It's been almost a year of inactivity in this space, and I was reminded of this today. Anyways, let's have a recap of my travels of 2023, with great help of ChatGPT to help phrase it better : 

Jan : Ho Chi Minh City | Feb : Morocco and Istanbul | Mar : Seoul South Korea | Apr : Rainbow Waterfall at Kuanta and KL for Nobu High Tea | May : Jakarta Redemption Trip | Sep : Penang, Ipoh and Kuching in 3 separate trips of 3 days each | Oct : Surabaya for Bromo and Ijen | Nov : Joined Contiki for Northen Thailand from Bangkok to Kanchanaburi to Pai to Chiang Mai | Dec : Cameron Highland Trip for my Mum

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January 2023 : Ho Chi Minh City 

I embarked on a whirlwind three-day adventure to Ho Chi Minh City, a journey that embodied the essence of "Eat, Drink, Man, Woman." Our escapade began with an exhilarating food tour on scooters, guided by the graceful Ao Dai Riders. We indulged in the city's culinary delights, savoring everything from the rich aromas of Vietnamese coffee to the robust flavors of local beers, and even the legendary 'Man of War' at the Cu Chi Tunnels.

The final day was particularly extraordinary, thanks to Richie, a Vietnamese working in Singapore. His insights offered us a deeper understanding of the city's social stratification and the concentric circles that define its layout. My observations, unclouded by prior research, revealed a city fascinating in its approach to urbanization. Ho Chi Minh City is a mosaic of districts, each with its unique identity and purpose. District 1, the bustling financial heart, draws people like moths to a flame, while the surrounding districts each play their role in the city's diverse industrial tapestry. District 2 stood out, initially less sought-after, but now buzzing with entrepreneurial spirit, spurring rapid development in both housing and office spaces.

Our brief sojourn was packed with memorable moments. One comical highlight was my friend CL's series of misadventures with Grabbike, being dropped off at the wrong locations not once, but thrice in a row! Another unforgettable incident was our post-food tour quest for some "Balloons," only to be amusingly presented with "Balut," the exotic egg delicacy.

As Mark Twain once said, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.” This trip not only gave me a taste of Ho Chi Minh City's vibrant culture and lifestyle but also enriched my perspective, leaving an indelible mark on my heart and memories. Interestingly, I chose this city to be my topic of discussion in my SUSS studies of Urban Sociology. 

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March 2023 : Seoul 

I embarked on an eight-day journey to Seoul, a city rich in history and modern vibrancy. This trip was unique for me as I played the role of a follower, entrusting the itinerary planning to my friends. It was a welcome respite from the hustle of work and life, a chance to immerse myself in a different rhythm.

Our days typically started at noon, with the highlight being eating at Seoul's famous food places, followed by evenings dedicated to shopping the various bustling districts. Yet the flexibility of our group allowed for personal adventures, one of which was a solo bicycle tour I embarked on. This experience doubled as market research, observing the tour's operations. I observed how the bike fittings are included within the tour time so there was no need to be there earlier other than to find the building, which was difficult as it wasnt really on google maps. They also had a preliminary obstacle course, which unfortunately led to a couple of participants being turned away out of the 5 of us. The bike tour was a revelation, offering insights into Seoul's diverse neighborhoods—from the bustling city center to the serene highlands and beyond. We delved into the city's social strata, its post-war sentiments, and the differing stances of its people. Our guide, overcame the language barrier by illustrating his commentaries in every way possible, from search engines, translation tools, or even sand and sticks on the ground, and ended the tour with a multilingual map, provided a thoughtful summary of our journey.

I also indulged in Michelin-rated cuisine with fellow new found travelers and embarked on a night tour titled "The Dark Side of Seoul." This tour unraveled harrowing tales from Seoul's past, such as King Taejong's desecration of Queen Sindeok's tomb in 1410, Heungseon Daewongun's xenophobic reign in the 1860s, and the tragic fate of Prince Sado, who met his end in a rice box due to his heinous crimes.

Seoul's heritage struck me as dynamic, a city where each ruler seemed intent on rewriting history and erasing cultural traces of their predecessors. This notion was further cemented during my visit to the museum at Lotte World as the group went for their rides, where I learned about the Three Kingdoms of Korea—Goguryeo, Baekje, and Silla—and how architectural styles evolved with each ruling kingdom.

Today, Seoul's culture is largely shaped by the Hallyu wave, where entertainment influences work, lifestyle, aspirations, and global trajectory. This phenomenon reflects the broader impact of South Korea's chaebols, the conglomerates that propelled the country from poverty to a significant global player. In this city, every globally successful group not only brings fame but also sustains entire communities.

My journey through Seoul was a profound exploration of the city's layered history and its vibrant present, just like I noticed people that stepped into different areas of the city somehow has a distinctly different fashion style and mannerism too. These suggests narratives of city culture, city transformation and country's resilience that continues to shape its path into the future. As Gustave Flaubert said, "Travel makes one modest. You see what a tiny place you occupy in the world." This sentiment resonated deeply with me as I navigated through Seoul's rich tapestry of history and modernity.

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September 2023 : I set out on a remarkable journey through Malaysia, spanning three separate three-day trips that took me to Penang, Ipoh, and Kuching.

Penang: My visit to Penang, a place I've come to know well on my fifth visit, was driven by a stand-up comedy show by Fakkah Fuzz. The island, once a British Colony like Singapore, is famed for its colonial architecture, especially in George Town, a UNESCO World Heritage Site. I was struck by how many familiar food stalls had now achieved Michelin ratings, a testament to the city's evolving culinary scene. Along with that, it would also imply that the soaring cost of living post-COVID was palpable. The Blue Mansion's restoration is a cornerstone of Penang's heritage preservation, attracting tourists keen on exploring the legacy of the Straits Chinese. Went for more Hidden Bars and Revisit some Street Art while randomly entered Arts spaces and Open-Mic sessions.

Ipoh: On my fourth visit to Ipoh, a less touristy and more laid-back city, I find its residents exuded a warmth and friendliness that was refreshing. My guide drove from Singapore, thus I got to witness the courteous local driving culture, helpful locals, forgiving traffic control, contributing to a smoother traffic flow. In Ipoh, life rhythmically beats to a slower drum, with a strong focus on family and community. The city offerings largely catered to a families. The city's museums, meticulously curated and more comprehensive than those I've seen in Singapore, offered fascinating insights into cultural practices like the intricate layers of brothel exchange baskets and the elaborate rituals of traditional Peranakan weddings. The city's rich history, intertwined with the tin mining industry, has shaped its unique cultural and economic landscape. Went back to Tambun Hot Spring park, but this time at night. Was an interesting experience to be in our swimsuits wandering around their zoos and street food stalls in the Hot Spring Park itself.

