,
We shall walk through the future together
What is toil when we got each other?

 在你需要我的时候 我来陪你一起度过
我的好兄弟 心里有苦你对我说
人生难得起起落落 还是要坚强的生活
哭过笑过 至少你还有我

When you need me, I will be there,
My firned, lay your troubles on me,
Life is ups and downs, yet we still gotta brace through life
Through tears of happiness tears of sorrows, I am still here

朋友的情谊呀比天还高 比地还辽阔
那些岁月我们一定会记得
朋友的情谊呀我们今生 最大的难得
像一杯酒 像一首老歌

A friendship is forged, higher than the sky, wider than the earth
May the memories we shared last forever
A friendship is forged, precious than anything else
Worth more than an old wine, more than an old song

Read via LonelyReload,
Some articles that says that perhaps breaking up with a good friend is more hurtful than breaking up with a relationship. I guess I have to agree. I personally lost a few friends, through losing contact, drifting, death, and migration. The thing is, I guess, drifting is the worst. I mean, there is no reason for drifting, nothing to blame, and that friendship just fades away slowly. Sigh.......

http://www.gotquestions.org/parable-laborers-vineyard.html

Basically farming was a tedious job in that time. So the owner of a vineyard hired a group of ppl, he said "I will pay you one denarius for a day of work". Calculating the economic situation, that was indeed generous enough. So then as the day go by he hired more and more groups of ppl, but subsequently, he said to them, "work for my vineyard and I will pay you what is right". 

So then the time comes when they receive their wages, the earliest group was shocked that last group who worked for merely an hour gets one denarius, equal to them. They were angry about it. The owner said, "are you envy of my generosity?" 

The problem was not that they were paid less but the attitude and envy that others were paid more by grace.The problem lies when we actually compare. Actually my internship is bearable, just that as I compare to the other departments, or other internships company, I felt unfair, I felt worst off, but hat doesnt mean it is not what I deserve.Comparison is bad. Whether u compare with the better or the worst, you are either saddened or proud, both are not good, encourages envy, wrath, selfishness, pride, arrogance and oppression. 

Towards othersDont be Competitive.

Towards yourselvesDont be Conceited.

We are designed in such a way that it is hard to kick our part and hard to pat our backs, because that was meant for others to do for u. Today, I am so much more motivated. 

A friend told me that actually i should not be affected by my parents views and remarks too much, since it's all just the matter of perspective, of what is of worth. Since I've been doing it, just carry on, YOLO, no second thoughts....... he commented that I am one of the influence in life, makes me feel so great! more valued, more dignified, more  motivated in life.......

 Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls....

Still....... Rejoice~~

Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little 
Can barely stand on my feet (Take a look at yourself) Take a look in the mirror and cry (and cry) Lord what you're doing to me (yeah yeah) I have spent all my years in believing you But I just can't get no relief, Lord! Somebody (somebody) ooh somebody (somebody) Can anybody find me somebody to love ? 

Yesterday I met with a great friend of mine. He helped me greatly during O levels, and even in my poly years. I had never walked away from him learning nothing new. So he commented I was awesome. That moment, I was really in cloud nine.

Anyway today, it was my off day, so as usual I called up a few friends for a feast. Then now I thought back, sometimes, seriously, why do I always have this mindset to always spend unnecessary. Maybe a part of me wouldn't mind to literally "buy" a companion for a day. But to think of it, chocolates, $110 worth of chocolates for people who I either dont mean often, or probably wont see me through another 10 years, is it worth it? I mean part of the reason was that I like to have huge feasts, cuz I seldom have that, and part of it was because I want to taste as many types of gourmet as possible. 

But come to think of it, I do enjoy sitting at a bar with a live band playing some good tunes, or just some peace by the beach, or stare at the stars at rooftops. Then, it became rather irritating with the label "gay", like I know at times I may be particular about things such as cleanliness of table, or that my language of love as touch dominance, but then seriously, is it that bad? What if I am really one? What stereotypes were actually false? How would a real one behave? How different would their lifestyle be? Gays are socially constructed, may I should really find out more about this "culture".... Hmm... curious.... 

