Sigh, every since ORD, i dont know, things were rather great, tangibly, but not so intangibly.

Many times I felt Im really not a good son. I cant communicate to my mum at all.

You see, there's just so many things that she is different. Personality wise.

1) She always felt that what ever I am doing that do not earn money are useless things. She never see the value in socialising. She has been a housewife all her life, how can I expect her to understand? Then how else can I make her understand?

2) She is too petty to everyone. For example, she expects people to pay sky high 2.5k and above for starting job. She never see the need of probation period. She never understand the need of progressive or proportionate to performance. She expects the whole world paying for my every effort I did.

3) She always thinks the whole world is using me. Yes I know a lot of times Ive been cheated of money, or that I spend unnecessary on people, on cakes, on food, but that doesnt mean it has no value at all. I mean, at the end of the day, if a little expenditure takes away others stress on financial issues and thus we can have a good time enjoying a meal or activity, why not?

You see, most importantly, at the end of the day, all I need is a home where I can go back to, asking me hows everything, briefly know what I did and then care more on whether ive eaten, or how do I feel, instead of "oh why cant you do this? or why must you do this?" kindda conversation. I envy families that watch movies together, play games together, organises family outings, and never seems to have such tough conversations. Can't she talk about "oh, you did this, how did it go, anything funny happened?" instead of "oh how much you spend again, you know you poor dad earning very little.... etc etc...?"

I am blessed enough to be in this family, because they are really nice, to be constantly helping me to get stuffs when Im busy. I know their effort, I appreciate, but you dont have to put other people down to steal the limelight. You dont have to say things like "why arent you given money to buy the materials?" or "why they dont provide you transport to carry the props?". The problem is:

1) If every trivial problem I ask for money, I ask for "red carpet", what kind of man am I?

2) I am normally an understanding person, usually I'm not peculiar about money matters, not because I dont fret it, it's because I know if I can afford, why cast this burden on others?

Now that I am unemployed, it's really really a heavy stress on me. my time is so occupied with all the small stuffs that in a long run will get me somewhere (hopefully), and so for now I wont earn much, I cant provide them luxury rich wealthy life........ and I will depend on them for now, but even this basic "love" or "support" that I want to, is filled with so many tears and unhappiness. I mean, everytime taking our plight to scold me, how could I even bear to take such money.

Am I not good enough?

Am I not independent enough?

Everytime bring them out so much comments so much critics........
what did I do wrong?

Everytime say "I did not say that",
what am I suppose to argue back? confirm lose one.....

Am I not considerate enough?

I'm so tired........ of not getting the ideal kind of family dynamic i wish to have.
Or maybe it's just me, not seeing how lucky I am.....

sigh....... useless.....

........ nvm continue this next time....

Farewell text 

Hello guys!

It's been a great pleasure to be in SRF Platoon 3 meeting all of you here! 

It's wonderful that I met so many awesome people that made my NS journey so much more bearable and even fun! 

Thanks for all the joy and laughter we had! 

I started off SRF being like an alien, since I come back from PRV course, but eventually u guys are very much friendly and approachable. I learnt many things through you guys to help me blend into SRF. 

I'm grateful of being posted here as I guess the system here is much like the ideal system I would want. I believed that the new world leadership is whereby leaders say what they want to achieve and men work things out for them, and together they have good welfare, understanding one another, understanding as matured human beings with trust and responsibility.

*for all laojiao, commanders n troopers*

So here in SRF I thank each of you to cooperate, and slowly, hand in hand, to slowly achieve this vision I have. Not many conflicts and not too many politics here. Commanders have our welfare in mind and always fight for our rights and benefits. I thank you all for giving me the chance to realise this. (This applies only to plt3 commanders.)

You may have many opinions on me. I apologise if there were certain social interaction flaws I have, that I might have offended you in one way or another, be assured I bear no grudges and probably I don't even realise them. Some of u have sponge a lot of old man wisdom, some I just gave up, sry about that no time for everyone, I can only influence so much, up to u all to absorb.