Kuching: The most enlightening part of my September travels was an unplanned trip to Kuching, sparked by an accidental ticket purchase for the Kita Food Festival. Kuching's governance, distinct from West Malaysia, and its historical ties to the Kingdom of Sarawak under the White Rajahs, lend it a unique character. Contrary to popular belief, the city's name is linked to an "Old Well" rather than "Cats". Here, the reverence for nature and indigenous traditions is evident in everyday life. The city's rich tapestry of cultures, including Iban, Bidayuh, and Orang Ulu, alongside Chinese, Malay, and Indian communities, creates a vibrant cultural mosaic. Its educational system, which emphasizes dialect preservation and English proficiency, has propelled rapid progression. The Borneo Cultural Museum, with its advanced technology and interactive exhibits, was a highlight, offering an immersive experience into the region's rich heritage. Went on a bicycle tour through various villages 1 to 6, and a concluding boat ride provided a unique perspective on the city's sociological fabric, from accessibility to resources and motivations behind the urban planning. To maximize the trip, after submitting my SUSS essay, I booked a last-minute Walking Tour. While the walking tour covered familiar ground regarding community and worship spaces, it was the food recommendations that truly stood out.

This journey across Malaysia not only deepened my appreciation for the country's diverse cultures and histories but also ignited a curiosity to explore more of East Malaysia. “The beauty of travel lies in the variety of its colors, each city painting a different picture on the same canvas of our hearts” and through these travels, I've discovered the intricate layers of Malaysia's societal tapestry across different cities.

 What do I want to be remembered for at the end of my life?

1) A Dependable Friend 

As I have always shaped my identity and self based on the people around me. I do things based on the needs and happiness of people around me. Though Absolute Altruism is not possible, I only hoped that through everything, I only request to be recognized as a Dependable person at least at some points in your life. Thus I would be hurt, easily, when people are disappointed in me, are angry in me, or find me annoying. This might stem from the need of approval, but then again, whats "me" without the definition of "me", in my case, I want it from the people around me. Thus, I have to constantly remind myself of distance. Cuz at times, I also assumed the needs of others, without giving them a space to seek the help they need, or the space to grow, which may cause dependency, may deprive people of choice, so that is why I am slowly refraining from doing. Starting to have a bit more self love. 

2) A Vigor Fighter 

I'm a workaholic. I chose this path never to greatness. I chose a path to live for the city. It's selfish, it's not fair for Asian Parents especially. It's not a glamorous trophy. But if I don't take it who will? For to me, there is the beauty of how things fall in place, the efforts of every forefather bringing a piece of them to this land, making sense of this place, and creating an assimilated identity and invented sense of belonging no longer through just language but shared spaces and experience, and the need to manage dynamics with the surrounding so much beyond what most people see on the surface, much more thoughts and stories behind every landmark every person every practice every culture. This is such a great nation where people of all walks of life exist. Thus, I would like to raise the status of Tourist Guides. I hope that in my small ways here and there, I could make a difference in this Industry, to make it a possible Career Path, a more respected job, an Intellectually Demanding Job, as a Storyteller, a Performer, a Problem Solver, a Navigator, an Encyclopedia, a Thoughts Facilitator, an Enabler, an Advocate and all in all, an Entertainer. 

3) A Transparent Book 

I would not want people to piece the jigsaw of me in various groups of people. I am Who I am, to everyone and anyone. I want to be an open book. I want no incongruency or inconsistency in my personal reccounts, I want no dispute to who I am as a person. It's difficult of course, but I shall not act or take on a persona. I especially do not like to be untruthful to myself. I say what I believe in, I do what I like to do. If I ever hurt you in any ways, I am sorry, and thank you for the grace extended to me, I will be better. For I am not complete yet, my core beliefs do change, and it shall mould, it shall grow, so continue being patience with me, and I will adopt what I am comfortable with, and change what is detrimental to me. 

4) I am Happy, Ultimately 

I choose to believe Happiness is not the end goal, is not the default. Evolution has made mankind be on guard of lurking dangers. Our Fight and Flight instinct, our Survivor instinct, our Hedonistic nature. There's nothing really meaningful in this world unless I put a value on it. Every memory, every experience, every lesson, every object, every person, is then meaningful to me, on my journey of life. And I am rather glad that in my short journey thus far, I've made you smile, and that has made me smile too, that completes my life, that fulfilled by purpose. For without this, life becomes meaningless. I don't have much that I really want, that I must really have, that I must attain, so I'm giving vicariously in all of your lives. Just know that with this, I shall smile on my deathbed. Thank you all. 

5) I've Loved Hard, and Nothing Else Matters Then

I hope that at the end of life, people do recognize that I've tried loving this cold harsh world. I've tried in many ways to alleviate the situation for everyone and everything around me. And I hope that's enough. Anything further, I shall not be the one accompanying. I've lived to prioritize the Power of Now, where the most important thing to do is to be with the very person with me right "Now", always. For that, I may be late, I may change plans, I may readjust, I may double book my schedule, but I tried not to bail. But if I do, thanks for understanding. 

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Lastly, a Namewee tribute to the renowned Beyond, with lyrics that strike the nail directly :

黃明志 Namewee - 我們的海闊天空 Our Boundless and Vast Sky 

原諒我總不停受傷, 跌倒, 無處可逃 

Forgive me for constantly being hurt, for failing times and again, and cornered or trapped yet again.  

用盡力氣掙脫, 我卻只能咆哮 

I've accepted whatever destiny has for me, for I have given my all to unshackle what I can.

前路茫茫, 遙望夜黑風高, 抵不過這浪潮 

The boundless journey ahead is paved with highs and lows, inevitable. 

伸出手我依然去擁抱

But I would still choose to embrace, and belive tthat I am able. 

 Jakarta. 01 Dec - 06 Dec. 

(Procrastination, Learnt to say no, pop kid, trendsetter, non mainstream, real, possessive, sensitive to death, social awareness)

The trip was organized by a good friend who I have reconnected recently, KH. So he invited me to a Music Festival of 15 artists or who which I only know 1, Jackson Wang, for his mandopop covers, and heard 2 others before but never played any songs, Yoasobi and Nikki. As I write this, my playlist has expanded so much more to Joji, and Rich Brian. They are part of this management company call 88rising. Their rap or hip hop kind of genre is so meaningful in their lyrics. This was my first Music Festival Experience, so much fun! 

Other than that, the trip consist of Fine Dining at Namaaz, a playful contemporary dining experience, where I was so impressed who they kept the Indonesian Food Flavors but present it playfully through tossing game, raincoats and showers, and as a Candle with edible wick, wax and wrap. Sambal Telor reimagined, Pulut Hitam reimagined. Soto reimagined. and more, 15 courses. 

The rest of the trip was a revisit to my childhood places. I connected with my cousin whom came with me to Singapore, and her husband and 3 months kid. So interesting. Ive learn about the development of PIK and plans for 11. I revisited places I used to go such as Anggrek and the Hoka Hoka Bento, and Ancol Dufan with 4 more theme parks and a Telaga Samporeieun there too! (same as Bali but localized to state cuisine). This trip is particularly personal as I visit my Grandma at Old Town, walked Kun around my hood in the past, and explaining how much have developed, and my entire life story from the Racial Riots that got me out of Jakarta, the eventual settling down in Singapore, the family dynamics on both sides of the family, introduced him to my 90 years old Grandmother still without walking sticks nor wheelchair, whom could walk up the steep stairs and water plants. 

