Year in review 

 2015 is finally ending, it has been a very happening year. 

Started off the whole year with POP, one of the rites of passage of every sgrean son. BMT life was a blast thanks to great section and commanders, commanders that I look up to with respect, commanders that are practical, ppl who doesn't believe pumping can make u think better, someone who raises expectation with mutual consent and reasonable punishments. Miss field camp, miss maggie under the stars with the section, miss "one RAI I find 50 push ups", miss encik sunset talk, and most of all, miss "For the mission and men, EAGLE BOLEH!". 

Then comes a very surprisingly tough training at ST, with commanders with extreme regimentation but are actually fun loving and warm at heart. Great times spent together and great lessons learnt about security and Urban Warfare.

Then ofcoz, my worst experience in NS with the driving course where they broke my every confidence to drive, made me so reluctant to go to camp each day, dreaded when they called up my name to drive, cuz they shout at ur face nasty discouraging words and give u mean and belittling eyes. 

But in midst of that I had great time too knowing ppl like L, eating sushi and even offered his house, and met an awesome chef G! Others include J, S, W. Oh yes and last but not least encik! Having him around was so fun, all the happy hours, JB trip, and his earnest advices. 

Within the course I had my 21st, so glad many turned up from different phrases of my life. 

I am a busy man, full of activities, and I really appreciate all those who never fails to ask me out despite the likelihood of me being busy. Sometimes is not about priority, is about who came first, I always believed the most important person that I need to make a difference to is the first who approached me there ad then. Ofcoz I would make time to catch up with the rest, give me time, I promise I will push u up my schedule! Nevertheless I know I may not be the great 24/7 talking to u kind of friend and I don't do a lot of typical teen stuffs like clubbing gaming or anime but I thank you all for giving me time to hang out with you! Even for a meal! I would very much like to be with each and every one of you in every milestones and happenings, trust me my heart grows envier with every minute you guys are having fun, but also I'm also happy u are. As for those that takes a longer time to socialise, I'm really sorry I couldn't spend more time with you! 

Then is SRF, I'm glad I met so many nice people here too! Offering good here and there, helping me cover here and there, and teach me the ropes of being here. Thanks K for welcoming me himself, coming to my bunk to fetch me to my platoon, offered to carry my stuffs and started introducing everyone. A fun guy! Though I felt he is wasting time and emotions on things that don't matter to him anymore but I still wish him all the best for an optimistic outcome! I wrote a song inspired by him! The window! I also met a great buddy K at PRV course, with similar music taste, foodie, and adventurous! Look forward for more adventures! 

TLC was now a warm place for me, I think I found happiness in it, more than any other groups. Though in terms of personal relationships it's hard to get by the massive 5000 members, but what I have done there were worthwhile. I get my share of limelight doing what I like, I also get to contribute and felt the sense of competency among the larger picture. Maybe to most, the extent I did for them might be too great or not worth the risk, but I say I'm not sure what future I have myself, for what good is it to think about an optimistic future compared to what good I can do right now. The most important thing to do, is to make a difference to the person in front of me "now", at this moment. Maybe selfish or hedonist but I don't really care. 

Besides mega events, overseas activities are filled with so much fun and so carefully planned from accommodation to porters and schedules, not forgetting leisure and socialisation. Very successful group.

As of my personality, sure changed, I'm definitely more blatant and straightforward, and selfish in a sense i no longer sweet coat my decisions or words. Example the famous Friday 12 noon incident, I rather not to disappoint 300 pax, plus the hardwork of all the committee and friends for the event, than to risk ruining my future. What good can my future do if I ruined the hopes and sweats of 300 pax? May be unethical, may be disobeying the law, but I have no regrets because the immediate benefit to a greater body of people is much greater than the risk of my own. What is the point of thinking what more things I could do in the future if my risk failed? How sure that my future is brighter than what I am now? And also again, even if my decisions are wrong, so be it, no consequences is too great too new for the world to handle, if I don't go to hell who goes? Hahas. Is like some paths are less chosen, but necessary for a greater good, why not? 

I'm no longer sensitive to mood changes and all as I grow up, cuz I started to feel there isn't a need to, maybe got lazy of helping, got lazy to initiate the help, unless certain events needs me too like for beneficiaries such as children I'm just being dutiful. Not a very psychological thinking person anymore. 

Then, yes I'm still spendthrift, sometimes a bit too generous, I felt bad too having to take money from parents at some months, but again, I think I myself am considered blessed, well enough for a good living, then why not bless ppl more, have fun more, because memories are priceless, and are harder to forge as you grow up. 

