What do I want to be remembered for at the end of my life?

1) A Dependable Friend 

As I have always shaped my identity and self based on the people around me. I do things based on the needs and happiness of people around me. Though Absolute Altruism is not possible, I only hoped that through everything, I only request to be recognized as a Dependable person at least at some points in your life. Thus I would be hurt, easily, when people are disappointed in me, are angry in me, or find me annoying. This might stem from the need of approval, but then again, whats "me" without the definition of "me", in my case, I want it from the people around me. Thus, I have to constantly remind myself of distance. Cuz at times, I also assumed the needs of others, without giving them a space to seek the help they need, or the space to grow, which may cause dependency, may deprive people of choice, so that is why I am slowly refraining from doing. Starting to have a bit more self love. 

2) A Vigor Fighter 

I'm a workaholic. I chose this path never to greatness. I chose a path to live for the city. It's selfish, it's not fair for Asian Parents especially. It's not a glamorous trophy. But if I don't take it who will? For to me, there is the beauty of how things fall in place, the efforts of every forefather bringing a piece of them to this land, making sense of this place, and creating an assimilated identity and invented sense of belonging no longer through just language but shared spaces and experience, and the need to manage dynamics with the surrounding so much beyond what most people see on the surface, much more thoughts and stories behind every landmark every person every practice every culture. This is such a great nation where people of all walks of life exist. Thus, I would like to raise the status of Tourist Guides. I hope that in my small ways here and there, I could make a difference in this Industry, to make it a possible Career Path, a more respected job, an Intellectually Demanding Job, as a Storyteller, a Performer, a Problem Solver, a Navigator, an Encyclopedia, a Thoughts Facilitator, an Enabler, an Advocate and all in all, an Entertainer. 

3) A Transparent Book 

I would not want people to piece the jigsaw of me in various groups of people. I am Who I am, to everyone and anyone. I want to be an open book. I want no incongruency or inconsistency in my personal reccounts, I want no dispute to who I am as a person. It's difficult of course, but I shall not act or take on a persona. I especially do not like to be untruthful to myself. I say what I believe in, I do what I like to do. If I ever hurt you in any ways, I am sorry, and thank you for the grace extended to me, I will be better. For I am not complete yet, my core beliefs do change, and it shall mould, it shall grow, so continue being patience with me, and I will adopt what I am comfortable with, and change what is detrimental to me. 

4) I am Happy, Ultimately 

I choose to believe Happiness is not the end goal, is not the default. Evolution has made mankind be on guard of lurking dangers. Our Fight and Flight instinct, our Survivor instinct, our Hedonistic nature. There's nothing really meaningful in this world unless I put a value on it. Every memory, every experience, every lesson, every object, every person, is then meaningful to me, on my journey of life. And I am rather glad that in my short journey thus far, I've made you smile, and that has made me smile too, that completes my life, that fulfilled by purpose. For without this, life becomes meaningless. I don't have much that I really want, that I must really have, that I must attain, so I'm giving vicariously in all of your lives. Just know that with this, I shall smile on my deathbed. Thank you all. 

5) I've Loved Hard, and Nothing Else Matters Then

I hope that at the end of life, people do recognize that I've tried loving this cold harsh world. I've tried in many ways to alleviate the situation for everyone and everything around me. And I hope that's enough. Anything further, I shall not be the one accompanying. I've lived to prioritize the Power of Now, where the most important thing to do is to be with the very person with me right "Now", always. For that, I may be late, I may change plans, I may readjust, I may double book my schedule, but I tried not to bail. But if I do, thanks for understanding. 

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Lastly, a Namewee tribute to the renowned Beyond, with lyrics that strike the nail directly :

黃明志 Namewee - 我們的海闊天空 Our Boundless and Vast Sky 

原諒我總不停受傷, 跌倒, 無處可逃 

Forgive me for constantly being hurt, for failing times and again, and cornered or trapped yet again.  

用盡力氣掙脫, 我卻只能咆哮 

I've accepted whatever destiny has for me, for I have given my all to unshackle what I can.

前路茫茫, 遙望夜黑風高, 抵不過這浪潮 

The boundless journey ahead is paved with highs and lows, inevitable. 

伸出手我依然去擁抱

But I would still choose to embrace, and belive tthat I am able. 

 Jakarta. 01 Dec - 06 Dec. 

