Have been mia for very long.

Basically my life is all about work right now, my boss was great to me, my welfare was good, and he allowed me flexibility at work. Ofcoz, I have also strive to make myself useful in the brewery. Learnt alot about the business and customer relations. 

Really happy when customers compliment about my smile, my service, my enthusiasm and all. 

Life was ironic for me.

Never be too quick to speak, nothing is really definite in life. 

Long ago I never thought I could be accustomed to such working life, I would never imagine myself being in a job the whole week, doing the same thing and all... I enjoyed work right now.

It's like long ago I have never imagined myself liking club songs or rock songs.

Long ago I wouldn't have interest in TCM and now JL approached me about it, and since 2 years back I actually wanted to know about TCM cuz it's a great safe solution to elder health. 

That brings me to the irony that long ago I have never considered migration, I would be devastated if I leave all my social connections and life in sg. But right now I actually have thoughts to go to Sydney. I mean like there is nth that ties me down to sg anymore. 

Now I understand why ppl say that friends could be established again. In life, there is a limit of close friends you could possibly have, cuz of the need of connections and the scarcity of time. And friendship now is a different phenomenon, all these years I have been searching for those kind of die-die-stick-together friendship that do everything together go everywhere together. But then it's not practical in modern society. 

Firstly cuz we take connectivity for granted due to social media. We lose that value of physically spending time together. 

Secondly there are too much interest activities in the world that ppl have different tastes.

Thirdly time drifts ppl apart faster cuz much things could be completed now in the same period of time as before. 

Thus I chanced upon groups on google, it's amazing about the number of ppl liking a particular interest. So it becomes task specificity social support model, we go to different groups of ppl to seek what we want at it's best possible chance. You don't approach a photography club if you need help in business, you simply approach the entrepreneur club as it yields higher chance of finding help. 

That being said, I guess I'm saving money for a trip to Sydney to see the culture there. And ofcoz, the retirement villagers there. It could be a path for me in the future. 

How I Met Your Mother has officially ended.

The last 2 episodes finale filled in all the gaps of the whole drama.
All in all, it's so "life", every thing about it, is like life in a dramatic way.
In the end, at some point in time, we still gotta say goodbye,
There's a time for everything, for all relationships,
Sometimes you realize the journey you've been taking has reached its final stop.
So the question becomes : Where do you go next?

That's probably the hardest, most intriguing question at some point in our lives.
I felt like Ted, except perhaps in a different manner.
I started off didn't really care about social relationships,
I am just friendly to anyone, then I get close to a few gradually,
then it hurts me when we drifted,
and the cycle repeats.

No matter how close were you,
I guess in the end, everyone got their own family,
own careers, and time spent would be much less,
but then once in a while on big moments when you reunite,
That's when time seemed to just rewind to the past.

Most important moments shouldn't be missed, you cant have them back, so don't give up crazy moments with your friends, they're probably the real-est kind of love you could get even for a moment. Some people are worth the effort to keep, some just have expiration dates.

Ted also thinks he is ready to be a relationship guy at the start of the drama,
but we found out that the whole 9 seasons is preparing him to be a good father.
Somehow I'm like that too,
I felt that having kids is the only worthy love I could pour to.
I felt everything is so superficial,
and that I always come across to friends as Older Brother Syndrome,
not really the kind of friends people have,I am rather awkward.
Yea often I heard comments that i'm like a "father" to my friends.
So perhaps I would want to skip all the relationship to having kids.
But then it's impossible, cuz I alone can't do that,
need a compatible someone..........
Someone...... perhaps with a yellow umbrella at the train station of Farhampton.  
But things happen for a reason, I'll just have to wait for it.

Ted is "old" for his age, is rather a bore, and likes things other ppl dont,
he liked to lecture and display his architecture prowess,
capable of perhaps dating at the lighthouse,
saying cold jokes and stuffs......
I feel so much like him....... hopelessly romantic.....

Anyway yea, then Barney finally became father too,
his marriage fell with Robin, cuz the sparks are too great,
that they are overwhelmed, and Robin is definitely not the kind of mum,
but at least they are frank to each other, complete honesty,
just like the vow.
Robin found her love in the end too,
at the right time, when all the possible knots are untied,
unfortunate that the mother, Tracey, actually died,
but in her final years, Ted was the perfect man for her,
loved her every moment of his life,
So for Robin, her final relationship would not cause her to be tied down with family responsibilities.