This year was not a year in active in BBTC, I had my such year in the past, partly because at the end of the day, though not morally right, I found happiness in other areas more than in here. People recognise me elsewhere, people utilise me elsewhere, I learn more things elsewhere, and ppl actually care about me elsewhere, asking specific questions, how's camp, heard ure upset, is driving hard, etc. I mean at my worst times, I'm not introvert, my feelings are obvious everywhere, especially so with social media now, and ppl who approach me were elsewhere, like S, never fails to try to reignite my optimism. Thank him for the every Thursday movie kaki!!! I'll make time to keep the culture going as much as possible! So yea this year I took a break. At least at the end, I think I still made an effort for them la, not cheap to go to the retreat, but I guess I owe it to them for not giving up on me still.

Then throughout the year there are special people I want to have special paragraphs for:

W

I have known little about this great pal until this year. As fun loving and up to anything as he, I've always felt regret not being a better pal. Never I have a friend who would travel from bedok to kranji for a short 1h meet. Never a friend who travelled to JB for a movie. Yet I failed to notice his slight discomfort when discussing about things that once made him depressed, I couldn't believe I was oblivious to that. I think the first memory I had was when both of us was splashed by the dirty crocodile water! Did not interact much and didn't bother to, still regretting. Nevertheless let bygones be bygones I hope to be a better pal in the future. Wish u all the best for your 2016, awaiting your good news!

K

A great friend since years ago. He grew to a fine gentleman. Maybe a little snobbish but no doubt has a very sensitive observations on surrounding, great attention to detail and very intelligent. Tend to be the unheard voice in most of his social circle but his intentions are great. May be not too much of a leader but definitely a powerful advisor. Helped me rent a costume at toa payoh from woodlands, and sent to my house at Eunos. And many times helped doing my errands too. 

D

Being someone I look up to he seems so successful having successful kids and loving third aged relationship with his wife. Very supportive and fun loving too yet actually burdened with a half vegetable child. Have to bear having the guilt of sending her for the failed operation and continued footing the expensive physiotherapy and life support fees. Though inflexible at times but all out of good intentions and do give some space for new ventures. 

N

Not exactly someone that made a difference on me, but I appreciate you constant effort to jio me out. Sorry I couldn't always accept your request due to the many events in my busy schedule, either that or too impromptu and ppl jio me first. Anyways I felt that you are too mindful about what others think, you indulge yourself too much in self pity and inferiority thinking, and your cowardly cause you not to speak up and socialize to new people. It is okay if you found introvert things to do but obviously u are not, u need company, you need vibrancy, so I hope in the new year u will be more appreciative of the limited social circle u hv, try to interact with the people u already know in a more deeper Lvl, don't be too desperate for girls when u don't even hv much guy friends, and do not go against ur mum for restricting your freedom because it's all in the mind. 

Z

My great drinking buddy! Damn brotherly! The way he acts with his friends proves he is a buddy for life definitely! Happy to see he is firm in his principles and found a matching girl for him too! Great drinker and entertainer! He introduced me to Tai Seng private bar and it instantaneously become by favourite chill out place! 

S

For being in many of my milestones, getting me out for cafe hopping and a great friend to last minute hang out with! Never fails to accommodate my flaws such as being late, cashless, or rubbing of stomach after eating! Thank her for all these! Felt that I can be a better friend of at least improve our relationship but then again inferiority kicks in I always think there are people better than me, and people deserve better people than me, cuz I really can't provide, can't protect, can't care. 

If I could steal one final glance
One final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to
Dance with my father again

The lyrics speaks into the deepest emotion of us! The writer uses the word "steal" as if to suggest the helpless yearn of the speaker to see the father again. He uses "glance" because all she ever wanted is a real expression from the father, and this timeless emotion is something no photograph could retain, that feeling, that emotion, that flesh, all she needs is that glance. And the whole imagery of dancing, and steps, is all about the dynamics in the dance, of understanding each other, such as to step in the right time and in the right direction, together, harmoniously, complementarily.  

So much things happening all at once in this December. It's weird how life plays out this way. The good times don't last, and the worst things comes swarming just because the end. 

My life was good until recently lots of system changes that slowly steal away all the good things in my life. 

But then, at this adversity, I truly truly grateful and thankful for friends that helped me out cuz I'm handicapped within the camp. 

