My days before NS is finally reaching its end........

Im actually thankful for NS as these few months of waiting, I felt Ive lived, I felt enriching. All the travels, and activities, and events, are all so enjoyable.

Yet, I wouldn't say that I'll be closing a chapter of my life. It's just, I believe someday I'll open this chapter once again, and continue writing the wonderful tales. I'll leave my options open, in every areas.

Went JB and Indo for cafe hopping, it's like woah! whole new level of cafehopping! then also KTV with standing mic and disco ball........... so sooo cool!

My colleagues took turn to treat me, so nice!! I first tasted Myanmar food! and Myanmar beer! Hahas. Very nice! A little like indonesian food but spices are different, less sweet more sour.

Then did catch ups with various people, esp my ex cell leader, had an enjoyable short meetup!

Well, going in, I personally feel it shouldnt be that bad inside, but lots of people around me seemed very concern about it, esp my anger, my craziness, my rebel side of me, and etc........ I personally feel that I can suck thumb very well, so shouldnt be too huge of a problem, besides, the first phrase of NS is just routine, nothing much......

Then yea, there's a friend who is rather common in many of my social groups, this particular friend used to be rather closed up, like in an iceberg, but recently we all agreed this person opened up alot, more expressive, and many times, we felt like saying something to this person but scared too "rou ma", so didnt. I still would like to thank this person alot.

This person excels in many areas, academically is above average, physically well built with top notch fitness level (exaggerate la), kind hearted to stop by to help anyone and everyone he sees needing help, very good with girls, as well as little children, capable of doing leadership roles, but at times rather stubborn in his thinking, sometimes too critical about things, but then easy to get along with. The only thing I felt this person could venture is actually musical instruments, I think it shouldnt be a problem. So yea........ flipping through old photos and I think we've known each other for 5 years, surprisingly, nice to see all the changes and new ventures.

Today shall make my classic quote official!

" The process of life is like growing a tree. Knowledge are its branches. The diversity around causes the branches to grow. Some grew well, with lots of leaves, some not that much, some even have flowers blooming or fruits producing. But all in all, every knowledge, every experience, makes the tree whole, make you whole. " - Kyanta Yap

Flying off in 2h time,
this time to Jakarta to visit my Grandma.
Today is also a time where alot of my friends go into NS,
well, as usual got that "couldn't bear to leave" feeling.
They say NS might change people,
I certainly would not like people to change,
cuz the very person that you met at first,
is the very person you decided to call your "friend",
it's so scary to see them going in,
and the thoughts of that uncertainty how they would change.
Sigh, ofcoz this kindda situation,
the only song in mine is Jacky Cheung, "Zhu Fu".

Friend, I will bless you always,
I wish for my smiles to accompany you
through winter spring summer and fall.........
Hard is gooodbye,
but we have faith and hope,
of a reunion one day,
on a joyous day~

Past few days have been busy running here and there,
stretching my every hour.
Mainly I went to TLC outings,
met a great friend,
who seemed to join due to the very same reason as me,
seeking for adventure,
no friends up to it,
and yea, I really hope to one day we great friends with him!


朋友,   我永远祝福你

不要问   不要说   一切尽在不言中
这一刻   偎着烛光让我们静静的渡过
莫挥手   莫回头   当我唱起这首歌
怕只怕泪水轻轻的滑落

愿心中   永远留着我的笑容
伴你走过每一个春夏秋冬

几许愁   几许忧   人生难免苦与痛
失去过   才能真正懂得去珍惜和拥有
情难舍   人难留   今朝一别各西东
冷和热点点滴滴在心头

愿心中  永远留着我的笑容
陪你走过每一个春夏秋冬

伤离别   离别虽然在眼前
说再见   再见不会太遥远
若有缘有缘就能期待明天
你和我重逢在灿烂的季节

Having insomnia right now........

First time I experienced this kind of happiness feeling that I couldnt slp.........
Was really tired and sleepy just now, but now I think my heart is racing?
That kind of feeling they normally described in fiction, that cloud 9 feeling,
Elated, as if you successfully confessed, or to know something big is coming for you.
Maybe like winning a prize? or big day tomorrow? kindda feeling.

3h, and heart beat not slowing.
I wondered if this is the feeling of ADHD ppl everyday,
only to dull it down by stupid medicines,
that amount of massive energy that make you fist pumping and random spasm,
I wonder what is the feeling of imprisoned happiness,
unable to release, will it dissipate or suppressed and concentrated?

No idea what causes this feeling,
cuz im not particular close to this person...

Just that through some sources, curious about friend A, cuz friend A had problems, but seemed to not share anything, no close friends to share the emotional problems, and just found out, though we didnt meet, that friend A do actually share it with friend B! So relieved that friend A at least got someone to talk to about it!

So yea...... never had this level of happiness for all my 20 years.
Living vicariously through people's lives,
felt happy, impressed, accomplished, and regrets, sadness, inferiority for people,
but this kind of elated feeling is first time!
Quite freaky now to think about it,
but really, I had no idea,
Not much of a problem solved cuz no problem at all,
not really a burden cuz dont really care about the person at a personal level.......
soooo....... hmmm......

This happiness overwrites all other emotions, such as
the disappointment that the Person B wasnt me,
fear that Person B won't be there long for Person A,
sadness that Person B seemed to be the ONLY person for A to share,
anxious that Person A may think Person B betrayed but B actually didnt say anything specific at all
proud, of Person B to be such a great listener and great friend of Person A.

So yea....... still insomnia........ big day tmr,
will try reading or watching boring shows........
at most count sheeps!!

Right, realized my Holiday trips blog entries were saved as draft and not published.

Well, on hindsight, I got more to add in.

First off, Langkawi. 

Flew to Langkawi with 2 friends, K, T. both of which are really unexpected for them to come. It's somewhat a miracle for him to join me out of civilization and anime and games hahas! And for K, it's a miracle too I didnt expect him to come with me. Well, must thank T alot for I guess it's their friendship that got K coming over. It's always heartwarming to see his bight smiles when the group come together, even outsiders can see he is most comfortable with them. Anyways, it was a rather smooth trip. Time crawls over there, so just as the Batam trip, we had lots of time every night from 9 to around 2 to talk. Through this we all got closer to one another, or so I hope. Yet, I kept having this feeling that one of them are not open enough, was rather curious about him. Oh well, slowly I guess....... Really glad I have people like them in life, to talk about stuffs.

So the trip was fun! First day did nothing much except the Underwater World, which we were surprised that the whole environment was rather good and nature-like, well maintained indeed! That night we all talked about someone, which in the end talk about me, hmmmm. Through this night convo, I come to realized that maybe my perspective about things might actually endanger my future life. Like, they threw me a situation, if I were a Boss, and there's this Secretary that after some time we started going out after work, and I developed some feelings towards her, so cuz I'm a great husband, I come clean to my wife saying I developed feeling, but then perhaps out of guilt, and conviction to savage my marriage, I decided not to develop the feeling more so I stopped going out with the Secretary and we stayed being just work partners. The thing is let's say my wife asked me to sack her, would I do it? My answer was a straight no without any consideration of alternatives or win-win situations like helping her to find another job or things like that. To me, none of us should change our lifestyle just because of some emotions going on, unfair. And to me, it's also about the trust between wife and I, and my own discipline to draw the line with Secretary. So they throw me another scenario, would I give up a million dollars to make my wife happy, again I unhesitatingly, said Yes. So they asked me, what kind of priorities do I have, money, secretary, wife. I couldnt answer.

