Lord, I'm doing all I can........ To be a better man

Devastating news today. Well, on a lighter note of things, today was the second day since reopening from heightened alert, means dining in. Tours are resuming so im really glad. I dined out for the past 2 days, in multiple places, multiple meals. 

Was on the topic of communication. As shown in TV dramas, and case studies from people around me, communication is really important. The olden day philosophy is that keeping quiet, managing own emotions, outweighs direct confrontation, silence is golden, time will heal. But I highly disagree. I think most problems arise because intentions are mistaken, and hurt are not spoken. 

I had never realized, that I am a horrible person. See throughout my whole life, I'm always trying to please everybody, always going my extra mile to be there for everybody, for me to be shot down to say "what's the point to please everybody?". 

So apparently, truth was revealed that the reason why I couldnt connect to certain people, is that I had a slip of tongue to label and demean the person, to belittle their worth And a few times I had overlooked on the welfare of the person. Heartbreaking. I mean seriously, through my actions and all, never try to bother people if I can do it myself, and the nice gestures and all, was it too much? did I come out too fake? what did I really go wrong? 

So the strain came in. I remembered I did mention, that he do not need to be as hardworking as me, not obliged to have the no-day-no-night life like me. He claimed that it was his decision, he wanna do well, he wanna perform. We never had a pressure on working in terms of hours, but we didnt realize that the enquiries and diverting of calls are taking too much of a toll, it became a 24/7 jobscope. To me, there is a certain way to handle customers, in terms of addressing enquiry in the most short and efficient way. But he didnt adopt it. Okay nevermind. Then we can always come up with a system for off days, since we never really cared on such things, we thought that he knew the non stop call culture, and that paper is just paper, but we were wrong, they regard it highly.   

And why was these not communicated. 

Sigh. 

And so I thought I am getting closer to the perfect culture. But dayum it was all wrong right in the beginning. The fear or confrontation. The fear of working out a system. The lack of confidence that the problem can be solved, and even gave me a smurk. Am I not capable enough? Dilemma. As a friend or as a manager? Role confusion. 

Sigh. 

I guess Im not good enough to hold a team. Not good enough to lead a culture. Not good enough to create the utopia I have always envision. And for what? Why the persistence? Why clinging on? Why shortchanging myself? 

Sigh. 

Pandemic....... Prolly the only good coming out of it in personal development, is retrospection of events and evaluation of definition, that all leads to question. What is me? What is life? What purpose?

Vanity of Vanities. All is Vanity. 

Fuck humans, fuck life, why complicate simple things. 

Can a fatal accident be staged so one wont have to carry the physical burden or emotional guilt of suicide? Then would that still be considered suicide when the plan involves a willing party? Would that then be a murder instead? How to not get other involved? 

Just random thoughts, I am alright. Late night randomness. 

Or maybe just tired...........