He shared a fairly huge amount of his life too, from his younger pop kid days, to poly uni, to his hospitalized moment, to his realization of what he wants in life. I am so impressed on his travel experiences and road trips. He introduced me to his surf skate friends whom happened to also love the 80s retro! Air Supply! And we were invited for the after party by his Secondary Sch friends, who all welcomed us in open arms, and join in for a night of fun too. Very honored to be considered a close friend even though we just reconnected. He did mention my trust level to be a double-edged sword. I mentioned that I would like my life to be as open book as possible from 2020 onwards, so that in the future, I have friends who could remember and recount my life. He asked me what I would want to be remembered by, I did not give an answer until now. I would like people to remember me as someone who once came around and made an impact to your lives. This statement sounds like my happiness is highly dependent on people around, I accept the risk and destiny perhaps. Speaking of which, looking at my family history of unutilized talents, naive trustings, and bad decisions, I confide with my friends all my life events and emotions, I am not surprised if one day it would bite onto me. I accept the risk. I guess that made my life fulfilling. I guess my family too, despite everything, we live vicariously on the good life that people around us are having. It's after all a social construct. Still, at the end of the day, I am who I am because of the grace the universe has extended to me, who allowed me to, that I may grow in my own pace, in my own race. Thank you all. 

So touched when he offered to buy me some accessories, and also to use his film camera on me too. I enjoy basking on these small actions people do for me, like WL, DQ, ZH and JL too. Appreciate their honesty too and their constructive criticism. I guess my greatest flaw is my laziness, there are 1001 ugly things I dont like about my life like being fat, ugly, and not improving even though I could have made changes, but the inertia which stems from a pseudo learnt helplessness is rooted too deep within myself. Many times I had a courage to change, but its a 1 step forward many steps back. Hate that about myself, so I thank everyone around me to have the patience and forgiveness on that. Slowly but surely, I will be better! 

There are some mini regrets that I took matters on my hand or too busy to brush it aside that might have made the trip better such as an upgrade may sound good but may separate from the other friends who made the festival better, or when we were cancelled by our initial accom and I changed without consulting. In the end KH had to go through 6 sleepless nights due to my snoring. Really bad, whoever in the same room with me cant be a light sleeper, I might consider a surgery or chiropractic to alleviate this situation. Was not a problem prior to NS, until the middle of it. The next regret is I was just pushing off the concept of social butterfly and contested whats real whats fake whats facade whats connecting. It offended him. I admit, was a terrible friend as I thought we werent that close in NS cuz he is prolly the only few from Platoon 1 I talk to. Lots of brushing judgement and impressions. Also, the fact that at that time, I was just being a social butterfly around, never thought to have forged and strong friendship. 

Then I got super curious, there are these people who are sooooo spectrum with me, such as KH, JQ, ZH, KP who in terms of fashion, music, lifestyle, are worlds apart really, so why bother reaching out to me, I sometimes do feel I dont deserve the goodness of what they are, so I'm just curious what people actually see in me, isit that I am more open to try new things? isit ulterior motives? isit I seemed more happening? ; and for KH, is because I am an open book and sincere. Thanks! So I wasnt sure if it's social battery, sleep deprived, or other factors, but despite sometimes non reactive expressions, he is enjoying his time, and he is glad im enjoying mine, and that actually all along, he was so drained of his social battery, as an introvert, yet dragged himself to make sure he catch up with every single person properly, and make everyone comfortable, wow! Amazing dedication! I have only seen his "beaming with joy" look a few times so I was afraid I was being the deadweight but im glad its not. 

So while I am trying to be as transparent as I can to everyone with me and me only, his perspective is more of the Looking Glass Self where you show a certain part of you to certain group of people, so everyone get a slice of the real you and not all, I am prolly blessed enough to see the multiple sides of him so I see a bigger slice, I guess. Hehe. Some people though, I believe, is more of Goffman Dramaturgy Theory of Self where you consciously act a certain way to manage the impression of yourself to the ideal person you want that group to see you as. I, will be the Mead's Social Construct Theory of Self where the environment and experience of people around me shaped my identity, where I have a core self, then I discover more about the people around me, I "play" with what kind of "me" is comfortable, and then I internalize it.  

Well, all in all, in any areas of inconvenience, im so sorry friend. Great honest friend. Thanks for sticking by, thanks for listening to my mediocre life story, looking forward to improve and to more adventures together! 

 Bali. 02 Nov- 05 Nov (extended to 06).

This was my 10th time to Bali. Bali never fails to fill me with things to do. The mountainous agung batur and rafts and viewpoints. The beach of jimbaran and kuta. The exclusivity of nusa dua. The happening seminyak, canggu, and more. The spiritual and forested ubud. The far north diving hidden gem Lovina. WOW! 

After 10 times, there are still culture lifestyle I have yet to discover. This trip we have a closer encounter with "Death" and "Cremation". We saw the life cremation of a corpse and the entire ritual without coffin. We went to a "Wayang" museum too where the largest collection of Asian puppertery culture is well treasured and documented. Volunteers at the venue are so passionate with the collection and history behind every unique puppets, wayangs, and more. It's really a hidden find. 

This trip, I did something different, to go on a Hot Air Balloon. I guess the only experience I had was the one at Malacca, this was great too. One day, will be at Turkiye for the most iconic flight. The rest of the itinerary was mostly similar to the ones I had previously, but revisiting these places after pandemic gave me a weird sense of hope and relief that some defining culture still lives on, such as Bebek Bengil, Babi Guling, and more. No temples on this trip, neither any sea sports, Rafting was there though. Most of my travels requires cultural activity and fine dining so we went to Mandappa this time. We stumbled across Room4Dessert, which I found particularly interesting to curate a dining experience based on Hot and Cold desserts and food pairings, and cocktails ofcoz. So I thought it was a trip for J birthday, but I realised after spending some time, he enjoyed the trip very much as it was the first time overseas without C, and he certainly discovered more things about himself, his leadership, and People Management. 

Glad it was still a very balanced itinerary for the group, to go on the Hot Air Balloon, the Rafts, the Food, and the Party. We had missed so much Sunset Activities due to the lack of it on the first 3 nights, and thus had to eat into the first half of the next day always. Luckily the itinerary was planned to have activities only after 11am, so we are able to adjust. And the group was very flexible on it. They enjoyed themselves, each with a particular favorite segment. Oh yes, I had the Moroccan Hammam Bath. This was so interesting, I decided to book myself a flight to one of the most challenging, dangerous, and complex country in the world, for 2023 February. Excited. Looking forward greatly. Glad I could also share my personal development journey and gave alternate views on certain matters here and there, and grateful on the vulnerability and frankness each of them have given me. Thank you! WS was considered someone harder to understand, by the people around, but I think I have a better understanding on his thought process. 

Due to flight delayed, we did a crazy last minute decision to stopover at KL with ZH, and took a grab up to Genting for a 3 hours run before rushing as the last passenger on last call to run into the plane. Amazing experience though this was the 2nd time already, rushing for flights. 