One of my friend went from woodlands, to toa payoh, to choose and rent my TLC Christmas party aladdin costume for me, and deliver to my house at Eunos. Another one helped me do up the presentation slides needed for my emceeing at the event. The event hosts too were so forgiving about my absence and I'm sure they are undergoing a great deal of stress doing so. Ofcoz. My family too for all the backstage help and to bring all my props on the event date. I will put up a good show! 

However, bad things are happening too. Just on December alone, 4 of my friends posts their loved ones, and 1 of them is my close friend. Her dad was ice skating when he fell and felt dizzy, little did she knew. The point is, life is so unpredictable, so sudden, one moment you may be having fun and all, and then you'll never guessed that it might be the last fun times with the person. Sigh. Treat every moment, every meet, every activity, with much glee, cuz at least, when shit comes, you know you could let it be. But the saddest of all, is to think that a joyous season of thanksgiving, of family bonding, of a hopeful foresight to a better year ahead, of concluding all loose ends of the current year, yet these friends have to go through this season with a missing piece. Sigh. 

Mid Autumn again~!

Well this year there wasnt any Eagle Catch Chick games, no sparkles, no lantern, nothing much. But this year it was a cosy simple gathering with friends, enjoying 10 mooncakes of 10 flavours, appreciating traditional tea. Quite an experience though. Today is full of failed plannings, like decided to go for a sec sch reunion thus missed out on wushu lunch, and ended up ppl were late, and then the gathering was small, and then told the group about the celebration at night, turns out many had family commitments, half of the group left, then roamed the streets in the haze, yet all the programs and activities had finished, missed the fireworks, the performances, etc, and even food stalls were closed.

Oh well, whatever, I enjoyed just drinking tea in the Tea Chapter Building, chilling out and enjoying tea. Initially wanted to have a mid autumn feast with trainees in Tai Seng roof garden bar, just at the side, but the venue is a factory and a pub beside, may lead to bad impression, and hazy weather not ideal for outdoor activity, and I was too late to inform.

Well, overall, I do enjoy the week though, cuz I caught up with quite a handful of people, from BMT POP, to SPECS HQ, to Sec Sch Mates, to Long Lost Friend...... not bad. And had good time KTV too! with the TLC bunch, never failed to have a good time dancing, shouting, be crazy with them, like small kids, and yea, Im glad they enjoyed too! This is the best KTV clique I ever had! Every month there would be a KTV, and everytime, we had wonderful time! Thank them so much for giving me the opportunity to entertain and be joyful with them! Also, thank a friend for introducing me to Tai Seng, a cosy pub of public KTV where you can pass the mic around and sing with random strangers, playing dices and guess fists, pool or darts, and enjoy cheap beer and good ample food!

Well, tmr back to reality. Wrote a statement for lying down (unlucky right?! ppl do that not caught, I did that half a day caught), que sera sera, whatever will be will be......... always before the end of a chapter, shit happens, whatever..........

Movie Review: Inside Out

NOTE!!!!!!!! SPOILERS ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!
READ ON YOUR OWN RISK!!!!!!!!
EXIT IF NOT COMFORTABLE!!!!!!!!

Went to watch Inside Out because I couldnt last Thursday.

Anyway, it was such a heavily researched and scripted animation movie! Perfect star I would say! for its story development and script writing. None of their dialogues are fillers, none of them are nonsensical, they all served as a purpose for the furtherance of the story. 

I think how the movie took "Emotions - Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, Fear" as the central factor of our cognitive function. Our perception, attention to details, our crafted memories, response and our judgement are closely related to the emotions we feel at that point in time. We remember certain events through the lens of our current emotions. When we’re sad, the memory of a family road trip might just remind us of a stuffy car. When we’re happy, we remember the adventures.

The movie took off well, showing how our brain gets more complicated as more emotions come into the story, and how the control grew more functions as we age. Then, it's how we respond to situations based on which dominant emotions we feel, and/or how we generate ideas about it, based on past memories.

Then, the movie introduced us to the system in mind. Memories are forged into balls, and could be retrieved in random times, like the Kiddy Ad Song, and then there are core memories which made personalities. Then, when Riley goes to sleep, everything stopped working, the train of thoughts stopped, the emotions gets to sleep, and interestingly, one emotion would be up for duty. Thats true cuz we tend to go to sleep with certain emotion, depending on the overall satisfaction of the day.

Then there's dream, how certain dream make us jump back to reality at night, and subconscious realm, and ofcoz, the forgotten realm where Ding Dong, the imaginary childhood friend, eventually disappears, seemingly jump off due to its weight, but rather a depiction of how that childhood construct actually helps to push joy into higher grounds.