The reason why Im not into romance, is that I really find all those lame and meaningless, what is marriage more than compatibility, willingness to walk down the path of life, and for continuity? A part of life, which some may not even take it. I mean if I had to deal with the stress of raising a good kid, might as well adopt and nurture one than to take the risk of creating one bad kid right. All the romance and theories and act, it's jsut a matter of emotions that drives the world, and choices, sacrifices, and time, you just gotta juggle your time well, and when u cant, just sacrifice some thoughts to do some great acts and ta-da hollywood romance. 

I dont have a charming look, neither I have much talents in anything, and rather lazy, and dont seem to get along with ppl well, and most ppl I close with lasts a year before I or they simply moved on, all in all P.J is still right, Im just that happy time guy, I find that Im easy moved and touched by simple acts of kindness for me, what if they are pretentious? Am I that naive? Seriously, I am sick of tired of chasing for some long lasting friendship or relationship, I rather have children that I could teach and nurture, at least more worth it, but then again as they grow up we will just be rather distant again. Human relationship is just so absurd, pointless, ridiculous. Perhaps Gulliver is a wise man, being a misanthrope.

In God we trust, in human we distant......... hahas words of a misanthrope......

Watched the episode of "On the Red Dot", the episode on Kids Extraordinaire.

I came across those kids. I think they're really really blessed to be a blessing.

Jiajia and Bigbro has really really good heart doing all the volunteering work. They were exposed to volunteerism at a young age and are willing to sacrifice their time to make a difference in the lives of others. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er4Xh-63nAQ

Then it's Miguel Antonio! Yepp the one I came across at Beerfest and Timbre. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lrg1A7A2Co

Gerald Tan is amazing, calling the shots on Ge Tai  management. Wow!

Lim Ding Wen is another amazing kid! He started computer at 2, and released iphone app at 9, mastering languages such as Java and Pascal, it's really amazing! Creme de la creme, he even surpassed his father in app making. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lim_Ding_Wen

Lastly, it's M. Ritwan, it's really amazing how he can brace through all the speech and mobile impairments, and could now live almost in a normal state. Seeing his situation seriously made me feel that we are all so weak in the world. How I really wish to actually help people like him in the future.

Anyway, yea for all these cases, family support is so important. It is their parents who had taught them great values from young, esp for Jiajia Bigbro, and instill their gracious heart and groom them to be a blessing in life. How I wish my parents were more of such heroes, than doing nothing much for the past 10 years, being rather stingy on everything and seriously putting selves first then others. Sigh. But then again, compared to other problematic family, guess I'm lucky enough. My next generation will be better! I will aim to raise superkids, that are superheroes of the ordinary lives, who could all find joy and purpose in helping, find the passion of life. The mroe I feel so useless stuck int he internship rather than doing some volunteering work in my community. Sigh.

How I also wish that people around me are as awesome as these kids, to make themselves more useful to do all these community work, to bring joy to people, to be less troubled by lame and trivial things in life, to really make a difference in Singapore.

Sigh. but then again, teens are teens, these kindda thing must really start young. And also parents are parents, volunteerism is often seen as wasting resources, good for nothing kindda work. Sigh. I hope that I could groom the next batch to wushu kids to be volunteerism oriented, values-loaded, vantage thinkers, veteran martial artist. Ambitious indeed......

Right now situation is that I am always careless, either that or situation is new and I have no experience in handling, and out of own initiative I tend to make mistakes.

As much as company ppl are disappointed And angry and keep scolding, I just apologize again and again hiding my emotions.

Bottling up the anger n frustration causes harm to my mood and ppl around me esp at home. It is not healthy. Violence building up, I have no idea when is my limit.

Maybe just dont have potential here, I am just not suited, it's misallocation of resources. Not that I'm not trying it that they are incapable but it's just not my thing. Fruitless persistent is in vain, a stupid wooden log can't lay eggs, what is the point? No one at fault, is just no fengshui....