Vegas. 08 Oct - 16 Oct.

My first trip out of Asia. Thankful for the opportunity amidst the many hurdles to get here. This is a city that never sleeps, a paradise for high life, everyone from the concierge to the uber drivers to the FnB servers to random strangers, people are generally in a constant party mood. Parties dont start at night, it never stops, Day Clubbing and Night Clubbing all over. Majestic landmarks towers the two sides of the Vegas Strip, they were so scaled up that one building to the next one looks near but it takes a 20 mins walk at least hotel to hotel. Shows are nightly basis, Comedy Night are full house, Show Girls swamps the streets. 

Due to me changing passport, I had to re-do my entry permit ESTA on the spot, which had caused me to be 4 mins late to the counter closing time, as the application is not an immediate approval. At that time, I was enraged, the built up anticipation and the idea of such a long haul flight, weighs down to my clenched fist I was so angry that they did not have any directives what to do if I change passport despite me contacting, or logging into the application (cannot change passport number). Joke! The lack of sympathy and bureaucracy with non chalent staff attitude and all, got me a very very very bad first impression on ANA. At that point, am I ready to forgo a $10k or so opportunity for the trip? NO! So I booked a last minute fight on United to catch up over at Vegas. United Air experience was a whole lot of different form of entertainment. I asked if I could get a last minute ticket the country staff asked if I had done ESTA which I said that was the reason I missed by ANA flight that I gotta resort to United. She asked the counter to hold up, asked me to book on spot, everyone around was on standby to receive my booking and hope nothing goes wrong to my booking as it would usually be immediate. Then, there was an announcement for me to run to the gate for that 15 hours flight. Rushing like hell but the treatment made it such a memorable and worthy spending. I experienced a 1 hour transit too as San Frans Airport is HUUUGGEE they had to have separate call to give some of us priority to transit immigration areas. Another mad rush but fun! Then I reached Vegas. Finally.  

This is a Holiday Destination for sure, im loving the vibes so much.  The Vegas Strip for shows, casinos, specialty restaurants and supercars rides. The Fremont Street for Music, Busking, Street Food and Pubs. Area 15 for futuristic, modern, artistic, psychedelics, rebels. Chinatown for comfort food, which never thought it would be a problem for me but im proven wrong, just 2 days in im already searching for something that dont require me to chew so hard like rice and noodle. Or the magic of soy sauce, sesame and chlli. As a tourist, treatment was wonderful, everyone so chill, lifts conversations, random street passer bys, the concierge at random hotels, the retail staff who offered boba tea even though I didnt buy any of their products. Just wonderful and friendly. Understand that it would be different as a Citizen and as a Tourist, but in this side of the fence, I am truly vibing. 

Lost a lot of money in the casinos as usual, but at some point its really not about the money anymore, no more maths or probability or whatever formulas or strategies, its the thrill of the impossibles, its the hype when the whole table with the dealer are fuelling the hope for the million dollar win. Learnt many many new games such as High Card Flush Poker, Three Cards Poker, Pai Gow Face Up, Let It Ride, Mississippi Stud, Caribbean Stud, Crabs, and even the usual games have so much side bets and bonuses. So friendly to teach, to wait, to help, very friendly for new players! Small talks are constant be it with table players or dealers. Love it sooooo much. 

We concluded that US food culture may not go too deep in terms of taste profile and etymology, but more of a quantity and glamor gourmet scene. Often people always say food tastes differently in other countries as it has been modified to suit their taste, I would like to challenge that, that would not explain the obsession and admiration to try the authentic local food of the destination country every time anybody travels. The chefs and manpower are also diverse, so skill is out of the equation too. That leaves with the only reasonable explanation of consumption behavior and accessibility to ingredients. 

All in all, great trip, great experience, and escapade to the glitters and glamours! I know its not reflective of US as a whole but it makes me wanna come back to US to explore the whole spectrum of cultures in its entirety. All my life I have always thought that I need not explore beyond SEA but Vegas widened by horizon, expanded by world map. I would like to touch all continents before the age of 35, let's aim 30 though, before more routines and responsibilities piles up and have lesser friends, lets do this travel thing asap!

On National Day 2022. 

Started the day by supporting a local art show, Merchant of Singapore, at National Museum. It was by Vignesh, Darren and Muz Ghaz. Anyways, it was amazing, they did a Participatory Theatre piece where each audience is given a colour-coded character. The audience assumes the roles of the lesser-known pioneers of Singapore and have our own profile and dialogues too. Then we are tasked to do simple things like carrying the gunny sacks, to follow, and to interact with the actors. The gist is about pioneers laying the foundation of economic and social infrastructures in Singapore. This is very much in line with National Day. In the end, we've built a nation with our hands, the toil of people from a dozen land. 

Coming from an immigrant myself, I truly appreciate and loved whatever this country has provided. It's intricate history, its miracle, and its progress are astonishing! This year I view National Day with an even deeper layer after watching Wild Rice's "Don't call him Mr. Mari Kita". It was about Zubir Said, the composer of the National Anthem. Amazing how much an "immigrant" contributed to this, Zubir Said dedicated his life for the better of this country despite all odds, it was so sad especially when his songs were lost during the separation of singapore-malaya, his fame faded so much that he was left with $20k on his death, and only to be raise on the pedestal loooong after his death as a National Hero. 

His resilience finally got his father to reconcile with him at 101yo at padang, upon the broadcast of Majulah Singapura. Through his songs, his merantau spirit resonates through every key every melody every words in his lyrics. Through the development stage of SG, Zubir Said saw the rise and fall during the Golden Age of SG Cinema with Shaw and Cathay. But his legacy goes on in his last 20 years as a music and life teacher, to encourage the young to pursue their dreams whilst not forgetting their roots and with the right values, and wishing them divine blessings, Semoga Bahagia! 

"Capailah lekas cita-cita pemudi-pemuda, Supaya kita ada harga di mata dunia." - Semoga Bahagia

Work towards your dreams, swiftly, my youths, so that we would find our worth in the eyes of the world! This line was soooooo inspirational, which is after all my passion for aggrandizing the Singapore story not only to tourists but to locals too. At the end of my life, no matter how small, how insignificant it may be, as long as 1 soul has understood and appreciated the national story of this little red dot, I guess I am contented, I guess I have proven my worth on this land. 

"Di mana bumi dipijak, di situ langit dijunjung" - 1984, Zubir Said

You should hold up the sky of the land where you live. That's what I believe. It's normal for a "foreigner" to view this country in a more positive light than the born and bred. But that's not enough for me. I really wanted to put forth the idea that this is not a perfect living but a very very very consistent effort to improve the lives of every soul in this land. As long as everyone works hard, everyone contributes, there's something for everyone. When housing, retirement and healthcare are planned, there's room for so much possibilities, so much passion stories. This is a country where no academia can pinpoint our system, as our CPF is alike socialist, our sovereignty is alike republic, our politics is alike democracy, our government is alike dictatorship, our progress is alike meritocracy, our economy is rather capitalistic, our policing systems especially to the oppositions is rather totalitarian, our borders are very much globalised, but it's all these that make up the unique jigsaw of what Singapore is today. 

