Late night thoughts......... again

Well, today just watched a Movie about Frauds, Master.
crazy people,
earning money from people who
snowball their pending doom?
these kind of money can sleep at night?
then again undergrounds and black money are fastest money....
Great movie, but then again,
seriously, it's amazing how people can earn so much money really.
money makes the world go round.
It's true, was talking to a friend,
then on hindsight now,
feel so "poor".

I mean ofcoz when compared to many others I'm more than well to do,
but then again, looking at people around me, closed friends
they are never bothered by money,
though they may not live such a crazy life,
but they grow up typically,
they follow the society path,
isnt that bad after all.......

me,
my lifestyle cost above average,
my parents loves money,
and everything they talk about it money,
they are fixated with money,
not that they are not loving,
but ultimately,
money matters always ruin every family warmth there could be,
this is not present in others,
as they are not lack of money you see.........

i feel bad though,
my dad is always supportive of me, 'my mum are at times overly concerned that
it may become a hindrance instead,
too much naggings,
instead of encouraging you see,
so little understanding,
so many reprimanding or lecturing
like adding legs to a snake drawing,
i'm really not complaining about not born in silver spoon,
it's never their fault,
but you see,
same life different circumstances,
not like we are far worst then others,
but then a little more wealth would solve so many issues.

Then again,
often the rich are the stingy, crafty, cunning ones,
that counts to the last penny,
if i were to be at that stage,
would i be as wasted as spoilt as ignorant?
not saying anyone is that bad now but thats the general description of silver spoon?

ultimately,
to break from the "work=money" cycle,
is through passive income,
but then again,
totally no talent in these,
then i thought of people who did,
they are doing fine even at young age,
and im now searching high and low to forage some penny,
not to mention some already bought a condo at 22,
like wow........
admiring........

life's hard yo...........

Sigh, every since ORD, i dont know, things were rather great, tangibly, but not so intangibly.

Many times I felt Im really not a good son. I cant communicate to my mum at all.

You see, there's just so many things that she is different. Personality wise.

1) She always felt that what ever I am doing that do not earn money are useless things. She never see the value in socialising. She has been a housewife all her life, how can I expect her to understand? Then how else can I make her understand?

2) She is too petty to everyone. For example, she expects people to pay sky high 2.5k and above for starting job. She never see the need of probation period. She never understand the need of progressive or proportionate to performance. She expects the whole world paying for my every effort I did.

3) She always thinks the whole world is using me. Yes I know a lot of times Ive been cheated of money, or that I spend unnecessary on people, on cakes, on food, but that doesnt mean it has no value at all. I mean, at the end of the day, if a little expenditure takes away others stress on financial issues and thus we can have a good time enjoying a meal or activity, why not?

You see, most importantly, at the end of the day, all I need is a home where I can go back to, asking me hows everything, briefly know what I did and then care more on whether ive eaten, or how do I feel, instead of "oh why cant you do this? or why must you do this?" kindda conversation. I envy families that watch movies together, play games together, organises family outings, and never seems to have such tough conversations. Can't she talk about "oh, you did this, how did it go, anything funny happened?" instead of "oh how much you spend again, you know you poor dad earning very little.... etc etc...?"

I am blessed enough to be in this family, because they are really nice, to be constantly helping me to get stuffs when Im busy. I know their effort, I appreciate, but you dont have to put other people down to steal the limelight. You dont have to say things like "why arent you given money to buy the materials?" or "why they dont provide you transport to carry the props?". The problem is:

1) If every trivial problem I ask for money, I ask for "red carpet", what kind of man am I?

2) I am normally an understanding person, usually I'm not peculiar about money matters, not because I dont fret it, it's because I know if I can afford, why cast this burden on others?

Now that I am unemployed, it's really really a heavy stress on me. my time is so occupied with all the small stuffs that in a long run will get me somewhere (hopefully), and so for now I wont earn much, I cant provide them luxury rich wealthy life........ and I will depend on them for now, but even this basic "love" or "support" that I want to, is filled with so many tears and unhappiness. I mean, everytime taking our plight to scold me, how could I even bear to take such money.

Am I not good enough?

Am I not independent enough?

Everytime bring them out so much comments so much critics........
what did I do wrong?

Everytime say "I did not say that",
what am I suppose to argue back? confirm lose one.....

Am I not considerate enough?

I'm so tired........ of not getting the ideal kind of family dynamic i wish to have.
Or maybe it's just me, not seeing how lucky I am.....

sigh....... useless.....

........ nvm continue this next time....

Farewell text 

Hello guys!

It's been a great pleasure to be in SRF Platoon 3 meeting all of you here! 

It's wonderful that I met so many awesome people that made my NS journey so much more bearable and even fun! 

Thanks for all the joy and laughter we had! 

I started off SRF being like an alien, since I come back from PRV course, but eventually u guys are very much friendly and approachable. I learnt many things through you guys to help me blend into SRF. 

