This week passes rather quick.
Other than the fact that I still sleeps 12 - 18h a day,
It's interesting how fast it seemed to fly compared to the previous 2.
So anyway, this week was feeling better,
I actually started some kind of "Meditation" as defined by Dan Harris.

The book was called 10% Happier, so one the first chapter,
we touched on "Mindfulness".  Not a new word.
BUT, on reading on,

"Mindfulness is the ability to recognize what is happening in your mind right now—anger, jealousy, sadness, the pain of a stubbed toe, whatever—without getting carried away by it."

What it meant was that first I do recognize my insanity creeping up, when I have thoughts on what if I jump off the ledge and I appear somewhere in another reality, or what if I throw a hammer down to the carpark and cause a chaos, or what if I can set fire on every house unit of the first 3 floors and get people burnt to death or jumped to death, or skin myself little by little and preserve them so one day as my skin grow back I could construct a empty body of myself.

These are negativity, sadistic in fact. And "Mindfulness" is not to start loving myself again and to convince me not to do stuffs, but more of facing the ugly side of me and look into the root of my problems. And in fact, there are no problems, just some loneliness, just some boredom, and I realize, it is ultimately my rejection to be socially connected by virtual platforms. I need that human interaction.

And a little part of me I got to found out too, is jealousy and envy. I am jealous that most of my friends, are spending wonderful time with their loved one in virtual space, and me being the one rejecting it, will naturally feel frustrated, and jealous, that I lose my friends whom I used to go out weekly with. There was this weird yearn that some friends will knock on my door and surprise me, how stupid is this thought, but that was the root of my jealousy, the impossible hope. It only proves how much I need companion as much as I thought I didnt. And there is envy, I envy gamers and introverts who are used to use virtual platforms to connect with each other, to laugh, to have fun, and I dont, because I dont play games, and it irks me so much to do video conferencing, so I naturally envy their ability to accept, to connect, while I sulk my way through the 2 weeks. 

So.......... I talked to my family, face to face, start teaching them stuffs, this was all because of the heavy torrent that drenched me as I took a bike back from my office, for I shall stop ordering delivery and so out to takeaways instead. This little trip outside, made me so much energized. Though the fear of social vigilante and crazy extremist catching every movement I make, is still there, but at that moment this evening, I only had one resolution. If I were caught (and I probably have no excuses because I am probably gonna be classified as "non-essential" loitering because I was just about to take my bike, I was gonna kill that bastard on the spot, then kill as many random privileged-looking adults as I can before caught into a death sentence. Yes, I was that determined and insane.

When I got home, had a dinner, talked to my mum, read the book, and felt much liberated actually, and suddenly, I felt better. Indeed as the book reads, "10% Happier". As cliche as it seems, it probably wont work on me if I were not in this state of mind, sometimes we just need a little reminder.

So then I watched Big Bang Theory, been watching until season 2 so far, but man, I got so bored and annoyed at Sheldon, and I went back to How I Met Your Mother. It was still my favourite comedy series. Variety of perspectives of narration, variety of format of screenplay, very relateable topics of friends, love and life in general, lots of memorable moments, it feels like a great grandfather story learning how to grow up. I jumped here and there and one episode on "Sunrise" caught me.

"Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it." Barney Stinson S09E17

"That's how it goes kids. The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies, and partners in crime you love so much when you're young, as the years go by, you just lose touch. You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That's why, when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it." - Ted Mosby S09E21

"You see, everyone’s got some baggage. It’s part of life. But like anything else, it’s easier when someone gives you a hand with it.” – Ted Mosby S05E23

"All I wanted to do was enjoy a night at home, but there ws something I had to do...... More than a legendary night we'd remember forever, Uncle Barney needed a bro to help him forget." Ted Mosby S07E21

"And that was when I realized why I hung out with Barney. I never got where I thought I wanted to go, but I always got a great story." Ted Mosby, S01E03

Yepp, that is why HIMYM is still my favourite. Seeing the bonds of the characters, that friendship, things they compromise, stupid things they do together, how they support each other. Is perhaps something I rather envy. Not say I dont have, just, not till that extend yet, and damn I still miss having a cup of coffee with my friends now.........

世上没有真的感同身受
No one truly understands, 

There's no such thing as "I know how you feel",
No such thing as "Stop whinning, deal with it", 
No such thing as "Its just a phrase",
No such thing as "Just look at the bright side", 
It's not that simple! 

Cuz what the fuck! 
No one truly go through the same predicament, 
with the same situation internal and external, 
the same life trajectory, 
the same personality, 
the same world views and past experiences,
It;s not that simple!

So don't think what works for you works for everyone else, 
It's not that simple! 

Looking down on others just because you are tiding over it well, 
Is fucking myopic, arrogant and apathetic! 
It's not that simple! 

