2021 was really a Life-Changing year. 

Amongst my friends, the 1st breakup was on first week of Jan. Back then I felt bad, I felt at fault, as Im the kind who would want everyone around me to be good with one another, and to make their life smooth, so I always think I could have done something to prevent that. Then 2 more breakups same month, then 3 more next month. I felt I wasn't doing enough as a friend. When all things came to an halt, then is the dynamics between the plus ones of the clique, they had tensions one another. I guess between myself then different parties, I was not being honest too. I tried to appease both sides to offer perspectives, just so that both parties could reconcile. I loved to plan outings as a clique, but the amount of post-bickering are too much, I constantly felt that whatever events I planned was always a failure. 

As I have started to be involved in another clique, I am challenged by the definition of friendship. Not to sound too transaction, but in reality, what do I have to gain? Must I always make the effort to keep everyone at the good books of one another? And how many of them would actually check on me on a regular interval to see if my sanity is in check? As much as it breaks me that friends do distant, I think there took a toll on me too. Though the duration of friendship is long, sometimes, I guess I should be thinking that I deserve better. A selfish endeavor for friendships that count. I probably would not change my guiding principle, that the most important person is the one who come find me for help, but with time being precious, it's really the quality of mutual help, mutual understand, and mutual effort that is one the plate. A true friend would not think you are humble bragging, but to genuinely empathize the state of mind and crossroads dilemmas. 

Today in the papers was an article on expert dissecting definition of friendship:

The best friend: The person to count on when important events occur in life 

The proximal friend: The person you feel comfortable with but who may not be in your innermost circle. You are probably not going to get any closer unless something changes 

The distal friend: The person you have known for a long time but may have been away from. You are unlikely to get any closer unless circumstances change. 

Some people, while searching for the one to depend on, will cling on me, and I'll be there too, since he has fear of abandonment too, knowing that one day I might be replaced too. But seeing them moving on makes me happy too. It's like raising a kid and one day seeing him thrive in his own social circle and all, makes you feel so so so damn good. Ive lived a large part of my life at the "kaya is the happy time guy, find him for interesting things to do", so generally people assume Im well on my own, I can always find something somewhat someplace. Then to some, ive also been the "kaya is a listening ear, will always be there even 3am kind", tiring to live u to this expectation, but I really dont mind, even though they probably thought my emotional threshold higher than them so awkward to be the one listening to me. Except a few I am honest to, to say I'm not as strong as most people think. 

Then is SAS week, little hiccups here and there, but I was so damn depressed, I felt I caused the freelancers to be unhappy and left, I felt I could have managed that better if have more time. Being in a company as a new comer, I hate it when I could not bind them together. But fats forward 4 months, I am really really glad I have assembled a team of dedicated and passionate colleagues. Had a zoom meeting last Monday with 12 participants, I wrote :

18 May 2021 : Recalibration. "To Rest is not to Idle, but Working Differently". Very very happy to have been in this half year journey with this group of people. Compared to last year, we are all much more prepared in this WFH month. Very heartwarming to hear the active contribution, constructive feedback, and the continuous support of each and every one of you. We would never have gone so far without any of you, thank you for your trust in us. As much as we are frantically enhancing ourselves with Knowledge or Skills and constantly seeking improvements from Systems and Delivery, we ought to look back to let it sink in how far we have come too, and pat yourselves at the back. I hope the session allowed a better macro view of situations and we shall walk hand in hand into the horizons of better tomorrow!

So this saga are redefining "responsibility" and "leadership". How to solve matter and get people to take up the ownership of problems. The true empowerment with inspiring intrinsic motivation and to smoothen the jagged edges of one another, without jobscope boundaries and to bloom the unique skillsets of every person. 

Then, it was the movie "Hey Mom", as explained in older post, redefining "family". What is exactly my expectations as a son, how to express filial piety through actual needs rather than societal norm, what exactly is happiness through living vicariously or rather, to see the other party enjoy the path we have chosen. The amount of sacrifices and duty involved in kinship. 

So Singapore moved into a mini lockdown again with reduced pax to 2 and the ban of dining in. This time, with my new responsibilities, I have much more tasks to fill my time, albeit the inertia for I do have a lingering feeling of "what's the point" amidst the uncertainty. I think Singapore had done really well in comparison with many other countries, but the global situation is nowhere to the end of tunnel.