I'm grateful of being posted here as I guess the system here is much like the ideal system I would want. I believed that the new world leadership is whereby leaders say what they want to achieve and men work things out for them, and together they have good welfare, understanding one another, understanding as matured human beings with trust and responsibility.

*for all laojiao, commanders n troopers*

So here in SRF I thank each of you to cooperate, and slowly, hand in hand, to slowly achieve this vision I have. Not many conflicts and not too many politics here. Commanders have our welfare in mind and always fight for our rights and benefits. I thank you all for giving me the chance to realise this. (This applies only to plt3 commanders.)

You may have many opinions on me. I apologise if there were certain social interaction flaws I have, that I might have offended you in one way or another, be assured I bear no grudges and probably I don't even realise them. Some of u have sponge a lot of old man wisdom, some I just gave up, sry about that no time for everyone, I can only influence so much, up to u all to absorb.

Sorry that many times I do things way more than I'm expected to, because I feel that it's always the extra 1% that I can only grow, because 1.01^365 is 37.7 but 1% less effort means 0.03. There are days where I cut corners ofcoz, but as long as it's not too much of my effort I strive my very best, I hope for your futures out of SAF to be like this too! 

*for all laojiao troopers*

I especially thank those that really did the extra mile for our platoon, those who had to come back on 90ntm to cover, to postpone appointments because we are lacking of men, and even small things like helping to carry ilbv and helping out on Monday stores. 

During training, I am heartened to see you guys taking the initiatives on how to fight missions, to switch roles so that certain positions are not too taxing. The level of chemistry, pls keep it up! Esp section 2! 

These are things I find makes our platoon who we are. We look out for each other, help each other, and work together. *I see teamwork in Mission I see communications in decisions*, thank you all so much. 

*for all commanders*

As for the commanders, thanks for entrusting me with many responsibilities, to put up with my muddle-headed-ness, rebellious attitude, casual talkings and straightforward-ness. I sincerely think all of you are great people! You are *receptive to rebuttals, coherent in commands and sincere in service*. 

*for all laojiao mounting ppl*

Thanks for the many mountings I have, for how many $120 and tomahawks we ate, all the food outings, overseas and cohesions we have, all the jokes the accents and legendary moments we have, the changi airports the muffin maggie the sean chan the naruto the harlerm shake in toilet and all the many many others funny unforgettable stories. I come from those Tanglin days and shifting of bunks, those were the great days, n up till these days, we still have the "never to bojio boshare bobrother" commitment. These made up to what we are, our identity. 

*for all laojiao troopers*

I thank my fellow friends who surprises me at 12 midnight on my birthdays, and for supporting the KTV cohesion. I thank too for all the bday cakes I bought, along with the pranks and surprises planned. 

*for new troopers*

I believe life will be a better place, if people achieve understanding and harmony, by empowering people to in turn empower ourselves, by focusing on nurturing assets, by accepting differences, by taking ownership of own life, own well being, own trainings, own management. 

Well for the new troopers, the journey head won't be easy, there's a whole load of information n skills waiting for u to sponge, no matter how much u don't like whoever, you gotta adapt, you gotta take sometime to uncover the many stories behind every character, you gotta have patience, have understanding, you gotta compromise, you gotta find a common ground to work things out, because u fight as a section, each of unique roles, and u gotta perform well! With chemistry, if not at least SOP.

Approach senior troopers when in doubt, esp ppl like Julian or Feng Long, and when they ask u do things pls help, I don't like hearing people say "no don't want" it's damn rude and disrespectful, shows how shallow your character! Help each other in stores and other stuffs to help out platoon function better! Think before u act don't sabo ur platoon mates! 

Pls do your roles well. Gotta work smart, work hard, work together, cannot man mode cannot half fk. Because ure in here by chance, but how you benefit or contribute is by choice, you gotta take ownership of it!* 

Oh and I think u all should come out with a *SRF fund*, to buy things like air refresher for the bunks, and mounting utensils like pans and woks or other cooking equipments. Mounting ingredients is mounting section settle for every mount not in the fund. Pls help each other for example is pepper n salt finish don't be stingy, the upcoming mounting section help replenish. Things like oil eggs no need replenish cuz every mount confirm buy new. 

*for all senior troopers still in SRF*

As for senior troopers, u gotta step up to teach to guide to inspire to groom, because what u are dealing with are new from the scratch troopers. Don't forget we all been there done that, u can do a better job passing down the info. *You are to teach who are given to you, not who you like to teach, to work with the people of right now, not the people you used to have, it's an extremely tough job, but you're given this life, landing in this position, because you are strong enough to live it!* Jyjy!

*for Megat, Feng Long, Julian, Yong Wei*

You have to be drilled to sect comd lvl, think specs lvl, what to be done, what to achieve. 