The Building of a Nation like Singapore is never easy, especially with land scarcity. To balance 5.8mil people into 15% of 735sqkm. Considering the needs of defence, of water security, of food security, of housing, of healthcare, of industries on the same piece of land. Then have to manage the neutrality of global politics, aware of global superpowers and happenings, with increased woke-ism, and individual radicalized terrorism threats, and virtual bullies, loud empty vessels, all these as external challenges. Internal challenges would include mental health, and sustainability, and wellbeing, and culture, and ageing population. Not to mention fake news, scam crimes, white collar crimes, blinded rebels. Also on the land utilisation and its environmental social economical impacts. Then infrastructural, the MRTs, the 140m underground labyrinth, the utility, the energy, the waste. How about the vanishing heritage, and have to invent and reinvent culture, of a global hub thats approved by East and West. Yet at the same time have to look at innovations, opportunities, nurture the young, industry 5.0 workers, forward looking and quality education, technology advancement, shortage of manpower, retaining local talents, looking into supporting arts economy. If all these comes easy to manage for u then please write in and make the difference you want to see for our homeland.

So tilted by the same joke every year. Fireworks are a celebratory display of our progress, our resilience and our pride as a nation, what is a 20 million to mark this day of excellence over 10 billion worth of tax revenue. Then proceed to compare the scale of our fireworks to Japan and Dubai and China and all those countries spending even more money on them. JOKE! One of the lowest tax in the world, do you really think tax collected from your GST, from your personal income, amounts to anything concrete? Where do you think the money needed for the grants, and the covid reliefs, and the infrastructures like MRTs and sheltered walkways and new facilities and integrated urban planning, and visionary structures, and subsidies, all these takes a whole lot of money than that puny amount you contributed, at least for the large chunk of middle classes. If you're so good at managing your money then great, teach every soul in this land and then there's no need for government intervention, perfect system where every soul strives to always produce more and more only to be evenly contributed to everyone else, and no one will game the system of to eat snake cuz everyone so smart so rational so in equilibrium no need for prisoner dilemma no need for law and order cuz everyone is thinking for everyone. Wow. How wonderfully unrealistic yea?

So to those who knows nothing but to complain, that isn't a National Identity that's glamourous to proclaim. being cynical and skeptic about everything the nation does, only to be reduced into malice propaganda and brainwashing nationalism, are like yeast of society, spoiling the good name we have worked our blood sweat tears to build. Think of the sacrifices of our forefathers, the trailblazing stories, the unjust, the unheard, the unappreciated lot of people to make Singapore what it is today. All these, because we can always do better. Stop judging the past with our current moral standards, stop comparing every aspect of the nation to the bests of the world, we are not perfect, but let's make progress by contributing ideas and to work on things that makes a different, than empty protests and mere noise. Be better. 

 The Birthday Chapter

Today was such a weird but awesome day. Started the day without any plans and no one jio me on this very day thus I accepted a "video shoot" at Studio Z. A part of me was salty that I didn't have anyone to ask me out today. No plans. Then JL ask me for a videoshoot on THIS VERY DAY, appearing ignorant of ts importance?!?! The more realistic part is the "oh after the shoot we will be busy editing so you can hang around the studio", wlao not even a dinner or something.................. 

Due to watching Thor at Imax 3D last night, I slept in quite a lot, then went to support "Majie" Tour, then a birthday steak lunch with C and then with W to the 5 scoops of Ice Cream on 1 waffle. 

Was initially bumped as the people closest to me didn't actually "wish" me Happy Birthday, tbh I felt bad that 28 years of my life these closest friends didn't remember. Though I'm kinda expecting the jio only after the waves of FB reminders and all start coming in, since most of the time I am the one initiating to meet up and throw a party for my bday. So after lunch, it was 5pm, I met up with Z and SS to walk around Plaza Sing, then went to Studio Z as they claimed to have a "Video Shoot" of me in a talk show. When I was reminded that there may be other panelists I actually panicked, but was told it was an internal shoot so that got me off guard. Upon reaching the studio, I stepped into the "shooting room" to find myself showered with party poppers, WL, LL, DQ, SL, WH, MY, JQ, KP, WS, were all in this super elaborate plan altogether! It was so believable as JL mentioned they will be busy with editing and all. Wlao! Never would I expect something like this. I was expecting a simple dinner within the group to "celebrate" after the "video shoot", but it was all but a part of the ONE BIG GRAND PLAN!!! 

Thanks guys! Super super super touched as people like JQ, KP, WS traveled all the way north for this! And WL, LL, DQ, SL, and even KH are supposed to be here for the big day! Played some party games, ktv, boardgame, and then drinking game. I guess I ended up quite bad cuz I don't remember much except when I woke up at the staircase of Tanah Merah and grabbed home. 

ZH not only had gotten me a John Lennon shirt shipped from Ukraine, but also Thor Imax 3D last night, and then a JD sneakers today, Nike AirMax! Then JL and CL bought be a set of clothes to upgrade my wardrobe, which I am constantly appreciative and grateful for! MY set up a date with her friend and I am rather excited to meet her as I never thought someone like her would still exist in the world! Though we just know each other but the level of detail she has on me shows the extent a good friend can really go. I didn't think I have mentioned about my flaws and my "criteria" since so many has said I'm too out of reach and the ideal girl I wanted no longer exist. So for this, I'm super super super touched! I must say, because of the phuket trip, my Instagram game upgraded and thus the "date" accepted to meet me! WOWOWOOWOWW for the first time in my life I felt I am super valued, and a girl actually "approve" of my appearance and accepted the match up! I am no longer the DUFF! I am no longer the side character! 

Words cannot express the heartfelt gratitude of these people in my life, for JL to contact all my closest friends to throw me a surprise. I felt, if one day I had a proposal or wedding plan, these would be the friends that would do anything everything for me. These are the friends who would not be shy if intervention were to happen. These are the friends who will be the constant pillars of my life, to remind myself about the silver lining at every future stage of my life. For the more introverted like JQ and SS, so so so so honored to be the one that they would step out of their comfort zone for! JQ had to go through a TCM treatment at bedok right before the surprise, and managed to still come in for the night! Everyone had work in the next 4 hours but all stayed through the night to make the night a super memorable one. Feels super super super good that this time round I didn't initiate anything at all and they did everything on their own accord. Super super super touched, I am pouring at the point of this blog entry (okay no la, drama only sial, just tears of joy hahhahahas).  KP had to celebrate an aunt birthday but also managed to come to join in the celebration eventually, and volunteered to send us back to the east. So so so so so so touched! WS came alone this time, and traveled far and wide from east to north west just for me. I am beyond words for this kind of dedication and kindness towards me, I am truly happy that I still deserve this much greatness in my life. 