26th Mar:

Spend my whole day at the Ageing Conference at Pan Pacific, one of the last moments of my poly life with my class, I concluded our class still had more laughs hahas! Bunch of fun loving people! So Then at night went for Timbre, and had a casual talk with a friend. Simple day passed.

I guess it's official that my friendship with a friend I once considers close restarted.

Perhaps will not be as close anymore but at least I'm happier at this conclusion, at least I know what pisses him off, and realize our friendship rather superficial. I mean one moment will ask me for lunch n dinner, and talk about games and all, then one trivial matter can totally shut me off, so its all still at a companion level, no personal level yet.

It's ok, hope can continue eating and talking about games, I don't mind.

Sigh now that i know, at least no more resentment, now feel like holding something to give me some security feeling, but none....

Sometimes it's really hard to get a shoulder to rely on, or even to get a hug, esp with all the homosensitivity around. I really feel sad for ppl like me who got no one to receive hug from, and can't find a guy to do that cus it's just weird.... Cuz our culture, ppl stereotype fast... Esp for males... so ya, only bolster lor...

---------------

Time can never mend
the careless whispers of a good friend
to the heart and mind
ignorance is kind
there's no comfort in the truth
pain is all you'll find

-----------------

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

-----------------

I know it's not enough to say I'm wrong
You know that I will miss you now you're gone
I know it's not your life to see this through
Just know that in my heart, it beats for you
So leave a little note for me behind
I swear I have to know the reasons why
This won't survive

27 Mar:

Gathering with sec sch friends,
really surprised most of them remembered whatever I said long time before,
and yea other than those,
we really Talk Cock Sing Song,
lots of cold pun jokes by Cheuck as usual,
and then yea it was mostly laughter.
BKT and Cheesecake Cafe were closed,
we ate Tian Tian and O Coffee Club.
So excited for the next big event,
driving to Malaysia.

Yea, I rmb a few of my friends never flew on a plan before,
I seriously felt like devote one month of my time working,
so could have a short trip on a plane for them......
Then again my work is only 4h a day,
cant fetch me enough money.

Sigh~~~
Someday I will!

Yea it's really heartwarming to gather and have a good laugh,
I think in the end, the 94s people in my life
are the more lasting people.......
even though we not as gung-ho,
totally "xi shui chang liu" (thin water runs longer)
=) cheers to Talk Cock Sing Song!!

What an idiotic episode.

Sigh.
Today a close friend of mine suddenly left group,
the group was about to decide where to go tmr.
So then I was suddenly saddened, terrified.
This is cuz I just lost another close friend last weel.

Then I thought that, it should be bgr that he did that.
So then after awhile I found out I was right.
Then, it became worst.

I was disappointed, pissed.
I told him countless times,
not to vent anger on innocents,
not to deprive ppl of their rightful share
of happiness and time with him,
and this happened.

Dont tell me cuz no mood or what,
The whole world go through the same damn thing,
We are emotional I know,
I tear alot too, it's no shame,
But in the end I did not carry my problems around.

Then, Im disappointed in myself,
that he is not even talking to me his problems,
talking about bonding,
we came from a 10-ppl cell to 5,
then how is it bonding
when simple life problems such as this
not being shared........

Also disappointed in me being a lousy friend,
that people could walk out of my life on trivial matters,
my gosh, what bullshit about social,
total bullshit,
social ties are so superficial and shallow,
maybe cuz I couldnt taste the grapes to say its sour,
but whateever......
dont matter anymore......

Totally devastated,
to think about all the efforts and time,
to even rush there in 10 mins,
with a bike without  brake,
almost banged into traffic twice,
forgot about the steep slope and almost out of control also,
sweat like pig and all in vain cuz he's aslp already.......

sigh.............
never been so angry in my life.......
though I think I probably soft heart again,
but for now, Im a cold hearted machine.......

Mundane these few days.