Eg:

- Every night briefly say the next day plan is what, who do what who help what

- in Mission think what is sect comd responsibility can help for example in PRV conduct overturn drill, force prep, or ask for reinforcement, linking process, etc. Take over admin matters like IPPT results, offs, leaves, (with date used and date gained) etc 2IC collate and keep updating every week

- driver IC (Julian) to collate Drivers mileage, class 4 mileage, accumulated and monthly

*for all current SRF troopers*

*Don't be too calculative.* Try not to expect benefits everytime you make the extra effort, think more on the bigger picture, the section the platoon the company, if you can help, please help, even if it seems unfair. As you don't do things to impress, that doesn't mean people don't see your works. 

*Contribute generously*, in terms of help and participation. Your rewards maybe intangible, the respect, the friendship, the trust, and who knows when there comes the time when you needed help.... 

*Accept changes*, like the ying yang 8 trigrams, its curved divisor suggests movement, means that equilibrium or zero sum is only achieved with time in consideration, in 3 dimensional picture. Nothing stays bad or good all the time, but there are traces of bad in good and good in bad. I hope that you will embrace changes, to have the courage to change the things you can, and serenity to embrace the things you can't. 

Don't deem things to be useless or futile too fast, you may think some experiences are waste of time, *but life is precisely so, like a tree*. It's made out of branches of various shapes and sizes. Some are useful, with many leaves, some blooms, but some whither, some are barren. But these experiences made up the entire tree. 

*One mountain is always shorter than another*. There are always mountain lower that you out there. Don't feel too bad for yourselves, have pride! Whilst not forgetting there are taller mountains, then aim! So never think you are incapable, you are not! You are awesome! You are good hands! You are talents! Thinking individuals! 

There are some things I wished to improve still:

- *communications*, we all have whatsapp, communicate if the actions you do involves others, let commanders know too, for accountability purposes. 

- *gratitude* when u receive something, THANK! when someone help u do something, THANK! Pls show ur ICs and commanders some gratitude! When ur ICs and commanders gives instructions, follow! ROGER!!  No need all but at least someone!!! People write bday wishes well wishes respond!!!! Ppl ask question reply!!!!! If donno ask others who might know!!!! Ask until u get the answer to answer back!!!! Initiatives!!!!!!! 

- *clarification*, if unclear, ask, if donno, ask, if know, apply, if understand, help those tht don't. Eg: 

Person A say go point X

Person B say go point Y

clarify with person B saying person A say go point C, then tell person A that person B say go point Y, they will discuss and get back to u, *NO MATTER WHAT RANK*

- *cohesiveness* within our platoon, train hard together, so as to finish training fast and sweet, no need for unhappiness or lousy AARs after that, either way we do have a lot of admin times. Help other platoons too, unconditionally, after all we are all one SRF. 

- *laziness* it's in our nature, but if you don't do, eventually someone else must do, so pls do! Some things have a larger consequences if not done properly, don't cut corners! You can be lazy but not irresponsible, that's what in trying to say.

- *discern* the weaker ones, help them, cover them, do something to cover everyone's weakness, while doing so slowly try to improve them

- *character* , I believe in character upbringing. Simple things like always leaves a place better than, or at least as good as, the state when you came. Easy, stand by area. It's really not about army discipline, is about character, respect to the place, and to the people before that who maintained the place. These are auto, if u see dirty help clean if u see untidy help keep. If u are a guest at someone else place help maintain and area cleaning because character, they are NOT obliged to help. 

- *mounting* it's like chalet, don't keep lying on your bed doing your own stuffs, do things together! Even if it doesn't interest you still do! So there will be bond, so there will be more understanding of each other. Take some time to accommodate to everyone's interest! I really wish I could have made everyone learn cooking and stuffs I apologise for not doing so. Pick up guitar, pick up games, virtual, sports or board, watch movies, sing songs, altogether! 

- *accept* everyone's differences and give and take, sound off of unhappy, accept criticism, work out a common ground whilst not compromising Cohesion or Mission. 

Ok talked too much, oh well hope I make changes to all of you, till we meet again!! 

Oh yes among all these the plt rules! Pls do not forget to Mandi (bathe)

I envision a platoon where people are willing to help each other (commanders or men) whenever they can, everyone to remember to care for the *Mission AND Men*, a balance is achievable, the greatest test of leadership is to have 2 different sides but yet able to function in unity, the most important word among the 3 is "AND"

My last days in SRF quite mentally shagged I was not in the best state of mind and behaviour to be a role model so take the meat throw the bones (learn the good part throw the bad), apologise for that, may be quite bahlonglong at times, but please don't learn that, learn more to be humble and respectful to each other. 

Left the platoon in a mess cuz I failed, in terms of I should have done a better job grooming others than grooming me, because in SRF it's ultimately not about one person can do everything but one person can inspire everyone to do everything together, because *we are only as strong as our weakest link*. Pls do a better job on this than me! 

It is how you function without a leader that actually determines how good is the leader. 

Pls help ur commanders and PC! 

