What a tiring day!

At midnight yesterday, just as I was about to sleep, J called me to say he is stuck at Airport cashless and thus have to cab to my house for me to pay. So then I started doing project and completed it by 3am.

This morning, invited the cell for a pizza party, supposedly for CH due to the bus stop, but then I think he eat little only. Supposedly also to celebrate holiday for n and O lvl ppl. Anyway the atmosphere was so awkward.

Was pissed in the beginning cuz they were complaining about helping me to get the pizza, like wow, now I see how big of a burden is that to u....... totally so different that the one who carry my bike from katong to my house, or to take ever bus record when I overslept. I mean..... I was totally disappointed.

To think that some complete stranger bothered to heed my advise and was more appreciative than closed ppl in my life. I guess ppl take friendship for granted too much already. Was just talking about friendship with another friend the day before, when I visit SCC again after so long, and played colour catching like the old days hahas. And even had ppl crying as we leave.

Then at MindCafe, atmosphere was so different. Like I used to be able to have fun mindcafe trips with different groups of people, but I guess the best times are still with Wushu friends.

Kindda make me think of Task-Specific social support, where people go to different friends for the "benefit" of different needs. Like you approach a gaming friend for game, a sports friend for outdoor, etc. But lately I guess I was trying to adopt the hierarchical-compensation model but seems to still be traps in the convoy model.

What makes a friend a friend sia, if just for the "benefit", then its so fake lorh, sigh.. vanities of vanities, all is vanities!!!

Sigh. Anyway, anyway today just gets me thinking, why the in the world did I bother to do all these again, like I have not been organizing anything much, life goes on, why the trouble, and not getting the kind of appreciation I think I should have.

Totally no mood to play in the middle of it, but then seeing how some of them bothered to try to save the atmosphere to buy snacks and introduce games, and at least laugh. Hate party pooper so much, the world dont give a damn how u feel until you deprive others og their rightful share of happiness they would otherwise have.

As I said lorh, donno nevermind, at least give the damn to try, to act, to force yourself to like it, cuz positive psychology concludes that forcing yourself to like something will one day make you actually like it for real. At least make an effort to try.

I mean, I dont know why always have this kind of ppl in a group as always, why cant I have a perfect group of like minded fun and adventurous group of ppl.

Sigh.

Then me on the other hand trying to be hero make what shit differences, whole loads of bullshit, my parents are right, why spend so much money on ppl when I cant even feed myself.

Guess the only good times I had was to teach a friend to play pool and to catch up with an old old friend.

Sigh...... so many things these days!! whats wrong with me???!?!?!?! why so troubled, so stuck, so lost....... What the hell i wanna do in life man....... what should I do, what should I pursue, what exactly do I want?! It's like all chasing after the wind, so futile! 

So tired....... shall slp early.. nitez!