Okay, so then the 2nd day we went trekking the Mountain of Seven Wells, did not reach the peak though, but it was like the first hiking trip all of us was in. We were not prepared at all, no water, and had to resort drinking river water too, and in the process attack by leeches. But all is well, we went back before dark, and went for fish spa, also for our first time! The keeper were watching some comedy show of 3 guys screaming like sissies for the first 10 minutes! hahas!    

The 3rd day we went for Island Hopping, and saw Eagle Feedings. Quite an easy day, subsequent nights not much Heart To Heart Talks, just joking around, blasting music with Seedio app, and watching TV. Then we went Mangrove Tour. Rather eye opening to see monkeys swimming, eagle feeding again, and that drama feel where we went into narrow shallow mangrove areas, just minus the snakes and crocodiles........... well they do warned about snakes though...... seemed like they are poisonous snakes, we saw one small one only.

That day, we also went for Parasailing!!!!!! Gosh the feeling of airborne is soooooooooooo good! Definitely a sport I would take my future spouse to go!!

So yea, we went back on the 5th day, and then comes Bandung trip with TLC!

Yea it was a YOLO decision to rush a tip-to-tail trip! Hahas, first time traveling with a group of strangers, but it all turned out soooo fine!

The moment we reached Bandung at the midnight, we had like a 4h bumpy car ride to rest at a guesthouse and a 3h hike to a waterfall that was not known even to the local guide when they approached him. So this trip was specially arranged, joined by 3 other local guide and special homestay arranged too. So cool! This is liek the best group Ive seen! Totally suits me! I like this kind of group where not only they like to travel, they liked to venture off the beaten path! and they loved leisure!!!! Food was ample there! and we had KTV on 2 nights!!!!!!!! crazy people! Taking pictures every few steps and so spontaneous in everything!!!!! Doing Gangnam style and Chicken dance there too!! We also tried Horse Riding, Floating Market visit, Strawberries farms, Message, Peak Dining, and more~~

They are working people, but they are having soooo much fun midst work and all the society bullshits. Like a bunch of kids and Professor Lim!!!!!!! hahas! we were mistaken as a university outing my a passer by hahas! The organizer is a very friendly, engaging and adventurous 60~ years old man! SO glad I found this group! and after that, I joined their activities as long as I can, like Bedok Reservoir Running on Sat, Stadium to Barrage to Marina Bay Running on Sun, and coming up cycling from Jetty to MBS, and then Archery!!!!! Oh yes and Bishan to Pierce reservoir too! Definitely going for the HUGE MEGA XMAS PARTY!!! He booked a room of 1200, subsidizing heavily of 70%, for the great event!

I envisioned myself very active in years to come, the only sad thing is that enlistment is near.

And yea post-travel withdrawal syndrome, I got that travel-spree feeling everytime! And also that kind of sadness when we build friendships on the trip, only to drift again when we are back in our own lives.

Yea........ thats all, ciao.........

Are we just lost stars trying to light up the dark?

Recently I attended a talk about the Science of Happiness.

It mainly focus on a hedonic perspective of happiness, so the factors are maximizing positive affect, minimizing negative affect and life satisfaction.

It explored the Terman studies which involves a extreme state of subjective well being studies by the Diener model, which is that in rate cases where satisfaction reached its maximum, it has reversed effect like being too contented thus losing the competency and therefore prone to mistakes or tendency to ignore symptoms which might lead to great illness and etc. Interesting thought but either irrelevant since we can't really we happy and satisfied to the max cuz we can't really know happiness until we been through unhappiness? The need for novelty would drives us to achieve more, so could be actually be 100% satisfied in life?

We must give applause to the amount of preparation and research the students did, it wasnt an easy task especially on such topic. However lots of audiences such as myself are so cynical about things like creativity and economic. They claimed that the studies concluded happy people are more creative, but there are so much talents out there producing their best works under depression or at their lowest point in life. And as for the economical part, Easterlin paradox easily countered the claim that riches has a linear positive effect on happiness.

So the rest of the talk was a recap of what we have learnt in social aspects of Happiness. Sadly, there wasnt any discussion sessions for the floor to throw in some perspectives and researches here and there.

I actually went in hope to hear some interesting findings on the Dark Side of Happiness. I had several questions like, in the pursuit of happiness, people tend to be unhappy, so is such pursuit in wrong direction of happiness? and lets talk about happy events, those that causes all the serotonins and oxytocin and endorphins and maybe dopamine too....... happy moments are like drugs, that makes your brain work extra hard to get back that feel, but in the process it made u not as happy right?

There are lots of approaches to understand happiness, subjective well being as a whole, liek the top-down or bottom-up, and the PANAS and PERMA, and other Eudamonia model but I guess all in all it could be sumemd up in the 3P model, past, present, prospect.

We should have acceptance of our past, to untie all knots, to forgive, to accept ascribed statuses, to appreciate what you had and had not, and what you have went through to shape who you are. Then, acceptance of our present, have the courage to change things you can, and to have serenity to brace through the things you cant, and to live life to the fullest without regret, and the prospect, maybe the future ideal self image, the hope for tomorrow, a purpose, a destination.

But then again, paradox of choice, what if we could not fix on a path to take? What comes next?

Hahas, got me thinking, and also ofcoz, recently talking about what benefits could we get from investing so much emotionally into another person, since all feasts come to an end, all humans are bound to drift at some point in life, why are human so social and so emotional? to find sense of security? sense of belonging? to merge walls to form greater walls?

I guess men are generally lonely and sad deep inside? Cuz men pride, cuz it's embarrassing to talk about feelings and problem to other ppl, cuz stereotype to solve own problems and strong facade. Their probably go for task specificity model of social support to find help only if they know that person is of specialty field to help him and not due to the closeness or whatever, and normally would not seek help for emotional issues.......

Well on the brighter side I found an answer to a friend's question some time ago, "why do you like to treat people so much?"

It's actually prosocial spending which would lead to increased happiness.

Firstly, it is Relatedness, helping others satisfies fundamental need for social connection.
Secondly, it is Competency, you feel the power to make a difference in people life, and most of us are socially constructed to feel that this act is good, you feel that you contributed to the greater good of mankind.
Thirdly, Autonomy, the act of free will to give led to a sense of self satisfaction that you have personally performed a gesture of goodwill.

Yepp........ thats all for now..... ciao

So I'm back from China!

I must say, Jiu Zhai Gou is more stunning than I had imagined!
It was really picturesque! Every view is like starring at a landscape painting.
The minerals made the sea azure blue.
After that, the Huang Long 6km hike is really nothing,
It's the same kind of view from top to bottom.
I really felt I have wasted my time climbing it,
oh well, exercise and challenge.

Costumed rentals are really really cheap at Huang Long Xi,
a place left by Qing Dynasty.
It's 10 yuan for 3 shots of 1 costume include make up.
A great place to photoshoot!
Maybe wedding will do it there!
They have different scenery for different era feel,
and many costumes! from Tang to Qing, to Ip Man, to British.

