What a tiring day!

At midnight yesterday, just as I was about to sleep, J called me to say he is stuck at Airport cashless and thus have to cab to my house for me to pay. So then I started doing project and completed it by 3am.

This morning, invited the cell for a pizza party, supposedly for CH due to the bus stop, but then I think he eat little only. Supposedly also to celebrate holiday for n and O lvl ppl. Anyway the atmosphere was so awkward.

Was pissed in the beginning cuz they were complaining about helping me to get the pizza, like wow, now I see how big of a burden is that to u....... totally so different that the one who carry my bike from katong to my house, or to take ever bus record when I overslept. I mean..... I was totally disappointed.

To think that some complete stranger bothered to heed my advise and was more appreciative than closed ppl in my life. I guess ppl take friendship for granted too much already. Was just talking about friendship with another friend the day before, when I visit SCC again after so long, and played colour catching like the old days hahas. And even had ppl crying as we leave.

Then at MindCafe, atmosphere was so different. Like I used to be able to have fun mindcafe trips with different groups of people, but I guess the best times are still with Wushu friends.

Kindda make me think of Task-Specific social support, where people go to different friends for the "benefit" of different needs. Like you approach a gaming friend for game, a sports friend for outdoor, etc. But lately I guess I was trying to adopt the hierarchical-compensation model but seems to still be traps in the convoy model.

What makes a friend a friend sia, if just for the "benefit", then its so fake lorh, sigh.. vanities of vanities, all is vanities!!!

Sigh. Anyway, anyway today just gets me thinking, why the in the world did I bother to do all these again, like I have not been organizing anything much, life goes on, why the trouble, and not getting the kind of appreciation I think I should have.

Totally no mood to play in the middle of it, but then seeing how some of them bothered to try to save the atmosphere to buy snacks and introduce games, and at least laugh. Hate party pooper so much, the world dont give a damn how u feel until you deprive others og their rightful share of happiness they would otherwise have.

As I said lorh, donno nevermind, at least give the damn to try, to act, to force yourself to like it, cuz positive psychology concludes that forcing yourself to like something will one day make you actually like it for real. At least make an effort to try.

I mean, I dont know why always have this kind of ppl in a group as always, why cant I have a perfect group of like minded fun and adventurous group of ppl.

Sigh.

Then me on the other hand trying to be hero make what shit differences, whole loads of bullshit, my parents are right, why spend so much money on ppl when I cant even feed myself.

Guess the only good times I had was to teach a friend to play pool and to catch up with an old old friend.

Sigh...... so many things these days!! whats wrong with me???!?!?!?! why so troubled, so stuck, so lost....... What the hell i wanna do in life man....... what should I do, what should I pursue, what exactly do I want?! It's like all chasing after the wind, so futile! 

So tired....... shall slp early.. nitez!

Red on my knuckles, dry on my throat. 

No worries, I simple vent them on the wall.

Sigh, was really tired, tried to have a good sleep in the sofa, wants to go for a good beer but decided to come home for the home cooked dinner.

Who knows, as I wake up, quarreled with parents till now.

Today is just not my day. 

Morning late for bus stop, luckily a friend was soooo great that he wrote down EVERY SINGLE DAMN BUS until I wake up........ gosh soososoososososooooo grateful!!

Then, cab to work, in the end jam till $22.

Sigh........

Anyway, yea, low on cash these days, then mum came demanding explanations for my expenditures. Well, on my part, I seriously couldnt feel it every time as I eat it cost up to 20-30, that amount seemed so small until it snowballed into hundreds of dollars.

But then, she kept lamenting about me treating people around me. I know I owe them for a living, but then again, I have kept to my means. I spent within my budget, I no longer need to ask for their money other than the 200 they gave for simple meals, phone and transportation.

In my point of view, what is a dollar saved today when it would depreciate in the near future, rather to spend it on people around me, who mostly had not enjoyed gourmet food or been to places in singapore. Why to cling on a fading dollar when you can make a little difference to a person's life, that could widen their horizon for greater understanding of the world around them.

It really makes a great difference. Before my financial freedom from part time work, I have been a frog in a well in Singapore. There are so many places I have never been to, so many food I have never tried. Being in a well can really be depressing, you start looking at the world so small so lifeless, and you start being pessimist, starting to find a bleak world out there, starting to feel that the dark cloud above the well is the only bleak outlook of life, failed to see that somewhere, there can still be light.

My principle of life is to share the world I live in. I understand the struggles to live, especially with money. Why keep thinking that money can solve everything? Why kept thinking that money is the essential essence of life? Why kept thinking about "what if fall sick need go hospital"? Why kept thinking money spent is money wasted? It's so depressing to see how money had been a center of your life. 