Probably won't see me in SRF anymore unless visiting (or so I hope) 

Ok, sayonara!! 

Oh ya pls take care of your health and safety! Can't afford to status cuz one persons welfare may one another's suffering. If selarang fall down i have fastem gel to anti swell, if swell use hot water rub if sprain then blood clot then use ice, if dry cough drink honey eat medicine at fridge if wet cough got the coconut brand cough syrup too, if diarrhoea eat norit x 3 and snectra x 3, 5 hours one time, 4 times, should be fine by then. Okay? 

Rights ciao.

It's been half a year again since my last blog.

This year had been rather good for me. At least rather happening. 

It all begins with a rather boring section compared to the rest, this was the old section. So then my choices are very clear for me, I either had to do something about it or just avoid it all the way. 

So then I decided to start brushing up on my cooking skills and all, and started to find ideas and things to do for mount, I and yes it worked for a while, as the commanders tried to get everyone involved in something and have some fun. 

But then soon, that batch of commanders are gone, close to the mid year, and then shortly, we found ourselves facing a total new set of commanders. When they first came in, they carried forward their snobbish attitude from their cadet lives and I hated it so much I told OC right in his face in front of all. 

However, things slowly turn out fine, training became much tougher but increased relevance. Scenarios were more challenging but realistic. Many grey areas were slowly tied down, people started helping out each other. Soon, there are understanding between ranks and welfare gets better. 

Then it comes to the exhibition. I'm really grateful for a stranger who gave a very positive feedback for me. With that I became somewhat a unit star. Star service award, perhaps the greatest Honour I received. Grateful for my unit for this opportunity, my commanded for the platform, and the troopers for their cooperations!

From a sleeping unit now my unit has made its presence known very quickly, from the utilisation of new vehicles to winning games at Sports League we are stealing to show in this camp. Very high profile indeed. Very happy to see progress and advancement! I'm really Glad I'm in this transition batch. But now as global threats increasing, I'm confident we will continue to do our nation proud. 

Yet it was also that period where a great commander reminded me, that leadership is not just about doing things well, but to influence your men to be equally good. That's when my focus started to shift. I started bossing people around in a way, I started delegating, even though I'm of the same rank. Thus I'm thankful too, for a bunch of commanders that trust me and troopers who steps further than needed, and these people are understanding. 

Then the next highlight was probably my birthday. My weekend turned from zero plans to packed exciting schedule. From parade, to bar, to club, to ambush under my block by my plt, to Wilson elaborated surprises to cafe hopping. 

I think for this season of influence, it's him. Every year or so there must be this one guy that I would suddenly be very close I with and then some where some part after that we just drift apart. And everytime that happens my heart tore, it's like a part of me just left behind, sink into a moment of history. 

He told me once that he had a Friend who told him to get him back if the Friend backslided, but unfortunately this guy drifted, now is happening to me, I really don't wish that the same thing repeats to him. 

Yet I think I'm dried, and also I felt that I am not contributing in it, compared to my NS life. Everytime I'm in cell it's very standard ans, empty books, silent room, I really find no learning taking place. My ideal was that everyone did their work, bomb their thoughts, discuss, get enlightened, then fellowship go step out to the society, to help, to be the change, but at least to me, not of such sort at all, seems to be Andre social gathering to me. I'm happy though, that one great fish I know grew so much, she is well equipped now on the god universe. 

Then my absence probably caused people to think I'm just wasting my life away partying all day, or so I inferred from their conversations, and I started to feel oh well, what's the point if proving otherwise, it's my own rs with God, all the worship I sang n prayers I poured, it's all about me, not them.

In comparison, I have a great bro in my movie kaki, know me so well, keeps supporting me, though our schedules often clash. In TLC, my presence brings joy, brings unity, in music and jamming sessions, theirs laughter and joy, but in church, all these are no longer present, and I would say it doesn't really matter if I'm in or not. 

Self centered I may be, in a way that if I feel I am not making a difference, I leave, but leaving takes a great deal of courage, cuz memories are tied, but all feast comes to an end. Thus I probably stay lukewarm for now, stay low, my season this year is NS. 

And so it comes back to the point I am almost out of this 2 years, I really have mixed feelings. As my song says, there are many many plenty people I want to care, there are many many plenty words I want to share, but so many scripts for me to write, only so much hours to make it right, I'm only one, trying to make the world a better place one action at a time. 

What my future holds I really don't know, what I'm sure is that after this year I'll need quite a long while to stabilise my life, my income, my family contribution. 

Seemingly happy go lucky N spendthrift but the fact is I have 8 mouths to feed soon, Ageing parents (means loss of income), pending debts to pay (loans and upgrades and surgeries), by the next 3 to 4 years or so I probably need $3k plus to survive, without Uni fee not any degrees. Not an easy life soon but I'm still young and able, I hope to stabilise these before it snowball larger. 

Oh well, the boat shall be straight at the docks! C'est la vie!

