The Birthday Chapter

Today was such a weird but awesome day. Started the day without any plans and no one jio me on this very day thus I accepted a "video shoot" at Studio Z. A part of me was salty that I didn't have anyone to ask me out today. No plans. Then JL ask me for a videoshoot on THIS VERY DAY, appearing ignorant of ts importance?!?! The more realistic part is the "oh after the shoot we will be busy editing so you can hang around the studio", wlao not even a dinner or something.................. 

Due to watching Thor at Imax 3D last night, I slept in quite a lot, then went to support "Majie" Tour, then a birthday steak lunch with C and then with W to the 5 scoops of Ice Cream on 1 waffle. 

Was initially bumped as the people closest to me didn't actually "wish" me Happy Birthday, tbh I felt bad that 28 years of my life these closest friends didn't remember. Though I'm kinda expecting the jio only after the waves of FB reminders and all start coming in, since most of the time I am the one initiating to meet up and throw a party for my bday. So after lunch, it was 5pm, I met up with Z and SS to walk around Plaza Sing, then went to Studio Z as they claimed to have a "Video Shoot" of me in a talk show. When I was reminded that there may be other panelists I actually panicked, but was told it was an internal shoot so that got me off guard. Upon reaching the studio, I stepped into the "shooting room" to find myself showered with party poppers, WL, LL, DQ, SL, WH, MY, JQ, KP, WS, were all in this super elaborate plan altogether! It was so believable as JL mentioned they will be busy with editing and all. Wlao! Never would I expect something like this. I was expecting a simple dinner within the group to "celebrate" after the "video shoot", but it was all but a part of the ONE BIG GRAND PLAN!!! 

Thanks guys! Super super super touched as people like JQ, KP, WS traveled all the way north for this! And WL, LL, DQ, SL, and even KH are supposed to be here for the big day! Played some party games, ktv, boardgame, and then drinking game. I guess I ended up quite bad cuz I don't remember much except when I woke up at the staircase of Tanah Merah and grabbed home. 

ZH not only had gotten me a John Lennon shirt shipped from Ukraine, but also Thor Imax 3D last night, and then a JD sneakers today, Nike AirMax! Then JL and CL bought be a set of clothes to upgrade my wardrobe, which I am constantly appreciative and grateful for! MY set up a date with her friend and I am rather excited to meet her as I never thought someone like her would still exist in the world! Though we just know each other but the level of detail she has on me shows the extent a good friend can really go. I didn't think I have mentioned about my flaws and my "criteria" since so many has said I'm too out of reach and the ideal girl I wanted no longer exist. So for this, I'm super super super touched! I must say, because of the phuket trip, my Instagram game upgraded and thus the "date" accepted to meet me! WOWOWOOWOWW for the first time in my life I felt I am super valued, and a girl actually "approve" of my appearance and accepted the match up! I am no longer the DUFF! I am no longer the side character! 

Words cannot express the heartfelt gratitude of these people in my life, for JL to contact all my closest friends to throw me a surprise. I felt, if one day I had a proposal or wedding plan, these would be the friends that would do anything everything for me. These are the friends who would not be shy if intervention were to happen. These are the friends who will be the constant pillars of my life, to remind myself about the silver lining at every future stage of my life. For the more introverted like JQ and SS, so so so so honored to be the one that they would step out of their comfort zone for! JQ had to go through a TCM treatment at bedok right before the surprise, and managed to still come in for the night! Everyone had work in the next 4 hours but all stayed through the night to make the night a super memorable one. Feels super super super good that this time round I didn't initiate anything at all and they did everything on their own accord. Super super super touched, I am pouring at the point of this blog entry (okay no la, drama only sial, just tears of joy hahhahahas).  KP had to celebrate an aunt birthday but also managed to come to join in the celebration eventually, and volunteered to send us back to the east. So so so so so so touched! WS came alone this time, and traveled far and wide from east to north west just for me. I am beyond words for this kind of dedication and kindness towards me, I am truly happy that I still deserve this much greatness in my life. 

Hanging out with the bigger boys always made me ponder the life decisions I made in my life, that I am neither here nor there. I was so convinced of a non white collar work, of the gig economy, of the freedom of time and money I could achieve, only to find myself lagging in pandemic-friendly skills, I don't have any technical expertise in any fields, don't even have stability in career, and career progression is so ambiguous, this alternate road I travelled has not been the smoothest, and to embark on my degree at this stage of my life means I am past my prime career-pursuit age, my goal at 30yo is a step improvement but still I would be lagging behind sooooo much. But yet, these little things, these little wonders, reignites a glimpse of hope that at least I have made differences in the people around me, at least I was in some ways, at some time, to some one, a radiating beam of joy. Thank you!

Then comes the day after, Monday, where we started off with a NDP filming for a MV, then Dani Corliss Kris surprised me with a cake, no wonder they "Late"! At night, MY and WH planned for a dinner with me, I went along, then MY gave me a very nice "Simba", wowoowowow Lion King is my fav disney cartoon, cuz I always relate to how Simba is trying to learn adulting at Lion King 1, and then at 2 is like learning the push and pulls of a parent, and then Simba's daughter Kiara is someone questioning existence, about social constructs and purpose of life, loved the song "We are One". It's like the lyrics goes like "As we go through life we'll see, there is so much that we don't understand. And the only things we know is things don't always go, the way we planned." So anyways, she gave me ayellow roses too symbolising friendship and joy, and a looooong message tgt with wh, very very touching indeed. She got the gift of words hahhahas! Mistake reading on the train though felt like a rejected guy with flowers reading break up letter at the corner seat of the train cabin. So then the night continues to a surprise Candlelight Concert of ABBA!!!! Wooohoooooo my first candlelight event, at the renowned CHIJMES. So the birthday week isn't over, the next day boss called for a meeting, which turns out to be a birthday celebration for Kris, Me, Simon and Patara too. Very very thoughtful!

As I said, I don't know where the future holds, and don't know what I am doing right or wrong, nor if the path I take is wise, but I do know one thing for sure, I know where I am DEFINITELY not gonna be. I'm still grateful for the googly eyes moments I have today! 

So once again from the bottom of my heart.............. 

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!! for such a meaningful and memorable birthday surprise I ever had!

 JOURNAL IN JULY

As I countdown to the day I arrived on this planet. I would like to say thanks to all of you, playing big or small part in my life, and that special bunch around me still today, that still maintained a certain frequency of catch ups, and seen me through my ups and downs. Gonna be honest, I do only consider the list below special for the reciprocal friendships, and importantly the depth, but then I meant it when I say each and every person in my life, past, present, future, matters to me, for you shaped me to who I am today. 

J, S, T : Being my first group of closed friends, that we went through thick and thin, we quarreled, we travelled, we went through blood, sweat, tears together through the journey of life. You are my first horizons of life paths, my first buddies to have a go at training, you accompanied me on a huge part of my teenhood. You saw the best of me. You witness the breaking of my cacoon. You celebrated my success. Thank you! 

CCH : For being the first kind of friend that exchanges countless discussions on various topics under the sun, to challenge each other on viewpoints, to explore alternate views, and to intellectually stimulate each others mind. 

D, W, Y, K : For being there at the randomness times, for the good times, for the late nights, for the cheap thrills, for the break on life, for the ktv, cafe and food. Glad that all of you have found your other halfs! And for all of you individually, thanks for opening up your vulnerabilities and sharing your rites of passage to me that I gain insights and experience indirectly from you. 