Sorry that many times I do things way more than I'm expected to, because I feel that it's always the extra 1% that I can only grow, because 1.01^365 is 37.7 but 1% less effort means 0.03. There are days where I cut corners ofcoz, but as long as it's not too much of my effort I strive my very best, I hope for your futures out of SAF to be like this too! 

*for all laojiao troopers*

I especially thank those that really did the extra mile for our platoon, those who had to come back on 90ntm to cover, to postpone appointments because we are lacking of men, and even small things like helping to carry ilbv and helping out on Monday stores. 

During training, I am heartened to see you guys taking the initiatives on how to fight missions, to switch roles so that certain positions are not too taxing. The level of chemistry, pls keep it up! Esp section 2! 

These are things I find makes our platoon who we are. We look out for each other, help each other, and work together. *I see teamwork in Mission I see communications in decisions*, thank you all so much. 

*for all commanders*

As for the commanders, thanks for entrusting me with many responsibilities, to put up with my muddle-headed-ness, rebellious attitude, casual talkings and straightforward-ness. I sincerely think all of you are great people! You are *receptive to rebuttals, coherent in commands and sincere in service*. 

*for all laojiao mounting ppl*

Thanks for the many mountings I have, for how many $120 and tomahawks we ate, all the food outings, overseas and cohesions we have, all the jokes the accents and legendary moments we have, the changi airports the muffin maggie the sean chan the naruto the harlerm shake in toilet and all the many many others funny unforgettable stories. I come from those Tanglin days and shifting of bunks, those were the great days, n up till these days, we still have the "never to bojio boshare bobrother" commitment. These made up to what we are, our identity. 

*for all laojiao troopers*

I thank my fellow friends who surprises me at 12 midnight on my birthdays, and for supporting the KTV cohesion. I thank too for all the bday cakes I bought, along with the pranks and surprises planned. 

*for new troopers*

I believe life will be a better place, if people achieve understanding and harmony, by empowering people to in turn empower ourselves, by focusing on nurturing assets, by accepting differences, by taking ownership of own life, own well being, own trainings, own management. 

Well for the new troopers, the journey head won't be easy, there's a whole load of information n skills waiting for u to sponge, no matter how much u don't like whoever, you gotta adapt, you gotta take sometime to uncover the many stories behind every character, you gotta have patience, have understanding, you gotta compromise, you gotta find a common ground to work things out, because u fight as a section, each of unique roles, and u gotta perform well! With chemistry, if not at least SOP.

Approach senior troopers when in doubt, esp ppl like Julian or Feng Long, and when they ask u do things pls help, I don't like hearing people say "no don't want" it's damn rude and disrespectful, shows how shallow your character! Help each other in stores and other stuffs to help out platoon function better! Think before u act don't sabo ur platoon mates! 

Pls do your roles well. Gotta work smart, work hard, work together, cannot man mode cannot half fk. Because ure in here by chance, but how you benefit or contribute is by choice, you gotta take ownership of it!* 

Oh and I think u all should come out with a *SRF fund*, to buy things like air refresher for the bunks, and mounting utensils like pans and woks or other cooking equipments. Mounting ingredients is mounting section settle for every mount not in the fund. Pls help each other for example is pepper n salt finish don't be stingy, the upcoming mounting section help replenish. Things like oil eggs no need replenish cuz every mount confirm buy new. 

*for all senior troopers still in SRF*

As for senior troopers, u gotta step up to teach to guide to inspire to groom, because what u are dealing with are new from the scratch troopers. Don't forget we all been there done that, u can do a better job passing down the info. *You are to teach who are given to you, not who you like to teach, to work with the people of right now, not the people you used to have, it's an extremely tough job, but you're given this life, landing in this position, because you are strong enough to live it!* Jyjy!

