JOURNAL IN JULY

As I countdown to the day I arrived on this planet. I would like to say thanks to all of you, playing big or small part in my life, and that special bunch around me still today, that still maintained a certain frequency of catch ups, and seen me through my ups and downs. Gonna be honest, I do only consider the list below special for the reciprocal friendships, and importantly the depth, but then I meant it when I say each and every person in my life, past, present, future, matters to me, for you shaped me to who I am today. 

J, S, T : Being my first group of closed friends, that we went through thick and thin, we quarreled, we travelled, we went through blood, sweat, tears together through the journey of life. You are my first horizons of life paths, my first buddies to have a go at training, you accompanied me on a huge part of my teenhood. You saw the best of me. You witness the breaking of my cacoon. You celebrated my success. Thank you! 

CCH : For being the first kind of friend that exchanges countless discussions on various topics under the sun, to challenge each other on viewpoints, to explore alternate views, and to intellectually stimulate each others mind. 

D, W, Y, K : For being there at the randomness times, for the good times, for the late nights, for the cheap thrills, for the break on life, for the ktv, cafe and food. Glad that all of you have found your other halfs! And for all of you individually, thanks for opening up your vulnerabilities and sharing your rites of passage to me that I gain insights and experience indirectly from you. 

CSY : For the guy that reminds me of the simplicity of life, yet with the pessimistic side of life lingers on, and the transience part of life that allowed simple joys you would find. You boosted my ego to be a provider of knowledge to you. You are always attentive to my random commentaries. You have went through so much in life, that to be honest, I don't even know if I have the emotional capacity to go through what you went through. Your resilience amazes me. You remind me of my principle of life to "make the best out of what life gives, and to give a little more to people around me to ease of their burdens through life as much as I can."

D, K, C : Thanks for keeping my sanity in check. You made my journey in the industry much bearable. You are the mother of life I never really have. You are current yet experienced. You are naggy yet not annoying. Your sensitivity touches me that my presence are felt. Your trust and confidence in me affirmed my passion and the faith in humanity. Your patience on my temper is a constant reminder for me to be better as a person. Your humility kept my ego in check too. Your extra-miles reassured me that I wont be alone in this journey. Your sacrifices kept me going to improve the industry bit by bit, at the best of my abilities. 

TZH : I am honestly beyond words. The long walks, the long nights, the honest conversations, probably only a few could do that. Honestly, you impacted me more than anything, though may be very small increment, but I am working towards that. I may not agree with every viewpoints, but I certainly learned a lot from you. About life, about my flawed judgment, about my self limiting beliefs, about my naive personality, about the harsh reality. I remember you mentioned that one of the greatest fear is probably the one day where your friends are no longer around, I guess me too, though I might not admit back then. You put friends on a high priority of your life, yet at the same time, you are very accepting about its transient tendencies. I am glad to be part of that "friend". And I hope this friendship last. Interestingly enough I felt you have brought be out of the well I dwell in, out of my comfort zone, and let me see a world I would not have known. Your friends are very sociable and accepting. I consider myself to be such opposite of you I am constantly afraid to be a burden of the friendship. But you are patient. You took time to dissect the root of our differences in opinions on all things, such that I can identify the flawed biasness in me. I remember when you brought your ex to meet me at paya lebar. I remember the gifts you gave me, for I am a very lousy gifter. You changed half of my wardrobe and gave me more confidence in myself. I am honoured beyond words. I am still eternally in debt to you, but thanks for sticking by my side despite everything. 

KP : For being a great check of reality to me, to punch me with hard questions, to explore the vulnerabilities of humans, the flawed side of humans, to embrace myself with candid emotions, open my horizons to the wilderness of the greater world out there, to redefine my boundaries and priorities, to fuel my motivation for a better self, and courage to step out of comfort zones.

J, C, W, M : We connected only recently. I always ponder the interesting occurrence of every factor in life that made this friendship possible. The late night guru sessions from J, so interesting how you could summarise your day, your life, your situations, in paragraphs of lessons. All of you allowed me to dig deeper in your train of thoughts, on your perspectives on matters, for being the devil advocate for alternate views, towards a more etymological understanding of my own emotions and thoughts too. You validated my strengths, you forgave my mistakes. You make me a more honest person in terms of tearing down my facade and be honest about my own emotions. You may be the group I can fulfill some of my life dreams with. C for offering views from the different gender, different social groups, and the candid recounts you have in life. M for the cool vibes, the inclusivity, the blindspots, the acceptance, and the funny gen z jokes that I may be slow to catch but still very very grateful for! W, well, so funny how we started the friendship but thanks for allowing me to be your friend, for the inspiration I have from you, for the companionship through these brief few years, for believing in me while in the force. Thanks for the heartfelt honesty, the good words you have of me to your friends, and the "kyanta reminds me of how life can be so satisfying (or fulfilling) despite its simplicity." And perhaps, one of the few friends who first connected to you at a deeper level. Thanks for that! 

STR : My first teacher in life. You nurture me so much that you are the inspiration for me to nurture others to the best of my abilities. In fact, I do want to step into the education field in the future, as I believe education is the key for vertical mobility, for boundless empathy, and to make a positive difference in this world. Thanks for the movie sessions, the extra tuition lessons, the first person that believes in my potential beyond what I imagined myself to be. 