Tour mates are really great!
They are understanding, and funny, and caring.
They took care for my sick parents really really well.
Every meal, every day will spare a thought for one another.

The tour leader on the other hand,
I felt was nothing else but dutiful.
She had no preparations of any medications for common sickness,
she was rather lazy and do not like to do extra miles,
obviously show no concern until she step on the tour bus,
then she would ask one or two lines of "how are you",
yet apathetic for the million times we walk pass each other.
Never called to check out how we are,
nor bother to get any feedback on the food we consumed.

Then it's about the service culture in China,
totally ATROCIOUS! UNGRACIOUS! IMPOLITE!
 When asked how many more dishes,
the waiter could shout at us irritated and rude, "I dont know!!"
If not for the tour mates who joked "live on Emei, can't "xiu yang" at all",
I would have boiled to the point I don't mind giving her a beating if she bitch slap me.
It was said that the service there could go to the point of grabbing customer's collar,
and even fighting.

We noticed the nicer services are from foreign stalls/restaurants.
The local ones are really really bad, in sg standard, will definitely close down in a day.
Many other local restaurants too, totally only focused on their tasks,
often screw up (duh!) and thus would show attitude even to customers.
Would shout across the room. Would scold customer stupid cuz I think he spilled the beer.

Inattentive, self-centered for own chores, impolite, totally rubbish.
No matter from what philosophy you look at it,
these behaviors are uncivilized, undisciplined, uneducated to the core.
"Dog-people" as some would call it.
Cuz these may not be taught in schools,
but certainty a responsibility of parents to teach manners and respect.

Taoism, Buddhism, Confucianism, are totally not shown in them.

In contrast, Indonesia,
so far, Batam, Jakarta, Bali, Puncak,
in these places, the worst service is the best of China.
Their hospitality far exceeds many.
It's ofcuz, cultural,
in Indonesia culture where things revolve around favour (tips).
People are yes-man.
They would gladly do a service for you with their best,
in expect you to return a worthy favour.
Thus the service culture is there.

Even in sg, it's much much better than China,
though mostly materialistic and biased,
extra friendly to patrons that look richer,
but they have professionalism,
when asked for service,
they give of standard service to you.

So yepp, a little review of China trip.
I may not be most accurate, but I had
Beijing, Hangzhou, Guilin, Jiuzhaigou, Huang Long, Emei, Le Shan, Cheng Du,
as a reference point. And would ignore extreme ends such as,
International Hotel Restaurants and Street Stalls.
I'm basing service by local restaurants that should be of-standard.
Actually, in indo, the street stalls service are sometimes better than famous/high class restaurants.

There are just too many screw ups that I could not elaborate all of them. They never changed, every tour groups that we had, he is always overly concerned of things and us that it became a burden to everyone. For example, he likes to carry every single thing in his bag as if we are going for some survival camp, as a result, he is often too tired, and often sick. Also, he keeps treating me as a child can't take care if myself, as a result in cases where we got separated, he will try to look for be but we already stated that if we get lost we go back to the bus, this delayed tour. Then he is too concerned about taking pictures of every thing that he often takes pictures of pointless things, and pointless videos, and pointless photographs with us just because he want a comparison how big the thing is. Then, it's her, she is forever last in all destinations, she kept having the mentality that as long as we are waiting there is still time, in the end always embarrass us cuz need to wait for her or them. Sigh, tell me, how to enjoy tour? FIT better, but FIT they became too concerned about routes and plans it totally destroys the element of adventure and surprise ok a FIT tour. Seriously pek cek. I know it's privilege, it's filial piety, it's the security and familiarity but seriously, it's not that I totally don't enjoy, but I can enjoy more thoroughly without parents in the tour. I know "we are one", facing everything in hope of a better tomorrow as one unit but I think it's totally unnecessary problems...... Sigh Now can only hope my dad recover n my mum stop being late. Overall the trip got good and bad, in fact, extreme good and extreme bad, at least in my point if view and response to the situation. Good part, shall have an optimistic post at the end of tour.

Supp...

Movie Review "Cafe. Waiting. Love"

Watched the movie finally!
Been waiting for this movie for quite sometime since Harlerm Yu promoted it.
So listening to the lyrics, it felt like it's trying to say about fate,
and how 2 imperfect people becomes perfect together.
After watching the movie, it seems different.

Anyway,
the movie started off introduction of setting,
and many slapstick jokes,
that nay appeal to taiwan drama kind of audience?
character development wasnt really there,
everything seems to "simple" to progress.

However, after a plot twist at the end,
as cliche as it is,
it's rather thought provoking.

Must we be really at the state where the ideal "target" is completely crushed before we realize the goodness around us? The main character basically had a major crush on some ideal angelic kind of guy but then after the twist, she realized that the person that actually stayed by her side the whole time is actually the clown or joker as it seems.

Just went to Batam with WD and CH.

Really glad to have them in my life.
Throughout the journey we had lots of catch ups and reminiscence about the past.
It's amazing how life just branches away after graduation.
And yea I got to know them more, 
and had more "case studies" of how people could turn up in certain parenting styles.

We had some conversations about child raising too.
Sometimes we feel that it's such a huge thing,
to raise someone properly,
not to create monsters or not screwing up a person life,
and how to nurture critical thinking and surpass us.

Well, this topic seemed to surface a few times when talking
to peers of my age. Generational thing? Cohort phrase of thinking?

Yea all in all,
I still conclude,
there are too many factors
that could shape a child,
that as long as it creates a purpose
in my life
to spend time and effort
on this worthy growth,
alot of things are up to life.

Anyway the trip is great.
First day went to shopping, bowling and arcade.
Didnt expect how we were crazy at bombomcars and just bowling.......
Was surprised they enjoyed indo food,
really felt so touched they actually are actually
receptive to indo culture and food.
So along the way I guided them origins of stuffs,
culture of favour and tips,
using hands, empals, etc etc.......

Second day went for shooting, canoe, cable ski and atv.
C was really awesome at atv, duh its cars!
and also cable ski! He managed to ride it at the end of almost 2h,
we couldnt even stand la!

Surprised that in Batam, time crawls!
One hour of nap and restore a whole day of energy,
and a good night sleep last around 4-5 hours only,
despite how drained out we were!
And though we have done so much,
time never seemed to run out!!!
Really awesome!!

Anyway yea then we were talking about why do I 
keep treating people......
Not a new question,
but seriously I couldnt explain.
Well, he asked if there is unconditional love,
and how far social exchange theory stands?

So I conclude:

1) My behavior is probably Im rather a lonely guy, using money to buy companion perhaps?

2) I believe the same dollar to treat, is used to do something the person couldnt have done at that moment, might evolve into something beautiful, rather than let it depreciate over time.

3) Unconditional love is present at parents when child is young, until some point when they looses this and became more demanding cuz they felt they put in enough effort for some reward. Though not applicable with all, cuz some young parents do not care their kids.

4)  It should be rather universal, just depending whether the exchange is "equal value" to another person eyes, again, symbolic interventionist, beauty at the eye of the beholder, individual values different stuffs differently.

Then last day shopping.
Sometimes I do feel extremely demoralize that Im not charming and skinny and fit,
such that I could look good in many fashion,
have my size for all clothes,
and attracts people whatever I wear.
Then again..... sigh..... what for?
Also, seeing friends buying stuffs for their siblings,
sometimes really wished I were to have siblings,
at least someone I could show care and concern for.