(Procrastination, Learnt to say no, pop kid, trendsetter, non mainstream, real, possessive, sensitive to death, social awareness)

The trip was organized by a good friend who I have reconnected recently, KH. So he invited me to a Music Festival of 15 artists or who which I only know 1, Jackson Wang, for his mandopop covers, and heard 2 others before but never played any songs, Yoasobi and Nikki. As I write this, my playlist has expanded so much more to Joji, and Rich Brian. They are part of this management company call 88rising. Their rap or hip hop kind of genre is so meaningful in their lyrics. This was my first Music Festival Experience, so much fun! 

Other than that, the trip consist of Fine Dining at Namaaz, a playful contemporary dining experience, where I was so impressed who they kept the Indonesian Food Flavors but present it playfully through tossing game, raincoats and showers, and as a Candle with edible wick, wax and wrap. Sambal Telor reimagined, Pulut Hitam reimagined. Soto reimagined. and more, 15 courses. 

The rest of the trip was a revisit to my childhood places. I connected with my cousin whom came with me to Singapore, and her husband and 3 months kid. So interesting. Ive learn about the development of PIK and plans for 11. I revisited places I used to go such as Anggrek and the Hoka Hoka Bento, and Ancol Dufan with 4 more theme parks and a Telaga Samporeieun there too! (same as Bali but localized to state cuisine). This trip is particularly personal as I visit my Grandma at Old Town, walked Kun around my hood in the past, and explaining how much have developed, and my entire life story from the Racial Riots that got me out of Jakarta, the eventual settling down in Singapore, the family dynamics on both sides of the family, introduced him to my 90 years old Grandmother still without walking sticks nor wheelchair, whom could walk up the steep stairs and water plants. 

He shared a fairly huge amount of his life too, from his younger pop kid days, to poly uni, to his hospitalized moment, to his realization of what he wants in life. I am so impressed on his travel experiences and road trips. He introduced me to his surf skate friends whom happened to also love the 80s retro! Air Supply! And we were invited for the after party by his Secondary Sch friends, who all welcomed us in open arms, and join in for a night of fun too. Very honored to be considered a close friend even though we just reconnected. He did mention my trust level to be a double-edged sword. I mentioned that I would like my life to be as open book as possible from 2020 onwards, so that in the future, I have friends who could remember and recount my life. He asked me what I would want to be remembered by, I did not give an answer until now. I would like people to remember me as someone who once came around and made an impact to your lives. This statement sounds like my happiness is highly dependent on people around, I accept the risk and destiny perhaps. Speaking of which, looking at my family history of unutilized talents, naive trustings, and bad decisions, I confide with my friends all my life events and emotions, I am not surprised if one day it would bite onto me. I accept the risk. I guess that made my life fulfilling. I guess my family too, despite everything, we live vicariously on the good life that people around us are having. It's after all a social construct. Still, at the end of the day, I am who I am because of the grace the universe has extended to me, who allowed me to, that I may grow in my own pace, in my own race. Thank you all. 

So touched when he offered to buy me some accessories, and also to use his film camera on me too. I enjoy basking on these small actions people do for me, like WL, DQ, ZH and JL too. Appreciate their honesty too and their constructive criticism. I guess my greatest flaw is my laziness, there are 1001 ugly things I dont like about my life like being fat, ugly, and not improving even though I could have made changes, but the inertia which stems from a pseudo learnt helplessness is rooted too deep within myself. Many times I had a courage to change, but its a 1 step forward many steps back. Hate that about myself, so I thank everyone around me to have the patience and forgiveness on that. Slowly but surely, I will be better! 

There are some mini regrets that I took matters on my hand or too busy to brush it aside that might have made the trip better such as an upgrade may sound good but may separate from the other friends who made the festival better, or when we were cancelled by our initial accom and I changed without consulting. In the end KH had to go through 6 sleepless nights due to my snoring. Really bad, whoever in the same room with me cant be a light sleeper, I might consider a surgery or chiropractic to alleviate this situation. Was not a problem prior to NS, until the middle of it. The next regret is I was just pushing off the concept of social butterfly and contested whats real whats fake whats facade whats connecting. It offended him. I admit, was a terrible friend as I thought we werent that close in NS cuz he is prolly the only few from Platoon 1 I talk to. Lots of brushing judgement and impressions. Also, the fact that at that time, I was just being a social butterfly around, never thought to have forged and strong friendship. 