*for Megat, Feng Long, Julian, Yong Wei*

You have to be drilled to sect comd lvl, think specs lvl, what to be done, what to achieve. 

Eg:

- Every night briefly say the next day plan is what, who do what who help what

- in Mission think what is sect comd responsibility can help for example in PRV conduct overturn drill, force prep, or ask for reinforcement, linking process, etc. Take over admin matters like IPPT results, offs, leaves, (with date used and date gained) etc 2IC collate and keep updating every week

- driver IC (Julian) to collate Drivers mileage, class 4 mileage, accumulated and monthly

*for all current SRF troopers*

*Don't be too calculative.* Try not to expect benefits everytime you make the extra effort, think more on the bigger picture, the section the platoon the company, if you can help, please help, even if it seems unfair. As you don't do things to impress, that doesn't mean people don't see your works. 

*Contribute generously*, in terms of help and participation. Your rewards maybe intangible, the respect, the friendship, the trust, and who knows when there comes the time when you needed help.... 

*Accept changes*, like the ying yang 8 trigrams, its curved divisor suggests movement, means that equilibrium or zero sum is only achieved with time in consideration, in 3 dimensional picture. Nothing stays bad or good all the time, but there are traces of bad in good and good in bad. I hope that you will embrace changes, to have the courage to change the things you can, and serenity to embrace the things you can't. 

Don't deem things to be useless or futile too fast, you may think some experiences are waste of time, *but life is precisely so, like a tree*. It's made out of branches of various shapes and sizes. Some are useful, with many leaves, some blooms, but some whither, some are barren. But these experiences made up the entire tree. 

*One mountain is always shorter than another*. There are always mountain lower that you out there. Don't feel too bad for yourselves, have pride! Whilst not forgetting there are taller mountains, then aim! So never think you are incapable, you are not! You are awesome! You are good hands! You are talents! Thinking individuals! 

There are some things I wished to improve still:

- *communications*, we all have whatsapp, communicate if the actions you do involves others, let commanders know too, for accountability purposes. 

- *gratitude* when u receive something, THANK! when someone help u do something, THANK! Pls show ur ICs and commanders some gratitude! When ur ICs and commanders gives instructions, follow! ROGER!!  No need all but at least someone!!! People write bday wishes well wishes respond!!!! Ppl ask question reply!!!!! If donno ask others who might know!!!! Ask until u get the answer to answer back!!!! Initiatives!!!!!!! 

- *clarification*, if unclear, ask, if donno, ask, if know, apply, if understand, help those tht don't. Eg: 

Person A say go point X

Person B say go point Y

clarify with person B saying person A say go point C, then tell person A that person B say go point Y, they will discuss and get back to u, *NO MATTER WHAT RANK*

- *cohesiveness* within our platoon, train hard together, so as to finish training fast and sweet, no need for unhappiness or lousy AARs after that, either way we do have a lot of admin times. Help other platoons too, unconditionally, after all we are all one SRF. 

- *laziness* it's in our nature, but if you don't do, eventually someone else must do, so pls do! Some things have a larger consequences if not done properly, don't cut corners! You can be lazy but not irresponsible, that's what in trying to say.

- *discern* the weaker ones, help them, cover them, do something to cover everyone's weakness, while doing so slowly try to improve them

- *character* , I believe in character upbringing. Simple things like always leaves a place better than, or at least as good as, the state when you came. Easy, stand by area. It's really not about army discipline, is about character, respect to the place, and to the people before that who maintained the place. These are auto, if u see dirty help clean if u see untidy help keep. If u are a guest at someone else place help maintain and area cleaning because character, they are NOT obliged to help. 

- *mounting* it's like chalet, don't keep lying on your bed doing your own stuffs, do things together! Even if it doesn't interest you still do! So there will be bond, so there will be more understanding of each other. Take some time to accommodate to everyone's interest! I really wish I could have made everyone learn cooking and stuffs I apologise for not doing so. Pick up guitar, pick up games, virtual, sports or board, watch movies, sing songs, altogether! 