Came by a wonderful post by "Singapore Matters" FB Page :
https://www.facebook.com/SingaporeMatters/photos/a.710662802353449/2859092637510444/?type=3&theater

WE ARE NOT IN THE SAME BOAT

I heard that we are in the same boat.
But it's not like that.

We are in the same storm, but not in the same boat.
Your ship can be shipwrecked and mine might not be.
Or vice versa.

For some, quarantine is optimal: moment of reflection, of re-connection. Easy, in flip flops, with a whiskey or tea.

For others, this is a desperate crisis.
For others it is facing loneliness.
For some, a peace, rest time, vacation.
Yet for others, Torture: How am I going to pay my bills?

Some were concerned about a brand of chocolate for Easter (this year there were no rich chocolates).
Others were concerned about the bread for the weekend, or if the noodles would last for a few more days.
Some were in their "home office" .
Others are looking through trash to survive.

Some want to go back to work because they are running out of money.
Others want to kill those who break the quarantine.
Some need to break the quarantine to stand in line at the banks.
Others to escape.
Others criticize the government for the lines.

Some have experienced the near death of the virus, some have already lost someone from it, some are not sure their loved ones are going to make it, and some don't even believe this is a big deal.

Some of us who are well now may end up experiencing it, and some believe they are infallible and will be blown away if or when this hits someone they know

Some have faith in God and expect miracles during this 2020.
Others say the worse is yet to come.

So, friends, we are not in the same boat.
We are going through a time when our perceptions and needs are completely different.

And each one will emerge, in his own way, from that storm.
Some with a tan from their pool. Others with scars on the soul (for invisible reasons).
It is very important to see beyond what is seen at first glance. Not just looking, more than looking, seeing.
See beyond the political party, beyond religion, beyond the nose on your face.

Do not underestimate the pain of others if you do not feel it.
Do not judge the good life of the other, do not condemn the bad life of the other.
Don't be a judge.
Let us not judge the one who lacks, as well as the one who exceeds him.

We are on different ships looking to survive.

Let everyone navigate their route with respect, empathy and responsibility.

--Author unknown"

right......... so now the lockdown extended as expected.

Sigh.

2 weeks, im already out of my mind.

So many people, but never felt so alone before.

Sometimes as I look down the block when smoking, wouldnt it be easier to end this fucking life?

But no, too many stakeholders....... too many expectations.

It's tough. And you'll never understand it.

It's almost 2 weeks down since the CB measure.

I'm not doing great.

To evaluate how and why and what am I feeling right now.

How am I feeling :

- Purposeless, nothing seems to make sense right now
- 0 Motivation, I know I can do a ton of things, but no motivation
- Lethargic, I rather spend a $3 delivery to get a bubble tea next block from my house
- Helpless, I recognize the insanity but there's nothing I WANT to do

Why am I feeling :

- All my life, all my skillset involves being out, now Im stuck in
- I have no interest in games, workouts, virtual meets, whatsoever
- I dont find virtual meet meaningful, I rejected so many of them despite being great social tools

What am I feeling :

- I don't know......... I can't describe
- Anger, Frustration, Helplessness, Empty, Lost, a mixture?
- I probably think there are similar people out there feeling this, but they are probably shutting the world out as much as me

See, there's this conflicted response I have in me now. One part of me recognize that I'm spiraling down into despair, but one part of me is stronger, it's like what is the point of living anymore. Then there's this glimpse of hope that I am clinging on that lets endure this few weeks or months, and things will be over, and the other part of me would be like vanity of vanities, does any shit I do even makes sense? What's life? Why live? Why exist? What have I done? What have I accomplish? I'm a mere vapour in the wind, a wave tossed in the ocean, how little am I worth? Why bother?

I used to have that passion for knowledge, to learn, to read, I have 21 course on my list to complete, but the irony is, with the privilege of time on my hands, I want to just sleep, and wake me up when this all ends............

It's not a matter of "quit whining" and "just deal with it", so easy for people to say. So easy when you have avenues to escape life from, games, music, workouts, whatever, but when the idea of virtual dont excite you, when you dont feel like talking to anyone, where else can I find joy? or may a purpose too?

王源 - 世界上沒有真正的感同身受

世界怎麼這麼安靜
I wondered at the silence of the streets

感覺被所有人拋棄
Feels like I am being obsolete
生活這麼拚命努力
All the things I've work hard to accomplish

是不是也算一種遠離 Was it all just a reason to live?

這世上除了我 只有千萬個你 And I aint the only one in this

逃離那些讓你波動情緒的事情
So then why bother?

So I have been doing nothing much,
Binge watching shows,
Occasionally read up on random stuffs,
and skipped around a few variety shows.