How did this affect my personal life then. Honestly, my lower expenditure is a plus point. However, many things is back to square one again. All the boardgaming sessions with the new clique will be on halt. My existing clique had their plus ones to keep them accompany so pretty much I have all the freedom to do whatever I want now. I can impromptu night cycle, or sleep, or watch shows. The streak with Z ended, a week without much talking seems so weird. But then again, it would be weird also to initiate to meet and all, and I wouldnt want to initiate, dont want to be the clingy one, but do hope that this dont make the impression of "drifting" too. Couples on picnic everywhere didnt help to remind the fact that im 27 years single. I wont deny as much as I am rather asexual, but I do yearn for a hug, an embrace, or something at all, that grasp me back to sanity too. I am still a little afraid to be spiraling down into last year's thoughts. 

Some interesting thoughts :

Would you rather be a Reacher or Settler. Settler would probably mean the other person love you more, Reacher would mean you love the person more. As selfish as I can, I rather a Settler, but reality is, it's probably someone else settle for me. For I neither have wealth nor looks nor skills.

Is there Absolute Morality? I guess good and bad is determined by the societal most accepted answers. To me, I guess doing something that helps another to live through the lives on this earth a little easier means good, in accordance to whatever legal bodies acting on it.  

No Man's an Island. Really? I was asked that in perspective of an introvert, amidst all the new friends, fun memories, and happenings that we brought to a friend, what makes us think that the friend is better off this way than to be seclusive and escape into a world that makes sense to the person? Maybe by doing so they are more at ease with their personality and skills that they make a breakthrough or found an avenue to express their true self that may be of greater good, than to be stuck with me and go down the norm of social interactions, activities, and networking. Hmmmm, this seems true. Well, having said that, I will occasionally drop a text to check in, but perhaps its not really that necessary for me to try to impose my set of social ideals onto them, but I will always be available for a listening ear. 

On Suicide. Many things pushes people to suicide, and many things prevent them from doing so. On one hand, it could require a huge courage to jump off, for the victim probably thinks being alive burdens everyone else, and thus decide to take that leap of desperation to the unknown. On another hand, I felt at that stage, it take a rather great deal of courage to not take that leap, for we owe our lives to the expectation and kindness of others, that by taking that leap, I am being selfish to the people around me to place emotional turmoil onto them, also to place financial or legal burden onto them. I think it takes a greater deal of courage to brace your teeth to be alive, for it seems easier to me to take that leap when one day, none of the people around me matters anymore, no family, no friends no love. 

What is "Me"? As life unfolds, I guess I have a high standard of Ideal Self, which is incongruence to my actually Self Image. I have nothing interesting to be a "happening" person, nothing useful to society, nothing appealing to the general public, and thus, probably a low Self Esteem. My high need of Novelty, Relevance and Belonging may have led me stray from Personal Identity to suit a certain type of Social Identity, though I do miss the days of recognition and social events. In my Social Construct, perhaps my family and friends shaped my pessimist view on Love; my adventures shaped my Perfectionist and High Expectation in professional life; my academic achievements shaped my thirst for knowledge and desire for quality conversations; my ascribed status shaped my preference and interests. I guess I do have a little Hedonist nature to disregard comparison and a skewed worldview of vanity that disregards material pursuits but would then shaped my misanthropy. 

 May 15

On friends. Today marks the 124th consecutive day of meeting with a friend, Z. And it's probably the longest streak ever, but I guess this is the date where the streak ends. Again, have to mention how very very grateful I am in this friendship, the amount of effort it took for this to even happen. We are 2 very different people. Our views, our interest, our definitions, our upbringing, and even our personality, I would say, are opposites. Ive learnt alot through this streak, reframing a lot of things, and also doing things differently. Definitely a great listening ear and opened up my world a little more to things Ive never took interest in but now I know them, such as world of sports, street wear, and minds of teenager, or just fundamental difference between the generational gaps.