Well,
a short getaway ended,
was fun, tiring, and enriching too.
Really hoped that our friendship could continue on,
who knows what the future would bring,
especially with a rites of passage like NS.
But anyway,
on behalf of belated mid autumn, 
wish everyone longevity, 
and a bright future ahead!
May mankind lives on, enjoying the same pale moon..........!

Supp~~

Came back from Dick Lee's Hotpants, 

It was actually a great musical, 

about growing up, 

about how things screw up, 

but bottomline, 

people have feelings, 

and people need to reignite their passion, 

rediscover their passion, reminiscent about the good old days....

jokes are good, songs are catchy, and I got autographed by Dick Lee!!!
WOOHOOO fan boi!

Anyway, 

recently had a one to one talk with a great leader in my life, 

he actually told me that he admired how I bring my parents out, 

but actually, I am admiring about another friend of mine, 

who is 100 times better!

He works with his mum, he look for his mum, 

he find his mum to talk things, 

he gets dinner date with his mum, 

none of which I would ever do. 

Well anyway, 

days ago I tweeted,

咫尺天涯，心与心的距离，才是最遥远的.
So many ppl I wanna know more about, yet often, we can only stay as "a friend I know of"

There are many people in my life whom I wanna KPO into their lives,
helping whatever I can,
but we only have 24 hours in our lives,
I got no time.

How many of us actually bothered to notice the people around us everyday.
There was this customer of mine facing huge difficulties,
this person came for liqueur, I suggested a cocktail,
and then we started talking,
and found out that this person was heartbroken,
in midst of divorce, and forced to forgo this person lifestyle.
Details not to be disclosed.

Anyway, the point it,
the person told me Im the only person that the person talk to about this,
so it suddenly hit me, how many lonely souls are there walking with chains?
Many people around me I sense have alot of things kept in the heart,
yet they do not express it out, at least not to me,
and many times I do feel like knowing more,
at least if no solution, I can offer emotional release?
but yea.. no time.

The only times I can check out social media,
is after work, past midnight
when they probably be tortured by a problem so much,
they finally suppressed and decided to sleep,
so for me to dig them out is painful for them,
and I'll let it slide...

This is the only theme that no songs that depicts this comes into my head,
anyone have any idea plz share!
Well, maybe it goads me to write one??
hahas!

 

Looking at Bali picture,
so yearning for a getaway there,
where the pubs plays music,
booze is affordable,
and breakfast is enjoyed in the forests.......

Again and again I felt I've been organizing gatherings,
and just dont fit it right.

Even as simple as just come and eat and chit chat,
there were so many unhappiness,
what is wrong is people?

disorganized, but nothing much to plan right,
and everyone seldom meets,
so catching up needs time,
not like there's anything much to do together......

and yea, apparently ppl around me are not that versatile,
alot of things we have little experience......
seriously, I always felt regretful to organize gatherings,
but time and again I keep organizing.

So weird,
then someone pointed out to me,
it's that cuz I felt certain groups are so much of my life,
that I want them to be part of every highlights of my life,
and often, I am unwise.

As I should have followed my new point of view,
that every group is different and should utilize each group
with the right purpose of the group,
and not jell it together and hope things just work out.

Have to constantly remind myself this!

It's been long since i blogged,

Most of the time are spent working.
For July, I actually had 3 jobs,
Restaurant at night 6pm - 12mn,
but only 5 days
Geylang Serai drinks production for Ramadan pasar malam 10am-5pm,
only 4 days
then occasionally Giant as a packer.
then got Garfield Run,
got Energizer Run,
got Sound of Music,
and Ukulele Assemble SG.......

So yea how busy it was.
Then recently began seeing this girl,
so spent quite some time midst my busy schedule and our work schedule to meet.
so was a really really tiring July for me.........

Spent my bday simple,
just a dinner with Wushu and SRC,
then at night my great friends ZG and BW
came timbre for me after they left work at 11pm......

Then on weekend morning, fianlly me and dad has a common off,
so before the run we had a great dinner,
finally they are not complaining the price steep,
and agreed going out for a lunch..........
these kind of chances are rare, especially as I grow up....

Nothing much in highlight,
much to rant though.......
my mum entered into some MLM, and delved too deep,
from free membership, now buy their products,
then tried to enter our family meembers into it.........
and trying so hard to persuade me into eating those unknown vitamins........
OMG MLM is a strictly NO for me!
No matter what fuck is that.....
Trying to persuade me with shit logic and brainwashed mind and skewed facts,
I am fine with the body and lifestyle now,
I don't need any quick way to earn money,
neither any vitamins to enhance myself,
so shut up!

As much as I am disappointed they entered,
but I think back,
maybe this is the kind of feeling they had to me,
for spending lots on delicacies and musicals..........

Sometimes I really wonder whats there in life other than bullshits and more bullshits,
some people just are born with a silver spoon, nothing to care,
not much frets, not much problems,
and some worked their ass off just to have enough to live.

Working so hard for what, imagine im now adult,
working life everyday,
and then the money earned spent on some self "rewards",
like perhaps a holiday? some luxury items? Party?
then whats the point of working?
just to create the yearn of escape? of leisure?
so the leisure suppliers could earn and make a living too?
what pointless life!!

Realized my blog is a ranting blog after graduation.......
oh well........
sigh...... gonna chillout at some cafe before work reading.............
ciao

Well, it has been like forever since I blogged again.

So after graduation, I converted to full time in my current work at Adstragold.

Much to say about this experience, but then again it's all about perspectives. When comparing, the grass is always greener elsewhere. One of the most crucial factor of the convert is colleagues, yet sadly after a week working with him, he gotta leave due to family problems. So now Im stuck here. Initially, work was not as smooth, but I have gotten used to it, I believe I'm a much more patient and understanding person. Working with me are nice people, I sort of have an authority here, just that sometimes they boss always have his misunderstandings, and kept having an impression of me not being focused. Well, nothing really new about it. At least till now, none of my direct customer have any complains of me, and actually received a number of praises. These brightens my work life.

So while working full time, I utilize my off days to take a break from work, mostly food though, and yes, this week, due to re-scheduling, I have 2 half days and 1 full day off in a row. A break well timed! Last wednesday accompanied a friend in wake, slept 3h before work, then the following day is world cup when I bet, and then followed by Beerfest, so that 4 days, I slept only 3h a day.

Anyway, Beerfest was disappointing in terms of beers, there are all light beers and all taste like tiger, no flavor at all and are rather flat, However, the list of bands are awesome! First time seeing smashing guitar, and crowds standing on tables and piggy-back each other to rock with the Killer Queen!

Then, I spent my tue with cell group plus zh to the Trick Eye museum! Though more exhibits than Bali, the exhibits werent as interesting, but then it's well worth, considering we even had the 50% off sales! Then on wed, I visit the SCC kids. Surprised, that after so long, there are still kids flocking to me, hugging and pulling me, shouting my name like a celebrity. Maybe someday I would really set up a child care and set a whole new culture of children! That we teach them the traditions and values, and let them have the freedom to explore, the knowledge to grow, the resources to be creative! And wow! Im so impressed with this lion dance kid, that he is interested in this chinese culture, and are training everyday, and is rather cute!