CSY : For the guy that reminds me of the simplicity of life, yet with the pessimistic side of life lingers on, and the transience part of life that allowed simple joys you would find. You boosted my ego to be a provider of knowledge to you. You are always attentive to my random commentaries. You have went through so much in life, that to be honest, I don't even know if I have the emotional capacity to go through what you went through. Your resilience amazes me. You remind me of my principle of life to "make the best out of what life gives, and to give a little more to people around me to ease of their burdens through life as much as I can."

D, K, C : Thanks for keeping my sanity in check. You made my journey in the industry much bearable. You are the mother of life I never really have. You are current yet experienced. You are naggy yet not annoying. Your sensitivity touches me that my presence are felt. Your trust and confidence in me affirmed my passion and the faith in humanity. Your patience on my temper is a constant reminder for me to be better as a person. Your humility kept my ego in check too. Your extra-miles reassured me that I wont be alone in this journey. Your sacrifices kept me going to improve the industry bit by bit, at the best of my abilities. 

TZH : I am honestly beyond words. The long walks, the long nights, the honest conversations, probably only a few could do that. Honestly, you impacted me more than anything, though may be very small increment, but I am working towards that. I may not agree with every viewpoints, but I certainly learned a lot from you. About life, about my flawed judgment, about my self limiting beliefs, about my naive personality, about the harsh reality. I remember you mentioned that one of the greatest fear is probably the one day where your friends are no longer around, I guess me too, though I might not admit back then. You put friends on a high priority of your life, yet at the same time, you are very accepting about its transient tendencies. I am glad to be part of that "friend". And I hope this friendship last. Interestingly enough I felt you have brought be out of the well I dwell in, out of my comfort zone, and let me see a world I would not have known. Your friends are very sociable and accepting. I consider myself to be such opposite of you I am constantly afraid to be a burden of the friendship. But you are patient. You took time to dissect the root of our differences in opinions on all things, such that I can identify the flawed biasness in me. I remember when you brought your ex to meet me at paya lebar. I remember the gifts you gave me, for I am a very lousy gifter. You changed half of my wardrobe and gave me more confidence in myself. I am honoured beyond words. I am still eternally in debt to you, but thanks for sticking by my side despite everything. 

KP : For being a great check of reality to me, to punch me with hard questions, to explore the vulnerabilities of humans, the flawed side of humans, to embrace myself with candid emotions, open my horizons to the wilderness of the greater world out there, to redefine my boundaries and priorities, to fuel my motivation for a better self, and courage to step out of comfort zones.

J, C, W, M : We connected only recently. I always ponder the interesting occurrence of every factor in life that made this friendship possible. The late night guru sessions from J, so interesting how you could summarise your day, your life, your situations, in paragraphs of lessons. All of you allowed me to dig deeper in your train of thoughts, on your perspectives on matters, for being the devil advocate for alternate views, towards a more etymological understanding of my own emotions and thoughts too. You validated my strengths, you forgave my mistakes. You make me a more honest person in terms of tearing down my facade and be honest about my own emotions. You may be the group I can fulfill some of my life dreams with. C for offering views from the different gender, different social groups, and the candid recounts you have in life. M for the cool vibes, the inclusivity, the blindspots, the acceptance, and the funny gen z jokes that I may be slow to catch but still very very grateful for! W, well, so funny how we started the friendship but thanks for allowing me to be your friend, for the inspiration I have from you, for the companionship through these brief few years, for believing in me while in the force. Thanks for the heartfelt honesty, the good words you have of me to your friends, and the "kyanta reminds me of how life can be so satisfying (or fulfilling) despite its simplicity." And perhaps, one of the few friends who first connected to you at a deeper level. Thanks for that! 

STR : My first teacher in life. You nurture me so much that you are the inspiration for me to nurture others to the best of my abilities. In fact, I do want to step into the education field in the future, as I believe education is the key for vertical mobility, for boundless empathy, and to make a positive difference in this world. Thanks for the movie sessions, the extra tuition lessons, the first person that believes in my potential beyond what I imagined myself to be. 

LKK : My coach. Your disciplinary method, your world view, your proficiency in Chinese culture, your parenting styles, your lifelong learning spirit, your profound reminders from time to time that I wont understand on the moment but will resurface when I really needed them. 

TTW : The industry guru. You are a friend first, everything second. Thanks for the guidance to ground me better in the industry. You went though so many technicalities of life hacks, provided me with timely industry news, pointed out my flaws, and warn me on my shortcomings. Thank you so much!

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Well a few other concepts I would like to discuss in this post. 

Duff. It refers to the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. When asked about my love life in general. Many would be shocked about it. As mentioned many times in this blog, it started out with the period of confusion, "I can relate more to guys than girls, I cant hold conversations with girls, am I Gay or Bi?" Was my first fearful thought growing up. Then " I was not attracted to neither types of porn. Am I assexual" comes my next excuse I gave myself. Well the recent trip got me a trip to my memory lane too. I recalled the times when I had probably advanced from a friend to more than a friend stage at a very young age. P3 and P5. But due to asian parents "too young to date" and other circumstances, I gave up. Then P6 I kindda lost a crush to my best friend. My unwarranted confession made a girl cry before PSLE. Sec 1 my public confession made another girl cry in the basketball court. Sec 2 I confessed in a love song for my desk msg friend and made her cry too. I gave up since then. Poly 2 met a clubber who said my life is too boring. Graduation I was almost in a RS but she got her eyes on my other best friend. I gave up again. These incidents reinforced my self limiting belief that I am destined to be the DUFF. 

Concede. I was never a sports person. Growing up, I didnt have an ego. When my coach said "whoever who wants to leave, stand up and go home now." I did. These aggressions doesnt work on me. Watching last-man-standing films makes me wonder why dont just give up? Playing games for the first times gamers sneer at me for being newbie and noob, I admit, and I quit. I am usually a quitter. I guess in personality, as long as something is not my utmost passion, I quit on the realisation that I am nowhere near average and wouldnt bother to change a thing about it. Hedonistic. Escapist. And I bask on that label. I chose the convenient way of embracing and then internalizing that label. Thus I never really got far in any areas of my life. Its still Jack of All Trades. Again, as an excuse, I added, "Better Than Master of One." Though to be fair today society values this Multi-Intelligence more than a Genius in just one aspect. 

Contributions. I was receiving help from young from people around me. I felt so relieved on financial burdens and therefore since secondary, I made it to be my guiding principle to have 75% of my money spent on alleviating the financial burdens of people around me, such that they have the space for self improvements, self exploration, and to clear one of the many hurdles to ease their journey. I tend to be on cloud nine receiving news on my friends doing well in life. Sounds creepy, but I do have the tendency to celebrate milestones of people around me even if not physically close anymore, by archiving their happy moments. So all these while, I guess im always worried to be the burden of the group. Im always trying to contribute. With nothing I can contribute especially in the pursuit of certain industries, I always resort in using money to be my main contribution. I dare say to date, I probably spent $1k - $10k, or more, to each and every friend around me now, for food for events for holidays for product supports, from the independent ones to the more frequencies ones. In a way, I feel like im "buying friends", tho recent conversations assured me Im definitely not. Its just my altruism too high. 