累了不要见外
把我挖起来吐个痛快
看不惯朋友有难
谁还冷冷的围观　
我的手心为你握起来

烦了不要见外　
把我找出来陪你负担
续杯咖啡的温暖　
一直暖到你想开　
你心情的坑洞让我来填满

昨天会被今天明天来取代　
动心的感情不会淘汰关心常在

就算你我在热闹喧哗中走散　
友情会第一时间赶来
让跳乱的心平躺下来　
重新的呼吸简单　深深的满满的

朋友只要你被孤单压的叫不出来　
我第一时间送出关怀
热热的眼神陪你看开　
找回那片大自然　
围着你抱紧你相信你我确定


Times and again I do have great friends that went extra miles for me, especially those who literally did the miles to meet me from one end to the other end of Sg. But often friends get into rs and then all the great tunes will slowly fade away. 

Was chatting with a friend and I'm surprised how understanding is he regarding his few friends dissapeared without a trace after being attached. He commented, men knows how fragile are rs, that's why they chose to enjoy the times before it ends, and they have trust in friendships, that's longlasting. 

Sounding like a jealous bitch, I see so many of this happening I just can't accept this logic. I mean your spouse is with u almost 24/7, but between catching up with ur bros once in a blue moon and her u chose the later? Seriously?! 

Either that or it will come as a package. That I still accept, but then during the meeting they looked like in their own world treat the ppl surrounding as invisible, urghhhh, disgusted. 

Well I chose to mount on feb 14 anyways, get away from the rosey season full of elaborate acts of sweetness

Year in review 

 2015 is finally ending, it has been a very happening year. 

Started off the whole year with POP, one of the rites of passage of every sgrean son. BMT life was a blast thanks to great section and commanders, commanders that I look up to with respect, commanders that are practical, ppl who doesn't believe pumping can make u think better, someone who raises expectation with mutual consent and reasonable punishments. Miss field camp, miss maggie under the stars with the section, miss "one RAI I find 50 push ups", miss encik sunset talk, and most of all, miss "For the mission and men, EAGLE BOLEH!". 

Then comes a very surprisingly tough training at ST, with commanders with extreme regimentation but are actually fun loving and warm at heart. Great times spent together and great lessons learnt about security and Urban Warfare.

Then ofcoz, my worst experience in NS with the driving course where they broke my every confidence to drive, made me so reluctant to go to camp each day, dreaded when they called up my name to drive, cuz they shout at ur face nasty discouraging words and give u mean and belittling eyes. 

But in midst of that I had great time too knowing ppl like L, eating sushi and even offered his house, and met an awesome chef G! Others include J, S, W. Oh yes and last but not least encik! Having him around was so fun, all the happy hours, JB trip, and his earnest advices. 

Within the course I had my 21st, so glad many turned up from different phrases of my life. 

I am a busy man, full of activities, and I really appreciate all those who never fails to ask me out despite the likelihood of me being busy. Sometimes is not about priority, is about who came first, I always believed the most important person that I need to make a difference to is the first who approached me there ad then. Ofcoz I would make time to catch up with the rest, give me time, I promise I will push u up my schedule! Nevertheless I know I may not be the great 24/7 talking to u kind of friend and I don't do a lot of typical teen stuffs like clubbing gaming or anime but I thank you all for giving me time to hang out with you! Even for a meal! I would very much like to be with each and every one of you in every milestones and happenings, trust me my heart grows envier with every minute you guys are having fun, but also I'm also happy u are. As for those that takes a longer time to socialise, I'm really sorry I couldn't spend more time with you! 

Then is SRF, I'm glad I met so many nice people here too! Offering good here and there, helping me cover here and there, and teach me the ropes of being here. Thanks K for welcoming me himself, coming to my bunk to fetch me to my platoon, offered to carry my stuffs and started introducing everyone. A fun guy! Though I felt he is wasting time and emotions on things that don't matter to him anymore but I still wish him all the best for an optimistic outcome! I wrote a song inspired by him! The window! I also met a great buddy K at PRV course, with similar music taste, foodie, and adventurous! Look forward for more adventures! 

TLC was now a warm place for me, I think I found happiness in it, more than any other groups. Though in terms of personal relationships it's hard to get by the massive 5000 members, but what I have done there were worthwhile. I get my share of limelight doing what I like, I also get to contribute and felt the sense of competency among the larger picture. Maybe to most, the extent I did for them might be too great or not worth the risk, but I say I'm not sure what future I have myself, for what good is it to think about an optimistic future compared to what good I can do right now. The most important thing to do, is to make a difference to the person in front of me "now", at this moment. Maybe selfish or hedonist but I don't really care. 

Besides mega events, overseas activities are filled with so much fun and so carefully planned from accommodation to porters and schedules, not forgetting leisure and socialisation. Very successful group.