Well, I dont know,
I still couldn't adapt to this CB measures.
It's still torturous to be to be in the house,
I seek escape from my sleep,
These days I can sleep up to 16 hours a day.
A few online concerts actually gave me a purpose,
To feel excited again,
许冠杰，动力火车，刘若英，A-Lin，
and upcoming probably the One World : Together at Home concert
with Taylor Swift, The Rolling Stones, Sam Smith, Oprah Winfrey, and more.....

Meantime, I am just going through playlists,
So I looked deeper into this particular set of lyrics,
And the sadness of the speaker just got to me.

It's sooooo damn sad,
It's a song about this guy,
Who probably have a childhood friend,
and this girl probably got a boyfriend.
He felt that he had lost this friend because of the
complication of having a best friend of another gender,
because love is jealous right?
The entire song is about how he know he had feeling for the girl,
But since its a long time friendship he never once told her about it,
But now with her new boyfriend,
He could not freely interact with her without thinking through
that his actions may not be appropriate for a "non-boyfriend" friend.
He can only disguise his yearning for her
by being a "Gentlemen".
SO SAD RIGHT?!

So this is my interpretation:

薛之谦 (Joker Xue) - 绅士 (Gentlemen)

我想摸你的头发
只是简单的试探啊
Can I brush your hair
and what your response could be? 

我想给你个拥抱
像以前一样可以吗
Can I hug you like how we were in the past before you got a boyfriend?

你退半步的动作认真的吗
You moved back a step, 
Is that your response?

小小的动作伤害还那么大
It's a simple reaction, but its so hurtful 
that means we have already drifted apart

我只能扮演个绅士
才能和你说说话
I can only talk to you as a disguised gesture of a gentleman.

我能送你回家吗
可能外面要下雨啦
Can I send you back
For the rain may fall soon?

我能给你个拥抱
像朋友一样可以吗
Can I hug you like a gesture of friendship?

我忍不住从背后抱了一下
尺度掌握在不能说想你啊
So I went for a hug as a friend, 
Nothing can depicts the silent anguish,
that I couldnt say "I miss you" 

你就当刚认识的绅士
闹了个笑话吧
Just treat me as a gentlemen you just met, 
Don't read into that random hug, 
it's just a trivial gesture. 

你能给我只左手
牵你到马路那头吗
Can you give me a hand, 
To hold you over the street?

我会像以前一样
看着来往的车子啊
I will look out for the traffic for you
Just like how I treat all my friends. 

我们的距离在眉间皱了下
Our distance could seem complicated, 

迅速还原成路人的样子啊
Because we are just strangers,
I am just being a "gentlemen"

越有礼貌我越害怕
绅士要放得下
The more "polite" I become, 
The more I can get close to you, 
But thats what I fear most, 
For you ere never belong to me. 

Day 4, and I not coping well.

For a social animal like me, I really cant see locked down at home doing absolutely nothing.
To make things worst, parents, yes parents, their form of "care and concern" means to
Dictate your every move, every diet, every decision, no matter how old you are.
It's one thing enduring it a few hours a day, and spend most of my time outside,
But when you are 24h with them.............. oh my............
Simple things, eat noodles, say why eat noodles must eat rice,
Eat veg, say why so little, must eat more,
Eat meat, must cut down, etc etc.........
Go down to get a Kopi Peng, why never wear mask, high risk,
Oh my God....................................................

At this point, their Care and Concern becomes an annoyance,
Maybe im that Weakest Link youth,
But I seriously see them panicking even more and more each day.
As entitled and privilege as it sounds,
Having the liberty, having the power,
to choose, to indulge, in midst of pandemic, is a blessing,
but its toll is the deteriorating mental state.
My mental health is degrading too,
With all these constant comments of every step I take,
and the 4 walls environment, and noise from everywhere else.........
How long can I take it?
I'm not a virtual guy,
I hated online lessons,
I hated zoom and whatever social meeting methods,
I am an old school miser still prefer
to meet through a coffee or meal.
I want to walk, walk every inch of the city,
See the changes, the interactions, and everything....

Sigh......

But "my" life is never just about me,
It's a collective effort of so many hopes, dreams
and hardwork of everyone around me.
Some times, just thinking,
if I could end all of theirs and end mine,
Then there's no more "debts" to pay,
And I bring all the burdens upon myself in hell.......

So first day of the Circuit Breaker measures of Singapore.

Well, what a rough start of the year. So Covid came on Jan 23, Singapore was quick to respond,
Thus DORSCON Orange on Feb 07. As the virus is unprecedented, we didnt know the scale of which it could go, Thus without Social Responsibility, Some clusters started to form. This is also when we started to have Travel Restrictions and all, While trying to salvage existing ships and flights.