Then we went to strictly pancakes, cost me a bomb! but oh well I guess I have depleted their menu hahas! Then went for How To Train Your Dragon 2. The movie was okay, lots of concepts not convincing, but the message it brought forward was good. I guess one of the things the movie taught is never to look down on yourselves. Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measures! Who are we to look to ourselves and think "Im not as capable, Im not as equipped, Im not special", because we should be looking into ourselves and think "why not?". By being inferior, and being afraid to take on responsibilities, and to not dare to try, is not going to give glory to God, for we are all His people. We are meant to shine, and unleash our potentials, such that we give inspirations and hope for others to shine as well! And as we are liberated from our fear, we also give others a chance to liberate themselves of their fear.

It's gonna be graduation.
i have no special inclination to it at all,
just another rites of passage thing to me,
rather pointless, cuz probably I didnt put it much effort
so the cert isnt something very worthy to me.
But anyway, glad that I gonna be graduating,
all the projects and intern all over.
I had a catch up with a course mate,
really amazed how much of our theory works he could still rmb,
really rare to find ppl like him that treasures the knowledge we gained as much already.

Anyway, so it woudl be friend bday too,
so gonna have a rojak celebration tmr.
First is for wushu post graduation dinner,
then is for my graduation,
then is for fren bday.

So honoured that without organizing,
wushu guys are coming, cell, ex cell, and ex students.
10 ppl are coming to see my graduation,
I think thats the most number of visitor anyone I know ever had sia!

=)

feel bad not having much time catching up with ppl,
but cuz of work anyway.
the pay isnt good right now,
but i still accepted the full time position,
due to more working hours,
job familiarity and satisfaction,
opportunity to exposed to more things,
and yes, as a lazy person, proximity is high on concern!

Well, I guess, soon, I'll close one chapter of my life again!
50 years of my life ahead.....
still pondering,
still contemplating,
still bewildered,
and rather fearful,
but hopeful,
and ironically a little anticipating.

But nothing is definite in the world,
so yea........ just gotta let time unravel the future~

Back from Bali. 
Land of Gods, Paradise Getaway, Island of Terrains.....

Loved it there.
Different parts of Bali has different experiences.
There were beaches, and hills, and sun, and breeze, and chill, and stars, and disco balls.

This trip made me think alot as well.

1) I thought of family. What does it take to be a family? What is an ideal family? Sometimes, despite the many wonderful places, my parents tend to spoil them with their tones and attitudes. Sometimes it's so irritating when you throw tantrum just because things doesn't go your way, and you assume this and that, and always think you are correct. And then you are rushing itinerary that you dont enjoy the places at all. Or you take pictures for the sake of taking them, and often frowns upon good photos that you spoil the mood of the photos. And then complain about money again. And also weird behaviors, embarrassing, and not being graceful. But then again, We Are One. Things dont always go the way we want. But we are still as one, looking ahead for better things together. But then again I saw the interactions of other families and all, I just kept feeling why cant I have a family like that? Sigh, un-content-ment.

2) Wages there are so low! That most locals there cant really enjoy the development of their own country. I think that's something common through all countries, that the developments are meant for tourists to enjoy not locals. And welfare, somehow I think sg has relatively better healthcare. And education for mentally challenged, in Bali, there isnt classification of mental challenges and its a taboo, as they believe in karma, that misfortune such as these occurs because the family did some grave mistakes in life, they shun and alienate these ppl. Pitiful....

3) The kind of life they live is rather carefree, simple, yet happy. Sometimes Im too burdened by my parent's enforced expectations of earning huge money. Like as if money is all worth in the world. Sigh.

4) I always believed that no matter what, if a person wants you down, you have no defence against him. You can take hundreds of precautions, but it all boils down to heaven. But above all, a good person, no matter how bad, there will be a greater help for you.

5) Service. Service standards were so much better there, to every person there even if the person is not in service sector. They greet you politely, they are patient to guide, they are appreciative of gratitudes. In service line, in F&B, they provide wet towels as you enter, and welcome drink, no matter if you decide to sit and eat or to change your mind. They always speak nicely. Oh! they speak languages! Dutch, France, Holland, Cantonese, Mandarin, Korean, English, Balinese, all types!!! wow!!!

6) Culture. No matter young or old, their traditions are passed down well. Their dances, practises and skills are hereditary! Yet in Chinese culture, it's becoming shitty as generations go by. Why? See our traditional music and dance? The lion dance? now got hip hop? face palm!

7) Health. I see old folks there are to climb the steps with ease, carrying their harvests, yet young tourist like us struggling.

8) Religion. So many types of religions and practises! shall not discuss much here.

9) Some teachers abandoned classes to drive tourists around, to earn extra money, and even have under tables to secure a government jobs, that dont necessary fetch good money, though guaranteed job, but they are that "desperate"? Why? What would happen to the children of their future? So sad =( Knowledge is compromised!

10) their bars all so entertaining! they do have a night life though their night starts at 6 till 11 only. Short working hours, but they lived good. So relaxing there! I think I drank every single night except the last night.

Have been mia for very long.

Basically my life is all about work right now, my boss was great to me, my welfare was good, and he allowed me flexibility at work. Ofcoz, I have also strive to make myself useful in the brewery. Learnt alot about the business and customer relations. 

Really happy when customers compliment about my smile, my service, my enthusiasm and all. 

Life was ironic for me.

Never be too quick to speak, nothing is really definite in life. 

Long ago I never thought I could be accustomed to such working life, I would never imagine myself being in a job the whole week, doing the same thing and all... I enjoyed work right now.

It's like long ago I have never imagined myself liking club songs or rock songs.

Long ago I wouldn't have interest in TCM and now JL approached me about it, and since 2 years back I actually wanted to know about TCM cuz it's a great safe solution to elder health. 

That brings me to the irony that long ago I have never considered migration, I would be devastated if I leave all my social connections and life in sg. But right now I actually have thoughts to go to Sydney. I mean like there is nth that ties me down to sg anymore. 

Now I understand why ppl say that friends could be established again. In life, there is a limit of close friends you could possibly have, cuz of the need of connections and the scarcity of time. And friendship now is a different phenomenon, all these years I have been searching for those kind of die-die-stick-together friendship that do everything together go everywhere together. But then it's not practical in modern society. 

Firstly cuz we take connectivity for granted due to social media. We lose that value of physically spending time together. 

Secondly there are too much interest activities in the world that ppl have different tastes.

Thirdly time drifts ppl apart faster cuz much things could be completed now in the same period of time as before. 

Thus I chanced upon groups on google, it's amazing about the number of ppl liking a particular interest. So it becomes task specificity social support model, we go to different groups of ppl to seek what we want at it's best possible chance. You don't approach a photography club if you need help in business, you simply approach the entrepreneur club as it yields higher chance of finding help. 

That being said, I guess I'm saving money for a trip to Sydney to see the culture there. And ofcoz, the retirement villagers there. It could be a path for me in the future. 

How I Met Your Mother has officially ended.

The last 2 episodes finale filled in all the gaps of the whole drama.
All in all, it's so "life", every thing about it, is like life in a dramatic way.
In the end, at some point in time, we still gotta say goodbye,
There's a time for everything, for all relationships,
Sometimes you realize the journey you've been taking has reached its final stop.
So the question becomes : Where do you go next?