Fate. Recently I am constantly reminded to get rid of the self negativity, my resignation to fate to conveniently "blame" fate about it. See from young, I concede to the thought that I'm never good enough, never smart enough, never popular enough, never funny enough, never capable enough, never lucky enough, never charming enough. With these thoughts, it may manifest the worst outcome for me. I gotta grow on my self esteem, my believe that I am more than who I think I am. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? It's too easy, too convenient, to blame it on fate, what is mine is mine, what is not mine is not mine, without even trying to improve a bit. Even if I don't reach the apex, I can reach beyond the mean. 

Impulse. A friend of me say I do things in impulse. I cant deny. Lacked self discipline. I cant deny too. Then again, its the easy way out. Especially on casino. Do I want to slowly grind or just go big or go home. I went big indeed. And I went home empty indeed. Tbh I am not too sad about it as it was after all a hard limit I set before stepping in. But this time I guess I kindda see it better? But another part of me always have that feeling that it is just my destiny. I mean what are the odds in blackjack, the probability are impossibly in the favour of casino that I have impossible scenarios. Well in my youth, I do weekly trips to Leisure World to gamble for extra pocket money, I avoided blackjacks cuz the auntie uncle always scolding, toxic environment, so I do big small. Big small, as long I cushion using a Big or Small bet, then bet on specific number that gets me the 12x 18x 30x so I will always win. That grind got me my extra pocket money in the past. So when I loss at RC first time and then RC last year, and also Macau, theres always other factors, such as friend intro to play other games, or teaching how to use maths probability strategy to play best possible hands in blackjack and all. But I always have that gut feel big small is confirm win but grindy, due to the formula I thought was guaranteed. Genting reframed that mindset, the entire night keep opening the middle numbers 8, 9, 10, 11, only 6x payout, cant cover the overall nett count for cushion. So I am convinced that can never game system. 

So last night was Emonightsg, a punk rock event with a constant mosh pit for the entertainment of the niche genre of music. This is the first time I stepped into their new venue at Hard Rock Cafe. I'm definitely a poser there, but I just enjoy the beats and the mosh. The community is awesome, we push and push with all our might, we fly, we fall, but there's always the community to push us back up! It was sooooo tiring! Went home physically and mentally drained, get I could not fall asleep. Took to writing, but ended up writing in Chinese instead. Woke up impressed at myself. hahahs! #thickskin

星星闪烁着好似轻轻叹气
The blinking of the stars made it seems like sighing. 

The "stars" is the side of the obvious, something everyone can see clearly. 

And it's always there, like people around me, friends. 

This 2 lines are inspired by the song "暗示".

叹着我日夜追寻风的动静
Sigh at the sight of a futile chase after the movement of the wind. 

In contrast, the wind is irregular, its random, its subtle. 

And every little movement is little, and it doesn't lead me anywhere. False Alarms. 

双眼沉重的我但难以入睡
听我诉说天若有情天亦老

Though the eyelids are heavy, but I couldnt fall asleep, 

Gotta hear me lamenting that if Heaven knows about relationship, Heaven ages quickly. 

The last line is inspired by "逍遥游" where it talks about Martial Pulgilistic world, 

Where heaven is defined as "lawful" and "clear cut" but most wanderers have the excuse of 

Getting the freedom to roam the earth with their swords, having "nothing lasts forever" attitude. 

Just as how I always find the excuse of having every other aspects of my life doing great.

This acts as a segue to the next verse.

可现在世间万物都很暧昧
泼出真感情不如试探一会

Many things in life in this modern world is fleeting. 

Why pour out all your feelings but rather, spread it to multiple "tries"?

These lines are inspired by the song "暧昧".

Contrast with the olden days Martial Pugilistic World, 

Yet certain things makes more sense now, 

In different context and applications.What is blocking me?

茫茫人海却任然缘木求鱼

In the sea of people, yet I chose to climb the trees, expecting for fishes. 

See the consistency of "Sea" and "Fish"? Hahahahs so proud. Hehehe. 

I guess its not just methodology, but intention and mind frame, needs to change. 

只能在棉被里独自找安慰

At the end of the day, I find solace in the warmth of the blanket. 

This line conveys the yearning for more yet comfortable to settle. 

It's an oxymoron kind of surrendering to the status quo. 

 

SINGAPORE TOURISM AWARDS 2022

Very happy to be attending this event after 2 years of virtual. Feel rather surreal this time as I am now in a different company. I recall just before the pandemic where we had a table to ourselves for the previous company I worked with. Now, not only that the same few people are representing this different company, there are additions to the team. 

To me personally, this is the mark of endeavour. On 2020, I was in much despair, I was in a bad shape. it just suddenly dawns on me that my entire life has been in a non-pandemic-friendly expertise. During the lockdown especially, where F&B are closed, Tour Guiding has stopped, Events have halted, I reclused into a soul searching stage and began wondering the meaning of life, and if my life has been a waste. Had a brief 2am discussion the other day after boardgaming, which I would like to address some of the topics raised. 

The Googly Eyes Moments. This topic came out when we discussed the Michelle Yeoh movie. I'm truly surprised how everyone at the table watched and liked the movie. To me, it was an ode to some Chinese classics where Michelle Yeoh unlocked the multiverse travel by transferring the conscious to another timeline and the result of that is you get your "abilities" from that timeline. There was this symbolism of googly eyes which I thought was just to suggest the absurdity of things allows you to "see" beyond the realities you are bounded within. Yet W explained that it has a deeper meaning I have never thought of! As quoted from Reddit, "The Googly Eyes - A white circle with a black center is the good approach to nihilism: Be absurd, be strange, be whatever. The Everything Bagel - A black circle with a white center is a worse one: Nothing matters, so it should all be destroyed." Indeed, I am sure I am not alone, but we all do think about impossible scenarios constantly, we think about a lot of "what ifs", we ponder the life decisions we made that may have made drastic differences with our life trajectory. Yet the little small moments of happiness in life actually matter more than anything else. You can have the worst life imagined but with the right people right environment or the right state of mind, everything will turn out okay. 

Life Decisions. I remembered I used to say if I can turn back time I won't change anything, for I am satisfied with my life right now. Yet deep inside, if I were to be honest, there is so much in life I questioned my decision. The other time I was talking to Z about what if from the mischievous boy in Primary school, I stepped into Secondary to mix with the pop kids, to embrace my extroversion, never did hang out with the quieter ones, never went to the arcade, never chose to lean towards by wushu clique, I might turn out to be a whole different person. (PS not saying any clique is bad, just that the echo chambers I built up over the years have built a wall around my world view that I am becoming myopic) What if during my primary school I never stopped singing after losing just one competition on runner up, maybe I would be chasing my passion in music and arts. In the movie, every "failures" or "wrong decisions" Michelle Yeoh made enables her to defeat the ultimate villain at the end. This is really in line with my life philosophy that don't be afraid to learn, for we are like a tree, some skills get us fruits of labour or bloom of vanity, yet some withers away, but all in all, the asymmetrical chaos growth of these branches made us who we are, a tree, maybe a giving tree. 

