So this is CNY again.

For the past few days, was working day to night at NTUC.
Experienced a lot, thought a lot, and enjoyed the serenity a lot.

However, when it comes to CNY, im not sure how am I feeling.
I mean, it's the occasion of laughter and happiness,
where families get together to eat reunion dinner,
talk about everything under the sun,
noisy, lively, happening....

Yet what I see is dad working,
mum preparing and being extremely tired,
me cant help out much and have to disappear to places,
especially her 2 cakes which she took 5 hours to make.

Well, all these just for one family of relative to come?
Hmm..... then dad came back from work,
tired, but still trying to tidy up the little details in the house,
mum getting injured by the bikes....
me...... well, just there in presence.

From young my family had not much tradition already,
we eat our individual meals,
we do not have culture of steamboat,
we simply live like a normal typical day.

So yea during these working days,
I thought of my purpose and all again.
Then, my future, my dad wanting me to get a high pay job,
myself do not want to do meaningless work,
and then friends, i dont know,
over the years, its really come and go,
I dont think I have a strong bond with anyone in particular.

Looking back on the posts these 2 years,
I think im living in the past,
with the same emptiness over and over again,
couldnt get ppl to bond,
couldnt do things right,
sometimes, dont even have a sms pal.

Im just waiting for the day where I can come home
with hugs form my kids
kisses from my wife
meals of a table of 8
enjoying steamboat or some zichar.

At least, then, I wont have to worry about friends too much,
cuz I wouldnt be relying on them anymore,
and I wouldnt feel this way anymore......

Year after year our tradition gets lesser people,
from 2008, till this coming 9th,
how much have we shrunk.
This year, one of us would be missing.
Gatherings after gatherings, its rare to have 4 of us together already,
I guess nothing really matters to me more than being there for ppl I love,
But Im afraid to love, afraid to devote, afraid to commit,
maybe because, I expect too much on the people I love to love back the same way I do.  

So then Let It Be,
perhaps one day,
Bo Ya could find his Zhi Yin friend.
There was a topic of conversion about crying to sleep,
the person commented it's not possible,
In my opinion, it's rather common,
Perhaps, it might be habitual to some ppl.......

 http://life-in-loneliness.blogspot.sg/2013_01_01_archive.html
CNY last year, I wrote such a wonderful quote:

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. 

Still searching for a place to belong.

Sometimes I wonder how anyone could feel self sufficient without socializing, but even in socializing there may not exist real genuine companionship, perhaps some people settle on a relationship for companionship, for at least they know the effort and time put in would not be of waste, but then in love things get complicated too.

Our need of affection is so strong, there is a fine line between selfish love and love. 

On one hand, I think most of us would desire a special person to be always on our side, always reaching out to us, always living our own world, but that desire us selfish, that's being short sighted and narrowed vision.

Maybe then, what I really desire is a purpose, a purpose to get out of bed each morning, to do something useful to someone worthy, purpose to life, or perhaps finding purpose in a life? 

Saw a cute elderly couple, both sitting at the top deck of an otherwise empty bus, side by side, hands on the seat in front, smiling. That radiance brighter than the sun out the window. Could I even have a life like that? Someone to walk through life like that, living on love. 

There is nothing new in the world, some live for the fortune, some for fame, for material goods, some to work for the slaves of financial debt, some for responsibility, but all these are meaningless, meaningless without a purpose. 

May I find one...... 

If I were to have children, I shall let them aim high from young, and to challenge them to beat a nation record in any field by the time they turn 30, to achieve half if that by 21. At least then, they would not waste their time like me.....

Scary how after I shut down the comp ystd after blogging, and this pops up: 

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

Well, I really don't know larh, a non purposeful life so far. I think every young adult will encounter this phrase of life some time in the transition part of life. 

Then just moments ago, it had updated to:

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?"

Like........ wah..... Is that random verse of the day same throughout or tailored to me?