Hanging out with the bigger boys always made me ponder the life decisions I made in my life, that I am neither here nor there. I was so convinced of a non white collar work, of the gig economy, of the freedom of time and money I could achieve, only to find myself lagging in pandemic-friendly skills, I don't have any technical expertise in any fields, don't even have stability in career, and career progression is so ambiguous, this alternate road I travelled has not been the smoothest, and to embark on my degree at this stage of my life means I am past my prime career-pursuit age, my goal at 30yo is a step improvement but still I would be lagging behind sooooo much. But yet, these little things, these little wonders, reignites a glimpse of hope that at least I have made differences in the people around me, at least I was in some ways, at some time, to some one, a radiating beam of joy. Thank you!

Then comes the day after, Monday, where we started off with a NDP filming for a MV, then Dani Corliss Kris surprised me with a cake, no wonder they "Late"! At night, MY and WH planned for a dinner with me, I went along, then MY gave me a very nice "Simba", wowoowowow Lion King is my fav disney cartoon, cuz I always relate to how Simba is trying to learn adulting at Lion King 1, and then at 2 is like learning the push and pulls of a parent, and then Simba's daughter Kiara is someone questioning existence, about social constructs and purpose of life, loved the song "We are One". It's like the lyrics goes like "As we go through life we'll see, there is so much that we don't understand. And the only things we know is things don't always go, the way we planned." So anyways, she gave me ayellow roses too symbolising friendship and joy, and a looooong message tgt with wh, very very touching indeed. She got the gift of words hahhahas! Mistake reading on the train though felt like a rejected guy with flowers reading break up letter at the corner seat of the train cabin. So then the night continues to a surprise Candlelight Concert of ABBA!!!! Wooohoooooo my first candlelight event, at the renowned CHIJMES. So the birthday week isn't over, the next day boss called for a meeting, which turns out to be a birthday celebration for Kris, Me, Simon and Patara too. Very very thoughtful!

As I said, I don't know where the future holds, and don't know what I am doing right or wrong, nor if the path I take is wise, but I do know one thing for sure, I know where I am DEFINITELY not gonna be. I'm still grateful for the googly eyes moments I have today! 

So once again from the bottom of my heart.............. 

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!! for such a meaningful and memorable birthday surprise I ever had!

 JOURNAL IN JULY

As I countdown to the day I arrived on this planet. I would like to say thanks to all of you, playing big or small part in my life, and that special bunch around me still today, that still maintained a certain frequency of catch ups, and seen me through my ups and downs. Gonna be honest, I do only consider the list below special for the reciprocal friendships, and importantly the depth, but then I meant it when I say each and every person in my life, past, present, future, matters to me, for you shaped me to who I am today. 

J, S, T : Being my first group of closed friends, that we went through thick and thin, we quarreled, we travelled, we went through blood, sweat, tears together through the journey of life. You are my first horizons of life paths, my first buddies to have a go at training, you accompanied me on a huge part of my teenhood. You saw the best of me. You witness the breaking of my cacoon. You celebrated my success. Thank you! 

CCH : For being the first kind of friend that exchanges countless discussions on various topics under the sun, to challenge each other on viewpoints, to explore alternate views, and to intellectually stimulate each others mind. 

D, W, Y, K : For being there at the randomness times, for the good times, for the late nights, for the cheap thrills, for the break on life, for the ktv, cafe and food. Glad that all of you have found your other halfs! And for all of you individually, thanks for opening up your vulnerabilities and sharing your rites of passage to me that I gain insights and experience indirectly from you. 

CSY : For the guy that reminds me of the simplicity of life, yet with the pessimistic side of life lingers on, and the transience part of life that allowed simple joys you would find. You boosted my ego to be a provider of knowledge to you. You are always attentive to my random commentaries. You have went through so much in life, that to be honest, I don't even know if I have the emotional capacity to go through what you went through. Your resilience amazes me. You remind me of my principle of life to "make the best out of what life gives, and to give a little more to people around me to ease of their burdens through life as much as I can."

D, K, C : Thanks for keeping my sanity in check. You made my journey in the industry much bearable. You are the mother of life I never really have. You are current yet experienced. You are naggy yet not annoying. Your sensitivity touches me that my presence are felt. Your trust and confidence in me affirmed my passion and the faith in humanity. Your patience on my temper is a constant reminder for me to be better as a person. Your humility kept my ego in check too. Your extra-miles reassured me that I wont be alone in this journey. Your sacrifices kept me going to improve the industry bit by bit, at the best of my abilities. 

TZH : I am honestly beyond words. The long walks, the long nights, the honest conversations, probably only a few could do that. Honestly, you impacted me more than anything, though may be very small increment, but I am working towards that. I may not agree with every viewpoints, but I certainly learned a lot from you. About life, about my flawed judgment, about my self limiting beliefs, about my naive personality, about the harsh reality. I remember you mentioned that one of the greatest fear is probably the one day where your friends are no longer around, I guess me too, though I might not admit back then. You put friends on a high priority of your life, yet at the same time, you are very accepting about its transient tendencies. I am glad to be part of that "friend". And I hope this friendship last. Interestingly enough I felt you have brought be out of the well I dwell in, out of my comfort zone, and let me see a world I would not have known. Your friends are very sociable and accepting. I consider myself to be such opposite of you I am constantly afraid to be a burden of the friendship. But you are patient. You took time to dissect the root of our differences in opinions on all things, such that I can identify the flawed biasness in me. I remember when you brought your ex to meet me at paya lebar. I remember the gifts you gave me, for I am a very lousy gifter. You changed half of my wardrobe and gave me more confidence in myself. I am honoured beyond words. I am still eternally in debt to you, but thanks for sticking by my side despite everything. 

KP : For being a great check of reality to me, to punch me with hard questions, to explore the vulnerabilities of humans, the flawed side of humans, to embrace myself with candid emotions, open my horizons to the wilderness of the greater world out there, to redefine my boundaries and priorities, to fuel my motivation for a better self, and courage to step out of comfort zones.

J, C, W, M : We connected only recently. I always ponder the interesting occurrence of every factor in life that made this friendship possible. The late night guru sessions from J, so interesting how you could summarise your day, your life, your situations, in paragraphs of lessons. All of you allowed me to dig deeper in your train of thoughts, on your perspectives on matters, for being the devil advocate for alternate views, towards a more etymological understanding of my own emotions and thoughts too. You validated my strengths, you forgave my mistakes. You make me a more honest person in terms of tearing down my facade and be honest about my own emotions. You may be the group I can fulfill some of my life dreams with. C for offering views from the different gender, different social groups, and the candid recounts you have in life. M for the cool vibes, the inclusivity, the blindspots, the acceptance, and the funny gen z jokes that I may be slow to catch but still very very grateful for! W, well, so funny how we started the friendship but thanks for allowing me to be your friend, for the inspiration I have from you, for the companionship through these brief few years, for believing in me while in the force. Thanks for the heartfelt honesty, the good words you have of me to your friends, and the "kyanta reminds me of how life can be so satisfying (or fulfilling) despite its simplicity." And perhaps, one of the few friends who first connected to you at a deeper level. Thanks for that! 