Being The Burden. I asked daringly, when someone was sharing about her stagnation in her career. I probed, because I faced it before. During my initial years in Tourism, I felt the extreme pressure to provide jobs for the guides around me, I have a naive thought that if I worked hard enough, one day I will attain some equity for my efforts, then I can built an empire from scratch, with least capital investment, thus time is what I had. Even when I jumped ship, I had a constant fear to not being able to provide enough for the friends that came in because of me. When I learned that my rates are below average, I feel so bad. I felt like a burden to them, I felt I am taking up beyond what I can do. I felt that I am not fit to be their leader. The more they are patient and good to me the worst I feel. I feel bad to "waste their time" to follow me. I wake up in the middle of the night on anxiety attacks to constantly push myself to get more sales, address more enquiries, develop more tours, so that everyone around me is well fed. I took to 3 packs a day when the office politics took that toll on me. I feel so bad, that I pulled a friend into a deep shit hole for him. Then all in all, seeing that he is in a much better and more suitable place now, really eases my mind and my heart a lot. So then another friend, W, came to say sometimes, as much as people follow you, be honest on your capability, on your limits, such that it becomes their ownership of the decision to follow me. I went to talked to each and everyone of them. Yes they are in for my sake, but they are following me willingly. So I'm so so so so so glad and happy to have these friends in my life! I learned to delegate tasks, I learned to train people to think how I think, to see what I see, to work in the style I work. Disclaimer though, I still do have that burden-complex thing. A lot of times I like to do things alone, the facade I put up is "Oh I am happier to do the things I like alone so I don't have to keep finding like-minded people for every different activities.", I guess the truth is, I feel that my getting people to accompany me to do things I like, I am "Burdening" the person. I guess communication worked, to ask if they are okay, if not they can "you do you, I do Me" kind of arrangement. And if they chose to follow, dont feel the pressure to always ensure they would like what you do, cuz its really okay that they dont, so they can make decisions on the next occasion. It's a choice. 

Way Back Into Love. Well, as much as I say I am ready for a change and gradually be back in the market by year end. Yet if I am asking myself truthfully, there is still a rather thick all bothering me. And this thick wall is still my johari. I dont know what it is. Not esteem, not personality, not opportunities. I am still trying to figure out. Maybe its just hectic work-school-life balance? Then if I ask myself, what is "Love"? I still don't have an answer. I have never been on the stage where I love somebody so much I do everything for her. I have never fall head over heels to anyone. My attraction radar is broken, I dont even look at girls on the go. I used to think love is one sided, you wish for the best but do not expect reciprocy. That's parental love. I think it works differently in BGR, there is bound to have an effort balance. Then I think of the Pillars of Love (intimacy, passion, and commitment) and the Four Horsemen of Love (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling). I guess these leads to the Quadraple Theory (Attraction, Connection, Trust, and Respect). 

Opposites. They say opposite attracts. But I guess it cannot be too opposite. Two worlds can overlap, such that there is still a part of "self", and a mutual shared universe amongst the two. I used to think that I gotta find the perfect one that matched all my interests and worldviews and thinking, that's like loving myself. Without that differences, I would not grow. Yet the opposite is not possible too, as when we are worlds apart, then there's no similarity, then it's hard to interest each other with our own social circle or activities. That way, there is no common ground at all. At the end, is to prioritise what is important. I always thought I am a settler, but perhaps, there's a part of me to be the reacher, to reach to the idealistic one, for if you ask me to prioritise, it's really hard for me to rank my priorities, and being an escapist, any incongruence will irritates me a lot a lot. Perhaps, there's always this expectation that my spouse should know me most, should support me most, should compliment me most. Again, that's selfish. I gotta overcome this too. 

So, almost half a year since my last update. 

2022, has been rather kind to me, I'm glad. 

The year started with the spillover fatigue from Red Oil Lamp and Voices. 

But just as the Tarot said, after resolving some conflicts, some misunderstandings, some false impressions, things were smoother. This year I'm pretty much focused on studies, trying to offload many work stuffs, yet still seems so much to do. But slowly and slowly, with more people onboard, more templates created, more sop set, slowly heading towards a lean operation. Boss have been kind to me. I feel the recognition I wanted is coming to place. The respect I wanted is gaining. I'm happy working again. As my friend W mentioned, do not forget that you want out of the decisions you made initially, if its fulfilled, nothing else matters, cuz you cant have everything. 

It was after Chinese New Year though, that I had a sudden realization, I guess I'm in my comfort zone for way too long. I've always had that traditional mindset to find 1 perfect partner to spend the rest of my life with, have sex after marriage, must be filial, must be chinese-culture educated, yet liberal thinking, can stimulate my thinking with alternative perspectives, yet empathetic to see from opposing views, can engage in discussion without conclusions, can be socially independent, yet have enough social etiquette to get along with my side of friends. hahhahas. Naive.

Well, you see, from outside, my life seems to be going great. Many people around me seem to be envious or inspired. But the truth is far from that. Grass is always greener on the other side, but I chose to stay with mine. It's really about personal choices of life, and since I've made the choice, I've gotta bear the consequences. 

Choose the Suffering You Are Willing to Endure. The path I have chosen is less conventional. Being a small start up, being a young Tourist Guide, trying to revamp the industry on a conceptualisation level, trying to do things different challenging status quo and all, not easy. I do envy desk bound employees, with less stress on the directions and sustainability but more of living paycheck to paycheck doing within own boundaries. Most have no idea how much time I spent spiralling down meaningless abyss of envy and wallow in self pity that I have chosen the path less travelled, yet there's always that one dim part of me to whisper "burn on!", I can do this, for I know my personality can never be satisfied in other paths. "I could fill the world with all my problems - just ranting, just putting it out there, expecting people to agree and set up a psuedo echo chamber. But, shit, that wouldn't solve them at all, it will be back, it will continue to haunt. So I wish to be courageous to face them one by one. And friends' stories around me inspired me to do so one by one. 

Stepping out of Comfort Zone. If I could break my DNA to pieces, I want to analyze developmental psychology on myself. Where did I leave traces of hurt, where did I leave scars on others and myself, where did I develop certain feelings or skewed thinking on some matters. I wanna aet rid of all my demons that ties me down to attain the maximum potential of myself. If I could cleanse my soul of these "devil advocates" trying to find excuses, trying to find explanation, trying to take the easy way to ignore my flaws. So thankful for W, Z, S, T, W, K, in my life to challenge me out of my comfort zone. 

Friends. Because of a dear friend. These pandemic years have been an introspective journey for me. The song "Modern Loneliness" hits me so hard today, maybe it's the post travel blues. Since pandemic, I kinda had an epiphany that links back to what my coach said years go. "As you piece together the ragdoll with all your time, you bend up and look around, you will realise there are much more people behind you, waiting for you". Know my boundaries, do not offer help that would potentially become a dependency. Learned the hard way constantly. Ive never felt so much peace in my life. Not thinking about activities and gatherings to bond cliques together. I wait for their call. Some do. Some do not. Doesnt matter. Thus, "Love my friends to death but I never call and I never text". I do enjoy the companionship the big groups, the party. But I must give space for their own. And our reunion will be more meaningful. Thankful for all the small groups to see me through my ups and downs. D, K, C, D, Z, W, T, thank you so so so so so much. You all made life much more bearable for this vulnerable and fragile soul. Each of you made me feel I'm not alone, I'm never alone, and i can get through these. U kept my sanity in check. U made my feelings valid. U see the worst in me, offered your hand to move on. 