I don't really know what I am seeking these days. There is a constant fear of the unknown of the days to come, fear of being unfruitful, fear of screwing up, fear of not doing enough, fear of not being well prepared for challenges to come.

Short post today, ciao....

The project due dates are nearing, and I still have much to do! Will spend my Wed night and Thur whole day devoted for it!

I finally found some inspiration on it! I hope I dont fail the team this time. Is like we all tried so hard, trying to give the best, but all we ever get is unreasonable grades and nonconstructive feedback, how are we to score?

Visited Samy today to get help after the long tedious Enlistment Medical Checkup in the morning, which he never fails to provide me. Well, before that, went for CNY shopping, in the end I gave in to temptation and purchased $80 worth of clothes. Wow right? Sigh. Gonna start new somewhere right?

He's a really great teacher, sometimes I wonder how miserable could he be? I mean, as a teacher, you probably helped countless people, and then you feel used as people are here only when they are in need. But seriously, he's a teacher we always remembered, as he is always inspiring, and NEVER delays to help.

Thus, on my part, I will not delay to deliver his expectations too. I mean, I think I do that to all teachers. It's like in my opinion, a teacher's help is as if a ancient secret manual to some godly martial art. It's like, precious, and I can't afford to wait too long, hoping to receive more and more guidance.

Well, not everyone would do that I know. It's his awesomeness that gained my admiration. All these years, not even being a real teacher, people are not even reaching my expectations. It's seriously not high. I see potentials, but all I ever gotten are that they disregard my demands or simply give up and shut me out. What can I do? Teacher piano, none has surpassed me, none has even the passion to continue it, teach wushu, also not here not there, teach academic, results not improving........... sigh. Push no use, scold no use, stern no use, persuade no use, nothing is delivered, no msg replied, no assignments handed, no qns asked, how to help? Sometimes my heart wrench that I have resources but couldn't help, and my soul weeps for the dryness in their cup. It's really a skill to be a teacher that could push students to unleash their potentials. 

Knowing great teachers in my life only saddened me, to think that none of their disciples or students could be as awesome as them. I think the sad part of death is not the inanimate corpse, but the fact that the legacy he/she has built over the years disintegrate and vanish into the abyss of the world. 

Aiya, shall not think so much, I mean, there is just so much I can do, I can regret that I did not persevere to  help, maybe the cycle repeats, but in the end, life will find a way, it's time I find mine.........

Ciao....

It's been a long n busy weekend again. 

Fri proj observation is cancelled, evening went for Job training which turns out to a very brief guide of MBS and the rest of the time are just stoning, very much like the job itself on Mon. 

Thus I think I wasted the whole Monday there but oh we'll easy money. 

Supposed to do that for 4 days, but it became only one, and the rest of the "money" are from a last min substitution of Mascot. It was a great deal n great fun in my opinion. 

Felt so great waving to people like celebrities and entertaining the kids. Their faces of being marveled with the cute "alien" species hahas! And how they just completely hug and lie on me, so cute!! 

Though suffocating and hot, uncomfortable, but it's just that hour per set. In return, all the enjoyment the kids could get. So fun ! 

And it's a stage training cuz in the mascot, my actions needs to be exaggerated and visible. Thus ya I tried doing gangnam style, shalala, dui ni ai bu wan, party rock... Etc... Felt like some attention grabbing job hahas cuz I had the white colour mascot when the rest had colours like green pink and orange so I tried being more energetic so ppl would take pic hahas! Sounds familiar?? Hahas 

Yea so in midst if these, I went cell group in church, did some project, and went to volunteer at the annual New Year Goodie Distribution to the single empty nesters. They were so kind offering us in for drinks, offering packeted drinks, and even gave us New Year greeting card hahas! Really felt great though Turing week!