Fri talked to JL for 3h before training.
We talked so broad that I cant remember everything he said,
Then sat morning training, then is fellowship night with the cell roaming marina,
before that was service, which is kindda in line with whatever JL say.
Then today, bought an electric guitar,
Hossan Leong show later.

So..... some summary:

- Heaven chose extraordinary people to achieve feats, that doesnt mean only they can do it, doesnt mean you must have something in order to do it, you are able to achieve it too even with ordinary stuffs in your hands.

- "And so you helped, and so you succeed, then you look back, ohh, there are so many people", we cant help everyone in the world. 

- The human need of Carnality, often builds mental blocks, self drawn lines and self built perimeter that restricts wisdom and understanding.

- Human define and explain things in our limited knowledge, we must also accept the fact that there are knowledge we do not yet understand, until then, we can only learn

- People in the end are all the same, things and problems are the same, just that it happens still, because we have yet to experience that path, these kindda paths probably are meant for us to go through only then we can be better than others.

- Moderation. We should achieve moderation in all we do to do our roles well. However, this do not mean compromising. If we compromise in order to achieve moderation, it is not true moderation. Our priorities, attitudes and times should be in moderation.

- We should not bring home our troubles from roles to roles unless deliberately discussed. No matter how passionate a teacher is, no matter how much the society emphasize on going the extra mile, who defined that extra mile, who gave the concept that a good teacher must go the extra mile. As a teacher, during your role, you can reach out, show concern, etc, but other than that, do not bring the worries home to your kids, your spouses, etc, if not, it becomes a problem, a burden, a distraction, for you to perform your other roles.


------------------------

Sigh, a friend is still not responding to me after the friend got angry. Sigh, I choose not to aggravate the matter to visit and etc, shall just await the return. If by wed no news, I guess I have to accept the fact that people come and go, I probably lost another close friend. Sigh. Lost so many people in life that I guess Im not really a people person after all. As much sadness as I feel, I should learn to put it down.

-----------------------

On the other hand, some random new friend dreamt of me! hahas dont think anyone had that before?? random but yea, thats cool~

Oh one more random thing, the whole cell actually knew about that Thai song, Kamikaze, Splash Out........ like....... seriously???? is THAT popular????

-----------------------

想妳三暝三日　從頭到尾把妳想一遍
　明知影無彩工　風吹草動嘛心震動

Thinking of you 3 days 3 night,
Thinking about all these memories we've been,
So obvious thinking wont change a thing,
But it's like the grass wants to rest but the wind kept blowing

想妳三暝三日　一點一滴按怎放抹記
　乎妳帶走的我的靈魂　只有是隨風亂紛飛

Thinking of you 3 days 3 night,
Every detail so reluctant to be erased,
As you took away my soul as you depart,
Leaving an empty shell wandering

夜雾那么浓 开阔也汹涌
有一种预感 路的重点是迷宫

Just had a gathering in celebration of the champion team, 
great day I guess, but not really perfect,
kindda screwed up cuz one of them left. 

Sigh, didnt expected that,
then drown myself in more songs...

Sometimes, I really wished the eyes are cameras, 
that could capture every hearty laughter and gleaming eyes, 
of that moment of joy shared by everyone, 
perhaps thats a common goal for event photographers, 
but to me, it's more than a moment, more than a memory,
it's like a diminishing essence of life.....

I mean, life is not perfect, 
we have unglams moment, 
but not like we are gonna display unglams to shame on people, 
somethings these unglams make better memories than glam posed shots....

Sigh, no idea how our friendship would go, 
Ive seen people walk offs,
and as they left, 
it seems like a part of myself, my memories, my emotions, my life, 
have left along as well.....  

I really wonder what would NS life be. 
Normally people would have strong bonds with the platoon, 
but how about former friends?
Are we friends just because we have a common "group",
Could we be more that companions, 
those kind of people that may not meet but could gel perfectly fine?

Oh right, anyway I found someone to sing Ji Pa Ban with me!!!!!!!!
So damn high that day la!!! we quite gam, like some partner in crime!!
All the cold jokes, lol-ness, guffaws and all...... hahas!
So damn "brother" feel lo!! hahas !!!!!!