Then, apart from the psychology works in Riley's head, each emotions have their own attitude too! Joy were always at odds with sadness due to their different philosophy of life. But towards the end, she start to realize that we cant feel joyful without sadness. Every joyful memories of Riley started of her being sad, and then situation changed and she felt better.

It's okay to be sad, and when we're sad, sometimes all we need is the sympathy, or mirror neurons, whatever, to be sad with us too, and we will feel better. So she started to embrace sadness, and crafted more colourful personalities and memories. (at first, the memory balls are single coloured, but now multi, due to the many sides of emotions in one memory).

Joy is also a perfectionist, liked to take control of everything, which of course she does it well, happiness, everyone wants it right? And happiness at times can be rather selfish. And then, Sadness liked to meddle with stuffs, sometimes we feel sad for no apparent reason, we sometimes have random pessimist thoughts, or out attention to details could be directed at the sad part of the situation or memory. We can't really contain sadness, we have to embrace her, we have to make her work for us.

Then, there's the comical scenes of other people's emotion, how the mum and dad interact, how the cat, and random strangers in the street feels. In one scene, which sums up the upheaval of young love in a nutshell, she smiles at a boy whose mind almost short circuits in attraction and terror at the sight of her. I felt all these were depicted so well in the movie! It's really a thinking movie indeed! Not just a mere cartoon!

An update of my life after so long.

Well, after BMT, im posted out to Clementi as SRF. Days there were good. Ofcoz, the first 1 month was tough, as I have to adjust myself and my mentality for the extreme regimentation there. Other than that, bonding with bunk mates and all was good. We had loads of fun, and had lots of night snacks times, bringing in bread, jams, milo, biscuits, crackers and more. Training wise, tough, but pace was manageable, thats why I slimmed down to 69kg.

Then thats when life start to turn another way around.

My driving course wasnt really fun, cuz I had no fixed instructors, most instructors were just trying to pass time. So I count my life by the day. Getting into the vehicle with the instructors judging you and scolding you all the time, life was bad. Towards the end, just last last week, I took 3 tries to get the license. That was probably the worst week of my life. Failing the test on first try is understandable, as it was the first time I drove to the test area before that. But one the first test, I didnt even hit the road, I failed due to not closing the door properly. Sigh. Subsequent tests, just simply I sucked. I hit rock bottom. At the end of the week, I was devastated. I resign to conclude Im a failure driver, and thats not the only screw up, my wushu competition didnt perform well too, was having rather high hopes. What to do. Then, it was my turn on worship, and I screwed up the song too. Haizzz......

Im not the only one though, so I accompanied my friend too, and started a pack a day, and drank a couple of bottle a day, and well, I think booze works! I passed on Monday. Yet it was not a great honour too. While I clock my mileage, Im still repeatedly shouted at, "how you even pass the test", "want me to ooc you", "you're not fit to be a driver". Really, maybe when the whole world thinks you suck, you really suck. Maybe I really sucked. Whatever. I concluded. Who cares, suck at something, change la! big deal! So my temper grew worst, I think it affected my relationship with my family too, my temper was bad.

I pass my days getting events, meeting up with TLC, to have good time singing and entertaining them. That makes me happy. And yea, of all the ktv sessions, being with this clique is the best!

So series of events, I think at the end of the day, it's really me against the world. I do not have the privilege to have  close knitted clique, going to everything together, talk hearts out and pass days together, but it's okay, I can hop around do whatever I like with like minded people, accompanying the days. I think people are just people, vessels, empty vessels. They come because fate wants to, and finish his/her business, and ob la de ob la da life goes on~ thats it.

Today was a rare time to see entire cell going for steamboat, so I thought to drop by for awhile, catch up abit, take some photos, but the response wasnt really my expectation. Rather aloof. So ok, so what I want, take some photos, thats all. I mean like, its not like they actually come to me on my troubled week, or anything liek that, talk about life, console, catch up... nope, not like i turn up for fellowship often too...... and yea most ppl adopt a been-through-done-that attitude when talking about problems anyway, same as other groups of friends, pointless talking about problems, well, life goes on....... so i left for friend bday. reached there, cake was cut too. too late, so thought of catching up after that, went to ktv, gosh it was dead silent~ sigh whats wrong with people. Urghhh whatever, life goes on. I think the only great thing was to catch a pri sch friend just on time, for a short while, thats quite worth it, glad he's doing alright, blessed young man.