I mean, as young as I am, as spoilt as I am, I spent within my means, still living fine, I guess that is good enough. I understand the burden of 8 mouths to feed in my future, but that is future, why let the future deprive me of a great teenhood. I have no great talents nor rich friends that might be of use in the future, but there is a reason it is so. As long as I find happiness in them I guess I am alright. Everyone has hobbies, let's just say mine is to make a difference. And I got nothing much to make a difference other than just to eat drink and be merry. And so be it.

Sigh....... what difference could i actually make to the future with these petty sums of money. not like I can invest into something and let it grow, provided Im not dumb enough to screw it up, or what great business could I come up with. I mean look at you, in the end, you are no better..... one of you is still under some boss, unwilling to change a trade, to change a marketing strategy, to expand product line, and another is still a housewife, what happened to all the great food u can make, the great yogurt you make? Not like I have not given you ideas to make it big, you refuses, then, given my limited time, what can I do at this moment? 

Anyway whatever the case, money still wins, will be rather frugal for the next half a month, for I had not much left.

Work has been okay for me nowadays.

Rather, it was all the events and catch ups that are making me physically tired.

Well anyway, went to watch Grandma Mary at the Esplanade on Nov 7.

She was really awesome. She was able to solo Carlos Santana on a Electric Guitar!

Then she got up to sing, and even dance! Wow look at her spinning and twirling and twisting and swirling....

My hero!

Admired her so much, able to learn what she like, and really succeed in it.

Most importantly, the band that was playing with her, I loved that Guy's vocal soooo much! So rich! and good control! wow!

Sigh, though I know we should all be contented in our lives, appreciate what we were given, but I dont.Frankly i hate my looks my voice my everything. I mean dont have to be like number 1, no need be prince charming, no need be superstar, at least a decent look, that contains a nice natural smile, a friendly face, a nice voice, and an in-tuned voice.

Sigh....... everytime listen to ppl sing, so envious........ but i cant just dont listen, cuz I really cant likve without music...... sigh...... what a curse...

Made up my mind! Maybe I should hold my passion on musical instruments first and work on my vocal. For some class that able to change my voice. Hmm..... shall start saving money for that.........

在你辉煌的时刻 让我为你唱首歌
我的好兄弟 心里有苦你对我说
前方大路一起走 哪怕是河也一起过
苦点累点 又能算什么

When you are doing well, let me rejoice with you,
My friend, lay your troubles on me,
We shall walk through the future together
What is toil when we got each other?

 在你需要我的时候 我来陪你一起度过
我的好兄弟 心里有苦你对我说
人生难得起起落落 还是要坚强的生活
哭过笑过 至少你还有我

When you need me, I will be there,
My firned, lay your troubles on me,
Life is ups and downs, yet we still gotta brace through life
Through tears of happiness tears of sorrows, I am still here

朋友的情谊呀比天还高 比地还辽阔
那些岁月我们一定会记得
朋友的情谊呀我们今生 最大的难得
像一杯酒 像一首老歌

A friendship is forged, higher than the sky, wider than the earth
May the memories we shared last forever
A friendship is forged, precious than anything else
Worth more than an old wine, more than an old song

Read via LonelyReload,
Some articles that says that perhaps breaking up with a good friend is more hurtful than breaking up with a relationship. I guess I have to agree. I personally lost a few friends, through losing contact, drifting, death, and migration. The thing is, I guess, drifting is the worst. I mean, there is no reason for drifting, nothing to blame, and that friendship just fades away slowly. Sigh.......

http://www.gotquestions.org/parable-laborers-vineyard.html

Basically farming was a tedious job in that time. So the owner of a vineyard hired a group of ppl, he said "I will pay you one denarius for a day of work". Calculating the economic situation, that was indeed generous enough. So then as the day go by he hired more and more groups of ppl, but subsequently, he said to them, "work for my vineyard and I will pay you what is right". 

So then the time comes when they receive their wages, the earliest group was shocked that last group who worked for merely an hour gets one denarius, equal to them. They were angry about it. The owner said, "are you envy of my generosity?" 

The problem was not that they were paid less but the attitude and envy that others were paid more by grace.The problem lies when we actually compare. Actually my internship is bearable, just that as I compare to the other departments, or other internships company, I felt unfair, I felt worst off, but hat doesnt mean it is not what I deserve.Comparison is bad. Whether u compare with the better or the worst, you are either saddened or proud, both are not good, encourages envy, wrath, selfishness, pride, arrogance and oppression. 

Towards othersDont be Competitive.