- *accept* everyone's differences and give and take, sound off of unhappy, accept criticism, work out a common ground whilst not compromising Cohesion or Mission. 

Ok talked too much, oh well hope I make changes to all of you, till we meet again!! 

Oh yes among all these the plt rules! Pls do not forget to Mandi (bathe)

I envision a platoon where people are willing to help each other (commanders or men) whenever they can, everyone to remember to care for the *Mission AND Men*, a balance is achievable, the greatest test of leadership is to have 2 different sides but yet able to function in unity, the most important word among the 3 is "AND"

My last days in SRF quite mentally shagged I was not in the best state of mind and behaviour to be a role model so take the meat throw the bones (learn the good part throw the bad), apologise for that, may be quite bahlonglong at times, but please don't learn that, learn more to be humble and respectful to each other. 

Left the platoon in a mess cuz I failed, in terms of I should have done a better job grooming others than grooming me, because in SRF it's ultimately not about one person can do everything but one person can inspire everyone to do everything together, because *we are only as strong as our weakest link*. Pls do a better job on this than me! 

It is how you function without a leader that actually determines how good is the leader. 

Pls help ur commanders and PC! 

Probably won't see me in SRF anymore unless visiting (or so I hope) 

Ok, sayonara!! 

Oh ya pls take care of your health and safety! Can't afford to status cuz one persons welfare may one another's suffering. If selarang fall down i have fastem gel to anti swell, if swell use hot water rub if sprain then blood clot then use ice, if dry cough drink honey eat medicine at fridge if wet cough got the coconut brand cough syrup too, if diarrhoea eat norit x 3 and snectra x 3, 5 hours one time, 4 times, should be fine by then. Okay? 

Rights ciao.

It's been half a year again since my last blog.

This year had been rather good for me. At least rather happening. 

It all begins with a rather boring section compared to the rest, this was the old section. So then my choices are very clear for me, I either had to do something about it or just avoid it all the way. 

So then I decided to start brushing up on my cooking skills and all, and started to find ideas and things to do for mount, I and yes it worked for a while, as the commanders tried to get everyone involved in something and have some fun. 

But then soon, that batch of commanders are gone, close to the mid year, and then shortly, we found ourselves facing a total new set of commanders. When they first came in, they carried forward their snobbish attitude from their cadet lives and I hated it so much I told OC right in his face in front of all. 

However, things slowly turn out fine, training became much tougher but increased relevance. Scenarios were more challenging but realistic. Many grey areas were slowly tied down, people started helping out each other. Soon, there are understanding between ranks and welfare gets better. 

Then it comes to the exhibition. I'm really grateful for a stranger who gave a very positive feedback for me. With that I became somewhat a unit star. Star service award, perhaps the greatest Honour I received. Grateful for my unit for this opportunity, my commanded for the platform, and the troopers for their cooperations!

From a sleeping unit now my unit has made its presence known very quickly, from the utilisation of new vehicles to winning games at Sports League we are stealing to show in this camp. Very high profile indeed. Very happy to see progress and advancement! I'm really Glad I'm in this transition batch. But now as global threats increasing, I'm confident we will continue to do our nation proud. 

Yet it was also that period where a great commander reminded me, that leadership is not just about doing things well, but to influence your men to be equally good. That's when my focus started to shift. I started bossing people around in a way, I started delegating, even though I'm of the same rank. Thus I'm thankful too, for a bunch of commanders that trust me and troopers who steps further than needed, and these people are understanding. 

Then the next highlight was probably my birthday. My weekend turned from zero plans to packed exciting schedule. From parade, to bar, to club, to ambush under my block by my plt, to Wilson elaborated surprises to cafe hopping. 