As of my personality, sure changed, I'm definitely more blatant and straightforward, and selfish in a sense i no longer sweet coat my decisions or words. Example the famous Friday 12 noon incident, I rather not to disappoint 300 pax, plus the hardwork of all the committee and friends for the event, than to risk ruining my future. What good can my future do if I ruined the hopes and sweats of 300 pax? May be unethical, may be disobeying the law, but I have no regrets because the immediate benefit to a greater body of people is much greater than the risk of my own. What is the point of thinking what more things I could do in the future if my risk failed? How sure that my future is brighter than what I am now? And also again, even if my decisions are wrong, so be it, no consequences is too great too new for the world to handle, if I don't go to hell who goes? Hahas. Is like some paths are less chosen, but necessary for a greater good, why not? 

I'm no longer sensitive to mood changes and all as I grow up, cuz I started to feel there isn't a need to, maybe got lazy of helping, got lazy to initiate the help, unless certain events needs me too like for beneficiaries such as children I'm just being dutiful. Not a very psychological thinking person anymore. 

Then, yes I'm still spendthrift, sometimes a bit too generous, I felt bad too having to take money from parents at some months, but again, I think I myself am considered blessed, well enough for a good living, then why not bless ppl more, have fun more, because memories are priceless, and are harder to forge as you grow up. 

This year was not a year in active in BBTC, I had my such year in the past, partly because at the end of the day, though not morally right, I found happiness in other areas more than in here. People recognise me elsewhere, people utilise me elsewhere, I learn more things elsewhere, and ppl actually care about me elsewhere, asking specific questions, how's camp, heard ure upset, is driving hard, etc. I mean at my worst times, I'm not introvert, my feelings are obvious everywhere, especially so with social media now, and ppl who approach me were elsewhere, like S, never fails to try to reignite my optimism. Thank him for the every Thursday movie kaki!!! I'll make time to keep the culture going as much as possible! So yea this year I took a break. At least at the end, I think I still made an effort for them la, not cheap to go to the retreat, but I guess I owe it to them for not giving up on me still.

Then throughout the year there are special people I want to have special paragraphs for:

W

I have known little about this great pal until this year. As fun loving and up to anything as he, I've always felt regret not being a better pal. Never I have a friend who would travel from bedok to kranji for a short 1h meet. Never a friend who travelled to JB for a movie. Yet I failed to notice his slight discomfort when discussing about things that once made him depressed, I couldn't believe I was oblivious to that. I think the first memory I had was when both of us was splashed by the dirty crocodile water! Did not interact much and didn't bother to, still regretting. Nevertheless let bygones be bygones I hope to be a better pal in the future. Wish u all the best for your 2016, awaiting your good news!

K

A great friend since years ago. He grew to a fine gentleman. Maybe a little snobbish but no doubt has a very sensitive observations on surrounding, great attention to detail and very intelligent. Tend to be the unheard voice in most of his social circle but his intentions are great. May be not too much of a leader but definitely a powerful advisor. Helped me rent a costume at toa payoh from woodlands, and sent to my house at Eunos. And many times helped doing my errands too. 

D

Being someone I look up to he seems so successful having successful kids and loving third aged relationship with his wife. Very supportive and fun loving too yet actually burdened with a half vegetable child. Have to bear having the guilt of sending her for the failed operation and continued footing the expensive physiotherapy and life support fees. Though inflexible at times but all out of good intentions and do give some space for new ventures. 

N

Not exactly someone that made a difference on me, but I appreciate you constant effort to jio me out. Sorry I couldn't always accept your request due to the many events in my busy schedule, either that or too impromptu and ppl jio me first. Anyways I felt that you are too mindful about what others think, you indulge yourself too much in self pity and inferiority thinking, and your cowardly cause you not to speak up and socialize to new people. It is okay if you found introvert things to do but obviously u are not, u need company, you need vibrancy, so I hope in the new year u will be more appreciative of the limited social circle u hv, try to interact with the people u already know in a more deeper Lvl, don't be too desperate for girls when u don't even hv much guy friends, and do not go against ur mum for restricting your freedom because it's all in the mind. 

Z

My great drinking buddy! Damn brotherly! The way he acts with his friends proves he is a buddy for life definitely! Happy to see he is firm in his principles and found a matching girl for him too! Great drinker and entertainer! He introduced me to Tai Seng private bar and it instantaneously become by favourite chill out place! 

S

For being in many of my milestones, getting me out for cafe hopping and a great friend to last minute hang out with! Never fails to accommodate my flaws such as being late, cashless, or rubbing of stomach after eating! Thank her for all these! Felt that I can be a better friend of at least improve our relationship but then again inferiority kicks in I always think there are people better than me, and people deserve better people than me, cuz I really can't provide, can't protect, can't care. 

If I could steal one final glance
One final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to
Dance with my father again

The lyrics speaks into the deepest emotion of us! The writer uses the word "steal" as if to suggest the helpless yearn of the speaker to see the father again. He uses "glance" because all she ever wanted is a real expression from the father, and this timeless emotion is something no photograph could retain, that feeling, that emotion, that flesh, all she needs is that glance. And the whole imagery of dancing, and steps, is all about the dynamics in the dance, of understanding each other, such as to step in the right time and in the right direction, together, harmoniously, complementarily.  