As a result, our Quantum of the Seas was cancelled. I was extremely disappointed and the group suggested a road trip to Malaysia. Then one of the parent was worried and we decided to forgo the entire thing. So it became a staycation. Though it was still enjoyable, but the group had the flexibility to go in and out, so there wasnt one time where we had a full group. We decided to have steamboat, kite flying, and Superpark. But it was a blessing in disguise, because Malaysia then started Lockdown on Feb 17. Should we have went on with the plan, we had to cut the vacation short to be back on Feb 16 and brace the massive traffic.

Soon after, clusters became to form, rumours spread like wildfire. Social Responsibility was still not seen as many people went out despite having symptoms / under Stay Home Notice / 14 Days Leave of Absence. One of the initial triggers was when we had our first 2 deaths reported on Mar 21. People started panicking. And then, it hit on a preschool cluster on Mar 25. When disease starts to reach to the vulnerable, people will be increasingly worried. As such, Entertainment Suspension on Mar 27 - all bars and entertainment venues such as nightclubs and cinemas would be closed as there is a higher risk of transmission in such venues due to sustained close contact over a period of time.

This was the time where from 0 Tourism Arrival, to doing part time in F&B, from 6 or 7 hours a day to 2 hours, and eventually, no more opportunity to work. So I started looking at all the available supports. After all, we had Unity Package and Resilience Package. As the pandemic progress a lot faster than we thought, there were too many criteria in the supports that restricts me for getting support, most of which involves me not declaring my TG income, yet receiving fixed salary for my administration task in MDT, yet the part time I embarked on pays higher CPF contribution, though I wouldnt have anymore supplementary income other than that.

As frustrated as I am, I am grateful though that there are avenues for me to seek help. With 5.8m people under their care, Singapore will take some time to come u with solutions. True enough Circuit Breaker measures came, Solidarity Package was announced, appeals were allowed for people like me. So now I just have to wait. The trigger for this was when the third death involves another elderly on Mar 29, and that clusters started to form at Elder Homes. When the old and frail starts dying, and the vulnerable is at risk, people will start to lose faith in the Government. As such, drastic measures vamped up in an instance.

What I didnt like in this whole episode, was people trying to play politics in every decision the government makes. Blaming it on "For-Show", too much "Un-achievable Qualifiers", gain votes, etc etc. Compared to countries all over, I really dont see how are we not doing well. I have friends from other countries receiving peanuts, having extreme discriminatory treatments, or just silent treatment. I have heard of countries still in denial, covering up cases. No matter what, at the end of the day, I felt so much safer and protected in Singapore than any other country.

Apart from politics, then there are people who seems to be so happy for lockdown, saying that Circuit Breaker is same as DORSCON Red, which is a lockdown. Obviously people havent had much thoughts going on out there. Can Singapore really have a complete lockdown, meaning no import and exports? Our basic necessities are very much dependent on all over the world. How much of the country resource would be needed to supply us? Also, what's the point of having a lockdown, when even if 100% of Singapore is cured of the Covid, we are still stuck with the situation of lockdown because other countries are not 100% cured. Singapore, having gradual progression, is something already very good. While containing the spread of virus, economy was kept running as much as possible until triggers came.

Then comes with influencers and this irritating woman ranting on social media to ask people to stay home. Disease is a civic responsibility, If unwell, its up to individual to not spread, but this is unprecedented, so it spread through carriers that may not have symptoms, this was only discovered at the later stage and so its not an easy thing to tackle. There are some blacksheeps and kanchiong people that may not be too educated, or just simply have no faith that they started hoarding and all. Then, educated them, I had to educate my parents for 3 hours for proper safety measures. Doesnt mean stay at home is the best solution either, maybe people had made plans long ago, hoarders may need to stock up their favorite stuffs, smokers may need to get their supply of cigarettes before cease of supply, some lost their jobs and tries to hunt for new jobs out there, some just trying to exploit, some had celebrations and catch up to do before 1 month staying home; more importantly, for businesses, some may be their very last time opening before closed forever due to high overheads and rentals, some may not be eligible for government support due to private land and all, some may be a family owned business unable to pivot that fast and decided to retire instead, some decided to give up to be on the race because it drains on the pocket and yet when situation recovers the big players will raise the barrier of entry. So whoever can just stay at home and rant clearly are super privileged and myopic. Thinking that they can get whatever they want, and thinking that everyone else is stupid, without really going down to ask why do people do things.

Thinking in Social and Economical perspectives. Maybe it would give you more empathy.

All in all, I'm rather ashamed about human behaviors, guess I'm better off be a misanthrope. Maybe deep down inside, I secretly hope, that the virus mutate and kill more people. May be then, competition gets low, resources amplify, easier to purge the idiots, and less drama and noise in society, resulting in increased efficiency, increased livelihood, and increased lifespan of Earth.