Family. I guess every household got its bickers. But I do envy the US family drama series where families goes for vacation together, go hiking, spend sunday for family activities, family supports one another, etc etc. It's hard for me to achieve that here, for the both of them are just 2 very different human beings with the most stubborn minds and very typical Chinese traditional mindset. Again, acribed status, we don't choose family, we just gotta make it work in our own ways. My family do not have the concept of privacy, adventure, foodie, pop culture, sports, and nurturing methodology, etc etc, not really, nothing really. So perhaps I grew up with certain world views inherited from them. And this is the 2 years I started to explore the teenagers mindset and the changing perspectives of today gen. I guess this is "The person I've become" due to upbringing. No good and bad, just trying to step out of the comfort zone to "fill all of this empty", and I have still a looooong way to go. 

Esteem. So Im genuinely happy when I see friends around me getting attached and all. And when we go to party, seeing them getting girls and all. Makes me happy, or when they share their ego triumphant and all, makes me really happy. But then on the other spectrum, there's a feeling of "wtf is wrong with me" feeling, like what am I feeling, why do I feel this way, why do I overthink, why didn't I live in the moment. I guess I have not sort out with myself, I am not fully comfortable with myself, no matter how much confidence my facade may scream. "In my bedroom and my closet, the baggage in my heart is still so dark". Truly, I have low esteem on my face, I think I'm ugly. I am a fashion terrorist. I am an ancient bore. I am labeled as fat my whole life. I appear "old" within my peers as my interest is retro and oldies. I blanket these with the excuse that I belong to bars and country clubs, I still could find my joy, but with that I feel I closed up the door to even trying to step into the teenage world. I must stop that. I need to reframe my mind. I need to be more curious, I need to update. I need to stop giving myself excuses. Recently, a friend, W's transformation, has inspired me greatly. His change in fashion, his glow in spirits, his enthusiasm to step out of his bubble, his courage, his journey. Thank you. 

I conclude, Im not gonna hit 30 years old still a virgin. Know nothing on love. Know nothing on sex. By then whoever my spouse may be I wouldn't want to give a mediocre and lousy 1st time. There's no time to explore together. I don't want to hit 30 with intoverts and outcasts around me, I do want to learn about the other side of the fence. How pop kids think, dress, feel, be motivated, be affected, be challenged, be defeated, etc etc. So thankful for Z in my life to be my social etiquette consultant, my wardrobe consultant, my social media guru, my alternative views discussion contender. Really, you will never know how far you can go until you go too far. Let's step out, explore, try, open my mind, at most, if not suitable, just fall back, no experience is a wasted experience. 

Message for younger self : be more honest with yourself thats not pressured to give a strong facade

 *2022 TAROT FORECAST*

*General Reading*

Card : 8 of Swords 

Explain : A lot of voices, expectations and pressure that may trap your capabilit

Expand : 8 Swords, 7 Swords, Devil 

Explain : Do not give power to the Evil Thoughts of Overthinking but ground yourself with tangibles and manage expectations. Remember to Rest more and ignore the toxidity of baseless attacks. 

*Obstacles* 

Card : The Moon 

Explain : It would be a difficult year of uncomfortable conversations with others and yourself. There would be multiple occasions of Ideal vs Reality, and forces you to face your fears while fending off against Deceitful People, that it's harder for you to seek the truth. 

Expand : Queen of Swords, Emperor, Page of Swords 

Explain : You have the ability to communicate but often blocked by unnecesary voices, by internal and external. Seek help from people that matters to you, open yourself to get the support you need

Expand on Emperor : 

Confirmed this card refers to you not others. Authority is on you. Your inability to communicate will lead to your lifepath blocked so you have the power to set boundaries and expectations. 

*Improvements Needed* 

Cards : Empress 

Explain : Know your self worth and recognise your abundance

Card : 5 of Pentacles

Explain : Work on proper closures when there are abandon situations 

Card : 8 of Cups 

Explain : There would be situations of walking away 

----------------------------------

*January*

Card : 5 of Wands

Explain : Conflict at work, no proper guidance, clash of ideas, mindset differences, everyone at work become individualistic, selfish interests will surface. You must achieve harmony in order to flow through or else terrible outcome follows the year.

Expand : 8 of Wands, Temperance, 6 of Pentacles 

Explain : Situations will test your patience, will establish your boundaries, will question yourself, but do not allow ill-feeings to impede actual works, work on clarity on your part and do not impose your ideas to others in January

Oracle : Truth - Be true to yourself

*February* 

Card : 3 of Wands

Explain : Waiting for something that you deserve but unknown to you yet, must surrender to the flow, the ship will appear, observe signs of progress

Expand : 2 of Cups, 10 of Swords, Death 

Explain : 3 possible scenarios 

1) Change of Dynamics with Boss 

2) Love Life or Attitute towards Love will Change

3) Declutterign of Physical Spaces 

Oracle : Flow - Recognise the Flow, Dont Resist, Do not Self-Critical

*March*

Card : Ace of Pentacles 

Explain : Additional Abundance 

Expand : Knights of Sword, 7 & 4 Pentacles

Explain : Financial Control, Growth Mindset, Don't be stingy on yourself, do not spend on others for the month or you will lose the energy. 

Oracle : Opportunity - Goodness of life will shower you a little only if you recognise it

*April* 

Card : Chariot 

Explain : Busy at work, but distractions esp emotional, observe change of emotion but do not lose sight of your duties. 

Expand : Magician, Lover, 7 of Cups 

Explain : Attraction is strong to reach your goals but distractions come twice as strong too to block your happiness

Oracle : Transformation - Do not resist change in your routine

*May*

Card : 9 of Pentacles 

Explain : Abundance from a Earth Sign woman (taurus, virgo, capricorn) to latch on. This person has a motherly figure, has connections with your past life an will impart wisdom for your career progression and financial management

Oracle : Relax - All is well, do not push too hard

*June* 

Card : Magician 

Explain : Best month to manifest your wants, to pursue additional interest, discover hidden gifts, people will listen to you this month. 

Expand : 10 of Pentacles, 7 of Swords, 5 of Pentacles 

Explain : There will be challenge at work regarding money and upkeep, but you can solve the problem only if you are not invoved in it. 

Oracle : Diligence - Take risk and you will receive its harvest in a years time 

*July*

Card : Hangman 

Explain : Stuck, in Limbo, worries of Past, delay in all goals. Try to mitigate by being more grounded, more barefoot to earth.

Expand : Knight of Swords, Star, Hangman

Explain : Mental health will suffer, there are delays, self love at minimal, work matter intensifies

Oracle : Potential - Volcano at rest, erupt anytime 

*August* 

Card : 2 of Wands 

Explain : Caught in life decisions on changes in career and income of future. If change is taken, positive impact follows. But choices are plenty, wrong paths are plenty. 

Expand : King of Wand, Empress, 2 of Sword

Explain : You realise you have contributed more than what you deserved, have the courage to ask for more, and do not settle for lower grounds if offered, but this decision if made right will have tremendous positive effect for years to come. 

Oracle : Leadership - Consider Teacher, Guardian, Healer roles 

*September*

Card : Knight of Cups 

Explain : Use this month to focus on your true happiness. Expect people swarming to you, and you are ready to give your love, concern, care. Dont be burdened by other people's problems, ground yourself after every problem. A lot of things are competing for your attention and some will use toxidity as a means to get you, beware of such people and walk away from it. 