Then I got super curious, there are these people who are sooooo spectrum with me, such as KH, JQ, ZH, KP who in terms of fashion, music, lifestyle, are worlds apart really, so why bother reaching out to me, I sometimes do feel I dont deserve the goodness of what they are, so I'm just curious what people actually see in me, isit that I am more open to try new things? isit ulterior motives? isit I seemed more happening? ; and for KH, is because I am an open book and sincere. Thanks! So I wasnt sure if it's social battery, sleep deprived, or other factors, but despite sometimes non reactive expressions, he is enjoying his time, and he is glad im enjoying mine, and that actually all along, he was so drained of his social battery, as an introvert, yet dragged himself to make sure he catch up with every single person properly, and make everyone comfortable, wow! Amazing dedication! I have only seen his "beaming with joy" look a few times so I was afraid I was being the deadweight but im glad its not. 

So while I am trying to be as transparent as I can to everyone with me and me only, his perspective is more of the Looking Glass Self where you show a certain part of you to certain group of people, so everyone get a slice of the real you and not all, I am prolly blessed enough to see the multiple sides of him so I see a bigger slice, I guess. Hehe. Some people though, I believe, is more of Goffman Dramaturgy Theory of Self where you consciously act a certain way to manage the impression of yourself to the ideal person you want that group to see you as. I, will be the Mead's Social Construct Theory of Self where the environment and experience of people around me shaped my identity, where I have a core self, then I discover more about the people around me, I "play" with what kind of "me" is comfortable, and then I internalize it.  

Well, all in all, in any areas of inconvenience, im so sorry friend. Great honest friend. Thanks for sticking by, thanks for listening to my mediocre life story, looking forward to improve and to more adventures together! 

 Bali. 02 Nov- 05 Nov (extended to 06).

This was my 10th time to Bali. Bali never fails to fill me with things to do. The mountainous agung batur and rafts and viewpoints. The beach of jimbaran and kuta. The exclusivity of nusa dua. The happening seminyak, canggu, and more. The spiritual and forested ubud. The far north diving hidden gem Lovina. WOW! 

After 10 times, there are still culture lifestyle I have yet to discover. This trip we have a closer encounter with "Death" and "Cremation". We saw the life cremation of a corpse and the entire ritual without coffin. We went to a "Wayang" museum too where the largest collection of Asian puppertery culture is well treasured and documented. Volunteers at the venue are so passionate with the collection and history behind every unique puppets, wayangs, and more. It's really a hidden find. 

This trip, I did something different, to go on a Hot Air Balloon. I guess the only experience I had was the one at Malacca, this was great too. One day, will be at Turkiye for the most iconic flight. The rest of the itinerary was mostly similar to the ones I had previously, but revisiting these places after pandemic gave me a weird sense of hope and relief that some defining culture still lives on, such as Bebek Bengil, Babi Guling, and more. No temples on this trip, neither any sea sports, Rafting was there though. Most of my travels requires cultural activity and fine dining so we went to Mandappa this time. We stumbled across Room4Dessert, which I found particularly interesting to curate a dining experience based on Hot and Cold desserts and food pairings, and cocktails ofcoz. So I thought it was a trip for J birthday, but I realised after spending some time, he enjoyed the trip very much as it was the first time overseas without C, and he certainly discovered more things about himself, his leadership, and People Management. 

Glad it was still a very balanced itinerary for the group, to go on the Hot Air Balloon, the Rafts, the Food, and the Party. We had missed so much Sunset Activities due to the lack of it on the first 3 nights, and thus had to eat into the first half of the next day always. Luckily the itinerary was planned to have activities only after 11am, so we are able to adjust. And the group was very flexible on it. They enjoyed themselves, each with a particular favorite segment. Oh yes, I had the Moroccan Hammam Bath. This was so interesting, I decided to book myself a flight to one of the most challenging, dangerous, and complex country in the world, for 2023 February. Excited. Looking forward greatly. Glad I could also share my personal development journey and gave alternate views on certain matters here and there, and grateful on the vulnerability and frankness each of them have given me. Thank you! WS was considered someone harder to understand, by the people around, but I think I have a better understanding on his thought process. 