This goes on I doubt I get a good appraisal anyway, should I persevere on or just give up? Might prevent further damages to company anyway. I'm coming from a remorse, guilty, hedonist point of view instead of complains and anger towards company, so company is not at fault.

Grateful that I have great friends to keep encouraging me, tearing for the push they kept giving me. Few times was so overwhelmed with appreciation for some colleagues.  Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.  This is working life... How am I gonna survive on? In the future??? 

It's exactly 1 and a half months left of my intern.

However, I really have no idea how much longer I can take it.

I mean, if you look at the physical side of it, actually it is nothing. I mean if you are numb enough to all the mental pressure, it's nothing. But seriously, working everyday, knowing that no one appreciates you, and the job means nothing to me except more a paper cert, and it's not meaningful at all, doesnt make a difference on earth, what for??? Is all there worth it?

Here I am, trying to tend to every customer needs, and I get comments like "Customer do not like", and that one incident (which apparently not my customer), caused the supervisor to think I have a bad attitude, and commented that I should serve more with heart and not to get rid of phone calls. Then, being solo in Ecom, need to clear emails, I know I am slow, but I'm working on it, and then complain I take too little phone calls. Then, ask qn, they would say I kept asking, no ask question, they say why I no initiative to ask.

Then, everything I do, though a lot of new cases which I get the privilege to see how the company handles all different types of situation, I am also wrong. I mean, lots of case for me is new. As much as I love the gaining knowledge part, at least give some appreciation?

I am halfway there, it will seriously be "Ban Tu Er Fei", literally. Yet, still, if I walked till the end, only to get lousy remarks and appraisal, how is that worth my time? When i can always do much more meaningful stuffs.

I didnt get as bad as my friend though. But seriously, I think I seriously do not suit this environment. I cant multi ask, I am clumsy, I am slow. Sigh. Then all in all I gotta suck thumb and absorb all the indirect sarcasm and seeing so many ppl "disappointed" in me. Sigh.

And if you wanna compare, I think I perform better than my colleagues? At least more emails sent out, more phone calls handled, but its forever seems like they are against me. Am I really that bad? Where should I belong? The thugs? The mugs? The murderer? Gosh, if this is the future world, I seriously rather be dead. Where is humanity? Where is compassion? Where is understanding? And unique purposes?

I guess I shall discuss this with my parents. Perhaps it's really not worthwhile to put up with all these shit. I mean, I can always look at the bright side, cuz endure all the way, be robots, be dumb ppl, be dogs, but why should I forgo my ego, my dignity, my freedom of speech, for something that should not put a thumb on me, should not affect my life, should not give in to?

I got so much more more meaningful things to do in life, or at least still searching for it, why must I be stuck here, waste my time on it?

Just as I was moaning and dying pushing the punctured bike from Chung Cheng to Katong, he pushed it all the way to my house. OMGosh, seriously touched by someone that did sooooo much for something could be sooooo trivial to me! Instead of waiting for a lorry or van, we actually did it carry it back home. Seriously raged at whoever who sabotaged by bike a second time as I fixed it before locking it at Katong. Yet, as everything has a positive and negative, I gained a really really awesome friend. Yet to this person, I was never close into his life, he seemed struggling with some sort of friendship problem, but I felt so useless that I am unable to break into it despite all the psychology background.

Yesterday was off day,
A great break especially on Mid Autumn.

Surprising enough,
four days of feeling burning inside
and headache, and sore throat,
it all recovered ystd.
On top of that, I woke up early, full of energy.

Finished my chores early noon,
it took me lesser time to sweep and mop and wash clothes this time,
then off to cut my hair,
and repaired my bike,
along with clearing the rust off the bike.
Then, while waiting for dq,
cleaned the windows, and piano, and the 25 years old player,
and my display cabinet.

Felt so productive!

Then, we went to MBS for dinner before proceeding to
Gardens by the Bay for the lantern display.
This year, the display was huge!
It was all over the garden.
Seeing kids running around,
with genuine smiles and laughter......
Pity that in my childhood I didnt liked celebrations.
Perhaps the most memorable was in my relative house,
C and Y. With SY SL.
Those were the days.......

