March 12. 

Today marks the 60th day with a great friend, somehow, we had a consecutive 60 days of meeting. Partly because we considered those pass midnight days, partly because he is a work colleague too. It's crazy kind of think of it. Interestingly, yesterday he mentioned about fear of being abandoned, which is why he clung on friendship so much, which is why he would forgive anything to keep friendship going. Hearing that, I am super super honored to be one of that friend he chose to have. But then again, on a hindsight, I am just wondering how different would things be if not for the entire saga. 

Last few posts mentioned about how I clung on a friendship before that was one sided, that my good intention became "creepy". That kind of set my mind that all feast comes to an end, and that my sole purpose is an avenue of help to whoever needs it at the moment and thats it. Perhaps that is why I developed the kind of "view of friendship" like a "mentor" figure, instead of a friend. I tend to always want to nurture and bring out the best out of everyone, pushing them to the limits. Then, when the time comes for them to soar their wings and fly, my duty is done and off to another chapter. But this year has been a wave of emotions. 

Thinking back to Primary school, friends who we used to cycle back and forth each other's houses until sundown and will only part on the halfway mark. Then to sec school long walks to send friends home. Or the days we spend at the neighborhood bubble tea shop. Moving to friends who I even stayed over but eventually distanced due to external complications from her boyfriend or parents. Then ofcoz the one that I kept doing all I can but to be deemed too "creepy". Along the way, those that Ive hurt by saying wrong stuffs or teasing too much. Or even the hiking buddies I used to have.

Maybe as life became hectic or maybe just that as we grow older, memories weigh more emotionally, I started to think, how bizarre these all are. I guess, in any kind of relation, similar to Intimacy Passion and Commitment, in friendship, it is Click, Companionship and Commitment. It takes effort of both sides to maintain one. 

Few months ago, another friend mentioned about how after graduation, friends he used to hang out every single day just disappears and refusing to even meet. It's weird, these are the things I used to tell juniors, to cherish friendship while you can as it is harder to find a friend without agenda as you grow up, and that goodbyes are inevitable so treasure every moment now. I guess I became a little desensitized when growing up. But it is catching back on me. 

Then again, also happy that I brought another friend for Tarot. His readings is rather messy but along the line of "Hidden potentials to unleash but hindered by a figure. Be careful of betrayal, but do not fear to seek listening ear instead of bottling it all up. And dont be burdened financially but choose rationally for the future." or at least thats all I remembered. But yea he wrote a long letter to unleash his thoughts to be burnt. To be honest, I never imagined that extent of longing. And he dont usually expand on that. So yea, I guess no one can really 100% feel how you feel. 

All of us at any one time is a product of a social construct, where every decision by you and everyone around you, environment, and circumstances, and generation, shaped who we are. Our lives never belong to ourselves. I did held on this thought tightly enough, especially every time I feel useless and of no help, or screwing things up and turns suicidal. I guess this motto made me move on. Ofcoz, it's probably a 2am thoughts as usual, and would disappear by dawn, but yea, can't help to be in a cancer sign right? 

Looking at the current situation though, somehow I am super super happy that despite my workaholic personality, I am able to be there for whoever who reach out to me, and super glad that I can be considered a good friend, if not best, to the clique I have now. Now, I am learning to stop being a "mentor" and to start being a "friend" more. To listen without always providing solution, and to provide only when asked, and to encourage more. 

Watched Disney Raya, a movie on Trust the altruistic nature of everyone, and then rewatched Onwards, a movie on Brotherhood and dont give up being there for people even if you screw up, and lastly Brother Bear about understanding points of view and destiny. Disney, I must say, never fails to extract that drops of tears and to wrench my nose. At this point, I am getting curious myself what could my past lives be?