Well, 1 month of 2021 just passed. 

TBH, wasnt a great start at all. So last year we had a big gathering, when I was so happy that the clique multiplied, with their plus ones. But within the first month, 3 gone already. Sigh. 

I know rationally it doesnt make sense, but it kindda hurts to see this happening, as if I thought I could have done something more to prevent this. maybe more bonding sessions, develop the social support better, more bonds more activities more conversations, or anything else within my means. But its gone.

So Ive been struggling with 2 - 4h daily sleep for the month. And me having a small emotional capacity, I feel hurt too. Hurt that I feel helpless for im either in no place to say anything, and helpless in getting any progress from recovery. 

Then though some night walks and night cycling, I went down my own memory lane going through the streets that were once familiar. Opera Estate, Chai Chee, Bedok North, Reservoir, Old Airport, East Coast, Bayshore. 

So I'm also reminded of friends that were once so close to, especially school days, but it seems like that bond will be lost upon graduation. I was reminded of losing some of them, and regret that when I met them on the streets I didnt acknowledge, which became the last memories of the few of them. And those that got busy with work, with NS, with family, and so drifted, not forgetting the overseas ones. I am reminded of close friendships that end as platonic friendship is not well practiced. I am reminded how alternate lifestyle was not accepted .

So I catch up as much as I can, putting the effort to reconnect to as much as I can. Friendship, is fragile too, it takes efforts and commitment too. But then today I was also reminded that my too much effort may seem "creepy" or "gay". That was probably one of the most hurtful friendship. The kind of effort I put in to "read" and relate to, and not taking sides but just talking and all the long rides......... all for such an impression. 

Appreciate the frankness, I acknowledge myself touchy and emotional and also the fact that I dont really have girlfriends nor "girl"friends, but seriously, it still hurts, jokingly or frankly. Recently one of them mentioned, it could be that due to my small emotional capacity, thus a part of me fear to commit into one, because I know myself I may not be able to be as resilient as these people around me. And when asked if really thats the case, what would the response be, and the hurtful response were "Distance". Sigh, is "Friendship 

To me at least is "当下", (At the Moment". The most important time is "now", with the most important person "the one with me now", and the most important thing "to be there for the one with me now"

You see, to live in the "moment", contrary to popular usage to mean YOLO, do whatever you want, there's no time for regrets, irresponsibly. In my translation, it is not supposed to be a hedonist kindda motto. Referencing to various philo and religion, living in the "present" means to slow down and appreciate the trivial things around you at the moment, understanding that all actions have a cause and effect, and all things that piece together, be it good or bad, has a choice, has a sacrifice, but all in all these trivial things makes "life" worth enjoying, a little like "live or let live" feeling.

Maybe Im just doing too much beyond what I should, but it's just me to take care of those around me, to path their way if I could, that.