Though I must say, he introduced me to another friends of his, K, that seems to connect to me better. This person is a low maintenance friendship. We talked about feelings and viewpoints without much assertive of stands, we enjoy food and cafe and pretty much the small moments of being "present". We can be scheduled or be spontaneous, from compartmentalizing specific days to work on something in life to just go with the spur of moment on the day. He is probably on the other spectrum to Z, in terms of how he thought through every step, every decision, and every response to things, 2 or 3 steps ahead. Which I thought the reason was rather peculiar but definitely valid. Sometimes, being truthful helps if you value the friendship, and rather honest than to bottle up, even if it's just a minor irks that you can live by it but just to point it out to a friend is better than to just accommodate; but doesnt mean its hierarchical, means that if he knew the reaction or viewpoint, that some things are not necessary to say since it will not help the situation, so its task-oriented. Very tiring way of life in my point but oh well, its a perspective Ive never came across. 

But I sense a little tension between them. Z finds that K became distant, and evaluating everything so much to the point it feels like he is judging what could suit his ideal life he is aspiring for, and K finds Z being less honest on his feelings, to the point he find that its hard to move on from a topic they clearly stand on different side of fence. I did try to get both of them see the intentions on both sides but then he mentioned about don't need to always please everyone and get to side of everyone. Hmm..... but the way I see it, both are harmless, or rather, have valid viewpoints, they could resolve the difference easily? But oh well, beyond me to do that, either way they know each other longer, and both values each other a lot a lot. So yea, not gonna mediate this. 

On work. News about the new tightening measure on safe distancing came yesterday, like the sound of roaring thunder piercing through the grey skies, wriggling through the thick droplets of rain. The news on reduction from 8 to 5 have me rather unsettled as many plans have to be put on hold, and  now the further reduction to 2 is practically another form of lockdown. Tour bookings have froze ever since, and now, cancellations and postponement plagued the mailbox. 

On financial. About a month ago, a friend asked for a huge sum, $4k, to help on something that doesnt even concern him. basically, he is in a lion dance troupe that causes his life so complicated now. Due to the nature of industry, they have not much chance to get bookings, so the leaders are all in financial difficulties, and their sponsors are pulling out, causing the debt due to warehouse rental and operating debts, and the leader that controls cash flow had his account frozen for investigation. The rest are young and the leaders do not want other members to know as dont want to blow up the matter. To make matters worst, one of the member was caught by traffic police on unauthorized driving without license as she allowed her friend to drive her rented car, which cause a $5k penalty according to a clause which he couldnt get his hands on, but they agreed to resolve privately for $1.8k initially, then raised to $2.1k within the week. The problem of urgency made me suspect the clause. The troupe leaders agreed to help and decided to resolve privately as the "victim" is under huge stress in relationship and in work, with tendency of depression and sleeping pills. 

All these led me to be under a $8k loan from boss and another friend. It never occurred to me though, that no IOU was signed between me and him, neither him and his troupe, and no receipts no clause was shown to me. I hate to have to come down to the last resort of doubting my friend, but what if I am being cheated? As much as I warned him of being cheated, I had never doubted him. But I chose to believe him for now until the issue resolved, on the hard limit that I am not helping him financially anymore until full repayment. Having a $4k loan from another friend, our decade long friendship is being affected as every conversation now starts with asking about the status of this sum. Bothers me a lot but valid, and I fully understand. I then went to the lendee to explain that no matter what situation it is between the troupe, but the loan was extended to him as a friend, he should be thinking about ways of repaying regardless of if the troupe could repay him. Similar case for me, to settle the loan on my end, I took on part time waitering. Probably the easiest F&B Ive done in my life, where system flow is well thought of, and responsibilities are streamlined and straightforward without much training involved. Boss knew about it and was unhappy, and step me up to more responsibilities to fill my time, ofcoz with a fair wage increase. But honestly, I can do HR management, but managing people is not me, it dont come naturally unlike others, whether or not i can excel is one thing, but whether I am fully comfortable doing so is another. But oh well, a job is a job, and being in a rather close-knitted team, I dont see why not. 

Oh well, last day of dining in and going out, I have 6 more hours before my part time work, to just chill, and people watch, and then the following one month to recalibrate the team, and to recalibrate my life too. Compared to the first lockdown, I must say I am very much more prepared, with clear direction, and task to do. No courses, no beer. No unhealthy thoughts. Okie, till next time, ciao.