<SPOILER : Hi, Mom>

So I watched "Hi, Mom" starring Jia Ling as the main protagonist as well as the director. It probably wasnt easy to assume multiple production roles in this. Wasn't a movie I thought I would watch but it was a group outing with the entire clique. In the end, I guess I walked out of the theatre will swollen eyes. Trying not to make too much sound, the last moments of the movie was rather an agony to "squall" silently. 

In the movie, Jia Ling played as someone who is rather despised by society, and therefore always an embarrassment in the world of social status amongst her mum's friends. Guilty about her failings as a daughter, and hoping to give her mother a better life, Jia vows to do all she can to make her mother happy. After an accident, and witnessing her mum on the hospital bed, her wish to make her mother proud came through as she was transported to the good old days - to the younger days of her mum. Throughout the "history", she tried many times to make sure she got the best for her mum, tying to get her to win volleyball tournament, trying to get her to be the person that brings the first television set to the village, and trying to get her mum to go for a more promising man so that "she wouldnt be born". 

The twist came upon the realization that her "dying mum" was transported back with her, and all the while, she was very proud in Jia Ling's achievements and efforts, leading the village and taking charge. In the end, after months of effort from Jia Ling to get her mum to be closed to the promising man, she chose her original husband, which means she meant that she was never disappointed to have Jia Ling as her daughter and wouldnt want to change history with that. She also subtly tells Jia Ling that their world view differs, that all she wants is for her daughter to be happy, not "rich" as self imposed by Jia Ling herself. 

The cinematography was quite well done, albeit the old school editing. The camera pans that transits scene to scene, the pace of story progression, the techniques of anticipated expectation vs contrasting reality, the comedic moments that though slapstick, it does not "cheapen" the characters, and the historical references. Jia Ling herself, was very genuine in her joy, it radiates through the scenes and transcends to her fellow casts and perhaps audience too (at least myself). Her selflessness was shown in the way that she rather her mother to be happy instead of her being born, or her persistence to make sure the volleyball match happens. Then her eventual realization of the different state of mind between her and her mother. Lastly, her sorrows for not giving her best for her mother, her despair of slowly losing her mother, her anguish of not knowing her "present" mother was with her all these while, her gratitude towards her mother, all felt so so so real. 

<Reflection>

Thus the waterfall at my end. 

You see my mum, is a typical asian mom. From young, never fails to compare, never fails to be a nosey person trying to be involved in every part of my life. She is a typical "auntie" trying to live vicariously through me. Being not a very exposed woman, there is just so much ideals in her world view. Not a very macro picture, nor not someone who knows market situation, she is an extremely bias mother who is blinded by her yearns of her son's worth. She is constantly at odds with the entire world just because she thinks her son deserves all the riches and wealth of the world. At least, that is how she express her "love". Being born in the Industry 2.0 era, to her, good grades good career means happiness. I guess, deep inside, she is probably happy that I am happy, but she dont know that. To her, not sleeping early, being a workaholic, and all the social activities, are not her definition of happiness. 

But myself, I am genuinely happy in every decision and every situation in my life. I am happy at where I am, despite the many "lacks" I have. But the greatest self-imposed pressure is that I felt that I am incapable to providing them a better life, I am not able to shoot to riches to provide them with the best livelihood. Despite the little fame I have, I do feel inferior not being able to fetch that pot of gold home for her. She is frugal, she does not demand. But occasionally, her slip of tongue suggests that she does enjoy the luxury of life too, which I fails to give. I always think I am not good enough as a son for her. Or rather, I think I am always never enough for anyone around me. Kinship, Friendship, Leadership, I am inadequate. And I am forever in debt to every single one of you in my life that sacrifices to be with me, to make the conscious choice of trusting me, to grow with me, to 

<Post Notes>

This year especially, I guess on the surface, I am glad things are going rather smoothly, and I am getting happier, but this happiness always carry a sense of guilt of selfishness, that though I am happy, does people around me feel happy? Does people around me feels burdened? Are people around me having enough? 

