Mixed feeling about everything recently. 

On one hand, very happy to be able to organize big clique outings, playing board games, eating childhood martabak, playing kampong games, and then night cycling under heavy rain that drench us at an almost 90 degrees angle. 

It's usually outings like this that makes me so heartwarming and happy that the clique is expanding and gelling together. But in the end kindda realize it's the same few of them putting effort to be the mediator of every tensed situation. 

From a pop kids cliques full of high EQ, he knows very well about social interaction and human behavior. I on the other hand, in a very crude manner, is a "collector". Many in my clique have very strong character and tensions with one another. Jealousy over Friends, Inclusion and Exclusion of status as "Clique" or "Plus Ones", and Tactfulness, are in constant balancing act. 

Then again, as pointed out, most of my social groups are not organic, most of them do not have similar interest or belonging that spark connections or bonds, which really makes me think back hard. I guess I have always think that my purpose is to connect people together and form social support groups for one another. At the end, all the efforts are in vain if the creatures do not thirst. Very glad though that he stepped into my life, my clique, and are very good advisor to manage situations and all. But dayum I am tired. 

曾经以为人生就这样了     |     Used to think cest la via, so such is life,
平静的心拒绝再有浪潮     |     That my peaceful heart can't take more strife.
人与人交情如豪猪寻温     |     Social Interactions is full of give and take, "hi" and "bye",
也相似刮风雨里放风筝     |     Like hedgehogs in the winter caves; kites in the stormy sky.
聚散终有时黎明黄昏轮     |     Dawn gives life everyday, but all feasts will end, soon it's nightfall,
日久未必深情水未流长     |     No longer just about interest, nor just frequency; it's humans overall.
短暂人生匆匆走了几回     |     In this short life I've walked, through winter spring summer fall,
算是用尽一生的情与力     |     I've lived of no regrets, I hope I have gave everything my all.
真的累了快要不在乎了     |     It's draining, it's exhausting, albeit heartwarming at the end of it all,
身不由己但愿人长久吧     |     I am not on my own, look forward to the future with yall.

Truth is, Im tired. I guess this blog has seen many posts of similar nature. I am constantly organizing events, connecting people, but all feast comes to an end, granted that these recent years I have been doing this lesser and lesser, but usually not very reciprocal. I don't know why I should bother in the first place?

I've always dreamt of one day, a group that can expand together, grow old together, with all the plus ones close to one another, a very healthy social support network, where one day when we walk into a restaurant or anywhere there would be a table of us boys, and then a table of the wives, and then a table of the kids. I guess I'm naïve. 

To be very honest, this few days been hanging out with his clique, and it was so different. The EQ level and Social Deduction are at adept levels. Makes outings easier, more fun, and purposeful. People know how to behave, how to be human, how to respond, how to reciprocate, how to read situations. Envious. On the other spectrum, there was so much factors of inferiority in mine that basically each of them are so different and stubborn and are lone rangers that really may not value the friendship I've tried so hard to forge. All of them comes with harmless intentions, but why is it just so hard to get them to understand one another, see things in one another perspective, and accommodate to each and every personality and limitations? Then I've concluded the fact that I am actually a boring person. I've placed all these extra problems on my own life. 

Then I look back. What is Life? Have I lived? Have I enjoyed my youth? Am I missing out in Life? Have I made a mark? Have I made a difference? Am I pressurizing? Am I being an extra? I no longer knows myself. 

Sigh........................... #Misanthrope