So, almost half a year since my last update. 

2022, has been rather kind to me, I'm glad. 

The year started with the spillover fatigue from Red Oil Lamp and Voices. 

But just as the Tarot said, after resolving some conflicts, some misunderstandings, some false impressions, things were smoother. This year I'm pretty much focused on studies, trying to offload many work stuffs, yet still seems so much to do. But slowly and slowly, with more people onboard, more templates created, more sop set, slowly heading towards a lean operation. Boss have been kind to me. I feel the recognition I wanted is coming to place. The respect I wanted is gaining. I'm happy working again. As my friend W mentioned, do not forget that you want out of the decisions you made initially, if its fulfilled, nothing else matters, cuz you cant have everything. 

It was after Chinese New Year though, that I had a sudden realization, I guess I'm in my comfort zone for way too long. I've always had that traditional mindset to find 1 perfect partner to spend the rest of my life with, have sex after marriage, must be filial, must be chinese-culture educated, yet liberal thinking, can stimulate my thinking with alternative perspectives, yet empathetic to see from opposing views, can engage in discussion without conclusions, can be socially independent, yet have enough social etiquette to get along with my side of friends. hahhahas. Naive.

Well, you see, from outside, my life seems to be going great. Many people around me seem to be envious or inspired. But the truth is far from that. Grass is always greener on the other side, but I chose to stay with mine. It's really about personal choices of life, and since I've made the choice, I've gotta bear the consequences. 

Choose the Suffering You Are Willing to Endure. The path I have chosen is less conventional. Being a small start up, being a young Tourist Guide, trying to revamp the industry on a conceptualisation level, trying to do things different challenging status quo and all, not easy. I do envy desk bound employees, with less stress on the directions and sustainability but more of living paycheck to paycheck doing within own boundaries. Most have no idea how much time I spent spiralling down meaningless abyss of envy and wallow in self pity that I have chosen the path less travelled, yet there's always that one dim part of me to whisper "burn on!", I can do this, for I know my personality can never be satisfied in other paths. "I could fill the world with all my problems - just ranting, just putting it out there, expecting people to agree and set up a psuedo echo chamber. But, shit, that wouldn't solve them at all, it will be back, it will continue to haunt. So I wish to be courageous to face them one by one. And friends' stories around me inspired me to do so one by one. 

Stepping out of Comfort Zone. If I could break my DNA to pieces, I want to analyze developmental psychology on myself. Where did I leave traces of hurt, where did I leave scars on others and myself, where did I develop certain feelings or skewed thinking on some matters. I wanna aet rid of all my demons that ties me down to attain the maximum potential of myself. If I could cleanse my soul of these "devil advocates" trying to find excuses, trying to find explanation, trying to take the easy way to ignore my flaws. So thankful for W, Z, S, T, W, K, in my life to challenge me out of my comfort zone. 

Friends. Because of a dear friend. These pandemic years have been an introspective journey for me. The song "Modern Loneliness" hits me so hard today, maybe it's the post travel blues. Since pandemic, I kinda had an epiphany that links back to what my coach said years go. "As you piece together the ragdoll with all your time, you bend up and look around, you will realise there are much more people behind you, waiting for you". Know my boundaries, do not offer help that would potentially become a dependency. Learned the hard way constantly. Ive never felt so much peace in my life. Not thinking about activities and gatherings to bond cliques together. I wait for their call. Some do. Some do not. Doesnt matter. Thus, "Love my friends to death but I never call and I never text". I do enjoy the companionship the big groups, the party. But I must give space for their own. And our reunion will be more meaningful. Thankful for all the small groups to see me through my ups and downs. D, K, C, D, Z, W, T, thank you so so so so so much. You all made life much more bearable for this vulnerable and fragile soul. Each of you made me feel I'm not alone, I'm never alone, and i can get through these. U kept my sanity in check. U made my feelings valid. U see the worst in me, offered your hand to move on. 

Family. I guess every household got its bickers. But I do envy the US family drama series where families goes for vacation together, go hiking, spend sunday for family activities, family supports one another, etc etc. It's hard for me to achieve that here, for the both of them are just 2 very different human beings with the most stubborn minds and very typical Chinese traditional mindset. Again, acribed status, we don't choose family, we just gotta make it work in our own ways. My family do not have the concept of privacy, adventure, foodie, pop culture, sports, and nurturing methodology, etc etc, not really, nothing really. So perhaps I grew up with certain world views inherited from them. And this is the 2 years I started to explore the teenagers mindset and the changing perspectives of today gen. I guess this is "The person I've become" due to upbringing. No good and bad, just trying to step out of the comfort zone to "fill all of this empty", and I have still a looooong way to go. 

Esteem. So Im genuinely happy when I see friends around me getting attached and all. And when we go to party, seeing them getting girls and all. Makes me happy, or when they share their ego triumphant and all, makes me really happy. But then on the other spectrum, there's a feeling of "wtf is wrong with me" feeling, like what am I feeling, why do I feel this way, why do I overthink, why didn't I live in the moment. I guess I have not sort out with myself, I am not fully comfortable with myself, no matter how much confidence my facade may scream. "In my bedroom and my closet, the baggage in my heart is still so dark". Truly, I have low esteem on my face, I think I'm ugly. I am a fashion terrorist. I am an ancient bore. I am labeled as fat my whole life. I appear "old" within my peers as my interest is retro and oldies. I blanket these with the excuse that I belong to bars and country clubs, I still could find my joy, but with that I feel I closed up the door to even trying to step into the teenage world. I must stop that. I need to reframe my mind. I need to be more curious, I need to update. I need to stop giving myself excuses. Recently, a friend, W's transformation, has inspired me greatly. His change in fashion, his glow in spirits, his enthusiasm to step out of his bubble, his courage, his journey. Thank you. 

I conclude, Im not gonna hit 30 years old still a virgin. Know nothing on love. Know nothing on sex. By then whoever my spouse may be I wouldn't want to give a mediocre and lousy 1st time. There's no time to explore together. I don't want to hit 30 with intoverts and outcasts around me, I do want to learn about the other side of the fence. How pop kids think, dress, feel, be motivated, be affected, be challenged, be defeated, etc etc. So thankful for Z in my life to be my social etiquette consultant, my wardrobe consultant, my social media guru, my alternative views discussion contender. Really, you will never know how far you can go until you go too far. Let's step out, explore, try, open my mind, at most, if not suitable, just fall back, no experience is a wasted experience. 

Message for younger self : be more honest with yourself thats not pressured to give a strong facade