I think for this season of influence, it's him. Every year or so there must be this one guy that I would suddenly be very close I with and then some where some part after that we just drift apart. And everytime that happens my heart tore, it's like a part of me just left behind, sink into a moment of history. 

He told me once that he had a Friend who told him to get him back if the Friend backslided, but unfortunately this guy drifted, now is happening to me, I really don't wish that the same thing repeats to him. 

Yet I think I'm dried, and also I felt that I am not contributing in it, compared to my NS life. Everytime I'm in cell it's very standard ans, empty books, silent room, I really find no learning taking place. My ideal was that everyone did their work, bomb their thoughts, discuss, get enlightened, then fellowship go step out to the society, to help, to be the change, but at least to me, not of such sort at all, seems to be Andre social gathering to me. I'm happy though, that one great fish I know grew so much, she is well equipped now on the god universe. 

Then my absence probably caused people to think I'm just wasting my life away partying all day, or so I inferred from their conversations, and I started to feel oh well, what's the point if proving otherwise, it's my own rs with God, all the worship I sang n prayers I poured, it's all about me, not them.

In comparison, I have a great bro in my movie kaki, know me so well, keeps supporting me, though our schedules often clash. In TLC, my presence brings joy, brings unity, in music and jamming sessions, theirs laughter and joy, but in church, all these are no longer present, and I would say it doesn't really matter if I'm in or not. 

Self centered I may be, in a way that if I feel I am not making a difference, I leave, but leaving takes a great deal of courage, cuz memories are tied, but all feast comes to an end. Thus I probably stay lukewarm for now, stay low, my season this year is NS. 

And so it comes back to the point I am almost out of this 2 years, I really have mixed feelings. As my song says, there are many many plenty people I want to care, there are many many plenty words I want to share, but so many scripts for me to write, only so much hours to make it right, I'm only one, trying to make the world a better place one action at a time. 

What my future holds I really don't know, what I'm sure is that after this year I'll need quite a long while to stabilise my life, my income, my family contribution. 

Seemingly happy go lucky N spendthrift but the fact is I have 8 mouths to feed soon, Ageing parents (means loss of income), pending debts to pay (loans and upgrades and surgeries), by the next 3 to 4 years or so I probably need $3k plus to survive, without Uni fee not any degrees. Not an easy life soon but I'm still young and able, I hope to stabilise these before it snowball larger. 

Oh well, the boat shall be straight at the docks! C'est la vie!

累了不要见外
把我挖起来吐个痛快
看不惯朋友有难
谁还冷冷的围观　
我的手心为你握起来

烦了不要见外　
把我找出来陪你负担
续杯咖啡的温暖　
一直暖到你想开　
你心情的坑洞让我来填满

昨天会被今天明天来取代　
动心的感情不会淘汰关心常在

就算你我在热闹喧哗中走散　
友情会第一时间赶来
让跳乱的心平躺下来　
重新的呼吸简单　深深的满满的

朋友只要你被孤单压的叫不出来　
我第一时间送出关怀
热热的眼神陪你看开　
找回那片大自然　
围着你抱紧你相信你我确定


Times and again I do have great friends that went extra miles for me, especially those who literally did the miles to meet me from one end to the other end of Sg. But often friends get into rs and then all the great tunes will slowly fade away. 

Was chatting with a friend and I'm surprised how understanding is he regarding his few friends dissapeared without a trace after being attached. He commented, men knows how fragile are rs, that's why they chose to enjoy the times before it ends, and they have trust in friendships, that's longlasting. 

Sounding like a jealous bitch, I see so many of this happening I just can't accept this logic. I mean your spouse is with u almost 24/7, but between catching up with ur bros once in a blue moon and her u chose the later? Seriously?! 

Either that or it will come as a package. That I still accept, but then during the meeting they looked like in their own world treat the ppl surrounding as invisible, urghhhh, disgusted. 

Well I chose to mount on feb 14 anyways, get away from the rosey season full of elaborate acts of sweetness