That's probably the hardest, most intriguing question at some point in our lives.
I felt like Ted, except perhaps in a different manner.
I started off didn't really care about social relationships,
I am just friendly to anyone, then I get close to a few gradually,
then it hurts me when we drifted,
and the cycle repeats.

No matter how close were you,
I guess in the end, everyone got their own family,
own careers, and time spent would be much less,
but then once in a while on big moments when you reunite,
That's when time seemed to just rewind to the past.

Most important moments shouldn't be missed, you cant have them back, so don't give up crazy moments with your friends, they're probably the real-est kind of love you could get even for a moment. Some people are worth the effort to keep, some just have expiration dates.

Ted also thinks he is ready to be a relationship guy at the start of the drama,
but we found out that the whole 9 seasons is preparing him to be a good father.
Somehow I'm like that too,
I felt that having kids is the only worthy love I could pour to.
I felt everything is so superficial,
and that I always come across to friends as Older Brother Syndrome,
not really the kind of friends people have,I am rather awkward.
Yea often I heard comments that i'm like a "father" to my friends.
So perhaps I would want to skip all the relationship to having kids.
But then it's impossible, cuz I alone can't do that,
need a compatible someone..........
Someone...... perhaps with a yellow umbrella at the train station of Farhampton.  
But things happen for a reason, I'll just have to wait for it.

Ted is "old" for his age, is rather a bore, and likes things other ppl dont,
he liked to lecture and display his architecture prowess,
capable of perhaps dating at the lighthouse,
saying cold jokes and stuffs......
I feel so much like him....... hopelessly romantic.....

Anyway yea, then Barney finally became father too,
his marriage fell with Robin, cuz the sparks are too great,
that they are overwhelmed, and Robin is definitely not the kind of mum,
but at least they are frank to each other, complete honesty,
just like the vow.
Robin found her love in the end too,
at the right time, when all the possible knots are untied,
unfortunate that the mother, Tracey, actually died,
but in her final years, Ted was the perfect man for her,
loved her every moment of his life,
So for Robin, her final relationship would not cause her to be tied down with family responsibilities.

26th Mar:

Spend my whole day at the Ageing Conference at Pan Pacific, one of the last moments of my poly life with my class, I concluded our class still had more laughs hahas! Bunch of fun loving people! So Then at night went for Timbre, and had a casual talk with a friend. Simple day passed.

I guess it's official that my friendship with a friend I once considers close restarted.

Perhaps will not be as close anymore but at least I'm happier at this conclusion, at least I know what pisses him off, and realize our friendship rather superficial. I mean one moment will ask me for lunch n dinner, and talk about games and all, then one trivial matter can totally shut me off, so its all still at a companion level, no personal level yet.

It's ok, hope can continue eating and talking about games, I don't mind.

Sigh now that i know, at least no more resentment, now feel like holding something to give me some security feeling, but none....

Sometimes it's really hard to get a shoulder to rely on, or even to get a hug, esp with all the homosensitivity around. I really feel sad for ppl like me who got no one to receive hug from, and can't find a guy to do that cus it's just weird.... Cuz our culture, ppl stereotype fast... Esp for males... so ya, only bolster lor...

---------------

Time can never mend
the careless whispers of a good friend
to the heart and mind
ignorance is kind
there's no comfort in the truth
pain is all you'll find

-----------------

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

-----------------

I know it's not enough to say I'm wrong
You know that I will miss you now you're gone
I know it's not your life to see this through
Just know that in my heart, it beats for you
So leave a little note for me behind
I swear I have to know the reasons why
This won't survive

27 Mar:

Gathering with sec sch friends,
really surprised most of them remembered whatever I said long time before,
and yea other than those,
we really Talk Cock Sing Song,
lots of cold pun jokes by Cheuck as usual,
and then yea it was mostly laughter.
BKT and Cheesecake Cafe were closed,
we ate Tian Tian and O Coffee Club.
So excited for the next big event,
driving to Malaysia.

Yea, I rmb a few of my friends never flew on a plan before,
I seriously felt like devote one month of my time working,
so could have a short trip on a plane for them......
Then again my work is only 4h a day,
cant fetch me enough money.

Sigh~~~
Someday I will!

Yea it's really heartwarming to gather and have a good laugh,
I think in the end, the 94s people in my life
are the more lasting people.......
even though we not as gung-ho,
totally "xi shui chang liu" (thin water runs longer)
=) cheers to Talk Cock Sing Song!!

What an idiotic episode.

Sigh.
Today a close friend of mine suddenly left group,
the group was about to decide where to go tmr.
So then I was suddenly saddened, terrified.
This is cuz I just lost another close friend last weel.

Then I thought that, it should be bgr that he did that.
So then after awhile I found out I was right.
Then, it became worst.

I was disappointed, pissed.
I told him countless times,
not to vent anger on innocents,
not to deprive ppl of their rightful share
of happiness and time with him,
and this happened.

Dont tell me cuz no mood or what,
The whole world go through the same damn thing,
We are emotional I know,
I tear alot too, it's no shame,
But in the end I did not carry my problems around.

Then, Im disappointed in myself,
that he is not even talking to me his problems,
talking about bonding,
we came from a 10-ppl cell to 5,
then how is it bonding
when simple life problems such as this
not being shared........

Also disappointed in me being a lousy friend,
that people could walk out of my life on trivial matters,
my gosh, what bullshit about social,
total bullshit,
social ties are so superficial and shallow,
maybe cuz I couldnt taste the grapes to say its sour,
but whateever......
dont matter anymore......

Totally devastated,
to think about all the efforts and time,
to even rush there in 10 mins,
with a bike without  brake,
almost banged into traffic twice,
forgot about the steep slope and almost out of control also,
sweat like pig and all in vain cuz he's aslp already.......

sigh.............
never been so angry in my life.......
though I think I probably soft heart again,
but for now, Im a cold hearted machine.......

Mundane these few days.

Fri talked to JL for 3h before training.
We talked so broad that I cant remember everything he said,
Then sat morning training, then is fellowship night with the cell roaming marina,
before that was service, which is kindda in line with whatever JL say.
Then today, bought an electric guitar,
Hossan Leong show later.

So..... some summary:

- Heaven chose extraordinary people to achieve feats, that doesnt mean only they can do it, doesnt mean you must have something in order to do it, you are able to achieve it too even with ordinary stuffs in your hands.

- "And so you helped, and so you succeed, then you look back, ohh, there are so many people", we cant help everyone in the world. 

- The human need of Carnality, often builds mental blocks, self drawn lines and self built perimeter that restricts wisdom and understanding.

- Human define and explain things in our limited knowledge, we must also accept the fact that there are knowledge we do not yet understand, until then, we can only learn

- People in the end are all the same, things and problems are the same, just that it happens still, because we have yet to experience that path, these kindda paths probably are meant for us to go through only then we can be better than others.

- Moderation. We should achieve moderation in all we do to do our roles well. However, this do not mean compromising. If we compromise in order to achieve moderation, it is not true moderation. Our priorities, attitudes and times should be in moderation.

