Sigh, every since ORD, i dont know, things were rather great, tangibly, but not so intangibly.

Many times I felt Im really not a good son. I cant communicate to my mum at all.

You see, there's just so many things that she is different. Personality wise.

1) She always felt that what ever I am doing that do not earn money are useless things. She never see the value in socialising. She has been a housewife all her life, how can I expect her to understand? Then how else can I make her understand?

2) She is too petty to everyone. For example, she expects people to pay sky high 2.5k and above for starting job. She never see the need of probation period. She never understand the need of progressive or proportionate to performance. She expects the whole world paying for my every effort I did.

3) She always thinks the whole world is using me. Yes I know a lot of times Ive been cheated of money, or that I spend unnecessary on people, on cakes, on food, but that doesnt mean it has no value at all. I mean, at the end of the day, if a little expenditure takes away others stress on financial issues and thus we can have a good time enjoying a meal or activity, why not?

You see, most importantly, at the end of the day, all I need is a home where I can go back to, asking me hows everything, briefly know what I did and then care more on whether ive eaten, or how do I feel, instead of "oh why cant you do this? or why must you do this?" kindda conversation. I envy families that watch movies together, play games together, organises family outings, and never seems to have such tough conversations. Can't she talk about "oh, you did this, how did it go, anything funny happened?" instead of "oh how much you spend again, you know you poor dad earning very little.... etc etc...?"

I am blessed enough to be in this family, because they are really nice, to be constantly helping me to get stuffs when Im busy. I know their effort, I appreciate, but you dont have to put other people down to steal the limelight. You dont have to say things like "why arent you given money to buy the materials?" or "why they dont provide you transport to carry the props?". The problem is:

1) If every trivial problem I ask for money, I ask for "red carpet", what kind of man am I?

2) I am normally an understanding person, usually I'm not peculiar about money matters, not because I dont fret it, it's because I know if I can afford, why cast this burden on others?

Now that I am unemployed, it's really really a heavy stress on me. my time is so occupied with all the small stuffs that in a long run will get me somewhere (hopefully), and so for now I wont earn much, I cant provide them luxury rich wealthy life........ and I will depend on them for now, but even this basic "love" or "support" that I want to, is filled with so many tears and unhappiness. I mean, everytime taking our plight to scold me, how could I even bear to take such money.

Am I not good enough?

Am I not independent enough?

Everytime bring them out so much comments so much critics........
what did I do wrong?

Everytime say "I did not say that",
what am I suppose to argue back? confirm lose one.....

Am I not considerate enough?

I'm so tired........ of not getting the ideal kind of family dynamic i wish to have.
Or maybe it's just me, not seeing how lucky I am.....

sigh....... useless.....

........ nvm continue this next time....