Towards yourselvesDont be Conceited.

We are designed in such a way that it is hard to kick our part and hard to pat our backs, because that was meant for others to do for u. Today, I am so much more motivated. 

A friend told me that actually i should not be affected by my parents views and remarks too much, since it's all just the matter of perspective, of what is of worth. Since I've been doing it, just carry on, YOLO, no second thoughts....... he commented that I am one of the influence in life, makes me feel so great! more valued, more dignified, more  motivated in life.......

 Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls....

Still....... Rejoice~~

Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little 
Can barely stand on my feet (Take a look at yourself) Take a look in the mirror and cry (and cry) Lord what you're doing to me (yeah yeah) I have spent all my years in believing you But I just can't get no relief, Lord! Somebody (somebody) ooh somebody (somebody) Can anybody find me somebody to love ? 

Yesterday I met with a great friend of mine. He helped me greatly during O levels, and even in my poly years. I had never walked away from him learning nothing new. So he commented I was awesome. That moment, I was really in cloud nine.

Anyway today, it was my off day, so as usual I called up a few friends for a feast. Then now I thought back, sometimes, seriously, why do I always have this mindset to always spend unnecessary. Maybe a part of me wouldn't mind to literally "buy" a companion for a day. But to think of it, chocolates, $110 worth of chocolates for people who I either dont mean often, or probably wont see me through another 10 years, is it worth it? I mean part of the reason was that I like to have huge feasts, cuz I seldom have that, and part of it was because I want to taste as many types of gourmet as possible. 

But come to think of it, I do enjoy sitting at a bar with a live band playing some good tunes, or just some peace by the beach, or stare at the stars at rooftops. Then, it became rather irritating with the label "gay", like I know at times I may be particular about things such as cleanliness of table, or that my language of love as touch dominance, but then seriously, is it that bad? What if I am really one? What stereotypes were actually false? How would a real one behave? How different would their lifestyle be? Gays are socially constructed, may I should really find out more about this "culture".... Hmm... curious.... 

The reason why Im not into romance, is that I really find all those lame and meaningless, what is marriage more than compatibility, willingness to walk down the path of life, and for continuity? A part of life, which some may not even take it. I mean if I had to deal with the stress of raising a good kid, might as well adopt and nurture one than to take the risk of creating one bad kid right. All the romance and theories and act, it's jsut a matter of emotions that drives the world, and choices, sacrifices, and time, you just gotta juggle your time well, and when u cant, just sacrifice some thoughts to do some great acts and ta-da hollywood romance. 

I dont have a charming look, neither I have much talents in anything, and rather lazy, and dont seem to get along with ppl well, and most ppl I close with lasts a year before I or they simply moved on, all in all P.J is still right, Im just that happy time guy, I find that Im easy moved and touched by simple acts of kindness for me, what if they are pretentious? Am I that naive? Seriously, I am sick of tired of chasing for some long lasting friendship or relationship, I rather have children that I could teach and nurture, at least more worth it, but then again as they grow up we will just be rather distant again. Human relationship is just so absurd, pointless, ridiculous. Perhaps Gulliver is a wise man, being a misanthrope.

In God we trust, in human we distant......... hahas words of a misanthrope......

Watched the episode of "On the Red Dot", the episode on Kids Extraordinaire.

I came across those kids. I think they're really really blessed to be a blessing.

Jiajia and Bigbro has really really good heart doing all the volunteering work. They were exposed to volunteerism at a young age and are willing to sacrifice their time to make a difference in the lives of others. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er4Xh-63nAQ

Then it's Miguel Antonio! Yepp the one I came across at Beerfest and Timbre. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lrg1A7A2Co

Gerald Tan is amazing, calling the shots on Ge Tai  management. Wow!

Lim Ding Wen is another amazing kid! He started computer at 2, and released iphone app at 9, mastering languages such as Java and Pascal, it's really amazing! Creme de la creme, he even surpassed his father in app making. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lim_Ding_Wen

Lastly, it's M. Ritwan, it's really amazing how he can brace through all the speech and mobile impairments, and could now live almost in a normal state. Seeing his situation seriously made me feel that we are all so weak in the world. How I really wish to actually help people like him in the future.

Anyway, yea for all these cases, family support is so important. It is their parents who had taught them great values from young, esp for Jiajia Bigbro, and instill their gracious heart and groom them to be a blessing in life. How I wish my parents were more of such heroes, than doing nothing much for the past 10 years, being rather stingy on everything and seriously putting selves first then others. Sigh. But then again, compared to other problematic family, guess I'm lucky enough. My next generation will be better! I will aim to raise superkids, that are superheroes of the ordinary lives, who could all find joy and purpose in helping, find the passion of life. The mroe I feel so useless stuck int he internship rather than doing some volunteering work in my community. Sigh.