- We should not bring home our troubles from roles to roles unless deliberately discussed. No matter how passionate a teacher is, no matter how much the society emphasize on going the extra mile, who defined that extra mile, who gave the concept that a good teacher must go the extra mile. As a teacher, during your role, you can reach out, show concern, etc, but other than that, do not bring the worries home to your kids, your spouses, etc, if not, it becomes a problem, a burden, a distraction, for you to perform your other roles.


------------------------

Sigh, a friend is still not responding to me after the friend got angry. Sigh, I choose not to aggravate the matter to visit and etc, shall just await the return. If by wed no news, I guess I have to accept the fact that people come and go, I probably lost another close friend. Sigh. Lost so many people in life that I guess Im not really a people person after all. As much sadness as I feel, I should learn to put it down.

-----------------------

On the other hand, some random new friend dreamt of me! hahas dont think anyone had that before?? random but yea, thats cool~

Oh one more random thing, the whole cell actually knew about that Thai song, Kamikaze, Splash Out........ like....... seriously???? is THAT popular????

-----------------------

想妳三暝三日　從頭到尾把妳想一遍
　明知影無彩工　風吹草動嘛心震動

Thinking of you 3 days 3 night,
Thinking about all these memories we've been,
So obvious thinking wont change a thing,
But it's like the grass wants to rest but the wind kept blowing

想妳三暝三日　一點一滴按怎放抹記
　乎妳帶走的我的靈魂　只有是隨風亂紛飛

Thinking of you 3 days 3 night,
Every detail so reluctant to be erased,
As you took away my soul as you depart,
Leaving an empty shell wandering

夜雾那么浓 开阔也汹涌
有一种预感 路的重点是迷宫

Just had a gathering in celebration of the champion team, 
great day I guess, but not really perfect,
kindda screwed up cuz one of them left. 

Sigh, didnt expected that,
then drown myself in more songs...

Sometimes, I really wished the eyes are cameras, 
that could capture every hearty laughter and gleaming eyes, 
of that moment of joy shared by everyone, 
perhaps thats a common goal for event photographers, 
but to me, it's more than a moment, more than a memory,
it's like a diminishing essence of life.....

I mean, life is not perfect, 
we have unglams moment, 
but not like we are gonna display unglams to shame on people, 
somethings these unglams make better memories than glam posed shots....

Sigh, no idea how our friendship would go, 
Ive seen people walk offs,
and as they left, 
it seems like a part of myself, my memories, my emotions, my life, 
have left along as well.....  

I really wonder what would NS life be. 
Normally people would have strong bonds with the platoon, 
but how about former friends?
Are we friends just because we have a common "group",
Could we be more that companions, 
those kind of people that may not meet but could gel perfectly fine?

Oh right, anyway I found someone to sing Ji Pa Ban with me!!!!!!!!
So damn high that day la!!! we quite gam, like some partner in crime!!
All the cold jokes, lol-ness, guffaws and all...... hahas!
So damn "brother" feel lo!! hahas !!!!!!

Hmm, decided to consider Blue Yeti,
cuz it seems reasonably good for a starter mic,
then hunting for electric guitar, digital drum / cajon, harmonica.......

Other than that, starting work soon to pay for all the musical instrument spree......
Then it's till NS I guess..... 
Hmm, yea the end of the path is yet another labyrinth......... 

It's been like decades since I last updated again.

Well I'm kinda aimless in life right now. 

Kindda feel like I wanna enjoy my holiday but not much happenings.

PTL though that before the haze saga n monsoon season I went to most parks already. Hort park to Mt Faber, botanic gardens, by the bay, etc.....

Some highlights would be:

The Quest 2014, we had 3 teams, DQ. ZH, KY and CH came in champion!!!! Walked away with iPads and cameras and lots of gift vouchers, including celebrity fitness membership!! Cool !!

Bought ukulele for the cell, complete colours. Long term investment, hopefully can bond us better. I mean after all these years I still think we are not truthful enough, not open enough, not dependable enough, etc etc. 

Choke full of bean is cool! Went with dq n family, made me wonder what kind of a brother would i be if i had siblings. Many ideals bro i wanna be but im sure it is freaking impossible. Slept over at dq house for first time hahas. 

Went for Rolling Stones concert, ofcoz their music themes not exactly nice, it's after all power, sex and drugs, but they are really awesome to maintain the energy the hype the quality at such pioneer age. Sad though about the death of his girlfriend. I think self harm and suicide are signs of coward, lame, immature, failure, escapist, good for nothing, waste earth resources, losers. 

I guess everyone feel worthless in some time in life, I think I feel that constantly, no doubt thinking of vanishing on Earth is easy solution, but seriously, no problems on earth are totally new n unprecedented, why all the fuss?

I think I struggle alot through own things, about lying to the point my life is a lie, about loneliness and desperations, some addictions or fetish, some rebellion, some self pity, misfit, but that don't make me suicide at all.... 

Sigh. 

To all ppl in the world....

Stay strong!!!!! 

We walk, but felt like trapped on the spot,
We live, but felt like mere existing,
We love, but felt like drifting away,
we smile, but felt like fountain of tears..........

多少人走着却困在原地
多少人活着却如同死去
多少人爱着却好似分离
多少人笑着却满含泪滴

Such beautiful lyrics!!

Unofficial graduation on Feb 17 was great,
we went ktv after that!
Miss those times!

Well that marked the end of poly life.
Been exploring Singapore,
and have lots of new experiences.

At River Safari, didnt expected that I would enjoy so much,
I find the animals so cute!
How the Mantinees eat, and use their flippers like hands of babies,
the red pandas chasing around each other, and looking at passer by with curiosity,
the panda, sleeping with such attitude,
the alligator,  and the monkeys!

How are they feeling inside?
Dont they have a need of novelty?
What high levels of obedience to the law of nature!

Also as I travel I notice the number of mentally challenged,
some were doing weird actions yet the wrinkles
at the corner of their eyes says that
they are happy.
What is their purpose?
How are they feeling?
What made them so happy?
Why can't we?

Then I went to Labrador,
I was in luck to witness Kingfisher preying the 2nd time in my life!
So graceful! so beautiful!
And monitor lizards!!! 4 of them!!!!!!
And the butterflies, the mudskippers, all so amazing.

I have been to country club as well!
Singing my day there.
And talked to many interesting people,
so much stories, so much resilience in life!

Went to the first Neon Lights night with Goodfellas!
Great time dancing and jumping!
Like a mini clubbing kindda thing with awesome music
instead of techno electrical sounds.

And the usual wednesdays with enigma,
some big shot recognized and shoutout by them as I walk in!
Hahas!

Then, pretty much, have not been socializing to my usual social circle.
No idea why too, just like I was waiting for some ppl to ask me out,
but since there were none, I set off myself,
to places I want to go, do things I want to go.
More freedom like this,
nothing is really definite.

Was rather furious at some,
but then after that,
I again realize I had my expectations too high,
trivial things though,
not showing me results,
not bothering to ask me out
declining overseas trip but previously said "anything", "up to you".
we should leave people to shape their own image, 
instead of shaping them with our expectation and imagination. 

At times felt so hurt,
when I say i wanna take up a musical instrument,
some of them gave me that "are you kidding me" look,
also, when I obviously know something,
but the person lied in front of me?
I respect the privacy, but the hurt is still there,
like the professor in "Lie To Me" knowing the lies,
yet chose to remain silent.