STR : My first teacher in life. You nurture me so much that you are the inspiration for me to nurture others to the best of my abilities. In fact, I do want to step into the education field in the future, as I believe education is the key for vertical mobility, for boundless empathy, and to make a positive difference in this world. Thanks for the movie sessions, the extra tuition lessons, the first person that believes in my potential beyond what I imagined myself to be. 

LKK : My coach. Your disciplinary method, your world view, your proficiency in Chinese culture, your parenting styles, your lifelong learning spirit, your profound reminders from time to time that I wont understand on the moment but will resurface when I really needed them. 

TTW : The industry guru. You are a friend first, everything second. Thanks for the guidance to ground me better in the industry. You went though so many technicalities of life hacks, provided me with timely industry news, pointed out my flaws, and warn me on my shortcomings. Thank you so much!

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Well a few other concepts I would like to discuss in this post. 

Duff. It refers to the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. When asked about my love life in general. Many would be shocked about it. As mentioned many times in this blog, it started out with the period of confusion, "I can relate more to guys than girls, I cant hold conversations with girls, am I Gay or Bi?" Was my first fearful thought growing up. Then " I was not attracted to neither types of porn. Am I assexual" comes my next excuse I gave myself. Well the recent trip got me a trip to my memory lane too. I recalled the times when I had probably advanced from a friend to more than a friend stage at a very young age. P3 and P5. But due to asian parents "too young to date" and other circumstances, I gave up. Then P6 I kindda lost a crush to my best friend. My unwarranted confession made a girl cry before PSLE. Sec 1 my public confession made another girl cry in the basketball court. Sec 2 I confessed in a love song for my desk msg friend and made her cry too. I gave up since then. Poly 2 met a clubber who said my life is too boring. Graduation I was almost in a RS but she got her eyes on my other best friend. I gave up again. These incidents reinforced my self limiting belief that I am destined to be the DUFF. 

Concede. I was never a sports person. Growing up, I didnt have an ego. When my coach said "whoever who wants to leave, stand up and go home now." I did. These aggressions doesnt work on me. Watching last-man-standing films makes me wonder why dont just give up? Playing games for the first times gamers sneer at me for being newbie and noob, I admit, and I quit. I am usually a quitter. I guess in personality, as long as something is not my utmost passion, I quit on the realisation that I am nowhere near average and wouldnt bother to change a thing about it. Hedonistic. Escapist. And I bask on that label. I chose the convenient way of embracing and then internalizing that label. Thus I never really got far in any areas of my life. Its still Jack of All Trades. Again, as an excuse, I added, "Better Than Master of One." Though to be fair today society values this Multi-Intelligence more than a Genius in just one aspect. 

Contributions. I was receiving help from young from people around me. I felt so relieved on financial burdens and therefore since secondary, I made it to be my guiding principle to have 75% of my money spent on alleviating the financial burdens of people around me, such that they have the space for self improvements, self exploration, and to clear one of the many hurdles to ease their journey. I tend to be on cloud nine receiving news on my friends doing well in life. Sounds creepy, but I do have the tendency to celebrate milestones of people around me even if not physically close anymore, by archiving their happy moments. So all these while, I guess im always worried to be the burden of the group. Im always trying to contribute. With nothing I can contribute especially in the pursuit of certain industries, I always resort in using money to be my main contribution. I dare say to date, I probably spent $1k - $10k, or more, to each and every friend around me now, for food for events for holidays for product supports, from the independent ones to the more frequencies ones. In a way, I feel like im "buying friends", tho recent conversations assured me Im definitely not. Its just my altruism too high. 

Fate. Recently I am constantly reminded to get rid of the self negativity, my resignation to fate to conveniently "blame" fate about it. See from young, I concede to the thought that I'm never good enough, never smart enough, never popular enough, never funny enough, never capable enough, never lucky enough, never charming enough. With these thoughts, it may manifest the worst outcome for me. I gotta grow on my self esteem, my believe that I am more than who I think I am. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? It's too easy, too convenient, to blame it on fate, what is mine is mine, what is not mine is not mine, without even trying to improve a bit. Even if I don't reach the apex, I can reach beyond the mean. 

Impulse. A friend of me say I do things in impulse. I cant deny. Lacked self discipline. I cant deny too. Then again, its the easy way out. Especially on casino. Do I want to slowly grind or just go big or go home. I went big indeed. And I went home empty indeed. Tbh I am not too sad about it as it was after all a hard limit I set before stepping in. But this time I guess I kindda see it better? But another part of me always have that feeling that it is just my destiny. I mean what are the odds in blackjack, the probability are impossibly in the favour of casino that I have impossible scenarios. Well in my youth, I do weekly trips to Leisure World to gamble for extra pocket money, I avoided blackjacks cuz the auntie uncle always scolding, toxic environment, so I do big small. Big small, as long I cushion using a Big or Small bet, then bet on specific number that gets me the 12x 18x 30x so I will always win. That grind got me my extra pocket money in the past. So when I loss at RC first time and then RC last year, and also Macau, theres always other factors, such as friend intro to play other games, or teaching how to use maths probability strategy to play best possible hands in blackjack and all. But I always have that gut feel big small is confirm win but grindy, due to the formula I thought was guaranteed. Genting reframed that mindset, the entire night keep opening the middle numbers 8, 9, 10, 11, only 6x payout, cant cover the overall nett count for cushion. So I am convinced that can never game system. 

So last night was Emonightsg, a punk rock event with a constant mosh pit for the entertainment of the niche genre of music. This is the first time I stepped into their new venue at Hard Rock Cafe. I'm definitely a poser there, but I just enjoy the beats and the mosh. The community is awesome, we push and push with all our might, we fly, we fall, but there's always the community to push us back up! It was sooooo tiring! Went home physically and mentally drained, get I could not fall asleep. Took to writing, but ended up writing in Chinese instead. Woke up impressed at myself. hahahs! #thickskin

星星闪烁着好似轻轻叹气
The blinking of the stars made it seems like sighing. 

The "stars" is the side of the obvious, something everyone can see clearly. 

And it's always there, like people around me, friends. 

This 2 lines are inspired by the song "暗示".

叹着我日夜追寻风的动静
Sigh at the sight of a futile chase after the movement of the wind. 

In contrast, the wind is irregular, its random, its subtle. 

And every little movement is little, and it doesn't lead me anywhere. False Alarms. 

双眼沉重的我但难以入睡
听我诉说天若有情天亦老

Though the eyelids are heavy, but I couldnt fall asleep, 

Gotta hear me lamenting that if Heaven knows about relationship, Heaven ages quickly. 

The last line is inspired by "逍遥游" where it talks about Martial Pulgilistic world, 

Where heaven is defined as "lawful" and "clear cut" but most wanderers have the excuse of 

Getting the freedom to roam the earth with their swords, having "nothing lasts forever" attitude. 

Just as how I always find the excuse of having every other aspects of my life doing great.

This acts as a segue to the next verse.

可现在世间万物都很暧昧
泼出真感情不如试探一会

Many things in life in this modern world is fleeting. 

Why pour out all your feelings but rather, spread it to multiple "tries"?

These lines are inspired by the song "暧昧".

