SINGAPORE TOURISM AWARDS 2022

Very happy to be attending this event after 2 years of virtual. Feel rather surreal this time as I am now in a different company. I recall just before the pandemic where we had a table to ourselves for the previous company I worked with. Now, not only that the same few people are representing this different company, there are additions to the team. 

To me personally, this is the mark of endeavour. On 2020, I was in much despair, I was in a bad shape. it just suddenly dawns on me that my entire life has been in a non-pandemic-friendly expertise. During the lockdown especially, where F&B are closed, Tour Guiding has stopped, Events have halted, I reclused into a soul searching stage and began wondering the meaning of life, and if my life has been a waste. Had a brief 2am discussion the other day after boardgaming, which I would like to address some of the topics raised. 

The Googly Eyes Moments. This topic came out when we discussed the Michelle Yeoh movie. I'm truly surprised how everyone at the table watched and liked the movie. To me, it was an ode to some Chinese classics where Michelle Yeoh unlocked the multiverse travel by transferring the conscious to another timeline and the result of that is you get your "abilities" from that timeline. There was this symbolism of googly eyes which I thought was just to suggest the absurdity of things allows you to "see" beyond the realities you are bounded within. Yet W explained that it has a deeper meaning I have never thought of! As quoted from Reddit, "The Googly Eyes - A white circle with a black center is the good approach to nihilism: Be absurd, be strange, be whatever. The Everything Bagel - A black circle with a white center is a worse one: Nothing matters, so it should all be destroyed." Indeed, I am sure I am not alone, but we all do think about impossible scenarios constantly, we think about a lot of "what ifs", we ponder the life decisions we made that may have made drastic differences with our life trajectory. Yet the little small moments of happiness in life actually matter more than anything else. You can have the worst life imagined but with the right people right environment or the right state of mind, everything will turn out okay. 

Life Decisions. I remembered I used to say if I can turn back time I won't change anything, for I am satisfied with my life right now. Yet deep inside, if I were to be honest, there is so much in life I questioned my decision. The other time I was talking to Z about what if from the mischievous boy in Primary school, I stepped into Secondary to mix with the pop kids, to embrace my extroversion, never did hang out with the quieter ones, never went to the arcade, never chose to lean towards by wushu clique, I might turn out to be a whole different person. (PS not saying any clique is bad, just that the echo chambers I built up over the years have built a wall around my world view that I am becoming myopic) What if during my primary school I never stopped singing after losing just one competition on runner up, maybe I would be chasing my passion in music and arts. In the movie, every "failures" or "wrong decisions" Michelle Yeoh made enables her to defeat the ultimate villain at the end. This is really in line with my life philosophy that don't be afraid to learn, for we are like a tree, some skills get us fruits of labour or bloom of vanity, yet some withers away, but all in all, the asymmetrical chaos growth of these branches made us who we are, a tree, maybe a giving tree. 

Being The Burden. I asked daringly, when someone was sharing about her stagnation in her career. I probed, because I faced it before. During my initial years in Tourism, I felt the extreme pressure to provide jobs for the guides around me, I have a naive thought that if I worked hard enough, one day I will attain some equity for my efforts, then I can built an empire from scratch, with least capital investment, thus time is what I had. Even when I jumped ship, I had a constant fear to not being able to provide enough for the friends that came in because of me. When I learned that my rates are below average, I feel so bad. I felt like a burden to them, I felt I am taking up beyond what I can do. I felt that I am not fit to be their leader. The more they are patient and good to me the worst I feel. I feel bad to "waste their time" to follow me. I wake up in the middle of the night on anxiety attacks to constantly push myself to get more sales, address more enquiries, develop more tours, so that everyone around me is well fed. I took to 3 packs a day when the office politics took that toll on me. I feel so bad, that I pulled a friend into a deep shit hole for him. Then all in all, seeing that he is in a much better and more suitable place now, really eases my mind and my heart a lot. So then another friend, W, came to say sometimes, as much as people follow you, be honest on your capability, on your limits, such that it becomes their ownership of the decision to follow me. I went to talked to each and everyone of them. Yes they are in for my sake, but they are following me willingly. So I'm so so so so so glad and happy to have these friends in my life! I learned to delegate tasks, I learned to train people to think how I think, to see what I see, to work in the style I work. Disclaimer though, I still do have that burden-complex thing. A lot of times I like to do things alone, the facade I put up is "Oh I am happier to do the things I like alone so I don't have to keep finding like-minded people for every different activities.", I guess the truth is, I feel that my getting people to accompany me to do things I like, I am "Burdening" the person. I guess communication worked, to ask if they are okay, if not they can "you do you, I do Me" kind of arrangement. And if they chose to follow, dont feel the pressure to always ensure they would like what you do, cuz its really okay that they dont, so they can make decisions on the next occasion. It's a choice. 

Way Back Into Love. Well, as much as I say I am ready for a change and gradually be back in the market by year end. Yet if I am asking myself truthfully, there is still a rather thick all bothering me. And this thick wall is still my johari. I dont know what it is. Not esteem, not personality, not opportunities. I am still trying to figure out. Maybe its just hectic work-school-life balance? Then if I ask myself, what is "Love"? I still don't have an answer. I have never been on the stage where I love somebody so much I do everything for her. I have never fall head over heels to anyone. My attraction radar is broken, I dont even look at girls on the go. I used to think love is one sided, you wish for the best but do not expect reciprocy. That's parental love. I think it works differently in BGR, there is bound to have an effort balance. Then I think of the Pillars of Love (intimacy, passion, and commitment) and the Four Horsemen of Love (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling). I guess these leads to the Quadraple Theory (Attraction, Connection, Trust, and Respect). 

Opposites. They say opposite attracts. But I guess it cannot be too opposite. Two worlds can overlap, such that there is still a part of "self", and a mutual shared universe amongst the two. I used to think that I gotta find the perfect one that matched all my interests and worldviews and thinking, that's like loving myself. Without that differences, I would not grow. Yet the opposite is not possible too, as when we are worlds apart, then there's no similarity, then it's hard to interest each other with our own social circle or activities. That way, there is no common ground at all. At the end, is to prioritise what is important. I always thought I am a settler, but perhaps, there's a part of me to be the reacher, to reach to the idealistic one, for if you ask me to prioritise, it's really hard for me to rank my priorities, and being an escapist, any incongruence will irritates me a lot a lot. Perhaps, there's always this expectation that my spouse should know me most, should support me most, should compliment me most. Again, that's selfish. I gotta overcome this too.