But there are times I felt happy,
to wish me on festive seasons,
rmbring stuffs,
wearing my gifts,
bringing me food......

No matter now, after all, we all walk our own lives,
helps are bonus.
Some cling on tight on social,
but maybe it's not my cup of tea,
not my privilege to have those kind of
gung-ho bunch of ppl,
sharing same interests,
support each other,
almost 24/7 together,
achieving something together,
being happy just because of the companion,
not the activities.......

Yea,
No condemnation
No comparison
No competition
Only encouragement

holds so true! so hard! so ideal..........

谁知道我们该去向何处 
谁明白生命已变为何物 
是否找个借口继续苟活 
或是展翅高飞保持愤怒 
我该如何存在

This song suits the mood so well!
Every morning I wake up I asked, 
"Who knows, where should we head to?"
Who understands what is the meaning of life?
On what reasons we struggle to be alive?
Or to grasp to our persistent and soar up high?

Then, I also became a movie/TV/anime junky.
I've watched Lie To Me, Perception, White Collar, Criminal Minds,
Kuroko, Eden of East, Frankenstein.....

And kindda think again,
What is there in life?
Motives, Emotions, Lies, Perception,
drives the world, other than that, life is pretty plain.
Some of us turn to religion, some to dreams, ambitions,
to make sense of the world we live in.

I have 50 plus years to go on,
how should I live my life?
I have no directions,
not because I dont have,
There is no drive, nor reasons,
for my fighting spirit. 

Capgras delusion is a disorder in which a person holds a delusion that a friend, spouse, parent, or other close family member has been replaced by an identical-looking impostor. Pareidolia is a psychological phenomenon involving a vague and random stimulus (often an image or sound) being perceived as significant, a form of apophenia. Common examples include seeing images of animals or faces in clouds, the man in the moon or the Moon rabbit, and hearing hidden messages on records when played in reverse. Savant syndrome is a condition in which a person with a mental disability, such as an autism spectrum disorder, demonstrates profound and prodigious capacities or abilities far in excess of what would be considered normal.

Another day has gone

I'm still all alone

How could this be

You're not here with me...

Spent the day with J n T, never fails to make me laugh alot and come home with aching abs hahahas. Played monopoly and was crazy about it. And wow historical moment when Tai is out of luck! Then had so much crap going around such as the loserville, brothel street, kidnapped princess and grandfathers road hahas! Oh we have SMRT too! He won due to the monopolizing the 4 train stations hahas! His most epic victory.

Then went to Santouka, they weren't that hyped on it as me, big after 10s of ramen shop I still think that's the best. 

Then wanted get smoked duck pizza at timbre but it was full house and a long queue, so strolled to city hall n went home. 

Simple day for me.

We were talking about how in the end we still having most fun n endless topics together, and our crazy expectations that no girls could match. Hahas!! 

Well but yea,

It's always a challenge to me, 

To be contented on the 80% I have 

And not be blinded by the 20% I seek.

At least I guess we are natural A&C with one another, to keep us in track, not doing irrational stuffs, and to support one another. 

That time someone asked me "you want us go over?" When I talked about my graduation. I seriously meltz.... They too right away marked their calendars.

Oh well, actually quite a huge portion of my social circle feeling worst being alive at home so I'm contented hahas. 

Well still, my ideal :

Love food 

Love coffee

Love Chinese culture 

Oldies

Adventurous 

Understanding (wise? Kan de kai?)

Knows my needs automatically 

Don't throw tantrum till at home

Settles arguments ASAP at home

Get along with parents 

Still close to her friends 

Energetic to cheer me 

Loves surprises 

Don't mind snoring 

Don't mind burps 

Don't mind fat 

Camwhore but not obsessed 

Live the moment 

Volunteers 

Appreciate art

Do not mind sports 

Converse intellectual topics 

Sociable but not butterfly 

Spends wisely but not frugal 

Musically inclined no need talented 

Not too sensual 

Well, guess CNY was awesome.
Being "Xing Zai Le Huo",
Jo could join us due to some cock up in their registration.
The whole bai nian was great,
though in the end is mainly 4 of us, and ky, and yk,
but yea we had fun.
Even the yearly tradition bbq at JL house seemed so fun.

Hahas, then sadly gotta leave them at 7 to go for sleepyheads gathering.
Well, not the kind of gathering I wanted.
Rather quiet.
When I reached,
everyone was watching the fking tv rather than
talking, laughing, catching up....
so yea, was disappointed.

Well again im comparing,
but yea sorry that I have so much expectations,
especially when I have less than 6h sleep over a 24h priod,
I have no mood to entertain ppl,
waiting ppl to entertain me......
but nope, not the kind of group,
that could actually make me last through a whole day.....
thx B4! really!
for at least, to have a mentality to carpe diem!

Then, towards the end,
racked up some teasings here and there
to brighten up the atmosphere,
then escalated too quickly......
now I think im a little in trouble?? =((

Hmm, yea today I scrolled through my hp,
realized that Im getting more distant to a friend of mine,
and I had foreseen this happening,
any close friend of mine wouldnt last more than a year or so being close.
Soon, it may just be another passerby, a "guo ke"
cant even past june where I wrote than write to future note.

Ofcoz, connection will be there cuz we will meet once a week,
but guess it stops there?
getting lesser replies,
and the absence of presence,
sometimes at times I needed the person.
sometimes even reluctant to help?
maybe misunderstood that I am trying to irritate?
but yea, must i explain so much if u know me well enough
to know my personality my intentions my character?

Maybe soon I might develop a phobia,
phobia of establishing a close friendship cuz I know it wont last more than a year.
But ofcoz, bits of heartwarming love is felt,
when I see them using my bag, my wallet, my shirts, my shoes that I bought them...

Well, started a penpal. 
Hopefully some "zhi yin", the person who knows my melody.

Oh, and started a new tv series, perception. 
Love the quotes!

-------------------------

Normalcy

What is "normal"? Some kind of neurochemical imbalance?

Is it all bad? For some who were labelled "abnormal", their psychological or neurological state protects them of painful truths, some have Cheerful Disposition that may have helped them to cope with situations.

The baseline is, it is how our brain response to certain stimuli,
If we are able to treat these "abnormal" people to code "normalcy"
Though we are helping them to fit in into society,
We are also stripping away what makes them unique,Robbing them essential part of who they are........

-------------------------

Our brain creates fantasies to concoct elaborate scenarios,
We imagine ourselves achieving our dreams and ambitions. 

But fantasies can turn dark,
when we started to believe there is monster under bed
or that the evil forces are aligning themselves against us.

All these fantasies stems from a revolutionary imperative
our brains exploring potential outcomes that help achieve our goals avoid danger 
But when we allow fantasies to overtake our thinking that we miss the reality in front of us, and sometimes, reality is not so bad.......

---------------------

Are we really seeing?
In actually fact, we are all pretty blind.
The optic disc is a point where no light sensitive rods or cones are present to respond to light stimulus of matter.
"We all have eyes but we don't see."
The reason you never notice the blindspot, because your brain is good at guessing what should be there, and automatically filling it the blank on our own assumptions and knowledge. The eyes sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.