Its past midnight again, 2am... Cant sleep as usual, ever since my body clock was screwed up. Oh well, tomorrow, as in tue, supposed to have a big plan to go eat burger since I have coupons. It would have been at toa payoh, 6 of us, KY would have joined us, then off to my house to eat log cakes. However, sadly, unfortunately, Ky was down with cough again. Sigh, so vulnerable, just like lin. Sigh.

So this would be the most complete xmas so far. I spent this festive season with lots of groups of friends, solid rock cell, pop cell, scc alumnis, cheuck, wx first class and potentially joel sim and zkzj and toasted group.

Well Jo mentioned once to me on, that we sort of ceased to talk anymore, but rather crap around. Thinking back how I used to find him to talk 50% of things out, now lesser and lesser. But thinking back, I also mentioned to Tai before, that the reason is that Jo had a personality change during o lvls, and a little "mr. know everything" attitude as he talk. Which now should no longer have, but previously this turns away people. Perhaps due to academy stress, also perhaps he rather not exposed to the world enough, also perhaps too many people in his life finding him for listener. So I also realized ofcoz our relationship was stagnant, so I told him frankly not to get jealous of my involvement with other people. I mean 4 of us had gone through much, had peak of our bonds, have gone through disputes and conflicts too, yet still remain close, thats how we lasted through the tests of time. So occasionally, I might expand my involvement, just as how Kaya spreads =) so dont mind me.

That was also the 2nd time I did not send KY home, as I was afraid to miss xmas with them. Sometimes, really, I wished I could be split into different parts to make my relationship with people around me complete, but that would defeat the purpose of relationship, since you can be everywhere everytime, there isnt any quality time anymore, and isnt any worthy sacrifice or wise decisions.

Then appeared he is sick again. Sometimes he really reminds me of myself, how vulnerable was my body then too, towards virus and bacteria, and how much perseverance we had last time, where I was a yes man as long as my both legs are still in contact with ground. They say there are many mirrors in our lives, physical mirrors could let us see our appearances, history as mirrors, could teach us the future through our past, friends as our mirrors, could reflect on our character. 以銅為鏡， 可以正衣冠。 以古為鏡， 可以知興替。 以友為鏡， 可以明得失。 Perhaps, these are the few most important mirrors in my lives, though he is one under construction I suppose. I told my parents about the few log cakes I sponsored and etc, as usual they kindda frown upon the idea but well, this is a generation kind of thing I guess, as SX and KG used to subsidize and sponsor us last time, it's time where we assume their roles and pay it forward to the next generation, this is where social support came in, under emotional and financial support. As most seniors do, we really hope that the person we are cultivating will grow up strong one day, and bear fruits for the next and next generations. Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. The culture prevails, hopefully. Sometimes, I wished I could have a bro that I could take care of, or a bigger one that could nag me. Sigh.

A song reached me that day at City Harvest, here's a verse I like:
If you have some questions
In the corners of your mind,
Traces of discouragement,
The peace you cannot find,
Reflections of your past,
Seem to face you everyday,
But this one thing I do know,
That Jesus is the way.

Sometimes, I believe the success of Christianity is to give believers confidence and trust in the Almighty one, that we have the courage and morale to go on. I came across this quote: There are times when you don't feel good yet you simply can't pin down what you don't feel good about. Yes it's so true, Ive been feeling weird lately but just couldnt really tell what was it. A sort of emptiness, yet unsure what is it, cant be friends, cant be material wealth, perhaps fear of future? perhaps lack of spiritual faith? Im just lost in the midst of lost.

Anyway, Im suspecting something in someone's life, gonna slowly figure out the puzzle again.