It's a kind of timely provision for me as initially my time would be wasted at MBS, and project window period should be tight, and tribe lunch and helping other group project. Then somehow one by one fell in place, giving me the same financial output with more time to spare for project and more meaningful task n joy n fun!! 

Frozen Review

Concept is very cliche Disney-ly but liked it as it retains its essence. Basically the theme is LOVE and it involves princes and princesses again, and ofcoz, the sidekicks who always seems to be great silly buddies for the happy times in the movie.

The whole plot seems very Snow Queen feel, presenting her in a very different way. Then there was the issue about siblings, loneliness, and finding love. Alienation occurs to the Queen due to her powers, the silly guy Kirisoff is a Forever Alone guy only until the end where he actually finds a girl. The main character is again over-loving and ove-persistent in reaching out to her sister, the Queen, which had no choice but to be aloof with her.

The resolve is when we found out love is the cure to the power, and then the main character sacrificed herself to protect the sister. And then happily-ever-after.

Songs, Let It Go is presented well from the pace of the music to the sound, it transits well from the verse of "hurt, escapism, abandonment", then the bridge, the "let it go, cant hold back anymore" part, where she slowly open up, slowly take courage, slowly welcomes freedom, and finally the rest of the song where she is confident and happy about herself. In my opinion the movie soundtrack portrayed the song so much better than Demi Lovato. She may not have a better voice than Demi lovato, but the music arrangement, emotions and transitions in this version suits it more.

Then, I like the "Reindeers are Better Than People" musical number cuz very cute, as well as "In Summer", it gives a sense of musical like Sound of Music.

The first time of the song "For the First Time", the scene play is really nice, when the main character dances and imitates to all the paintings on the wall. Brilliant portray of a royal young girl dream to socialize like normal teen girls.

Lastly, the "Love is an Open Door" is a cute song, sounds like a Disney Cartoon version of Grease Summer Night, or like Shrek Accidentally in Love.

Though as a whole, I think that I preferred Tangled, but that was based on a familiar tale, this is more new. So I would say, well, Disney is back! I prefer these kindda Disney Musical films rather than Turbo Bolt kindda thing.......

It's been so long since i blogged again.

So anyway Xmas was so meaningful to start off with Volunteering at Singapore Christian Home. The residents there are mostly non-christian, and could see that they were happy to see us entertaining. Some of them kept wanting us to encore. We were all amateurs, formed a random band, of Saxophone, Cajone, Guitars and Percussion. Then, I felt happy once again. Though it was just that 2h, but I felt "home" again. I guess in the end, I've been through all the entertainment, still I think volunteering is the source of my joy.

That night, spent xmas with mum, and the couple and CH. We went to orchard. So happy to have a mum that loves to photoshoot hahas!

So then, that night, I came across this: Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

Even though I was broke, I spent all the remainder $280 bucks into the last minute xmas party. Surprisingly, though invited 22, responded 10, but turned out to have 19 of us. 

The night was super busy and super hungry for me as there was not enough food to go around, but after all I guess there were fine eating the turkey and drinks hahas.

Then, I received loads of Xmas messages from ILP seniors, people whom I met once or twice, and thanks letters from the ppl I have invited over. I guess it was a great gathering. Another record set! 19 ppl.

So then shortly, I had a last dinner with DQ family, and then off to Batam with J family.

Batam was rather screwed up. Tour was boring, weather was bad, food is horrible, and things are expensive. Spent $65 for the tour, $28 for tax, and $100 for expenditure. I tried saving up, thus I placed 400,000 rupiah in my passport, and then I forgot to take it out........ sigh.

Horrible trip, but blessed. We had a defect fireworks, I was almost dead if not for the guy asking me to move back 3 steps. Then, the couple ahead of us placed the fireworks wrongly, it fell and aimed at us, luckily, the last two shots actually shot to our two sides, heng!!!! It was facing us like directly!

There goes the trip. Then, rushing for report, and today, I took the Fri class for the first and last of the month, as I have to be MIA for the project.