Expand : 6 Wards - Recognition, 6 Sword - Peace, 8 Cups - End. 

Explain : Walking away to bring peace and new beginning to get the recognition you deserve.   

Oracle : Illuminate - your guardian angels is assiting you on a upward journey of illumination.

*October*

Card : Emperor 

Explain : Demand from authority, gain back control, manage situation before it goes downhill, you have to put things in place, but do not be too overbearing 

Expand : 5 Cups - Walkiaway, Page of Wands - Progress, 8 Pentacles - Business

Explain : Walk away in order to venture your own desires in terms of business, but be careful not to be bossy 

Oracle : Purity - open your heart, whatever happened in the past can be start afresh, remember to forgive.

*November* 

Card : Page of Sword

Explain : Breakthrough will happen, something new is coming, new project or ideas or career, a lot of evergy both positive and negative, a month you cannot sit still, go out of the house often if not you will be hot tempered. 

Expand : 4 swords - take a break, 10 wands - other people burdens on you, King of Swords - Implementation of Ideas 

Oracle : Flexibility - 

*December* 

Card : Wheel of Fortune

Explain : Change of event drastically, on my favour, project comes to fruitation and completion. You are protected, safe, and blessed with divine timing  

Expand : Moon - exploration of self, 4 Wands - finding Freedom, Queen Pentacles - about Money)

Explain : You will feel freedom of burden for the month

Oracle : Pleasure - take life slowly and be present

 Lord, I'm doing all I can........ To be a better man

Devastating news today. Well, on a lighter note of things, today was the second day since reopening from heightened alert, means dining in. Tours are resuming so im really glad. I dined out for the past 2 days, in multiple places, multiple meals. 

Was on the topic of communication. As shown in TV dramas, and case studies from people around me, communication is really important. The olden day philosophy is that keeping quiet, managing own emotions, outweighs direct confrontation, silence is golden, time will heal. But I highly disagree. I think most problems arise because intentions are mistaken, and hurt are not spoken. 

I had never realized, that I am a horrible person. See throughout my whole life, I'm always trying to please everybody, always going my extra mile to be there for everybody, for me to be shot down to say "what's the point to please everybody?". 

So apparently, truth was revealed that the reason why I couldnt connect to certain people, is that I had a slip of tongue to label and demean the person, to belittle their worth And a few times I had overlooked on the welfare of the person. Heartbreaking. I mean seriously, through my actions and all, never try to bother people if I can do it myself, and the nice gestures and all, was it too much? did I come out too fake? what did I really go wrong? 

So the strain came in. I remembered I did mention, that he do not need to be as hardworking as me, not obliged to have the no-day-no-night life like me. He claimed that it was his decision, he wanna do well, he wanna perform. We never had a pressure on working in terms of hours, but we didnt realize that the enquiries and diverting of calls are taking too much of a toll, it became a 24/7 jobscope. To me, there is a certain way to handle customers, in terms of addressing enquiry in the most short and efficient way. But he didnt adopt it. Okay nevermind. Then we can always come up with a system for off days, since we never really cared on such things, we thought that he knew the non stop call culture, and that paper is just paper, but we were wrong, they regard it highly.   

And why was these not communicated. 

Sigh. 

And so I thought I am getting closer to the perfect culture. But dayum it was all wrong right in the beginning. The fear or confrontation. The fear of working out a system. The lack of confidence that the problem can be solved, and even gave me a smurk. Am I not capable enough? Dilemma. As a friend or as a manager? Role confusion. 

Sigh. 

I guess Im not good enough to hold a team. Not good enough to lead a culture. Not good enough to create the utopia I have always envision. And for what? Why the persistence? Why clinging on? Why shortchanging myself? 

Sigh. 

Pandemic....... Prolly the only good coming out of it in personal development, is retrospection of events and evaluation of definition, that all leads to question. What is me? What is life? What purpose?

Vanity of Vanities. All is Vanity. 

Fuck humans, fuck life, why complicate simple things. 

Can a fatal accident be staged so one wont have to carry the physical burden or emotional guilt of suicide? Then would that still be considered suicide when the plan involves a willing party? Would that then be a murder instead? How to not get other involved? 

Just random thoughts, I am alright. Late night randomness. 

Or maybe just tired...........

 And so I spent the entire day planning for my 5 years academic pursuits. Dayum it's gonna be tough, and expensive, but guess that's the price for knowledge. Despite the changing modes of education and all, at the end of the day, recognition is still an integral part of institutions. These decisions came when I realize my ACLP and D3LP cannot get me into Mini Masters to MAPE, so I have to still pursue the conventional way of getting a BA. All these also on consideration that I have juggle work and academics, I need a balanced time for both, so having part time courses means I'm only busy at night 6pm - 11pm, which leaves the office hours for work to carry on as per normal, so I can fund my studies.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grand Plan : Gradual Progression to my goal with part time classes basis

Aug 2021 - Aug 2022 : D3LP to being Curriculum Developer

IAL | Institute of Adult Learning

D3LP | Diploma in Design and Development of Learning and Performance 
- Every Mon, Thu, 7pm - 10pm class
- Every Sat, 9am - 1pm class

Jul 2021 - Dec 2021 : Concurrent with D3LP 

Modular CET Continuing Education and Training Courses

So these can lead up to my BA once application gets through
- Singapore Society (1 weekday night)
- Southeast Asian Culture (1 weekday night)

Jan 2022 - Jul 2025 : Focus on getting BA

SUSS | Singapore University of Social Sciences

Bachelor in Arts (General Studies)
Minor in Psychology, Sociology and Organizational Management 
- Planned for 3/4/5 Modules each Sem depending on workload
- Means 3/4/5 Weekday Night classes especially after D3LP ended

Sep 2025 - Sep 2027 : Getting my goal to get a Masters in Education field

NTU NIE | Nanyang Technological University x National Institute of Education 

MAPE | Master of Arts in Professional Education (Training and Development)
- Modular Mini Masters to Full Masters Degree
- 2 Weekday + 1 Weekend Classes (full day classes)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Explanation :

Why MAPE Training and Development? 

I felt that through I can use my current platform LGT to open up a school not just for Tourism but a Training Institute for a range of courses from WSQ, Corporate Training, Leadership Centre, etc etc. With the connections from each schools I think it's relevant that in the future more corporate requires transferable skills which I could provide, with the flexibility of having Tourism Element so it's a Training cum Events cum Leisure cum Tourism company. I  can reach into all the uncharted waters from POV of Tourism into the full Adult Learning and Education segmentation. This can be scaled up to provide a global hub for ASEAN and even US/UK corporate to have a meaningful retreat, like a 1-stop-center. And if all else fails, the knowledge and skillsets is transferable everywhere. I dont have to depend purely on tourism sector. Training is gonna be more future-proof.

Why BA General Studies? 

Lesser non essential core modules like academic writing public speaking these kind of basic modules, and freedom of content of courses I like to learn instead of studying for the sake of the qualification. And modular based so flexible in scheduling since maximum term of studies is 5 years. Classes are part time so weekdays evening, wont affect work. 

 

Why Sociology? 

More relevant to Tourist Guiding because knowledge on macro picture of how the society works especially in Singapore, and how factors surrounding affects overall national strategy or direction.

Why Psychology? 

The modules I have chosen is linked to Education or Leadership or Organization, and since have previous background in psychology, I think not too hard for me to pursue.

