couldnt sleep, or should i say no mood to sleep, drankly, i cried, 2nd consecutive day, dont know why tears just soaked my eyes. it's about studies again, i think, cant really remember how it started, was watching tv happily then mentioned english again. didnt really catch his words but the word 'childish' kindda triggered the beast inside me. yesterday too was the same problem. he said i played too much games, i felt deeply hurt as compared to others, i am like half of them, many had comlained the devoid house i have, not much online gamesnor board games. i felt insulted when they said those words, and have always hoped for someone to cheer me up, since i dont know when. well, he said because of games i write fantasy stories, unrealistic. i must admit i dont read alot of books thus unable to come up with nice stories, but, sigh, to me his words are like saying im not realistic at all, which is crap, who do he think am i? today did not wish to quarel, but seriously, the constant mentioning of past mistakes mkaes me so pissed and therefre flared up. as a human, not dogs or cats (which i believe they will too), we feel guilty of our mistakes, so why mentioning repetively, like as if purposely wanna create quarel. so i said that he had never congratulate me for anything this year, all i remember was the time he said my improvement at piano was good, i was so hoping they would congrts we when i got 82 for emaths as 3D had only 1 passes, but yet they did not, therefore decided not to tell them the rest of the marks. then on parents teacher meet, my life is doomed. i do appreciate how to improve on my studies, but not critisising old mistakes. until now, i think i've lost quite a number of valuables, but think again, each time i lost, it would be an apoclayspe, so the next time lost something it would be like, so what, sooner or later also kena. i dont believe small bad lucks would lessen the huge misfortune lies ahead, shixiong is wrong. im weird i know, i yearn for a family time where there is a common topic besides stocks and studies, maybe family games and such, or picnic etc. this would probably sound insane to most haha. sigh, hope my own family would be a better place. i dont know, my parents seemed to have hih expectations, im just not up to the challenge, cant blame me, and he said it himself, all this is for my future, to earn big $$. seriously, $ had deprived children. example, for many, because of the good for child's future, some parents give ever-going tuition, for the rich, endless toys, spoiling them. are they really happy? society is shit, i just could not take it anymore, i dont really know how to explain, but i had this suffocation in me, like i want to release all my strength, and become violent and brutal, weird and scary feeling... sigh, well, blame my luck, i've got nothing to say.  someties i really feel like trying what is life without home, the door is always open as he said. blame me for a big stomach, doubt i can survive a day. maybe family isnt a good choice, maybe 'home' is a better description, get the meaning? in family, there are bonds, communications and faith, in home, there is only shelter, place to sleep and food. i really doubt my life would have a purpose, but suicidal isnt a wise way to find out, sadly...

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