As someone posted, "Thank you for those around me, I am comforted by the patience extended to me, and not being rushed, if I fail to be the person you want me to be, yet." okay lah not exact words cuz I dont remember, perhaps added with my own variations too, but bottomline, I am probably not the easiest person to deal with, but I am thankful for all your presence, every single one of you.  

Mixed feeling about everything recently. 

On one hand, very happy to be able to organize big clique outings, playing board games, eating childhood martabak, playing kampong games, and then night cycling under heavy rain that drench us at an almost 90 degrees angle. 

It's usually outings like this that makes me so heartwarming and happy that the clique is expanding and gelling together. But in the end kindda realize it's the same few of them putting effort to be the mediator of every tensed situation. 

From a pop kids cliques full of high EQ, he knows very well about social interaction and human behavior. I on the other hand, in a very crude manner, is a "collector". Many in my clique have very strong character and tensions with one another. Jealousy over Friends, Inclusion and Exclusion of status as "Clique" or "Plus Ones", and Tactfulness, are in constant balancing act. 

Then again, as pointed out, most of my social groups are not organic, most of them do not have similar interest or belonging that spark connections or bonds, which really makes me think back hard. I guess I have always think that my purpose is to connect people together and form social support groups for one another. At the end, all the efforts are in vain if the creatures do not thirst. Very glad though that he stepped into my life, my clique, and are very good advisor to manage situations and all. But dayum I am tired. 

曾经以为人生就这样了     |     Used to think cest la via, so such is life,
平静的心拒绝再有浪潮     |     That my peaceful heart can't take more strife.
人与人交情如豪猪寻温     |     Social Interactions is full of give and take, "hi" and "bye",
也相似刮风雨里放风筝     |     Like hedgehogs in the winter caves; kites in the stormy sky.
聚散终有时黎明黄昏轮     |     Dawn gives life everyday, but all feasts will end, soon it's nightfall,
日久未必深情水未流长     |     No longer just about interest, nor just frequency; it's humans overall.
短暂人生匆匆走了几回     |     In this short life I've walked, through winter spring summer fall,
算是用尽一生的情与力     |     I've lived of no regrets, I hope I have gave everything my all.
真的累了快要不在乎了     |     It's draining, it's exhausting, albeit heartwarming at the end of it all,
身不由己但愿人长久吧     |     I am not on my own, look forward to the future with yall.

Truth is, Im tired. I guess this blog has seen many posts of similar nature. I am constantly organizing events, connecting people, but all feast comes to an end, granted that these recent years I have been doing this lesser and lesser, but usually not very reciprocal. I don't know why I should bother in the first place?

I've always dreamt of one day, a group that can expand together, grow old together, with all the plus ones close to one another, a very healthy social support network, where one day when we walk into a restaurant or anywhere there would be a table of us boys, and then a table of the wives, and then a table of the kids. I guess I'm naïve. 

To be very honest, this few days been hanging out with his clique, and it was so different. The EQ level and Social Deduction are at adept levels. Makes outings easier, more fun, and purposeful. People know how to behave, how to be human, how to respond, how to reciprocate, how to read situations. Envious. On the other spectrum, there was so much factors of inferiority in mine that basically each of them are so different and stubborn and are lone rangers that really may not value the friendship I've tried so hard to forge. All of them comes with harmless intentions, but why is it just so hard to get them to understand one another, see things in one another perspective, and accommodate to each and every personality and limitations? Then I've concluded the fact that I am actually a boring person. I've placed all these extra problems on my own life. 

Then I look back. What is Life? Have I lived? Have I enjoyed my youth? Am I missing out in Life? Have I made a mark? Have I made a difference? Am I pressurizing? Am I being an extra? I no longer knows myself. 

Sigh........................... #Misanthrope