Hmm, decided to consider Blue Yeti,
cuz it seems reasonably good for a starter mic,
then hunting for electric guitar, digital drum / cajon, harmonica.......

Other than that, starting work soon to pay for all the musical instrument spree......
Then it's till NS I guess..... 
Hmm, yea the end of the path is yet another labyrinth......... 

It's been like decades since I last updated again.

Well I'm kinda aimless in life right now. 

Kindda feel like I wanna enjoy my holiday but not much happenings.

PTL though that before the haze saga n monsoon season I went to most parks already. Hort park to Mt Faber, botanic gardens, by the bay, etc.....

Some highlights would be:

The Quest 2014, we had 3 teams, DQ. ZH, KY and CH came in champion!!!! Walked away with iPads and cameras and lots of gift vouchers, including celebrity fitness membership!! Cool !!

Bought ukulele for the cell, complete colours. Long term investment, hopefully can bond us better. I mean after all these years I still think we are not truthful enough, not open enough, not dependable enough, etc etc. 

Choke full of bean is cool! Went with dq n family, made me wonder what kind of a brother would i be if i had siblings. Many ideals bro i wanna be but im sure it is freaking impossible. Slept over at dq house for first time hahas. 

Went for Rolling Stones concert, ofcoz their music themes not exactly nice, it's after all power, sex and drugs, but they are really awesome to maintain the energy the hype the quality at such pioneer age. Sad though about the death of his girlfriend. I think self harm and suicide are signs of coward, lame, immature, failure, escapist, good for nothing, waste earth resources, losers. 

I guess everyone feel worthless in some time in life, I think I feel that constantly, no doubt thinking of vanishing on Earth is easy solution, but seriously, no problems on earth are totally new n unprecedented, why all the fuss?

I think I struggle alot through own things, about lying to the point my life is a lie, about loneliness and desperations, some addictions or fetish, some rebellion, some self pity, misfit, but that don't make me suicide at all.... 

Sigh. 

To all ppl in the world....

Stay strong!!!!! 

We walk, but felt like trapped on the spot,
We live, but felt like mere existing,
We love, but felt like drifting away,
we smile, but felt like fountain of tears..........

多少人走着却困在原地
多少人活着却如同死去
多少人爱着却好似分离
多少人笑着却满含泪滴

Such beautiful lyrics!!

Unofficial graduation on Feb 17 was great,
we went ktv after that!
Miss those times!

Well that marked the end of poly life.
Been exploring Singapore,
and have lots of new experiences.

At River Safari, didnt expected that I would enjoy so much,
I find the animals so cute!
How the Mantinees eat, and use their flippers like hands of babies,
the red pandas chasing around each other, and looking at passer by with curiosity,
the panda, sleeping with such attitude,
the alligator,  and the monkeys!

How are they feeling inside?
Dont they have a need of novelty?
What high levels of obedience to the law of nature!

Also as I travel I notice the number of mentally challenged,
some were doing weird actions yet the wrinkles
at the corner of their eyes says that
they are happy.
What is their purpose?
How are they feeling?
What made them so happy?
Why can't we?

Then I went to Labrador,
I was in luck to witness Kingfisher preying the 2nd time in my life!
So graceful! so beautiful!
And monitor lizards!!! 4 of them!!!!!!
And the butterflies, the mudskippers, all so amazing.

I have been to country club as well!
Singing my day there.
And talked to many interesting people,
so much stories, so much resilience in life!

Went to the first Neon Lights night with Goodfellas!
Great time dancing and jumping!
Like a mini clubbing kindda thing with awesome music
instead of techno electrical sounds.

And the usual wednesdays with enigma,
some big shot recognized and shoutout by them as I walk in!
Hahas!

Then, pretty much, have not been socializing to my usual social circle.
No idea why too, just like I was waiting for some ppl to ask me out,
but since there were none, I set off myself,
to places I want to go, do things I want to go.
More freedom like this,
nothing is really definite.

Was rather furious at some,
but then after that,
I again realize I had my expectations too high,
trivial things though,
not showing me results,
not bothering to ask me out
declining overseas trip but previously said "anything", "up to you".
we should leave people to shape their own image, 
instead of shaping them with our expectation and imagination. 