So much things happening all at once in this December. It's weird how life plays out this way. The good times don't last, and the worst things comes swarming just because the end. 

My life was good until recently lots of system changes that slowly steal away all the good things in my life. 

But then, at this adversity, I truly truly grateful and thankful for friends that helped me out cuz I'm handicapped within the camp. 

One of my friend went from woodlands, to toa payoh, to choose and rent my TLC Christmas party aladdin costume for me, and deliver to my house at Eunos. Another one helped me do up the presentation slides needed for my emceeing at the event. The event hosts too were so forgiving about my absence and I'm sure they are undergoing a great deal of stress doing so. Ofcoz. My family too for all the backstage help and to bring all my props on the event date. I will put up a good show! 

However, bad things are happening too. Just on December alone, 4 of my friends posts their loved ones, and 1 of them is my close friend. Her dad was ice skating when he fell and felt dizzy, little did she knew. The point is, life is so unpredictable, so sudden, one moment you may be having fun and all, and then you'll never guessed that it might be the last fun times with the person. Sigh. Treat every moment, every meet, every activity, with much glee, cuz at least, when shit comes, you know you could let it be. But the saddest of all, is to think that a joyous season of thanksgiving, of family bonding, of a hopeful foresight to a better year ahead, of concluding all loose ends of the current year, yet these friends have to go through this season with a missing piece. Sigh. 

Mid Autumn again~!

Well this year there wasnt any Eagle Catch Chick games, no sparkles, no lantern, nothing much. But this year it was a cosy simple gathering with friends, enjoying 10 mooncakes of 10 flavours, appreciating traditional tea. Quite an experience though. Today is full of failed plannings, like decided to go for a sec sch reunion thus missed out on wushu lunch, and ended up ppl were late, and then the gathering was small, and then told the group about the celebration at night, turns out many had family commitments, half of the group left, then roamed the streets in the haze, yet all the programs and activities had finished, missed the fireworks, the performances, etc, and even food stalls were closed.

Oh well, whatever, I enjoyed just drinking tea in the Tea Chapter Building, chilling out and enjoying tea. Initially wanted to have a mid autumn feast with trainees in Tai Seng roof garden bar, just at the side, but the venue is a factory and a pub beside, may lead to bad impression, and hazy weather not ideal for outdoor activity, and I was too late to inform.

Well, overall, I do enjoy the week though, cuz I caught up with quite a handful of people, from BMT POP, to SPECS HQ, to Sec Sch Mates, to Long Lost Friend...... not bad. And had good time KTV too! with the TLC bunch, never failed to have a good time dancing, shouting, be crazy with them, like small kids, and yea, Im glad they enjoyed too! This is the best KTV clique I ever had! Every month there would be a KTV, and everytime, we had wonderful time! Thank them so much for giving me the opportunity to entertain and be joyful with them! Also, thank a friend for introducing me to Tai Seng, a cosy pub of public KTV where you can pass the mic around and sing with random strangers, playing dices and guess fists, pool or darts, and enjoy cheap beer and good ample food!

Well, tmr back to reality. Wrote a statement for lying down (unlucky right?! ppl do that not caught, I did that half a day caught), que sera sera, whatever will be will be......... always before the end of a chapter, shit happens, whatever..........

Movie Review: Inside Out

NOTE!!!!!!!! SPOILERS ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!
READ ON YOUR OWN RISK!!!!!!!!
EXIT IF NOT COMFORTABLE!!!!!!!!

Went to watch Inside Out because I couldnt last Thursday.

Anyway, it was such a heavily researched and scripted animation movie! Perfect star I would say! for its story development and script writing. None of their dialogues are fillers, none of them are nonsensical, they all served as a purpose for the furtherance of the story. 

I think how the movie took "Emotions - Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, Fear" as the central factor of our cognitive function. Our perception, attention to details, our crafted memories, response and our judgement are closely related to the emotions we feel at that point in time. We remember certain events through the lens of our current emotions. When we’re sad, the memory of a family road trip might just remind us of a stuffy car. When we’re happy, we remember the adventures.

The movie took off well, showing how our brain gets more complicated as more emotions come into the story, and how the control grew more functions as we age. Then, it's how we respond to situations based on which dominant emotions we feel, and/or how we generate ideas about it, based on past memories.

Then, the movie introduced us to the system in mind. Memories are forged into balls, and could be retrieved in random times, like the Kiddy Ad Song, and then there are core memories which made personalities. Then, when Riley goes to sleep, everything stopped working, the train of thoughts stopped, the emotions gets to sleep, and interestingly, one emotion would be up for duty. Thats true cuz we tend to go to sleep with certain emotion, depending on the overall satisfaction of the day.