Why Organizational Management?

My end goal is MAPE so this minor is more relevant to the end result. LGT can then not only provide Educational Tours on a Pri/Sec school level, but a Holistic Higher Learning Packages for Domestic B2B or B2G jobs. Our PDC can expand beyond tourism knowledge but also Industry 4.0, Communications, Management and Leadership disciplines. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Planned Modules :

BACHELORS OF ARTS GENERAL STUDIES

CORE GENERAL STUDIES - 10cu - 3 Modules

SCO101 | Why Do Good? | 2.5cu 

SCO103 | New Empires | 2.5cu 

SCO201 | Space, Place, People and the City

MINOR SOCIOLOGY - 40cu - 7 Modules

SOC207 | Social Stratification | 5cu |

SOC265 | Urban Sociology | 5cu 

SOC355 | Sociology of Law and Order 

SOC365 | Popular Culture | 5cu 

SOC205 | Singapore Society | 5cu 

SOC263 | Sociology of Education | 5cu 

SOC367 | Southeast Asian Societies | 5cu 

MINOR PSYCHOLOGY - 40cu - 8 Modules

PSY371 | Performance Psychology | 5cu 

PSY201 | Organizational Psychology | 5cu 

PSY107 | Introduction to Psychology 1 | 5cu

PSY108 | Introduction to Psychology 2 | 5cu 

PSY256 | Educational Psychology | 5cu 

PSY352 | Cultural Psychology | 5cu 

PSY354 | Counselling Psychology in Singapore | 5cu 

PSY207 | Developmental Psychology | 5cu

MINOR ORGANISATION MANAGEMENT - 40cu - 8 Modules

COM368 | Strategic Communication | 5cu 

POL103 | Government and Politics of Singapore | 5cu

BUS366 | Lean Six Sigma | 5cu 

BUS354 | Customer Relationship Management | 5cu 

HRM333 | Performance Management | 5cu 

HRM263 | Team Dynamics | 5cu 

BUS104 | Organizational Behavior in the Technology Era | 5cu

BUS102 | Management in the Digital Age | 5cu 

OTHERS - 1 Module

FLM101 | Introduction to Film Studies | 5cu 

2021 was really a Life-Changing year. 

Amongst my friends, the 1st breakup was on first week of Jan. Back then I felt bad, I felt at fault, as Im the kind who would want everyone around me to be good with one another, and to make their life smooth, so I always think I could have done something to prevent that. Then 2 more breakups same month, then 3 more next month. I felt I wasn't doing enough as a friend. When all things came to an halt, then is the dynamics between the plus ones of the clique, they had tensions one another. I guess between myself then different parties, I was not being honest too. I tried to appease both sides to offer perspectives, just so that both parties could reconcile. I loved to plan outings as a clique, but the amount of post-bickering are too much, I constantly felt that whatever events I planned was always a failure. 

As I have started to be involved in another clique, I am challenged by the definition of friendship. Not to sound too transaction, but in reality, what do I have to gain? Must I always make the effort to keep everyone at the good books of one another? And how many of them would actually check on me on a regular interval to see if my sanity is in check? As much as it breaks me that friends do distant, I think there took a toll on me too. Though the duration of friendship is long, sometimes, I guess I should be thinking that I deserve better. A selfish endeavor for friendships that count. I probably would not change my guiding principle, that the most important person is the one who come find me for help, but with time being precious, it's really the quality of mutual help, mutual understand, and mutual effort that is one the plate. A true friend would not think you are humble bragging, but to genuinely empathize the state of mind and crossroads dilemmas. 

Today in the papers was an article on expert dissecting definition of friendship:

The best friend: The person to count on when important events occur in life 

The proximal friend: The person you feel comfortable with but who may not be in your innermost circle. You are probably not going to get any closer unless something changes 

The distal friend: The person you have known for a long time but may have been away from. You are unlikely to get any closer unless circumstances change. 

Some people, while searching for the one to depend on, will cling on me, and I'll be there too, since he has fear of abandonment too, knowing that one day I might be replaced too. But seeing them moving on makes me happy too. It's like raising a kid and one day seeing him thrive in his own social circle and all, makes you feel so so so damn good. Ive lived a large part of my life at the "kaya is the happy time guy, find him for interesting things to do", so generally people assume Im well on my own, I can always find something somewhat someplace. Then to some, ive also been the "kaya is a listening ear, will always be there even 3am kind", tiring to live u to this expectation, but I really dont mind, even though they probably thought my emotional threshold higher than them so awkward to be the one listening to me. Except a few I am honest to, to say I'm not as strong as most people think. 

Then is SAS week, little hiccups here and there, but I was so damn depressed, I felt I caused the freelancers to be unhappy and left, I felt I could have managed that better if have more time. Being in a company as a new comer, I hate it when I could not bind them together. But fats forward 4 months, I am really really glad I have assembled a team of dedicated and passionate colleagues. Had a zoom meeting last Monday with 12 participants, I wrote :

18 May 2021 : Recalibration. "To Rest is not to Idle, but Working Differently". Very very happy to have been in this half year journey with this group of people. Compared to last year, we are all much more prepared in this WFH month. Very heartwarming to hear the active contribution, constructive feedback, and the continuous support of each and every one of you. We would never have gone so far without any of you, thank you for your trust in us. As much as we are frantically enhancing ourselves with Knowledge or Skills and constantly seeking improvements from Systems and Delivery, we ought to look back to let it sink in how far we have come too, and pat yourselves at the back. I hope the session allowed a better macro view of situations and we shall walk hand in hand into the horizons of better tomorrow!

So this saga are redefining "responsibility" and "leadership". How to solve matter and get people to take up the ownership of problems. The true empowerment with inspiring intrinsic motivation and to smoothen the jagged edges of one another, without jobscope boundaries and to bloom the unique skillsets of every person. 

Then, it was the movie "Hey Mom", as explained in older post, redefining "family". What is exactly my expectations as a son, how to express filial piety through actual needs rather than societal norm, what exactly is happiness through living vicariously or rather, to see the other party enjoy the path we have chosen. The amount of sacrifices and duty involved in kinship. 

So Singapore moved into a mini lockdown again with reduced pax to 2 and the ban of dining in. This time, with my new responsibilities, I have much more tasks to fill my time, albeit the inertia for I do have a lingering feeling of "what's the point" amidst the uncertainty. I think Singapore had done really well in comparison with many other countries, but the global situation is nowhere to the end of tunnel.

How did this affect my personal life then. Honestly, my lower expenditure is a plus point. However, many things is back to square one again. All the boardgaming sessions with the new clique will be on halt. My existing clique had their plus ones to keep them accompany so pretty much I have all the freedom to do whatever I want now. I can impromptu night cycle, or sleep, or watch shows. The streak with Z ended, a week without much talking seems so weird. But then again, it would be weird also to initiate to meet and all, and I wouldnt want to initiate, dont want to be the clingy one, but do hope that this dont make the impression of "drifting" too. Couples on picnic everywhere didnt help to remind the fact that im 27 years single. I wont deny as much as I am rather asexual, but I do yearn for a hug, an embrace, or something at all, that grasp me back to sanity too. I am still a little afraid to be spiraling down into last year's thoughts. 