Took many photographs there.
But was so plain.
People enjoyed the occasions in groups of pair,
I had none.. yet.....

Why do parents like to take photographs so much?
I guess it's because that these are the only times
where they are able to see the smiles of children,
and when they are still willing to come out with you,
and enjoyed these festivals and moments with you.
When they are older, they wont be tagging along anymore,
and speaks lesser, and simple just drifts until perhaps old age.

Photographs........
Well I guess it's good to take photographs too,
it's a form of appreciation for whoever who made the creation.
Either human art forms and inventions or God's natural creation,
it's still appreciation.

Started my Intern at Chan Brothers.
Due to company policy I have no idea what could be shared and all....
So to be save, I shall not share anything.
But anyway it was really tiring.
Training was only 2 days,
Today managed to secure a sale for Japan tour.
I guess Im quite okay with the job,
just that the long hours and no off days
made me sick.

Had fever today morning,
thus waking up every hour to drink water.
Now throat still irritating,
trying to heal fast,
but got a feeling that if I dont go TCM soon,
it will develop into some big big fever again.
Shall go TCM on my off day,
as well as Mid Autumn celebration with family on that night.

Seeing kids playing lanterns and sparkles,
really wish that I have kids of my own now....
miss the days where I can still play these with kids from Pop or SCC.......
Eating the Jelly Mooncake a good friend gave, bit by bit.
Really, seldom people actually make food for me.
Esp mooncake. Something culturally symbolizes I am thought of and cared.

Last year on Sep 22,
seriously missed that day, that time,
it was just like a family,
thanks to C too who suggested "Eagle catch Chicks" game.
Now, it's all apart.......
Sigh........

Today had internship briefing, it ended early, 
Thus my classmates decided to go for an east side shopping tour. 
This caused me to be late to meet a friend, I think he was pissed off.
I rushed just in time as he was about to leave home. 

We went for Manhattan Pizza Company buffet. 
The pizza are not as nice as Sarpino or Pizza Hut. 
Quantity is really big, but gets too sick of it. 

I think I ruined the day?
And coupled with the lousy pizza,
I guessed this "last moment" wasnt that good. 
Sigh. 

Really had no choice, 
I have no idea how to make it up. 
3rd time make him angry lols he is seldom angry. 
Haishh.... 

Thinking of a bday present he told me he would reject,
I really wonder if he would actually reject?? 
Hope he's bluffing..........

Without my guitar, played my Ukulele, 
played Daylight by Maroon 5. 
It was cool cuz this song was covered by Playing For Change,
where they got street performers all over the world to be part of it. 

The lyrics is sooooo relate-able. 
Though no bgr for me, 
but the thought of 3 months in intern,
6 days work week,
9h a day,
I guess I had no time for anyone already.
Furthermore I had loads of people having curfews at night. 
Guess it's the similar feeling of NSmen going in for the 2 months,
away from civilizations?? 

Daylight - Maroon 5 (feat. Playing For Change)

Here I am waiting, I'll have to leave soon
Why am I holding on?
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it come so fast?
This is our last night but it's late
And I'm trying not to sleep
'Cause I know, when I wake
I will have to slip away

     And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
     But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
     'Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
     But tonight I need to hold you so close
     Ooh whoa, ooh whoa, ooh whoa
     Ooh whoa, ooh whoa, ooh whoa

Here I am staring at your perfection
In my arms, so beautiful
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out
Somebody slow it down
This is way too hard
'Cause I know, when the sun comes up
I will leave, this is my last glance
That will soon be memory

     And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
     But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
     'Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
     But tonight I need to hold you so close
     Ooh whoa, ooh whoa, ooh whoa
     Ooh whoa, ooh whoa, ooh whoa

I never wanted to stop
Because I don't wanna start all over, start all over
I was afraid of the dark
But now it's all that I want, all that I want, all that I want

     And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
     But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
     'Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
     But tonight I need to hold you so close
     Ooh whoa, ooh whoa, ooh whoa
     Ooh whoa, ooh whoa, ooh whoa