Contrast with the olden days Martial Pugilistic World, 

Yet certain things makes more sense now, 

In different context and applications.What is blocking me?

茫茫人海却任然缘木求鱼

In the sea of people, yet I chose to climb the trees, expecting for fishes. 

See the consistency of "Sea" and "Fish"? Hahahahs so proud. Hehehe. 

I guess its not just methodology, but intention and mind frame, needs to change. 

只能在棉被里独自找安慰

At the end of the day, I find solace in the warmth of the blanket. 

This line conveys the yearning for more yet comfortable to settle. 

It's an oxymoron kind of surrendering to the status quo. 

 

SINGAPORE TOURISM AWARDS 2022

Very happy to be attending this event after 2 years of virtual. Feel rather surreal this time as I am now in a different company. I recall just before the pandemic where we had a table to ourselves for the previous company I worked with. Now, not only that the same few people are representing this different company, there are additions to the team. 

To me personally, this is the mark of endeavour. On 2020, I was in much despair, I was in a bad shape. it just suddenly dawns on me that my entire life has been in a non-pandemic-friendly expertise. During the lockdown especially, where F&B are closed, Tour Guiding has stopped, Events have halted, I reclused into a soul searching stage and began wondering the meaning of life, and if my life has been a waste. Had a brief 2am discussion the other day after boardgaming, which I would like to address some of the topics raised. 

The Googly Eyes Moments. This topic came out when we discussed the Michelle Yeoh movie. I'm truly surprised how everyone at the table watched and liked the movie. To me, it was an ode to some Chinese classics where Michelle Yeoh unlocked the multiverse travel by transferring the conscious to another timeline and the result of that is you get your "abilities" from that timeline. There was this symbolism of googly eyes which I thought was just to suggest the absurdity of things allows you to "see" beyond the realities you are bounded within. Yet W explained that it has a deeper meaning I have never thought of! As quoted from Reddit, "The Googly Eyes - A white circle with a black center is the good approach to nihilism: Be absurd, be strange, be whatever. The Everything Bagel - A black circle with a white center is a worse one: Nothing matters, so it should all be destroyed." Indeed, I am sure I am not alone, but we all do think about impossible scenarios constantly, we think about a lot of "what ifs", we ponder the life decisions we made that may have made drastic differences with our life trajectory. Yet the little small moments of happiness in life actually matter more than anything else. You can have the worst life imagined but with the right people right environment or the right state of mind, everything will turn out okay. 

Life Decisions. I remembered I used to say if I can turn back time I won't change anything, for I am satisfied with my life right now. Yet deep inside, if I were to be honest, there is so much in life I questioned my decision. The other time I was talking to Z about what if from the mischievous boy in Primary school, I stepped into Secondary to mix with the pop kids, to embrace my extroversion, never did hang out with the quieter ones, never went to the arcade, never chose to lean towards by wushu clique, I might turn out to be a whole different person. (PS not saying any clique is bad, just that the echo chambers I built up over the years have built a wall around my world view that I am becoming myopic) What if during my primary school I never stopped singing after losing just one competition on runner up, maybe I would be chasing my passion in music and arts. In the movie, every "failures" or "wrong decisions" Michelle Yeoh made enables her to defeat the ultimate villain at the end. This is really in line with my life philosophy that don't be afraid to learn, for we are like a tree, some skills get us fruits of labour or bloom of vanity, yet some withers away, but all in all, the asymmetrical chaos growth of these branches made us who we are, a tree, maybe a giving tree. 

Being The Burden. I asked daringly, when someone was sharing about her stagnation in her career. I probed, because I faced it before. During my initial years in Tourism, I felt the extreme pressure to provide jobs for the guides around me, I have a naive thought that if I worked hard enough, one day I will attain some equity for my efforts, then I can built an empire from scratch, with least capital investment, thus time is what I had. Even when I jumped ship, I had a constant fear to not being able to provide enough for the friends that came in because of me. When I learned that my rates are below average, I feel so bad. I felt like a burden to them, I felt I am taking up beyond what I can do. I felt that I am not fit to be their leader. The more they are patient and good to me the worst I feel. I feel bad to "waste their time" to follow me. I wake up in the middle of the night on anxiety attacks to constantly push myself to get more sales, address more enquiries, develop more tours, so that everyone around me is well fed. I took to 3 packs a day when the office politics took that toll on me. I feel so bad, that I pulled a friend into a deep shit hole for him. Then all in all, seeing that he is in a much better and more suitable place now, really eases my mind and my heart a lot. So then another friend, W, came to say sometimes, as much as people follow you, be honest on your capability, on your limits, such that it becomes their ownership of the decision to follow me. I went to talked to each and everyone of them. Yes they are in for my sake, but they are following me willingly. So I'm so so so so so glad and happy to have these friends in my life! I learned to delegate tasks, I learned to train people to think how I think, to see what I see, to work in the style I work. Disclaimer though, I still do have that burden-complex thing. A lot of times I like to do things alone, the facade I put up is "Oh I am happier to do the things I like alone so I don't have to keep finding like-minded people for every different activities.", I guess the truth is, I feel that my getting people to accompany me to do things I like, I am "Burdening" the person. I guess communication worked, to ask if they are okay, if not they can "you do you, I do Me" kind of arrangement. And if they chose to follow, dont feel the pressure to always ensure they would like what you do, cuz its really okay that they dont, so they can make decisions on the next occasion. It's a choice. 

Way Back Into Love. Well, as much as I say I am ready for a change and gradually be back in the market by year end. Yet if I am asking myself truthfully, there is still a rather thick all bothering me. And this thick wall is still my johari. I dont know what it is. Not esteem, not personality, not opportunities. I am still trying to figure out. Maybe its just hectic work-school-life balance? Then if I ask myself, what is "Love"? I still don't have an answer. I have never been on the stage where I love somebody so much I do everything for her. I have never fall head over heels to anyone. My attraction radar is broken, I dont even look at girls on the go. I used to think love is one sided, you wish for the best but do not expect reciprocy. That's parental love. I think it works differently in BGR, there is bound to have an effort balance. Then I think of the Pillars of Love (intimacy, passion, and commitment) and the Four Horsemen of Love (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling). I guess these leads to the Quadraple Theory (Attraction, Connection, Trust, and Respect). 

Opposites. They say opposite attracts. But I guess it cannot be too opposite. Two worlds can overlap, such that there is still a part of "self", and a mutual shared universe amongst the two. I used to think that I gotta find the perfect one that matched all my interests and worldviews and thinking, that's like loving myself. Without that differences, I would not grow. Yet the opposite is not possible too, as when we are worlds apart, then there's no similarity, then it's hard to interest each other with our own social circle or activities. That way, there is no common ground at all. At the end, is to prioritise what is important. I always thought I am a settler, but perhaps, there's a part of me to be the reacher, to reach to the idealistic one, for if you ask me to prioritise, it's really hard for me to rank my priorities, and being an escapist, any incongruence will irritates me a lot a lot. Perhaps, there's always this expectation that my spouse should know me most, should support me most, should compliment me most. Again, that's selfish. I gotta overcome this too.