So this is CNY again.

For the past few days, was working day to night at NTUC.
Experienced a lot, thought a lot, and enjoyed the serenity a lot.

However, when it comes to CNY, im not sure how am I feeling.
I mean, it's the occasion of laughter and happiness,
where families get together to eat reunion dinner,
talk about everything under the sun,
noisy, lively, happening....

Yet what I see is dad working,
mum preparing and being extremely tired,
me cant help out much and have to disappear to places,
especially her 2 cakes which she took 5 hours to make.

Well, all these just for one family of relative to come?
Hmm..... then dad came back from work,
tired, but still trying to tidy up the little details in the house,
mum getting injured by the bikes....
me...... well, just there in presence.

From young my family had not much tradition already,
we eat our individual meals,
we do not have culture of steamboat,
we simply live like a normal typical day.

So yea during these working days,
I thought of my purpose and all again.
Then, my future, my dad wanting me to get a high pay job,
myself do not want to do meaningless work,
and then friends, i dont know,
over the years, its really come and go,
I dont think I have a strong bond with anyone in particular.

Looking back on the posts these 2 years,
I think im living in the past,
with the same emptiness over and over again,
couldnt get ppl to bond,
couldnt do things right,
sometimes, dont even have a sms pal.

Im just waiting for the day where I can come home
with hugs form my kids
kisses from my wife
meals of a table of 8
enjoying steamboat or some zichar.

At least, then, I wont have to worry about friends too much,
cuz I wouldnt be relying on them anymore,
and I wouldnt feel this way anymore......

Year after year our tradition gets lesser people,
from 2008, till this coming 9th,
how much have we shrunk.
This year, one of us would be missing.
Gatherings after gatherings, its rare to have 4 of us together already,
I guess nothing really matters to me more than being there for ppl I love,
But Im afraid to love, afraid to devote, afraid to commit,
maybe because, I expect too much on the people I love to love back the same way I do.  

So then Let It Be,
perhaps one day,
Bo Ya could find his Zhi Yin friend.
There was a topic of conversion about crying to sleep,
the person commented it's not possible,
In my opinion, it's rather common,
Perhaps, it might be habitual to some ppl.......

 http://life-in-loneliness.blogspot.sg/2013_01_01_archive.html
CNY last year, I wrote such a wonderful quote:

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. 

Still searching for a place to belong.