So..... whatever, life goes on, life is a personal journey, good to bitch about it to random ppl once in a while, but dont expect anything, it's still a me against the world in the end....... just me, myself, and probably a couple of bottles and a few packs........

It's been loooong time since I posted again. 

Well, days in Army is same old shit again, nth much worth to mention. Ofcoz, there are lots of fun times and all, really thankful my section mates to be so fun loving! Every single one of them, no matter the age, are just adventurous kids in a young adult body. Lots of stories ofcoz but im being mindful in social media. 

Well, CNY day 1 passed. Had a luxurious lunch for the first time with my family, luxurious means costing over $100. Usually my family don't even spend $50 on a meal, so $50 plus is considered special occasion, and today is just WOW! So yea no Yu Sheng or any of such sgreans customs, but Man Fu Yuan is a great restaurant with mouth watering fried Liu Sha Bao! 

Then rot at home the whole day, watching movies. Managed to catch "Girl in Pinafore" once again. 

(spoilers alert!)

So anyway, nothing special about the movie, unlike someone I know (hehehhe), but yea I reflect back on the movie. Why I always felt that the movie contains so much reality in it, is probably that it really reflects on life. I actually like the way May died. It's like, that's actually the truth, All Feast Comes To An End, eventually, nothing actually lasts. Yes, you may have a few friends of very long friendship, but to have all the crazy hell fun and laughter, and silly actions and stuffs like that, is really quite impossible. 

I always like to look at old photos, gatherings, and all the fun activities I went with friends. The memories, laughter, all felt so fresh everytime I look at them, but cant help to feel a tinge of fading fun too. It's like, we may have that period so close, so many topics to talk, but now if we were to meet up, everything is just different, that moment just stays at that moment, that photograph, and nothing more than that. 

So looking back at the true fear 2015 I did a while back, it's true, I dont really care where my life is going, nor death, nor being looked down on or commitment, because I have nothing to worry but NS now. And it's precisely so, I started to feel that old friendships are dimming. Like, I realize I dont meet them much, and if I do, topics now resolves around army only. It really makes me think, "what makes us friends? common interest? can two person be good friends based on nothing but character and person itself?" 

Then, talking about CNY again, my family gathering is not that kind that laugh boisterously, full of guffaws and half chewed food kind. It's very simple, one person talk, the rest listen kind, like merely catching up. Ofcoz, Im glad enough already, cuz we are so busy in our own loves, it's hard to find a time to update one another about life. However that didnt stop me lamenting on the imperfection in my already perfected situation. I do wish to have a family of a table, happily talking in volume, lo hei like hooligans, and stuffs like that. 

Then I think about family, what would my own family be like, as much as I wished to be Zi Sun Man Tang, but then I really dont want my children to have my gene. I want them to be musically and physically talented, adept, or at least of decent capability, Hopefully, with some charms in the appearance and personality too. So these could not be found in me. Then thoughts about raising kids too, the balance between protective and space to innovate and learn from banging walls. All these are tough decisions! 

Anyway, there's an interesting reality in the idea behind the plot, why it was so real, because the director was referring to a real symbolism, and a hope towards the end of it. 

https://insertcoinandpressstartbutton.wordpress.com/2013/08/04/that-girl-in-pinafore-analyzing-the-films-hidden-message

2014 was filled with great joy success and adventure!

Started off graduating, and embarking on a new chapter in life, one that is a transition from student to NS. I filled that with events and work, found a great place to work at where my effort was recognized. Also been hopping a few ad hoc jobs which helped me to sieve what I really want to work as.

Then it was my greatest joy to send a team which emerge champion! And many other side activities and games. Other than that was cafe hopping. To ulu places and nice concepts. Ofcoz not forgetting being tourist in own country, going places some havent even been before.

Overseas trips were better, spent with great friends who we could have fun and talk cock with. Went into hiking and met a group which contains all the like minded people, a group I'm extremely glad I'm part of. Despite being the youngest, met really good adult friends and went catch up a few times!

Trip back to Indo were heartwarming. Relatives welcomed me with sincere hospitality.

More importantly, I'm glad most of my close friends are still around me. They are the ones who made me who I am, formed huge part of my memories and happenings.

I'm thankful of my parents too, great to see them in good health and spirits. Enjoyed every bits of 2014, hoping to have a great year in 2015 even if it doesn't seem to be potentially happening as of now.

I wish all my friends good health, stay healthy and happy! Keep shinning keep smiling!! Life's too fragile to dwell on it's bitterness, let bygones be bygones! Carpe Diem!

Lets tak a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne!!!