Then there's dream, how certain dream make us jump back to reality at night, and subconscious realm, and ofcoz, the forgotten realm where Ding Dong, the imaginary childhood friend, eventually disappears, seemingly jump off due to its weight, but rather a depiction of how that childhood construct actually helps to push joy into higher grounds.

Then, apart from the psychology works in Riley's head, each emotions have their own attitude too! Joy were always at odds with sadness due to their different philosophy of life. But towards the end, she start to realize that we cant feel joyful without sadness. Every joyful memories of Riley started of her being sad, and then situation changed and she felt better.

It's okay to be sad, and when we're sad, sometimes all we need is the sympathy, or mirror neurons, whatever, to be sad with us too, and we will feel better. So she started to embrace sadness, and crafted more colourful personalities and memories. (at first, the memory balls are single coloured, but now multi, due to the many sides of emotions in one memory).

Joy is also a perfectionist, liked to take control of everything, which of course she does it well, happiness, everyone wants it right? And happiness at times can be rather selfish. And then, Sadness liked to meddle with stuffs, sometimes we feel sad for no apparent reason, we sometimes have random pessimist thoughts, or out attention to details could be directed at the sad part of the situation or memory. We can't really contain sadness, we have to embrace her, we have to make her work for us.

Then, there's the comical scenes of other people's emotion, how the mum and dad interact, how the cat, and random strangers in the street feels. In one scene, which sums up the upheaval of young love in a nutshell, she smiles at a boy whose mind almost short circuits in attraction and terror at the sight of her. I felt all these were depicted so well in the movie! It's really a thinking movie indeed! Not just a mere cartoon!

An update of my life after so long.

Well, after BMT, im posted out to Clementi as SRF. Days there were good. Ofcoz, the first 1 month was tough, as I have to adjust myself and my mentality for the extreme regimentation there. Other than that, bonding with bunk mates and all was good. We had loads of fun, and had lots of night snacks times, bringing in bread, jams, milo, biscuits, crackers and more. Training wise, tough, but pace was manageable, thats why I slimmed down to 69kg.

Then thats when life start to turn another way around.

My driving course wasnt really fun, cuz I had no fixed instructors, most instructors were just trying to pass time. So I count my life by the day. Getting into the vehicle with the instructors judging you and scolding you all the time, life was bad. Towards the end, just last last week, I took 3 tries to get the license. That was probably the worst week of my life. Failing the test on first try is understandable, as it was the first time I drove to the test area before that. But one the first test, I didnt even hit the road, I failed due to not closing the door properly. Sigh. Subsequent tests, just simply I sucked. I hit rock bottom. At the end of the week, I was devastated. I resign to conclude Im a failure driver, and thats not the only screw up, my wushu competition didnt perform well too, was having rather high hopes. What to do. Then, it was my turn on worship, and I screwed up the song too. Haizzz......

Im not the only one though, so I accompanied my friend too, and started a pack a day, and drank a couple of bottle a day, and well, I think booze works! I passed on Monday. Yet it was not a great honour too. While I clock my mileage, Im still repeatedly shouted at, "how you even pass the test", "want me to ooc you", "you're not fit to be a driver". Really, maybe when the whole world thinks you suck, you really suck. Maybe I really sucked. Whatever. I concluded. Who cares, suck at something, change la! big deal! So my temper grew worst, I think it affected my relationship with my family too, my temper was bad.

I pass my days getting events, meeting up with TLC, to have good time singing and entertaining them. That makes me happy. And yea, of all the ktv sessions, being with this clique is the best!

So series of events, I think at the end of the day, it's really me against the world. I do not have the privilege to have  close knitted clique, going to everything together, talk hearts out and pass days together, but it's okay, I can hop around do whatever I like with like minded people, accompanying the days. I think people are just people, vessels, empty vessels. They come because fate wants to, and finish his/her business, and ob la de ob la da life goes on~ thats it.

Today was a rare time to see entire cell going for steamboat, so I thought to drop by for awhile, catch up abit, take some photos, but the response wasnt really my expectation. Rather aloof. So ok, so what I want, take some photos, thats all. I mean like, its not like they actually come to me on my troubled week, or anything liek that, talk about life, console, catch up... nope, not like i turn up for fellowship often too...... and yea most ppl adopt a been-through-done-that attitude when talking about problems anyway, same as other groups of friends, pointless talking about problems, well, life goes on....... so i left for friend bday. reached there, cake was cut too. too late, so thought of catching up after that, went to ktv, gosh it was dead silent~ sigh whats wrong with people. Urghhh whatever, life goes on. I think the only great thing was to catch a pri sch friend just on time, for a short while, thats quite worth it, glad he's doing alright, blessed young man.

So..... whatever, life goes on, life is a personal journey, good to bitch about it to random ppl once in a while, but dont expect anything, it's still a me against the world in the end....... just me, myself, and probably a couple of bottles and a few packs........