How I also wish that people around me are as awesome as these kids, to make themselves more useful to do all these community work, to bring joy to people, to be less troubled by lame and trivial things in life, to really make a difference in Singapore.

Sigh. but then again, teens are teens, these kindda thing must really start young. And also parents are parents, volunteerism is often seen as wasting resources, good for nothing kindda work. Sigh. I hope that I could groom the next batch to wushu kids to be volunteerism oriented, values-loaded, vantage thinkers, veteran martial artist. Ambitious indeed......

Right now situation is that I am always careless, either that or situation is new and I have no experience in handling, and out of own initiative I tend to make mistakes.

As much as company ppl are disappointed And angry and keep scolding, I just apologize again and again hiding my emotions.

Bottling up the anger n frustration causes harm to my mood and ppl around me esp at home. It is not healthy. Violence building up, I have no idea when is my limit.

Maybe just dont have potential here, I am just not suited, it's misallocation of resources. Not that I'm not trying it that they are incapable but it's just not my thing. Fruitless persistent is in vain, a stupid wooden log can't lay eggs, what is the point? No one at fault, is just no fengshui....

This goes on I doubt I get a good appraisal anyway, should I persevere on or just give up? Might prevent further damages to company anyway. I'm coming from a remorse, guilty, hedonist point of view instead of complains and anger towards company, so company is not at fault.

Grateful that I have great friends to keep encouraging me, tearing for the push they kept giving me. Few times was so overwhelmed with appreciation for some colleagues.  Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.  This is working life... How am I gonna survive on? In the future??? 

It's exactly 1 and a half months left of my intern.

However, I really have no idea how much longer I can take it.

I mean, if you look at the physical side of it, actually it is nothing. I mean if you are numb enough to all the mental pressure, it's nothing. But seriously, working everyday, knowing that no one appreciates you, and the job means nothing to me except more a paper cert, and it's not meaningful at all, doesnt make a difference on earth, what for??? Is all there worth it?

Here I am, trying to tend to every customer needs, and I get comments like "Customer do not like", and that one incident (which apparently not my customer), caused the supervisor to think I have a bad attitude, and commented that I should serve more with heart and not to get rid of phone calls. Then, being solo in Ecom, need to clear emails, I know I am slow, but I'm working on it, and then complain I take too little phone calls. Then, ask qn, they would say I kept asking, no ask question, they say why I no initiative to ask.

Then, everything I do, though a lot of new cases which I get the privilege to see how the company handles all different types of situation, I am also wrong. I mean, lots of case for me is new. As much as I love the gaining knowledge part, at least give some appreciation?

I am halfway there, it will seriously be "Ban Tu Er Fei", literally. Yet, still, if I walked till the end, only to get lousy remarks and appraisal, how is that worth my time? When i can always do much more meaningful stuffs.

I didnt get as bad as my friend though. But seriously, I think I seriously do not suit this environment. I cant multi ask, I am clumsy, I am slow. Sigh. Then all in all I gotta suck thumb and absorb all the indirect sarcasm and seeing so many ppl "disappointed" in me. Sigh.

And if you wanna compare, I think I perform better than my colleagues? At least more emails sent out, more phone calls handled, but its forever seems like they are against me. Am I really that bad? Where should I belong? The thugs? The mugs? The murderer? Gosh, if this is the future world, I seriously rather be dead. Where is humanity? Where is compassion? Where is understanding? And unique purposes?

I guess I shall discuss this with my parents. Perhaps it's really not worthwhile to put up with all these shit. I mean, I can always look at the bright side, cuz endure all the way, be robots, be dumb ppl, be dogs, but why should I forgo my ego, my dignity, my freedom of speech, for something that should not put a thumb on me, should not affect my life, should not give in to?

I got so much more more meaningful things to do in life, or at least still searching for it, why must I be stuck here, waste my time on it?

Just as I was moaning and dying pushing the punctured bike from Chung Cheng to Katong, he pushed it all the way to my house. OMGosh, seriously touched by someone that did sooooo much for something could be sooooo trivial to me! Instead of waiting for a lorry or van, we actually did it carry it back home. Seriously raged at whoever who sabotaged by bike a second time as I fixed it before locking it at Katong. Yet, as everything has a positive and negative, I gained a really really awesome friend. Yet to this person, I was never close into his life, he seemed struggling with some sort of friendship problem, but I felt so useless that I am unable to break into it despite all the psychology background.