Some interesting thoughts :

Would you rather be a Reacher or Settler. Settler would probably mean the other person love you more, Reacher would mean you love the person more. As selfish as I can, I rather a Settler, but reality is, it's probably someone else settle for me. For I neither have wealth nor looks nor skills.

Is there Absolute Morality? I guess good and bad is determined by the societal most accepted answers. To me, I guess doing something that helps another to live through the lives on this earth a little easier means good, in accordance to whatever legal bodies acting on it.  

No Man's an Island. Really? I was asked that in perspective of an introvert, amidst all the new friends, fun memories, and happenings that we brought to a friend, what makes us think that the friend is better off this way than to be seclusive and escape into a world that makes sense to the person? Maybe by doing so they are more at ease with their personality and skills that they make a breakthrough or found an avenue to express their true self that may be of greater good, than to be stuck with me and go down the norm of social interactions, activities, and networking. Hmmmm, this seems true. Well, having said that, I will occasionally drop a text to check in, but perhaps its not really that necessary for me to try to impose my set of social ideals onto them, but I will always be available for a listening ear. 

On Suicide. Many things pushes people to suicide, and many things prevent them from doing so. On one hand, it could require a huge courage to jump off, for the victim probably thinks being alive burdens everyone else, and thus decide to take that leap of desperation to the unknown. On another hand, I felt at that stage, it take a rather great deal of courage to not take that leap, for we owe our lives to the expectation and kindness of others, that by taking that leap, I am being selfish to the people around me to place emotional turmoil onto them, also to place financial or legal burden onto them. I think it takes a greater deal of courage to brace your teeth to be alive, for it seems easier to me to take that leap when one day, none of the people around me matters anymore, no family, no friends no love. 

What is "Me"? As life unfolds, I guess I have a high standard of Ideal Self, which is incongruence to my actually Self Image. I have nothing interesting to be a "happening" person, nothing useful to society, nothing appealing to the general public, and thus, probably a low Self Esteem. My high need of Novelty, Relevance and Belonging may have led me stray from Personal Identity to suit a certain type of Social Identity, though I do miss the days of recognition and social events. In my Social Construct, perhaps my family and friends shaped my pessimist view on Love; my adventures shaped my Perfectionist and High Expectation in professional life; my academic achievements shaped my thirst for knowledge and desire for quality conversations; my ascribed status shaped my preference and interests. I guess I do have a little Hedonist nature to disregard comparison and a skewed worldview of vanity that disregards material pursuits but would then shaped my misanthropy. 

 May 15

On friends. Today marks the 124th consecutive day of meeting with a friend, Z. And it's probably the longest streak ever, but I guess this is the date where the streak ends. Again, have to mention how very very grateful I am in this friendship, the amount of effort it took for this to even happen. We are 2 very different people. Our views, our interest, our definitions, our upbringing, and even our personality, I would say, are opposites. Ive learnt alot through this streak, reframing a lot of things, and also doing things differently. Definitely a great listening ear and opened up my world a little more to things Ive never took interest in but now I know them, such as world of sports, street wear, and minds of teenager, or just fundamental difference between the generational gaps.

Though I must say, he introduced me to another friends of his, K, that seems to connect to me better. This person is a low maintenance friendship. We talked about feelings and viewpoints without much assertive of stands, we enjoy food and cafe and pretty much the small moments of being "present". We can be scheduled or be spontaneous, from compartmentalizing specific days to work on something in life to just go with the spur of moment on the day. He is probably on the other spectrum to Z, in terms of how he thought through every step, every decision, and every response to things, 2 or 3 steps ahead. Which I thought the reason was rather peculiar but definitely valid. Sometimes, being truthful helps if you value the friendship, and rather honest than to bottle up, even if it's just a minor irks that you can live by it but just to point it out to a friend is better than to just accommodate; but doesnt mean its hierarchical, means that if he knew the reaction or viewpoint, that some things are not necessary to say since it will not help the situation, so its task-oriented. Very tiring way of life in my point but oh well, its a perspective Ive never came across. 

But I sense a little tension between them. Z finds that K became distant, and evaluating everything so much to the point it feels like he is judging what could suit his ideal life he is aspiring for, and K finds Z being less honest on his feelings, to the point he find that its hard to move on from a topic they clearly stand on different side of fence. I did try to get both of them see the intentions on both sides but then he mentioned about don't need to always please everyone and get to side of everyone. Hmm..... but the way I see it, both are harmless, or rather, have valid viewpoints, they could resolve the difference easily? But oh well, beyond me to do that, either way they know each other longer, and both values each other a lot a lot. So yea, not gonna mediate this. 

On work. News about the new tightening measure on safe distancing came yesterday, like the sound of roaring thunder piercing through the grey skies, wriggling through the thick droplets of rain. The news on reduction from 8 to 5 have me rather unsettled as many plans have to be put on hold, and  now the further reduction to 2 is practically another form of lockdown. Tour bookings have froze ever since, and now, cancellations and postponement plagued the mailbox. 

On financial. About a month ago, a friend asked for a huge sum, $4k, to help on something that doesnt even concern him. basically, he is in a lion dance troupe that causes his life so complicated now. Due to the nature of industry, they have not much chance to get bookings, so the leaders are all in financial difficulties, and their sponsors are pulling out, causing the debt due to warehouse rental and operating debts, and the leader that controls cash flow had his account frozen for investigation. The rest are young and the leaders do not want other members to know as dont want to blow up the matter. To make matters worst, one of the member was caught by traffic police on unauthorized driving without license as she allowed her friend to drive her rented car, which cause a $5k penalty according to a clause which he couldnt get his hands on, but they agreed to resolve privately for $1.8k initially, then raised to $2.1k within the week. The problem of urgency made me suspect the clause. The troupe leaders agreed to help and decided to resolve privately as the "victim" is under huge stress in relationship and in work, with tendency of depression and sleeping pills. 

All these led me to be under a $8k loan from boss and another friend. It never occurred to me though, that no IOU was signed between me and him, neither him and his troupe, and no receipts no clause was shown to me. I hate to have to come down to the last resort of doubting my friend, but what if I am being cheated? As much as I warned him of being cheated, I had never doubted him. But I chose to believe him for now until the issue resolved, on the hard limit that I am not helping him financially anymore until full repayment. Having a $4k loan from another friend, our decade long friendship is being affected as every conversation now starts with asking about the status of this sum. Bothers me a lot but valid, and I fully understand. I then went to the lendee to explain that no matter what situation it is between the troupe, but the loan was extended to him as a friend, he should be thinking about ways of repaying regardless of if the troupe could repay him. Similar case for me, to settle the loan on my end, I took on part time waitering. Probably the easiest F&B Ive done in my life, where system flow is well thought of, and responsibilities are streamlined and straightforward without much training involved. Boss knew about it and was unhappy, and step me up to more responsibilities to fill my time, ofcoz with a fair wage increase. But honestly, I can do HR management, but managing people is not me, it dont come naturally unlike others, whether or not i can excel is one thing, but whether I am fully comfortable doing so is another. But oh well, a job is a job, and being in a rather close-knitted team, I dont see why not. 

Oh well, last day of dining in and going out, I have 6 more hours before my part time work, to just chill, and people watch, and then the following one month to recalibrate the team, and to recalibrate my life too. Compared to the first lockdown, I must say I am very much more prepared, with clear direction, and task to do. No courses, no beer. No unhealthy thoughts. Okie, till next time, ciao.