Due to flight delayed, we did a crazy last minute decision to stopover at KL with ZH, and took a grab up to Genting for a 3 hours run before rushing as the last passenger on last call to run into the plane. Amazing experience though this was the 2nd time already, rushing for flights. 

Vegas. 08 Oct - 16 Oct.

My first trip out of Asia. Thankful for the opportunity amidst the many hurdles to get here. This is a city that never sleeps, a paradise for high life, everyone from the concierge to the uber drivers to the FnB servers to random strangers, people are generally in a constant party mood. Parties dont start at night, it never stops, Day Clubbing and Night Clubbing all over. Majestic landmarks towers the two sides of the Vegas Strip, they were so scaled up that one building to the next one looks near but it takes a 20 mins walk at least hotel to hotel. Shows are nightly basis, Comedy Night are full house, Show Girls swamps the streets. 

Due to me changing passport, I had to re-do my entry permit ESTA on the spot, which had caused me to be 4 mins late to the counter closing time, as the application is not an immediate approval. At that time, I was enraged, the built up anticipation and the idea of such a long haul flight, weighs down to my clenched fist I was so angry that they did not have any directives what to do if I change passport despite me contacting, or logging into the application (cannot change passport number). Joke! The lack of sympathy and bureaucracy with non chalent staff attitude and all, got me a very very very bad first impression on ANA. At that point, am I ready to forgo a $10k or so opportunity for the trip? NO! So I booked a last minute fight on United to catch up over at Vegas. United Air experience was a whole lot of different form of entertainment. I asked if I could get a last minute ticket the country staff asked if I had done ESTA which I said that was the reason I missed by ANA flight that I gotta resort to United. She asked the counter to hold up, asked me to book on spot, everyone around was on standby to receive my booking and hope nothing goes wrong to my booking as it would usually be immediate. Then, there was an announcement for me to run to the gate for that 15 hours flight. Rushing like hell but the treatment made it such a memorable and worthy spending. I experienced a 1 hour transit too as San Frans Airport is HUUUGGEE they had to have separate call to give some of us priority to transit immigration areas. Another mad rush but fun! Then I reached Vegas. Finally.  

This is a Holiday Destination for sure, im loving the vibes so much.  The Vegas Strip for shows, casinos, specialty restaurants and supercars rides. The Fremont Street for Music, Busking, Street Food and Pubs. Area 15 for futuristic, modern, artistic, psychedelics, rebels. Chinatown for comfort food, which never thought it would be a problem for me but im proven wrong, just 2 days in im already searching for something that dont require me to chew so hard like rice and noodle. Or the magic of soy sauce, sesame and chlli. As a tourist, treatment was wonderful, everyone so chill, lifts conversations, random street passer bys, the concierge at random hotels, the retail staff who offered boba tea even though I didnt buy any of their products. Just wonderful and friendly. Understand that it would be different as a Citizen and as a Tourist, but in this side of the fence, I am truly vibing. 

Lost a lot of money in the casinos as usual, but at some point its really not about the money anymore, no more maths or probability or whatever formulas or strategies, its the thrill of the impossibles, its the hype when the whole table with the dealer are fuelling the hope for the million dollar win. Learnt many many new games such as High Card Flush Poker, Three Cards Poker, Pai Gow Face Up, Let It Ride, Mississippi Stud, Caribbean Stud, Crabs, and even the usual games have so much side bets and bonuses. So friendly to teach, to wait, to help, very friendly for new players! Small talks are constant be it with table players or dealers. Love it sooooo much. 

We concluded that US food culture may not go too deep in terms of taste profile and etymology, but more of a quantity and glamor gourmet scene. Often people always say food tastes differently in other countries as it has been modified to suit their taste, I would like to challenge that, that would not explain the obsession and admiration to try the authentic local food of the destination country every time anybody travels. The chefs and manpower are also diverse, so skill is out of the equation too. That leaves with the only reasonable explanation of consumption behavior and accessibility to ingredients. 

All in all, great trip, great experience, and escapade to the glitters and glamours! I know its not reflective of US as a whole but it makes me wanna come back to US to explore the whole spectrum of cultures in its entirety. All my life I have always thought that I need not explore beyond SEA but Vegas widened by horizon, expanded by world map. I would like to touch all continents before the age of 35, let's aim 30 though, before more routines and responsibilities piles up and have lesser friends, lets do this travel thing asap!