At times felt so hurt,
when I say i wanna take up a musical instrument,
some of them gave me that "are you kidding me" look,
also, when I obviously know something,
but the person lied in front of me?
I respect the privacy, but the hurt is still there,
like the professor in "Lie To Me" knowing the lies,
yet chose to remain silent.

But there are times I felt happy,
to wish me on festive seasons,
rmbring stuffs,
wearing my gifts,
bringing me food......

No matter now, after all, we all walk our own lives,
helps are bonus.
Some cling on tight on social,
but maybe it's not my cup of tea,
not my privilege to have those kind of
gung-ho bunch of ppl,
sharing same interests,
support each other,
almost 24/7 together,
achieving something together,
being happy just because of the companion,
not the activities.......

Yea,
No condemnation
No comparison
No competition
Only encouragement

holds so true! so hard! so ideal..........

谁知道我们该去向何处 
谁明白生命已变为何物 
是否找个借口继续苟活 
或是展翅高飞保持愤怒 
我该如何存在

This song suits the mood so well!
Every morning I wake up I asked, 
"Who knows, where should we head to?"
Who understands what is the meaning of life?
On what reasons we struggle to be alive?
Or to grasp to our persistent and soar up high?

Then, I also became a movie/TV/anime junky.
I've watched Lie To Me, Perception, White Collar, Criminal Minds,
Kuroko, Eden of East, Frankenstein.....

And kindda think again,
What is there in life?
Motives, Emotions, Lies, Perception,
drives the world, other than that, life is pretty plain.
Some of us turn to religion, some to dreams, ambitions,
to make sense of the world we live in.

I have 50 plus years to go on,
how should I live my life?
I have no directions,
not because I dont have,
There is no drive, nor reasons,
for my fighting spirit. 

Capgras delusion is a disorder in which a person holds a delusion that a friend, spouse, parent, or other close family member has been replaced by an identical-looking impostor. Pareidolia is a psychological phenomenon involving a vague and random stimulus (often an image or sound) being perceived as significant, a form of apophenia. Common examples include seeing images of animals or faces in clouds, the man in the moon or the Moon rabbit, and hearing hidden messages on records when played in reverse. Savant syndrome is a condition in which a person with a mental disability, such as an autism spectrum disorder, demonstrates profound and prodigious capacities or abilities far in excess of what would be considered normal.

Another day has gone

I'm still all alone

How could this be

You're not here with me...

Spent the day with J n T, never fails to make me laugh alot and come home with aching abs hahahas. Played monopoly and was crazy about it. And wow historical moment when Tai is out of luck! Then had so much crap going around such as the loserville, brothel street, kidnapped princess and grandfathers road hahas! Oh we have SMRT too! He won due to the monopolizing the 4 train stations hahas! His most epic victory.

Then went to Santouka, they weren't that hyped on it as me, big after 10s of ramen shop I still think that's the best. 

Then wanted get smoked duck pizza at timbre but it was full house and a long queue, so strolled to city hall n went home. 

Simple day for me.

We were talking about how in the end we still having most fun n endless topics together, and our crazy expectations that no girls could match. Hahas!! 

Well but yea,

It's always a challenge to me, 

To be contented on the 80% I have 

And not be blinded by the 20% I seek.

At least I guess we are natural A&C with one another, to keep us in track, not doing irrational stuffs, and to support one another. 

That time someone asked me "you want us go over?" When I talked about my graduation. I seriously meltz.... They too right away marked their calendars.

Oh well, actually quite a huge portion of my social circle feeling worst being alive at home so I'm contented hahas. 

Well still, my ideal :

Love food 

Love coffee

Love Chinese culture 

Oldies

Adventurous 

Understanding (wise? Kan de kai?)

Knows my needs automatically 

Don't throw tantrum till at home

Settles arguments ASAP at home

Get along with parents 

Still close to her friends 

Energetic to cheer me 

Loves surprises 

Don't mind snoring 

Don't mind burps 

Don't mind fat 

Camwhore but not obsessed 

Live the moment 

Volunteers 

Appreciate art

Do not mind sports 

Converse intellectual topics 

Sociable but not butterfly 

Spends wisely but not frugal 

Musically inclined no need talented 

Not too sensual