LKK : My coach. Your disciplinary method, your world view, your proficiency in Chinese culture, your parenting styles, your lifelong learning spirit, your profound reminders from time to time that I wont understand on the moment but will resurface when I really needed them. 

TTW : The industry guru. You are a friend first, everything second. Thanks for the guidance to ground me better in the industry. You went though so many technicalities of life hacks, provided me with timely industry news, pointed out my flaws, and warn me on my shortcomings. Thank you so much!

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Well a few other concepts I would like to discuss in this post. 

Duff. It refers to the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. When asked about my love life in general. Many would be shocked about it. As mentioned many times in this blog, it started out with the period of confusion, "I can relate more to guys than girls, I cant hold conversations with girls, am I Gay or Bi?" Was my first fearful thought growing up. Then " I was not attracted to neither types of porn. Am I assexual" comes my next excuse I gave myself. Well the recent trip got me a trip to my memory lane too. I recalled the times when I had probably advanced from a friend to more than a friend stage at a very young age. P3 and P5. But due to asian parents "too young to date" and other circumstances, I gave up. Then P6 I kindda lost a crush to my best friend. My unwarranted confession made a girl cry before PSLE. Sec 1 my public confession made another girl cry in the basketball court. Sec 2 I confessed in a love song for my desk msg friend and made her cry too. I gave up since then. Poly 2 met a clubber who said my life is too boring. Graduation I was almost in a RS but she got her eyes on my other best friend. I gave up again. These incidents reinforced my self limiting belief that I am destined to be the DUFF. 

Concede. I was never a sports person. Growing up, I didnt have an ego. When my coach said "whoever who wants to leave, stand up and go home now." I did. These aggressions doesnt work on me. Watching last-man-standing films makes me wonder why dont just give up? Playing games for the first times gamers sneer at me for being newbie and noob, I admit, and I quit. I am usually a quitter. I guess in personality, as long as something is not my utmost passion, I quit on the realisation that I am nowhere near average and wouldnt bother to change a thing about it. Hedonistic. Escapist. And I bask on that label. I chose the convenient way of embracing and then internalizing that label. Thus I never really got far in any areas of my life. Its still Jack of All Trades. Again, as an excuse, I added, "Better Than Master of One." Though to be fair today society values this Multi-Intelligence more than a Genius in just one aspect. 

Contributions. I was receiving help from young from people around me. I felt so relieved on financial burdens and therefore since secondary, I made it to be my guiding principle to have 75% of my money spent on alleviating the financial burdens of people around me, such that they have the space for self improvements, self exploration, and to clear one of the many hurdles to ease their journey. I tend to be on cloud nine receiving news on my friends doing well in life. Sounds creepy, but I do have the tendency to celebrate milestones of people around me even if not physically close anymore, by archiving their happy moments. So all these while, I guess im always worried to be the burden of the group. Im always trying to contribute. With nothing I can contribute especially in the pursuit of certain industries, I always resort in using money to be my main contribution. I dare say to date, I probably spent $1k - $10k, or more, to each and every friend around me now, for food for events for holidays for product supports, from the independent ones to the more frequencies ones. In a way, I feel like im "buying friends", tho recent conversations assured me Im definitely not. Its just my altruism too high. 

Fate. Recently I am constantly reminded to get rid of the self negativity, my resignation to fate to conveniently "blame" fate about it. See from young, I concede to the thought that I'm never good enough, never smart enough, never popular enough, never funny enough, never capable enough, never lucky enough, never charming enough. With these thoughts, it may manifest the worst outcome for me. I gotta grow on my self esteem, my believe that I am more than who I think I am. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? It's too easy, too convenient, to blame it on fate, what is mine is mine, what is not mine is not mine, without even trying to improve a bit. Even if I don't reach the apex, I can reach beyond the mean. 

Impulse. A friend of me say I do things in impulse. I cant deny. Lacked self discipline. I cant deny too. Then again, its the easy way out. Especially on casino. Do I want to slowly grind or just go big or go home. I went big indeed. And I went home empty indeed. Tbh I am not too sad about it as it was after all a hard limit I set before stepping in. But this time I guess I kindda see it better? But another part of me always have that feeling that it is just my destiny. I mean what are the odds in blackjack, the probability are impossibly in the favour of casino that I have impossible scenarios. Well in my youth, I do weekly trips to Leisure World to gamble for extra pocket money, I avoided blackjacks cuz the auntie uncle always scolding, toxic environment, so I do big small. Big small, as long I cushion using a Big or Small bet, then bet on specific number that gets me the 12x 18x 30x so I will always win. That grind got me my extra pocket money in the past. So when I loss at RC first time and then RC last year, and also Macau, theres always other factors, such as friend intro to play other games, or teaching how to use maths probability strategy to play best possible hands in blackjack and all. But I always have that gut feel big small is confirm win but grindy, due to the formula I thought was guaranteed. Genting reframed that mindset, the entire night keep opening the middle numbers 8, 9, 10, 11, only 6x payout, cant cover the overall nett count for cushion. So I am convinced that can never game system.